Big Hairy News

John Edwards Sex Tape Photo!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - We have obtained an exclusive photo (below) reportedly from the sex tape made by John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter.

Hunter was declared the owner of the tape by a recent court decision, and says she intends to destroy it.

The approximately four minute tape shows Edwards pleasuring himself while looking into a mirror. A nude woman assumed to be Hunter is behind Edwards, combing and playing with his hair.

My comments: Wow, they make a really hot couple - John Edwards and himself!

 

Omamas Burned In Effigy Over Koran Incident

KABUL (BHN) - Rioting escalated throughout Afghanistan over the improper disposal of Korans at a U.S. military base.

Bagram Airbase remains on lock-down as thousands of angry Muslims continue to run around screaming, yelling, and hitting themselves over the head.

The high point of Wednesday's protest was the burning of life-like Barack and Michelle Obama effigies. Afterward the angry mob ran around screaming, yelling, and hitting themselves over the head until dinner time.

My comments: It's just like a Justin Bieber concert, only with smelly, retarded, middle-aged men. - very cool.

 

Angry mob with Michelle Obama effigy

Muslims Riot Over Improper Disposal Of Korans

KABUL (BHN) Thousand of Muslims in Afghanistan continue to riot after Afghan laborers found charred copies of the Koran while collecting rubbish at Bagram Airbase.

In an effort to prevent this type of situation from happening again, non-Muslims are asked to observe the following Islamic rules for proper Koran disposal:

• Never burn the Koran on the ground - this is considered an insult to the Islamic faith. Always burn the Koran on a plate or in a receptacle. 
• Always burn the Koran by itself or with the Hadith - never with other rubbish.
• When disposing of the Koran in a toilet be careful to not defecate on the sacred book as it is forbidden. Urinating on the Koran is acceptable, but only if you have not been drinking alcohol.
• When using a discarded Koran as an absorbent in a cat box, the above rules don't apply, as the sacred text has no meaning for cats, and they have little control over where they poop.
• Never cook hot dogs over a burning Koran unless they are 100% beef.
• When using discarded pages from the Koran as Kleenex, do not allow snot to touch the name Mohammad, as it is sacred. 
• If using a discarded Koran for target practice, make sure the bullets have not been in contact with pork products or a Jew.

My comments: This information was badly needed - I realize now I've been doing it wrong!

 

Colorado Deluged With Yeti Sightings

ASPEN (BHN) - Authorities in Aspen, Colorado are being inundated with reports of a Yeti or Sasquatch-type creature being seen in town and even on area ski slopes.

The creature is described as being tall and gangly, with long legs and large, powerful thighs and buttocks. Several individuals said the animal leans to the left, and smells "like a cheeseburger."

My comments: How many times is this retarded site going to run this story?

 

Sasquatch creature spotted near Aspen

Bobby Brown Behavior Suspect At Funeral

NEWARK, NJ (BHN) - Former husband Bobby Brown unexpectedly left the funeral for Whitney Houston shortly after the service began. Brown claimed he left because security had asked his entourage to move several times for no apparent reason, but others claim there is more to the story.

"We saw Bobby messin' around with the casket," said one unidentified security guard. "He was doing something with the lid up. Turned out he was clipping her toenails - we found him smoking them in a pipe behind the stage. We told him he had to leave."

While some claimed Bobby may have been intoxicated as he exited the premises, there was no way to verify the security guard's account.

My comments: That's just wrong on so many levels. So many.

 

 

Hillary Clinton The New Face Of Genital Mutilation

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave a moving keynote address at the International Day of Zero Tolerance for Female Genital Mutilation held in the Benjamin Franklin Room at the Department of State Thursday.

Many were moved to tears by the former First Lady's personal story of genital mutilation, the result of an unfortunate childhood pogo stick accident. While most girls and women suffer genital mutilation through forced operations, the traumatic aftermath was the same for Clinton - a lifetime of degradation and shame, and a husband who prefers fatties and trolls.

My comments: OK, that did it - I'm now gay.

 

 Hillary Clinton shares story of genital mutilation

Maxine Waters Asks To Be Taken Out

SAN DIEGO (BHN) - In a bizarre, rambling speech to a state convention audience last weekend, Rep. Maxine Waters called Republican leaders Boehner and Cantor "demons."

Despite having a double digit IQ, she then bragged about the chilling possibility that she may head the Financial Services Committee, as disgraced pervert Barney Frank retires.

