WASHINGTON (BHN) - Attorney General Eric Holder told a House Judiciary Committee Wednesday that he had no involvement in the government's covert tapping of Associated Press and Big Hairy News phone lines.
Holder told investigators that he recused himself from the case, saying the decision to collect information from the news agencies was made entirely by Deputy Attorney General James Cole.
The Associated Press responded to Holder's comments by releasing security camera photos that appear to show Holder hiding in an AP newsroom cubical wearing headphones.(below).
The Attorney General's Office called the photos "meaningless."
PHOENIX (BHN) - One day after it was revealed that the government bugged phones at the Associated Press, another major news agency has come forward with evidence indicating their phones were also bugged.
Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter said in a press conference Tuesday morning that experts brought in to check for surveillance devices discovered sophisticated eavesdropping electronics covertly installed on office phones (below). Markings on the devices indicated they may be associated with a government agency.
"I can't put into words how mad I am," said Van Neuter. "I look forward to getting with my AP friends to discuss suing the crap out of these commie sons of bitches."
WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama's attempt to speak under pressure without a teleprompter today at a White House press conference resulted in his apparently channeling Bill Clinton.
Years ago in a now-infamous news conference, Clinton lapsed into convoluted gibberish about the word "is" while attempting to spin his involvement with Monica Lewinsky.
"There's no there there" Obama said Monday as he struggled to form a cohesive sentence without his teleprompter. The President was presumably attempting to address criticism of his administration's handling of the Benghazi terror attack.
The press conference ended abruptly when a telltale whiff of smoke indicated the President's brain was possibly overheating. Jay Carney later reported that the President was fine, saying, "There was no actual fire, things just got a little warm, that's all."
Working without a net: President Obama attempts to spin without a teleprompter
NEW YORK (BHN) - Appearing on the Lifetime show called Dear Mom, Love Cher, the famous singer's mother confessed that she came within minutes of aborting her now-famous daughter.
Georgia Holt was 20 and recently separated from her husband when she found herself pregnant with Cher. She opted for an abortion, but while sitting in the waiting room waiting to have the procedure came to the realization she couldn't go through with it. The 86-year-old Holt described living with the decision since that fateful day.
"Yeah, all my dreams came true - I produced a Godless slut who blessed me with a bearded 300 pound granddaughter with a d*ck."
Sources say Planned Parenthood has expressed interest in using the story for promotional purposes.
BOSTON (BHN) - The body of Boston bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev has been buried in an undisclosed location, police said Thursday morning, after a public furor erupted over what to do with his remains.
"As a result of our public appeal for help, a courageous and compassionate individual came forward to provide the assistance needed to properly bury the deceased," Worcester, Mass. police said in a statement, according to the Boston Globe. "His body is no longer in the city of Worcester and is now entombed."
While police did not say where the body was taken, a photo posted on Facebook this morning (below) showing Attorney General Eric Holder relaxing in his back yard could possibly provide a clue.
Eric Holder relaxes in his backyard (Facebook photo)
BIG HAIRY NEWS - A bizarre-looking carcass washed ashore recently on a New Zealand beach, fueling speculation that it was some sort of sea monster.
A YouTube video described the carcass on Pukehina Beach in the Bay of Plenty as belonging to a "strange marine creature" and the uploader asked: "Can anyone identify what it is? It has a weird head with huge teeth, rudimentary flippers, and a huge ass."
Some scientists believe it could be the ancestor of a prehistoric missing link possibly bridging marine and mammal species.
LOS ANGELES (BHN) - Testimony in the wrongful death suit of Michael Jackson revealed formally unknown details of his physical condition at the time of death.
Jurors were shown a photo of the pop star's unclothed corpse during the autopsy, while a doctor read the report noting that Jackson's lips were tattooed pink and his eyebrows were actually a dark tattoo. The front of his scalp was also tattooed black, apparently to blend his hairline with the wigs he wore.
The autopsy report described Jackson as being small and frail, but said his body showed no signs of any fatal natural condition.
WASHINGTON (BHN) - The White House is talking tough after being criticized for totally ignoring Syria's deadly chemical attack last week that clearly violated President Obama's stated "red line."
During the Monday morning press conference, Press Secretary Jay Carney warned Syrian President Bashar Assad of what the administration is calling "a line in the sand," saying the White House "would not hesitate to notice any action involving satellite death rays, giant flying robots, or legions of trained killer monkeys."
"The Syrian leadership needs to be aware that should they cross this line, the United States will not not notice any of those things - we will notice them and are prepared to take appropriate action as needed to communicate that we are aware that they are happening," warned Carney.
Experts are calling the White House move a dangerous escalation in the continuing conflict.
LITTLE ROCK (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told an Arkansas audience Thursday she is beseeching God Almighty to make Hillary Rodham Clinton president.
"Next to asking God for the killing of more unborn babies, I've been really lobbying Him hard to make Hillary president of the United States," said the rapidly-blinking Pelosi (RTRD-Ca), drawing drunken applause from the presumably-unemployed crowd.
