New York (WNB) - Sony Pictures co-Chair Amy Pascal met with 'Rev.' Al Sharpton in Manhattan on Thursday over leaked studio emails some consider racially insensitive.
In an obvious move to deflect any racial fallout, Sony reportedly agreed to let Sharpton have a say in how Sony makes motion pictures, after the pretend-reverend declared there was an "inflexible and immovable racial exclusion in Hollywood."
The released emails were part of thousands of files recently stolen in a cyber attack on the studio by North Korea-affiliated hackers.
In a possibly-related story, a Sony Pictures insider claims the studio is planning an epic, big budget film based on the story of an 'overweight, young Afro-American preacher who leads a secret life as a crime-fighting superhero, while rising to become the preeminent voice of black America.' "Think Martin Luther King meets Batman," said the source.
PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - What may be further evidence that North Korea was behind the hacking attack on Sony Pictures came Wednesday when that country's leader, Kim Jong-Un, posted what appears to be a victory dance selfie online.
The video appeared shortly after Sony Pictures announced they were cancelling the December 25th release of the film The Interview, a comedy about assassinating Kim Jong-Un.
In the article, President Obama tells of a time in high school when a white police officer accused young Barack of being a drug abuser. "Being called a pothead based on the color of my eyes taught me racism isn't dead. From what I can remember, it hurt."
First Lady Michelle also struggled with racist stereotypes in her childhood: "I was very tall and lanky as a young girl. In gym class one day we were climbing ropes. When it was my turn, I remember my white teacher saying, "Michelle, you should be good at this," obviously inferring that I was a big monkey. I never got over it."
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Sources confirm a behind-the-scenes fight is brewing between Democrat darling Elizabeth Warren and presumptive presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
"Somebody from Cambridge, Massachusetts recently sent Mrs. Clinton an obviously fake photograph of her husband cavorting with Mrs. Warren," said a source close to Clinton.
Warren has reportedly received a number of native American related items, including arrowheads, a small hatchet, and a cheap bottle of whiskey. Sources say she believes they were sent by Mrs. Clinton because "they reeked of desperation and failure."
Political pundits say Warren has a strong chance of being the party's favorite, due to Clinton's low likeability scores.
World News Bureau movie review by Scooter Van Neuter
I had high expectations for Exodus: Gods And Kings based on the fact it was directed by Ridley Scott who did one of my favorite movies of all time - Alien. The fact that Sigourney Weaver, who starred in Alien, also appears in Exodus pretty much guaranteed I'd love this movie - or so I thought.
This film had so many problems for me, I hardly know where to begin. Start with the fact this movie takes place in Bible times (pre-1800s) and doesn't feature a single alien, nor does Sigourney Weaver ever appear braless in a tight tee shirt (although she is really old now and that may have been a good thing). Also, this film had absolutely no kung fu and all the car chases were done with chariots. While there were several good special effects, unfortunately none of them involved giant robots. Can you say 'boring?'
The Exodus storyline involves a Jewish guy named Moses who wants to leave Egypt with all his Jewish friends. Without giving away the plot, Moses uses magic to torture and terrorize the Egyptians into letting him leave. From there the film devolves into one long chase scene through the desert, again, minus dune buggies *yawn*. There is one interesting surf scene near the end, but it simply isn't enough to make up for the lack of aliens or nipples.
The actor that played Bat Man (I can't remember his name) plays Moses. As I have never seen the real Moses, I have no idea how well he played him, but I'm pretty sure he sucked.
Despite these numerous shortcomings, the worst thing about Exodus: Gods And Kings is clearly its lack of Biblical accuracy. Although I slept through much of the movie, here are just a few things I noticed were missing:
Moses building and sailing the ark
Moses killing Goliath
Moses wearing a coat of many colors
Moses boning Cleopatra
Moses burning a bush
I really wanted to like Exodus: Gods And Kings, but I didn't. I give this film 2 1/2 rubber dog toys only because the studio gave me free tickets and popcorn. Do yourself a favor and go see the penguin movie instead.
