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Scientists Identify Bigfoot DNA
Genetic testing confirms the legendary Bigfoot is a human relative according to a press release issued by a company called DNA Diagnostics detailing work by a Texas veterinarian.
The study by Melba S. Ketchum also suggests such cryptids had sex with modern human females that resulted in hairy hominin hybrids.
University: No Middle Class American White Hetero Males Please
The black female professor teaching Butler University's "Political Science 201: Research and Analysis" class has stated that students in her class must ignore their "American-ness, maleness, whiteness, heterosexuality, and middle class status."
"Here, let me spell it out: The only people who will graduate this class are poor lesbian foreign students of color," she said. "And if they're vegan communists they'll graduate with honors - guaranteed."
Obamas To Take $4 Million 20 Day Vacation
While the US economy teeters on a fiscal precipice, the first family is preparing for an extravagant 20 day Hawaiian vacation. According to the General Accounting office, the trip will cost taxpayers "at least $4M - possibly more if Michelle discovers the Fatburger several miles away."