Perhaps understanding the disastrous ramifications of someone of her intellect heading this committee, Waters then made this ominous plea: "Don't ever let me see again, in life, those Republicans in our hall, on our screens, talking about anything."

Speaker of the House Boehner later told reporters, "We can only pray someone will fulfill Maxine's request."

My comments: I agree with Boehner, this much stupidity coupled with that much power equals disaster.

 

Maxine Waters (file photo)

Obama Coddles Commie ATM

WASHINGTON (BHN) - After a grandiose reception usually reserved for our nation's closest allies, Barack Obama greeted Chinese heir apparent, Vice President Xi Jinping, in the Oval Office Tuesday morning.

The President made no pretense of his desperate need to please the communist who will soon be in charge of loaning him the trillions needed to pay off unions, expand our government, and finance 'green' industries should Obama be reelected.

While Xi Jinping was cordial he did keep the President at bay, only allowing the occasional kiss but rebuffing Obama's repeated attempts to unzip the Chinese Vice President's trousers.

My comments: I've heard of sucking up, but that's just ridiculous. 

 

Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping meets his new b*tch

Putin Pushes Sex

KURGEN, Russia (BHN) - Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin Monday urged his countrymen to start having more sex to put a stop to the country's declining population.

In one of his more controversial presidential election campaign pledges, Putin vowed a number of incentives to encourage Russians to participate in his "Tap That Ass" program in order to start having more children.

The virile former president attempted to set an example at the Siberian grade school where he announced the proposed, by appearing without pants and trying to talk one of the school teachers into a "quickie." Sources report that he was ultimately successful, and "likely the future father of triplets."

Opposition leaders scoffed at Putin's pledge, saying they could grow the population twice as fast by merely "importing 10 to 20 Mexicans."

My comments: What a stud that Putin is!

 

 Putin attempts to put his "Tap That Ass" program into action

World Shocked By Whitney Houston's Death

 

BEVERLY HILLS (BHN) - Friends and strangers alike continue to express their shock and disbelief over the the death of singer and actress Whitney Houston.

"Outside of binging on crack, pills, and booze, she was doing fine," said one of her staff members. "Nobody saw this coming"

Howard K. Stern, former manager for Anna Nicole Smith, was quoted as saying, "Whitney's passing is every bit as unexpected as Anna Nicole's. It's like one minute they're fine - slurring words, falling down, vomiting all over the place, then the next thing you know, without warning they're suddenly dead. You just never know."

My comments: This brings back the still-fresh memories of Amy Winehouse's totally unexpected death. I still can't believe it. RIP Whitney.

Whitney Houston in better days

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "News so fresh, so creamy, so sweet, you'll be asking for more."

FLASH! Rumors Circulating That Kim Jong Un Assassinated!

Chinese micro-blogging service Weibo claims that new North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un and a bodyguard were assassinated today at the North Korean embassy in Beijing.

Although the rumor is almost certainly false, we wanted to offer some hopefully good news to offset the other depressing stories today.

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Saudi Faces Death Threats After Prophet Tweets

23-year-old Saudi Hamza Kashgari is facing death threats from Muslim religious authorities because he tweeted about the Prophet Muhammad: "I have loved things about you and I have hated things about you and there is a lot I don't understand about you. I will not pray for you." 

How dare this guy disrespect a demented homicidal antichrist pedophile! Off with his head!

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Homeland Security Monitoring Web For Anti-Government Sentiment

You never know when an angry conservative might say something disrespectful online about the messiah Barry, right Janet?  Off with their heads!

  

Kim Jong Un (r), Hamza Kashgari (RIP), Janet Napolitano

 

Taxpayers Provided $1.6 Billion In Free Cell Phones, Minutes

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Last year, a federal program paid out $1.6 billion to cover free cell phones and the monthly bills of 12.5 million wireless accounts.

The program, intended to help low-income Americans, has grown sharply since 2008, but observers complain that the program suffers from poor oversight - phones are going to people who don't qualify, hundreds of thousands of those who do qualify have more than one phone and are primarly using them for phone sex and to order pizza, hookers, and drugs.

Obama administration officials contend the program is "needed," but are unable to say why.

My comments: Crap, for years I've been paying for this stupid cell phone and minutes! I feel like an idiot!

"Thanks for the phones, now let's order some pizzas"

 

First Lady Running Amok In People's House

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama has turned the White House into a junior high phys. ed. class in an apparent attempt to leave a legacy apart from being an angry anti-American elitist/spendthrift.

