BELFAST (BHN) - Sources say U.S. President Obama is dreading his showdown with Russian stud Vladimir Putin at the G8 summit.
"The Syrian army has crushed the rebels thanks to Putin's providing Assad with everything from missiles to heavy artillery," said British Prime Minister David Cameron. "Now six months too late, Obama announces he's sending some handguns and a box of bullets to the rebels. Putin's wielding the big stick, Obama may as well be wearing a dress."
White House aides anticipate the cocky Putin will flaunt his diplomatic virility in the face of the impotent Obama, and hope to cut the meeting short.
VATICAN (BHN) - Pope Francis today responded to Nancy Pelosi's (Retard-CA) recent remarks where she cited her Catholic faith in defending late term abortion, by performing a remote exorcism over her photograph.
The ceremony, normally carried out in person, was performed at St. Peter's Basilica. Witnesses claim the large photo of Pelosi being held by a Bishop gave off acrid smoke as the Pope sprinkled it with holy water.
"Time will tell if this was successful, the evil possessing Mrs. Pelosi was obviously very, very strong," said a Vatican spokesman. "Using the adoration of Christ as reason for killing innocent little children is about as bad as it gets."
A Pelosi staff member bristled at suggestions her boss was demonic, saying, "There's a big difference between being incredibly stupid and being possessed by evil. A big difference."
Pope Francis performs a remote rite of exorcism on Rep. Nancy Pelosi
NEW YORK (BHN) - Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is officially 2013’s "Father of the Year" thanks to an award Tuesday from the non-profit National Father’s Day Council.
"With the possible exception of his numerous adulterous affairs, including diddling a girl young enough to be his daughter while in the White House, Mr. Clinton has displayed the type of character we seek in awarding this honor," said one council member.
"Who's your daddy?" Father of the Year honoree, Bill Clinton
NEW YORK (BHN) - Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is featured on the June cover of Time Magazine.
The cover story highlights Emanuel's notable accomplishment of transforming Chicago from a fetid sewer of crime and corruption into something actually worse - the poster child of Democratic governance.
BIG HAIRY NEWS - "News so fresh, it falls off the bone."
Today's top stories:
Russia Threatens US With Nuclear Annihilation
MOSCOW - Hey Putin, slow down on the vodka, comrade. Next story.
Bishops Claim Pope Francis Is A Space Alien
VATICAN CITY - Oh please, like we didn't already suspect this. Next.
Financial Markets Collapse Imminent!
NEW YORK - This is why all my money is in collectible plush toys. Next story.
FLOTUS Nearly Chokes To Death On A Cheeseburger
WASHINGTON - A swing and a miss - maybe next time! Next.
Justin Bieber To Perform In Space!!
HOLLYWOOD - The world is reeling with the news today that entertainer Justin Bieber will soon be going into space. Adding to the giddy anticipation is the likelihood he may perform, possibly while making a new music video!
Virgin Galactic owner Richard Branson confirmed in a Tweet that Bieber and his manager Scooter Braun have signed up for an upcoming space flight. Sources say no date has been set at this time.
Tweeted Branson: "Great to hear @justinbieber & @scooterbraun are latest @virgingalactic future astronauts. Congrats, see you up there!" Bieber replied: "Let's shoot a music video in SPACE!!"
Fans like yours truly are fervently hoping the young star will be given enough room to remove his space suit and "slouch around" the craft while lip-syncing one of his awesome hits!! We heart you, Justin!
WASHINGTON (BHN) - As part of her "Let's Move!" initiative, First Lady Michelle Obama is promoting the popular new exercise "prancercise." The new fad mixes jogging, dance moves, and prancing.
Obviously taking a cue from the viral video of prancercise creator Joanna Rohrback, Michelle Obama on Wednesday released a twelve minute video of herself "prancercising" around the White House grounds.
The video was later removed from the White House website, reportedly in response to "an avalanche" of undisclosed complaints.
Let's Move!: Michelle Obama "prancercises" at the White House
WASHINGTON (BHN) - Abortion advocate and Human Health and Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius appears to be going for an "extremely" late term abortion, in denying the desperate pleas of a dying 10-year-old Pennsylvania girl in need of a lung transplant.
Even some GOP congressmen have joined the little girl and her family in literally "begging" Sebelius to intervene, only to find their pleas falling on deaf ears.
A source close to the HHS secretary said it's no surprise the requests have been in vain. "Everyone knows Kathy would rather see kids aborted. Expecting her to give a crap about a sick one who lived would be a fantasy - she's going for the kill."
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba (BHN) - Jihadists, both real and otherwise, are working overtime to get into the US prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, as news of the camp's amenities get around.
Detainees enjoy delicious meals, endless varieties of sports and outdoor activities, and a multitude of classes such as "Introduction To Painting Nudes" and "Fun French Cuisine."
After adding so many luxuries to the camp, even non-jihadists from locales such as Puerto Rico and Santa Monica are attacking US targets in an attempt to vacation there.
"Thanks to the recession I wasn't able to afford Sandals anymore," said Michael David from Baltimore. "Gitmo is every bit as good, and it's free. Outside of the beating, It was well worth traveling to Iraq and slapping a Marine."
Highlights of the camp include a new water park, Jazzercize studio, and go-cart track.