By Scooter Van Neuter
Monday was Earth Day, one my favorite holidays. Every year this special day causes me to reflect upon the earth, and what I might do to help preserve it.
I always do something special on Earth Day to nurture our planet. Last year I gassed my Corvette with regular instead of premium and didn't urinate in the backyard, at least until evening. This year I wanted to do something really special, so I decided to plant a tree.
Judging by my fatigue after doing yard work, it's become obvious that global warming has depleted the oxygen levels in my area, so I researched to find the most prolific oxygen-producing tree I could plant. I decided on the the Ceiba pentandra, or kapok tree. Beside producing tons of oxygen, the kapok was perfect for my yard, as just one would shade my entire property, and growing to over 200 feet tall would comfortably get above my neighbors' non-oxygen producing palm trees.
I hired a crew of botanists in Costa Rica to go into the rain forest to find a healthy specimen, then chartered a Gulfstream jet out of San Jose to safely fly the kapok to Phoenix. To safeguard the young tree, I had the flight attendants sing softly to it while applying moist towelettes to its trunk. It arrived in perfect condition.
After the transport company arrived with my new tree, I had arborists from Arizona State University move it into a temporary structure I had erected in the back yard. There I offered up solemn prayers to the kapok and Mother Earth, culminating in the fiery sacrifice of a 1992 Chevrolet Suburban. With tears running down my cheeks, I gingerly planted the kapok tree into the earth's rich soil, where it would beautify the landscape and become a home to nature's wildlife for generations to come.
Unfortunately, later that night I found the mangled remnants of the kapok laying beside the pool, an apparent victim of my two Cocker Spaniel puppies. As I roasted s'mores over it in my outdoor fire pit I was already making plans for next Earth Day.
Thank you kapok tree for making the earth a better place.