The First Lady invited "Late Night" host Jimmy Fallon to the People's House to  join her in running, dodge-ball, tug-a-war, push-ups, and watching her cavort on her personal tire swing.

Obama easily bested Fallon in every physical challenge. "It was no contest. She's bigger, stronger, angrier, and obviously extremely well-nourished on the best food our money can buy," said Fallon.

My comments: I hope somebody got a hefty deposit before these pinheads moved in, as this place is going to take a lot of work to fix up after they  move out (which is hopefully soon).

 

 

Pope To Obama: Back Off, B*tch!

VATICAN CITY (BHN) - The Catholic Church is threatening to do whatever is necessary to defeat the Obama administration's health care law requiring all employers, including religious institutions, to pay for birth control.

Catholic leaders in the United States are furious and determined to harness the voting power of the nation’s 70 million Catholic voters to defeat Barack Obama this fall, and now their commander is apparently preparing the charge.

According to our sources in the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI sent a private message to the White House Monday, reportedly warning President Obama to "Back off, you Godless little bitch, before someone gets hurt." 

While being old and in poor health, Pope Benedict is no stranger to dealing with evil, and is said to be spoiling for a fight.

My comments: I wouldn't mess with this guy if I were you, Barry! 

 

Pope Benedict XVI: "Come get some"

Obama: I'm Like A Piece Of Cheese

WASHINGTON (BHN) - During an interview that aired Monday on NBC's "Today" show, President Obama likened himself to cheese or maybe a bottle of wine, telling Matt Lauer he is "getting better as time goes on."

Lauer did not respond by asking, "So you were not very good when you were elected?," or "How long will it take for you to become good?," but instead moved to Obama's lap to ask questions about the GOP challengers. 

Later a political expert said that at his current rate of improvement, Obama should be the best president in history in approximately 82 years.

My comments: I think those two make a really great couple!

 

 

Iran: Mahdi Is Here, West's Defeat Near

TEHRAN (BHN) - Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei told a cheering crowd in Tehran that soon "Allah’s promises will be delivered and Islam will be victorious.”

Khamenei claimed the last Islamic Messiah, the 12th Imam Mahdi, is living on earth and will soon publicly announce his presence "after the needed environment is created" (war on Israel and her allies).

This news site has run exclusive photos of a mysterious man many claim to be the Mahdi. He is currently living in a mosque at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East.

Khamenei's remarks coincide with strong rumors that Israel is mere weeks away from a preemptive attack on Iran's nuclear facilities.

My comments: This conflict is absolutely inevitable and I don't like this Mahdi douchebag. It's go time, Israel - we've got your back (at least the Republicans)!

Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei, Islam's 12th Imam Mahdi?

Obama Claims Divine Guidance

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama told an audience at the annual National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he bases every policy decision on the Golden Rule.

He said he often falls to his knees in prayer to various entities, and emphasized the role of his religious values in determining where to lead the country.

"I know the version of that Golden Rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs — from Hinduism to Islam to Judaism to Paginism to the writings of Plato," said Obama. "I worship them all."

There were moments of levity during the usually solemn event courtesy of First Lady Michelle - once when she unexpectedly leaned in to kiss her husband just as he turned away, and later when she (presumably accidentally) loudly  passed wind during a prayer given by Pastor T.D. Jakes. 

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, it appears the Wookie was overfilled with the spirit! Thank God (the real One) nobody was killed or injured!

 

Trumpet call at Prayer Breakfast not exactly from Heaven

First Lady Lectures Leno On Eating

BURBANK (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno to promote her husband's re-election "Let's Move" campaign, that encourages people to exercise and eat healthy foods.

Obama lectured Leno on the lack of vegetables in his diet and cajoled him into eating a piece of bark and a bird's nest she recently brought back from Hawaii.

The funny man was on his best behavior, passing on the obvious opportunity to joke about the the First Lady's enormous caboose and thighs.

Afterward the pair were seen enjoying cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries at Obama's favorite LA restaurant.

My comments: Rumor has it that Mooshell carries a dozen hot wings with her at all times - one look at that gigantic ass says it's true!

First Lady Michelle Obama shares a bird's nest with Jay Leno

Newt Channeling Ronald Reagan

SARASOTA, Florida (BHN) - Presidential nominee candidate Newt Gingrich was sporting a new look when he appeared Monday night at a Florida campaign stop.