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) - A computer hacking group identifying itself as the same one that recently attacked Sony Pictures has mounted a similar attack on conservative news media outlets World News Bureau and Big Hairy News.
The hackers, believed to be from North Korea and calling themselves 'Guardians Of Peace' (GOP), released on Thursday a series of potentially damaging emails between WNB/BHN CEO Scooter Van Neuter and contributing columnist and noted conservative pundit, Gina Miller:
...Gina, I don't know about you, but I think President Obama has distinguished himself as being perhaps the finest leader this country has ever had - I simply love him, and would so have gay sex with him!!
...Scooter, While I wholeheartedly agree that Barack is doing an awesome job as president and I wouldn't turn down the chance to pleasure him, Michelle is my hero. Strong, confident, beautiful in a primitive, 'dawn of man' sort of way - give me some of that delicious dark chocolate num num num num num num!!! :)
Van Neuter issued a statement Friday morning in response to the released correspondence:
"I deeply apologize to our readers for my comments, though meant to be private, concerning Obama. These comments are not who I am. I condemn everything Barry has done to this once-great country, and I have absolutely no desire to engage in any sort of personal interaction, especially of a homosexual nature, with him. Seriously, I hate his guts."
RICHMOND, Virginia (WNB) - A billboard proclaiming individuals are not born homosexual has become the target of angry gay rights activists in Richmond, Virginia where it is displayed.
Paid for by an organization aimed at helping former homosexuals gain acceptance, the ad features a picture of male twins and reads, "Identical twins. One gay. One not. We believe twins research studies show no dude is born wanting to bone another dude in the pooper."
Virginia gay rights organization "Hairy Chicks With Hanging D*cks" is calling for the billboard's removal. "That sign portrays something beautiful as being somehow unsavory - well, it's not," said a spokesperson for the group.
NASHVILLE, Tennessee (WNB) - President Obama played to his Southern audience in Tennessee Tuesday by using the Bible to defend his executive action providing amnesty for millions of illegal immigrants.
Excerpts from President Obama's address:
"After days spent crossing an inhospitable desert and avoiding smugglers and drug cartels, Joseph and Maria found no room at the inn. But then God acted through the leader of Bethlehem to give them a nice, free room complete with manger where Maria could poop out the Baby Jesús."
"I believe the good book says 'don't get stoned in grass houses.' These kids deserve real homes, not dilapidated huts in some marijuana field."
"We need to make sure we're looking at logs with our own eyes before we point sticks at other folks' eyes."
"Scripture commands us to ask not what our country can do for us, but rather what our country can do for others."
"Moses didn't build an ark for just himself, but for millions of unclean animals."
"One of the Jonas brothers got saved from downing by being swallowed by a friendly whale. The Jonas brother is millions of immigrants and the whale is America."
NEW YORK (WNB) - A photo released Tuesday may have finally identified the rapist Lena Dunham wrote about in her book Not That Kind Of Girl.
The image, reportedly taken near Oberlin College, appears to show Dunham walking with her described attacker. After reviewing the photo, a source close to the chunky actress confirmed the mustached individual pictured was, indeed, Barry. "Yep, that's definitely Barry - he raped her all the time. Nobody else would touch her."
The identity of Barry has been the source of great controversy since a recent article concluded that he simply did not exist as described by the hefty leftist. This new evidence may challenge that assertion.
KHATBOCHS, Iran - In the wake of the sensationalized deaths of Eric Garner and Michael Brown, Iran lashed out at the United States and the Obama administration on Sunday demanding that America immediately take action to end its crackdown on blacks.
"America must stop police brutality and the racist and inhumane treatment of colored people in the country and concentrate on eliminating their real problems - Jews and homos," said the statement issued Sunday from Iranian Foreign Ministry Spokesman Muhammad Fhartid.
White House spokesman Josh Earnest condemned the Iranian statement, saying, "The thought of 'eliminating' even one homosexual is unthinkable."