VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) - The reality of climate change appears to have been finally settled as Pope Francis prepares to convene a Vatican workshop on the subject. The Pontiff has been calling for increased action against climate change, calling it "a threat to all mankind."
"Well, I think when you've got a guy in a dress and gigantic headgear who claims to be God's personal envoy to the world saying it (climate change) is real, it must be real. I don't think God would lie to us," said one scientist.
MALIBU, California (WNB) - Sources claim Bruce Jenner was provoked to switch genders by his ex-wife's constant insults.
"You know, you can only hear "why don't you go f*ck yourself" so many times before it becomes ingrained in your thought process. Now that she's gone I'm looking forward to giving it a try," the ex-Olympian allegedly says in an upcoming interview with Diane Sawyer.
While not specifically mentioned, the reported comments possibly allude to a process of undergoing transgender modification surgery without removing existing organs. "In medical sexual modification terminology it's called a "self serve," said one specialist.
Jenner has already completed at least some transitional surgery, having been recently observed "rocking a killer rack."
Yesterday was Earth Day, one my favorite holidays. Every year this special day causes me to reflect upon Mother Earth, and what I might do to help preserve her.
I always do something special on Earth Day to nurture our planet. Last year I gassed my Corvette with premium instead of 106 octane and didn't urinate in the backyard until evening. This year I wanted to do something really special, so I decided to plant a tree.
Judging by my fatigue after cleaning the pool, it's become obvious that climate change has depleted the oxygen levels in my area, so I researched to find the most prolific oxygen-producing tree I could plant. I decided on the the Ceiba pentandra, or kapok tree. Beside producing tons of oxygen, the kapok was perfect for my yard, as just one would shade my entire property, and growing to over 200 feet tall would comfortably get above my neighbors' non-oxygen producing palm trees.
I hired a crew of botanists in Costa Rica to go into the rain forest to find a healthy specimen, then chartered a jet out of San Jose to fly the kapoc to Phoenix. I paid extra to have the flight attendants sing softly to it while applying moist towelettes to its trunk. It arrived in perfect condition.
After the transport company arrived with my new tree, I had arborists from Arizona State University move it into a temporary structure I had erected in the back yard while a hole was being prepared. After a brief ceremony of solemn prayers to Mother Earth and the symbolic sacrifice of a 1992 Chevrolet Suburban by fire, I gingerly planted the kapok tree into the earth's rich soil, where it would beautify the landscape and become a home to nature's wildlife for generations to come.
Unfortunately, later that night I found the mangled remnants of the kapok laying beside the pool, an apparent victim of my two Cocker Spaniel puppies. As I roasted s'mores over it in my outdoor fire pit I was already making plans for next Earth Day.
Thank you kapok tree for making the earth a better place.
St. LOUIS, Missouri (WNB) - Black residents are up in arms after a tree honoring Unarmed Gentle Gianttm Michael Brown was found destroyed just hours after being dedicated.
Alleged witness Anfernee Washington claims the tree was brutally bent and broken by an unidentified white police officer for no apparent reason. "He pull up and get out and jus' kick that tree. The tree wadn' doin' nothin' - it had its branches up like "don' shoot! Don' shoot! Damn."
Reports say the tree was earlier identified as being responsible for stealing water from another nearby plant. "The tree was much bigger than this little shrub. The little guy's lucky he wasn't killed," said one investigator.
The Black Caucus of the American Library Association is holding its national conference in St. Louis this summer, and dedicated the tree as a symbol of hating whitey healing.
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Pro-abortion groups are decrying new restrictions recently enacted or pending in several states.
Advocates are particularly upset at a Montana bill that would require an unborn child be anesthetized before being aborted. "This type of legislation is simply another attempt to portray the item to be removed as something more than an alien parasite," said one NARAL activist. "Maybe if these things felt a little more pain, they'd quit attacking women."
TURDHOLLOW, Iowa (WNB) - In a shocking departure for a name long considered synonymous with honesty and truth, reports indicate a Clinton may have been lying to the American public.
A recent story in Buzzfeed is calling into question Hillary Clinton's repeated assertions that her grandparents were black slaves who immigrated to America in search of freedom. "While Mrs. Clinton's grandfather did immigrate from a penal colony in Blechistan, her grandmother was a prostitute from Cleveland (below). Also, neither one of them were black," said investigative reporter Toby Richards.
Bill Clinton was quick to defend his wife, saying whether she lied "really depends on the definition of "immigrated" and "black."
Hillary Clinton's grandmother, "Sweet Cankles" Hanna Jones Rodham
TURDHOLLOW, Iowa (WNB) - Sources say several staff members of Hillary Clinton's campaign team are traveling in a separate rental car because of conditions in "Scooby," the custom van transporting Clinton.
"Inside it smells like mothballs and ass." said one staffer, "The toilet's clogged and the trash is full of used Depends and hair - I couldn't take it anymore."
Reports say campaign workers are also quickly tiring of the former first lady's tirade of angry, profanity-laced complaints and demands. "The old battleaxe is an angry drunk - by mid-afternoon she's throwing F Bombs and pushing everyone around. I see why Bill is how he is."
Vice President Joe Biden says he is still trying to make up his mind on whether to run for president.
"I'm not kidding when I say being president would be a lot of fun - I know it would be. On the other hand, I like being vice president, so I guess right now I'm leaning towards just staying where I am."
Hillary Set To Raise $2.5 Billion
Hillary Rodham Clinton is set to raise an astounding $2.5 billion for her presidential run, which will result in a record number of political commercials. "The American voters will see and hear Mrs. Clinton nonstop for the next year and half," gushed Democratic National Party head, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Republicans Encouraged By Clinton Fundraising
Republican National Committee head Reince Priebus expressed optimism over reports Hillary Clinton will raise over $2.5 billion for her campaign. "Unless they can figure out how to make that many commercials without actually showing their candidate or playing her voice, they're in very serious trouble," said Priebus.