Gone is the grey hair and stodgy business suit, replaced with swept auburn locks, and western shirt, jeans, boots, and Stetson hat.

"From now on, my nickname is 'The Gripper,' as I have the firmest grip on the issues that are plaguing this country," Gingrich told the large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. 

Gingrich's campaigned denied accusations that they are attempting to portray their candidate as being identical to Reagan, noting in a statement that the former president "just played a cowboy in movies."

My comments: Republicans, I think we've found our candidate! Or maybe not. Hell, I dunno...

 

The "Gripper?"

Allen West For President

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (BHN) - Rep. Allen West created an intense longing in conservatives for him to run for president, and abject disdain from liberals because of his comments directed at President Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and DNC head Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, at the recent Palm Beach County Republican Party Lincoln Day dinner: 

"Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else. You can take it to Europe, you can take it to the bottom of the sea, you can take it to the North Pole, but get the hell out of the United States of America."

Video link HERE

My comments: The story title says it all.

 

Allen West's Lincoln Day message to Obama, Reid, Pelosi, and Wasserman-Schultz

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "If you like your news small, soft, and smooth, don't come here."

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Obama Exaggerates Number, Frequency of Mistakes

President Obama said recently in an interview, "I make a mistake every hour, every day."

One doesn't need to be a Rhodes Scholar to know that Barry's exaggerating like crazy - he's obviously making more than one mistake far more often than that. 

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Madonna Under Stress 

Madonna (the Godless, talentless, bony skank, not the mother of our Lord) said in a recent interview that the simultaneous release of her latest incredibly awful movie, "W.E.," new fragrance "Stank," new record featuring the single "Gimmee All Your Luvin" (presumably followed by a shot of penicillin for you), and her upcoming embarrassingly awful halftime performance at the Superbowl is causing her stress. 

Trust me, not nearly as much as it's causing us, sister :(

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The President Unveils His Economic Blueprint

Apparently channeling Nancy Pelosi with a traumatic head injury, Barry told a Las Vegas campaign stop audience: 

"On Tuesday at the State of the Union, I laid out my vision for how we move forward. I laid out a blueprint for an economy that's built to last, that has a firm foundation. Where we're making stuff and selling stuff and moving it around and UPS drivers are dropping things off everywhere."

Frankly, there's nothing I could add or change to make that statement any more retarded. Yeah, that's the guy I want to lead our country into an enlightened age of economic prosperity - 

 

 

President "Emotional" After AZ Verbal Beat-down

PHOENIX (BHN) - President Obama was left choking back tears Wednesday after being verbally pummeled by feisty Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.

The confrontation occurred as the President met Brewer upon arriving in Phoenix. Obama reportedly attacked the elderly governor over unfavorable comments she made about him in her book, "Eating Scorpions For Breakfast." Photos show Brewer angrily reacting to the unexpected attack by threatening Obama and poking a finger in his face.

"I told him, 'one more word and I'm going to kick your scrawny commie ass,'" Brewer later told an aide. "He's  a little p*ssy - I would have beat him like a bongo."

Obama was clearly emotional after the exchange, at one point wiping tears from his eyes as he was overheard telling one of his Secret Service bodyguards to "kill that b*tch if she tries to hurt me."

My comments: That would have been a good fight, I'm pretty sure Brewer would have taken him!

 

 

President Reaches Out To Retards

WASHINGTON (BHN) - According to an article in Wednesday's Politico, President Obama's 2012 State of the Union address again rated at barely an 8th grade comprehension level on the Flesch-Kincaid readability test — the third lowest score of any State of the Union address since 1934.

An analysis of the last 70 State of the Union addresses by the University of Minnesota found that President Obama's three addresses have the lowest grade average of any modern president.

"Obama is clearly attempting to communicate with his base - welfare queens, crackheads, illiterate pinheads, and retards in general," said one professor who participated in the study.

My comments:  I guess Barry knows his audience. Nice.

 

Iran Threatening Submarine Attacks

TEHRAN (BHN) - High-ranking Iranian military officials have issued a warning that their submarines "can ambush and destroy enemy vessels and especially U.S. aircraft carriers" should they return to the Persian Gulf - even as U.S. ships and carriers were re-entering the Gulf.

Rear Adm. Buht-Blancat Bengoh, of the Iranian army’s self-sufficiency jihad, claimed that the United States is especially focused on Iran’s “astonishing subsurface capabilities.”

“It would be the worst threat to the enemy,” Buht-Blancat said, “especially since Iranian submarines are noiseless and can easily evade detection."

