WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama nominated Sen. John Kerry (Retard-Mass) Friday to be his next secretary of state.
"He is not going to need a lot of on-the-job training," Obama quipped, standing alongside Kerry at the White House. "He's proven over the years that he's just shy of being a full-fledged commie - he's a perfect fit for this administration." The White House later confirmed that the comment was meant as humor.
The 69-year-old Kerry is expected to be easily confirmed by his Senate colleagues, although the President and fellow Democrats' first choice had reportedly been Jane Fonda.
BIG HAIRY NEWS EDITORIAL - Despite my long-held conservative beliefs, incidents in the last few days no longer allow me to be silent about the subject of firearms. Pretending guns are not to blame for gun violence is the same as saying rocks aren't responsible for stoning injuries - both can kill, both want to kill.
This reality vividly hit home with me several nights ago. While watching television I thought I saw something skitter across the floor down the hallway. When a search of the area turned up nothing, I decided to turn in and go to bed. What happened next changed my thinking about guns forever.
Imagine my horror as I pulled back the covers of my bed, only to be staring down the barrel of my loaded Berreta 92FS INOX 9 mm pistol. I ducked as a shot rang out, and as I bolted at least two more rounds impacted the wall beside me. I heard the gun hit the floor and knew it was right behind me as I ran for the door to the garage.
Suddenly, a deafening blast from the kitchen sent me reeling into the living room. My Mossberg 500 tactical shotgun had situated itself next to the toaster, obviously intending to kill me if I tried to escape into the garage. Only poor visibility prevented it from taking off my head.
By the grace of God I was able to flee out the front door with my life. A police investigation showed that for reasons unknown a small but determined group of my guns had conspired to kill me. Most were found hiding around my home, but my Sig Sauer P229 and Walther PK380 stole my car and were later apprehended in Corpus Christi, Texas after robbing a convenience store.
Guns are dangerous, cunning, conniving, deadly. We must control them and we need to act now. Next time you may be their target, and you may not be so lucky.
WASHINGTON (BHN) - Healthy eating advocate Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Retard-Ohio) is calling for the creation of a new federal department to presumably promote the consumption of peas.
The diminutive congressman has a long history of introducing bizarre leftist initiatives, thought to be the result of being repeatedly kicked in the head as a child by his aunt, a series of bad acid trips in the late 60s, and the stigma of being the only elected official in the United States under 4' tall.
"Yeah, Dennis is like a little retarded troll doll, only with way nicer hair," said House Speaker John Bohner. "We just ignore him."
UPDATE: We incorrectly identified Rep. Kucinich's proposed department as the "Department of Peas" - it would actually be the "Department of Peace." We apologize for this error.
BIG HAIRY NEWS (BHN) - A new study says that people quitting junk food experience affects similar to drug withdrawal.
Researchers at the University of Montreal say altering a high-fat diet creates chemical changes in the brain that can cause anxiety, light-headiness, and even passing out.
In other news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a concussion after passing out at home. Her doctor suggested a new diet was possibly to blame. Clinton was treated at the scene with a McRib and a bag of Skittles.
BIG HAIRY NEWS - It appears the answer to the question "where did all the Newsweek readers go?" has been definitively answered with the results of a new Time reader's poll.
The magazine's almost 1000 readers voted North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un as their pick for "Person of the Year."
When questioned why anyone smart enough to read would possibly pick the corpulent little commie for this honor, a Time editor replied, "The feedback we got was everyone really liked his "Gangnam Style" video, and frankly so did we - he rocks."
BUENOS AIRES (BHN) - Actor Sean Penn attended a candlelight vigil in Bolivia Monday for the health of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez who is in Cuba undergoing his fourth cancer surgery.
"He’s one of the most important forces we’ve had on this planet," said Penn. "I wish him nothing but that great strength and rigidity he has shown me over and over and over again - hell, I'm surprised I can still walk! But seriously, I do it in love."
NEW YORK (BHN) - Researchers are trying to figure out why sexually transmitted disease rates are soaring in the Big Apple.
A study by the Department of Health has identified a sudden and dramatic increase of multiple STDs including chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts, crabs, muff mange, crotchrot, the drips, anal ants, barkballs, wang chung, taco ticks, dilldong, beaver blight, soursack, and even HIV/AIDs.
"The epicenter seems to be the club district in Manhattan," said one city official, "but that's all we know at this point."
Lindsay Lohan remains in NYC after saying she can't afford the $8K a month rent for her LA home
WASHINGTON (BHN) - Exit polls show that 12 percent of voters on election day were counted as "religiously unaffiliated."
The Pew Research Center claims Hell-bound American voters now make up nearly 20 percent of the country's population, and are typically morally bankrupt, younger, more socially liberal, and vote Democratic.
"The ungodly really relate to Obama," said one political analyst. "He lies, he's narcissistic, he pits races and classes against each other, and they realize he only pretends to be religious when campaigning."
PHOENIX (BHN) - The state of Arizona is gearing up for a wave of incoming wealthy California millionaires and business owners escaping the ever-increasing confiscation of their earnings by one of the worst managed states in the country.
Thanks to unions and years of out-of-control social and welfare program spending, coupled with the passage of Proposition 30 last month, high-income Californians are poised to pay the nation's highest marginal income tax rates - nearly 52 percent, and Arizona couldn't be happier.
"While we really don't need the extra traffic, we are thrilled at the multitude of California businesses and their wealthy owners coming to our great state," said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. "I can't blame them - who in their right mind would want to live in that socialist swamp?"
California and Arizona - a contrast in philosophies
WASHINGTON (BHN) - An apparently confused President Obama inexplicably summoned some of TV's lowest rated television personalities to advise him on how to handle the failing US economy and looming "fiscal cliff."
Among the guests were a number of MSNBC hosts including Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Lawrence O'Donnell, and a presumably heavily sedated Ed Schultz.
"The President was a community organizer, not some kind of economics guy," Jay Carney told reporters when asked why Obama would seek fiscal advice from individuals who are largely unsuccessful in their own shallow profession. "Also, he didn't really know who else to call."
Carney called reports that Al Sharpton allegedly stole White House silverware during his visit "likely a simple misunderstanding - I'm sure he intends to return it," he said.
MSNBC hosts Maddow (left) and Sharpton visit White House
DETROIT BHN) - Barack Obama displaced Rosa Parks as the symbol of the civil rights movement when he refused to be bullied into giving up his seat on the same bus.
President Obama commemorated the 57th anniversary of Parks' famous stand by visiting the Henry Ford Museum in Detroit to have his photo taken on the historic bus.
With photographers capturing his every move, Obama, dressed as Parks, climbed into the bus and took the same seat she had taken over a half century earlier. Suddenly, in a dramatic repeating of history, Obama's white half demanded his black half give up the seat and move to the back of the bus. With solemn determination, President Obama's black half sternly stood his ground and refused to give up the seat.
There was not a dry eye in the place as Barack Obama cemented his place in history as the new symbol for civil rights and equality in this country. Shortly afterward, the White House replaced the exhibit photos of Parks with those of Obama.
History repeats itself - Barack Obama's black half refuses to give up his seat to his white half