WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE - New photos purportedly taken in Hawaii may indicate Hillary Clinton is getting 'tuned up' in preparation for a presidential run, and why she has not been seen in public for some time.
"It looks like she's had a face and brow lift, and possibly cheek implants. Also, I'd say she's had breast augmentation as well as radical cankle reduction. She looks a lot better," said a plastic surgeon who studied the photos.
One political expert theorized Hillary's new look has less to do with getting elected, than with keeping her husband from diddling interns once they're in the White House.
UPDATE: The following photograph of Mrs. Clinton reportedly taken this morning in Manhattan indicates the above story is likely untrue, and the woman pictured is almost certainly not Mrs. Clinton. We regret any confusion this may have caused our readers.
TEL AVIV, Israel (WNB) - Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded Thursday to the increasingly shrill White House threats over his upcoming address to Congress.
"I'm looking forward to visiting the United States and addressing our friends in Congress - so much so that I've decided to extend my stay in order to hopefully have more than one day to speak, as I have much to say. After that, maybe I'll do some sightseeing," Netanyahu told reporters.
Netanyahu's comments come after the White House mouthpiece, the New York Times, ran another article quoting anonymous Obama officials threatening unspecified retributions should Netanyahu follow through with the visit.
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (WNB) - A defiant Michelle Obama paid the price for refusing follow local customs during a brief visit to Saudi Arabia on Tuesday. The President and First Lady left India early to pay respects to the Saudi royal family on the death of King Abdullah.
Mrs. Obama chose not to cover her head - a violation of religious and cultural protocols in the Arab world. In return, nearly all of the Royal Family members refused to shake her hand, and several audibly farted as they walked past her. During President Obama's visit with new King Salman, Mrs. Obama clearly appeared angry as she was seated off to the side next to a royal attendant who held a bug zapper over her head.
Before departing, the new Saudi king presented parting gifts to the first couple - a gold putter to the President, and a diamond-studded dog collar to Mrs. Obama - presumably for one of their two dogs.
LOS ANGELES. California (WNB) - A new California policy directs their Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to overlook identity theft by "Hispanic applicants who may have attempted to obtain or been issued a license or ID card previously through submission of false information."
A DMV source said that over 75% of the 1.2 million drivers licenses issued to Hispanics since the policy was enacted January 1st have been to the same 9 people, including Cesar Millan, Jennifer Lopez, and a character from the popular show Breaking Bad (below).
WASHINGTON (WNB) - Authorities say the White House was locked-down early Monday morning when a drone crashed into the southeast side of the building. President Obama is in India, but First Lady Michelle and daughters where at home at the time.
Secret Service spokesman Brian Leary said the unmanned drone narrowly missed an open bedroom window in the family's living quarters, hit a wall, then fell to the ground below. "The device was flying at a low altitude before it crashed into the southeast side of the executive mansion around 3:08 a.m. Monday," said Leary. "The First Lady was startled by the noise, and helped us retrieve what appeared to be the drone's payload - a Honey Baked Ham and large bag of Gummy Bears."
Authorities cancelled the lock-down shortly after analyzing the items.
WASHINGTON (WNB) - Israeli intelligence has confirmed that an anonymously-released photo of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu originated from the Obama administration.
The photo, showing Netanyahu wearing a bra and eating bacon, was photoshopped from a White House photo taken several years ago, according to a Mossad spokesman. "It's not even a good forgery - my son could do better and he's only 13, It's obviously the work of the Obama administration."
The photo is seen as retaliation for Netanyahu's acceptance of Republican John Boehner's recent invitation to speak before Congress.
GROZNY, Chechnya (WNB) - 800,000 Muslims out of Chechnya's population of 1.3 million people rallied Monday against the French magazine Charlie Hebdo. The giant crowd assembled in the city of Grozny to protest the magazine's repeated cartoon portrayal of the Prophet Muhammad.
At first relatively peaceful, passions soon escalated as tens of thousands of angry Muslims rampaged through the city, looting and burning everything in sight. However, the resulting damage was minimal, as there was nothing worth stealing, and rocks, concrete, and sand are nearly indestructible as well as being non-flammable.
Unfortunately, authorities reported numerous deaths and injuries. Sources say dozens of young boys were 'accidently' sodomized in the melee, as were hundreds of goats and donkeys. The official death toll stands at 43 rioters, all reportedly killed by goats and donkeys.
Due to a scheduling conflict (rerun of Blossom) I was forced to record the President's State of the Union address last night so I could live blog it today. Let's see what's happening.
There's a large room full of politicians. It appears to be a courtroom. In the middle is a watchtower manned by Joe Biden and that orange guy. These two have a great vantage point and are probably doing everything in their power not to spit on the milling underlings below.
President Obama just came out like a rock star. The room is going crazy. Nancy Pelosi is either having a seizure or an orgasm. Joe Biden is clapping like a seal on meth, and grinning like he just discovered a free decoder ring at the bottom of his glass of Scotch. Even Michelle Obama looks happy, a glistening film of what appears to be bacon grease coating her feral lips.
Finally, the President starts talking. I use this opportunity to go mix up some delicious margaritas. When I come back he's telling us about "newlyweds Ben and Rebeka" from Minnesota, and how they had a great life until their business went bust (I'm pretty sure these are the people who got sued for not make homo wedding cakes). Then, almost like magic, the economy came roaring back, catapulting them into a pile of dough that has Rebeka pooping out kids like Pop Tarts. Everything's okay now! Even I could have written a more interesting story than this. I go whip up some Chex Mix and little wienies on toothpicks.
When I get back, I watch Barry drone on for a few minutes until the sound of his voice cinches my lower tract like a bungee cord from Hell. The concussion of the ensuing fart parts the fur on my cat, and slightly melts a small area of pleather on my new couch. Crap. I switch over to Joel Osteen until I feel better. Mesmerized by his smile, I send him a check for $135.
Back to the SOTU. President Obama is droning on and on about a bunch of crap that's so uninteresting I can't even tell what the hell he's talking about. I hop over to Animal Planet and watch a fascinating show about the mating habits of fruit bats. I make mental notes to (1) apply what I've learned on my new girlfriend next time she's drunk, and (2) make some interesting modifications to my Batman costume before next Halloween.
Back at the SOTU I'm disappointed yet greatly relieved to see President Obama not talking. He's now strolling around the courtroom shaking everyone's hand like he just cured cancer. I notice Joe Biden evidently peed himself at some point, and make a mental note to monitor Ebay for the chair - it would go great in my home office.
The President works the room while everyone continues to clap like crazy, even some of the Republicans. The President must have announced something really great at the end, like everyone's getting a new car or Kim Kardashian was crushed by a yak. I pray it's the latter.
Summary: All in all, it was a solid speech. It sounds like the President ran the country perfectly last year, and I really liked the way he looked into my soul while actually reading the teleprompter - only Larry King does it better, and that's high praise indeed.
President Obama gives State of the Union address (artist rendering)
PARIS, France (WNB) - The French government announced on Tuesday that they intend to repay the United States for last week's visit by John Kerry.
In what may have been the most awkward foreign policy incident in recent history, Sec. of State Kerry attempted to make up for the recent U.S. snub of France's Charlie Hebdo memorial rally, by dragging singer James Taylor to that country a week later to play a sappy song using what sounded to be a Mr. Microphone with low batteries.
A statement released by French Foreign Minister Lepeu Me'fharte said his country will be sending aging ventriloquist, Jacques Strepp, to the White House to do his famous 'Farting de Gaulle' routine as soon as Strepp finds his dummy.