Iranian submarines are exceptionally quiet as they have no motors, being towed to a shallow spot where they are sunk in the hope an enemy ship will run into them.

My comments: Is there any end to the number of advanced and deadly weapons our foe wields?

 

Iranian submarine being towed to attack position

 

Obama Celebrates 39 Years of Mass Murder

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama today joined fellow liberals in celebrating the 39th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, and the resulting slaughter of 56 million children.

"As we joyously celebrate this anniversary," said Obama, "I remain committed to protecting a woman’s fundamental constitutional right to rip her little boy or girl's body limb from limb while sucking the offending parasite into a bio-hazard bucket." 

He continued, "And as we remember this historic anniversary, we must also continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams of killing things.”

The President then shared a cake adorned with candy aborted fetuses with executives of Planned Parenthood and NARAL Pro-Choice America.

My comments: That cake looks delicious! Good times :)

 

President Obama serves cake commemorating Roe vs. Wade

Democrats Flocking To Gingrich

 BIG HAIRY NEWS - Latest poll results show that Democrat voters are flocking to support Republican Newt Gingrich, after allegations by his angry ex-wife that he is an immoral sex addict and serial adulterer.

"All I know is I can really relate to this guy," said longtime Democratic voter Kip Fresner. "I guess he shares my core values and also reminds me of Bill Clinton - I loved that guy."

The Gingrich campaign was initially caught by surprise by the unexpected influx of support from Democrats, but is now releasing photos of the candidate with various anonymous women, and quietly planting stories on-line of Newt's sleazy sexual encounters.

The Romney campaign is reportedly very concerned that Gingrich may also claim to be gay, thus capturing even more former Democrat voters.

My comments: I think Newt has found the formula for success. Nice!

 

 

First Lady Celebrates Birthday At Steakhouse

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama celebrated her 48th birthday Tuesday night with her husband and friends at a D.C. steakhouse. 

The First Lady reportedly enjoyed a tender young calf for dinner, followed by a specially-prepared red velvet cake for desert. 

My comments: Apparently the Wookie is on another diet!

 

Michelle Obama enjoys a tasty calf for her birthday

Gingrich - President's Visit To Disney World "Homecoming"

 

ORLANDO (BHN) - In what is described by conservatives as a "homecoming," President Barack Obama will be campaigning at Disney World Thursday.

"By now it's painfully obvious he's a Mickey Mouse president," a laughing Newt Gingrich joked to reporters. "The fact he' s also f*cking Goofy pretty well guarantees you'll find Barry at Disney World."

White House Press Secretary called Gingrich's remarks "tasteless," and quipped that Obama "prefers his big mutts to be female."

My comments: That Newt is a funny guy!

 

 

Newsweek-Obama Bromance Heats Up

BIG HAIRY NEWS - The latest issue of Newsweek takes the floundering publication's torrid love affair with Barack Obama to the next level. The cover features a photo of the President with the headline: “Why are Obama’s critics so dumb?”

While many conservative blogs are bristling at the insinuation that critics of Obama are less that intelligent, others point to the cover photo showing Obama with a snotty nose and juice box as a compelling argument that he's no genius, either.

My comments: If there's ever a Special Olympics for world leaders, I think we have an entrant!

 

Happy SVN Day!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Today, January 16, marks the birthday of a well-known and much beloved public figure.

While his accomplishments are notable, what this man has not done is even more so:

• He never plagiarized his doctoral thesis and numerous other academic and public writings. 
• He was never associated with the American Communist Party, nor privately described himself as a Marxist. 
• He was never a serial philanderer, ardent whore-monger, or abuser of women. 

The man whose birthday we are celebrating today is, of course, Big Hairy News founder and Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter.

Van Neuter achieved fame early in his career with his famous "I Have To Scream" speech he gave at Wichita State University in 1965. An excerpt: 

"I have to scream when I hear those immoral holders of the public trust, our liberal politicians, pushing their agenda of abortion and sexual perversion.

I have to scream when I see the left nurture sloth and disengagement with their vote-buying social welfare programs.

I have to scream when I see generation after generation of progressives and Democrats appease and coddle those who wish to destroy us, always to the peril of our security and that of our allies....."

Those words still hold true today. We join conservatives everywhere in wishing Scooter a very happy birthday!

 My comments: Wow, (*sniff sniff*) I had no idea! Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it!

 

Scooter Van Neuter gives his famous "I Have To Scream" speech