BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - The recent election illustrates the fact that the majority of American voters are now comprised of Godless individuals blissfully ignorant of American and world history, current events, and even candidates' backgrounds and basic ideology. These are today's Democrats.
As a public service, we offer "Living With The Democrat Next Door*," 5 tips to assist normal people in coexisting with this new majority:
1. Do not make eye contact with Democrats! This is important, as liberals are known to be substance abusers and/or obviously mentally unstable. Many support themselves by robbing productive members of society (like you!).
2. If your neighbors are Hispanic, befriend them. Though likely in this country illegally so you can pay for the births of their 10 kids, there is an excellent chance within the next four years they will suddenly become voting U.S. citizens, thereby controlling U.S. politics (and your future) literally forever.
3. Take the Jesus fish off your car (especially if you like the car). The majority of voters today will see you (and your car) as an enemy of women and gays if they suspect you worship God. The likelihood of vandalism to your car or personal injury to yourself will be reduced if you don't profess faith in any power higher than Lady Ga Ga.
4. Take a second job. The proliferation of Democrats equates to a dramatic increase in people on welfare, food stamps, disability, free health care, and receiving free cell phones. Unfortunately, there is not enough tax revenue to cover these liberal "perks," so those of us who do work will need to earn more. Do your part and get a second or third job.
5. Join a union. If you are not part of a union, you are letting "big business" oppress you by making you work too hard while retaining the power to fire you for inconsequential things like drinking and doing drugs at work. Also, why should college graduates be the only ones making over $100K a year? Until your company is inevitably forced to move to China or go bankrupt, join your liberal friends and get yours ( also see #4).
* Props to Dennis J. for this story idea -