In celebration of the recent elections, this week I'm taking a much-needed break from doing nothing. Meanwhile, here's something retarded from one of our sister sites:
The title says it all - my girlfriend has officially embarked on what promises to be a very profitable blessed ministry of healing/knocking down sick people and speaking the prophetic word!
Since her anointing, Sissy has been honing her prophetess skills. So far, she's miraculously healed me of a headache, twitch, and even uncontrollable farting after dinner at Taco Bell the other night. As if that weren't enough, I personally saw her heal her little sister Spud of acting like a moron, at least temporarily - praise Jesus!
The Prophetess still needs a little more work on knocking people down with a touch (insider jargon -"slaying in the spirit"), but she's getting there. So far, her best results have been with repetitious, soft hymns playing in the background while she questions the afflicted in a low, soothing voice. With escalating volume she then starts speaking in tongues, culminating in her smacking the afflicted person in the forehead with her open palm while screaming "FIRE! FIRE ON YA!!" At this point, the person falls backward into a blissful, comatose state, then starts convulsing like they're being electrocuted. The first time she tried this on me I passed out and peed all over the carpet (If this would have been a church event, we would have had a "catcher" arresting my fall and putting a little blanket over my genital area).
During her training, Sissy's biggest challenge was getting Spud to fall over - no doubt because of her mild retardation (Spud's not Sissy's). Every time Sissy slapped her on the forehead, Spud would start kicking like a little spastic Jackie Chan. We finally determined that Spud was possessed by a demon of non-compliance, so we tied her to the coffee table and branded her stomach with a heated coat hanger in the shape of a cross, which seemed to help. Now Spud falls over when Sissy smacks her in the forehead, but Sissy has to flash the coat hanger first.
Prophetess Sissy's strongest anointing is easily her speaking the prophetic word. Yesterday, she had a "word of knowledge" that our cat, Mr. Jangles, was in danger. Incredibly, an hour later I found him trapped in the dryer! Later, in the middle of the night, Sissy woke me up to give me a word of knowledge that our neighbor somehow needed help. I ran next door to find Mrs. Schneider's prized rose bush on fire! This undeniably confirmed Sissy's prophetess powers, as she doesn't even like Mrs. Schneider.
Anyway, through God's grace and a new Facebook page, Prophetess Sissy already has a gig lined up at a Pentecostal church downtown this weekend. In the spirit of Christian charity, she's graciously agreed to appear for free and a "love gift" of 5% of the offering. I'm no prophetess, but I predict God's getting ready to bless me with a new Rolex!