"Based on all her accomplishments as Secretary of State the last four years, there's no doubt in my mind she'd make a worthy successor to Barry," said Pelosi.
WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama recognized the National Day of Prayer today by issuing a proclamation calling for "prayers and invocations" in the wake of national tragedies, including the dozens of people killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School, Boston Marathon, and West Texas refinery, as well as the over 300,000 unborn children slaughtered by Planned Parenthood yearly.
While the President did mention God in passing once in the lengthy ode to man's greatness, Jesus Christ was notably absent as the self-professed "born again Christian" continues his administration's steady progress in eliminating Christianity from all phases of American life.
In related news, the Pentagon has released a statement confirming that military personnel could be court-martialed for sharing their Christian faith. Obama Pentagon officials have been meeting with anti-Christian extremist Mikey Weinstein to develop the court-martial procedures.
"Jesus Christ has no place in the US military," said one Pentagon general, "unless, of course, he's gay."
NEW YORK (BHN) - Scientists are scrambling to combat the rapid spread of a new antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea.
"It's an emergency situation," said William Smith, executive director of the National Coalition of STD Directors. "This thing is being spread at a mind-boggling rate - even rabbits don't copulate this much."
Sources say a possible source has been identified, but is reportedly unavailable while in an undisclosed rehab facility. Information on the individual's identity is being kept confidential.
BIG HAIRY NEWS - American women have spent over $61 million to obtain arms like first lady Michelle Obama. The plastic surgery required combines arm lengthening, implants, and liposuction to produce freakishly scrawny, long limbs with large biceps.
"She's my girl, what she do, I do. Straight up, yo," said enhanced arms recipient, Shawanda "Taffy" Johnson (below).
PHOENIX (BHN) - Following a recent series of public announcements by athletes and celebrities proclaiming their homosexuality, popular media news personality Scooter Van Neuter announced Monday morning that he is "normal."
"At this point in my life I feel compelled to tell the world about my sexual orientation," an emotional Van Neuter told reporters. "I have finally found the strength to proclaim to you all that I am not a homo. I am, in fact, completely normal. There, I said it."
Van Neuter's comments drew immediate condemnation from prominent liberals and gay advocacy groups. "While it certainly took courage to make his statement, by not being gay Van Neuter is inferring all other celebrities are somehow abnormal," said one well known lesbian TV personality. "I hate him."
Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter: "I'm not gay."
WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama made history Friday as the first sitting US president to address Planned Parenthood, the world's largest abortion provider.
The President was wildly received by the audience as he entered the room carrying what appeared to be a bloody aborted fetus. Reaction somewhat cooled when he admitted it wasn't real, but the overall affect was still successful, and established a lighthearted tone for the event.
The highlight of the President's address was applauding Planned Parenthood's 333,964 abortions performed in 2011, a new all-time record. Obama beamed and gave the "thumb's-up" during the following lengthy standing ovation, then laughed as he watched the audience frantically rip the prop baby to pieces after he playfully tossed it into the crowd.
With a 100% rating by abortion advocacy group NARAL, Obama is widely regarded as being one of the strongest voices for killing babies among all professed born-again Christians.
President Obama delights Planned Parenthood audience with fake aborted fetus
WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama revealed the strategy he and First Lady Michelle Obama have been using to keep their daughters away from tattoos.
Speaking on NBC's "Today" show in a segment originally filmed before the Boston Marathon bombings, President Barack Obama said, "We told the girls, 'If you guys ever decide you're going to get a tattoo, then mommy and me will get the exact same tattoo, and we'll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo.'"
No mention was made of the tattoo first lady Michelle has had since college (below).
LA JOLLA, California (BHN) - Scientists at the Scripps Institute in California have discovered a way to turn a patient's stem cells into brain cells.
In related news, noted philanthropist, Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter, announced Tuesday the establishment of the Van Neuter Scientific Trust For Brain Cell Development, a charity created to provide Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) with the funding needed to participate in advancing this research.
"When I heard this could be done, I was like OMG, this could really help some people," Van Neuter said during an interview on NBC's Good Morning America. "The obvious person that came to mind was Rep. Pelosi, and I just felt I had to do something - the need was so strong."
Possible future recepients of the charity include Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, and of course, Chris Matthews.
Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter gives back, recepient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA)
ISTANBUL, Turkey (BHN) - Secretary of State John Kerry said on a trip to repair ties with Turkey that the death of innocent civilians at the Boston Marathon reminded him of the Turkish militants killed onboard the ship Marmara.
Nine militants were killed during attempts to rescue Israeli commandos who had been severely wounded and captured by activists aboard the vessel. Seven Israelis were wounded during the operation.
The militants killed on the ship were armed with "flares, night vision goggles, 150 bullet proof vests, 200 gas masks, several dozen slingshots, 200 knives, 20 axes, 50 wooden clubs, 100 assorted iron bars, etc," and had violently attacked Israeli soldiers in an effort to kill them.
Kerry's comments were so bizarre that even one Turkish TV station referred to Kerry as "a traitorous retard who deserves to be killed by his own countrymen."