BIG HAIRY NEWS - "If it's news you don't need, you won't find it here."
Chavez "Clinging To Jesus"
CARACAS - Reports out of Venezuela say President Hugo Chavez's condition is not improving, and that he is "clinging to Jesus."
In possibly-related news, Pope Benedict today called on Catholics to pray for "Heavenly dryer sheets."
Obama Looks To Sharpton For Economic Advice
WASHINGTON - President Obama met with Al Sharpton and other "African American Leaders" to get their input on "ways to strengthen the economy for the middle class and build ladders of opportunity for those striving to get there."
Economists are anxiously waiting to see how the President will incorporate "race-baiting blackmail" into achieving the stated goals.
Detroit Named "Most Miserable City"
DETROIT - Residents of Detroit celebrated Forbes magazine naming their city "most miserable" by rampaging through the streets unsuccessfully seeking something not looted or destroyed to loot or destroy.
Ultimately, the only major damage reported was 64 Asian and 187 white individuals beaten/raped/robbed, thanks to a strong turnout by the city's remaining 49 police officers.
The DNC called the fact that Democrats govern 18 of the 20 cities "pretty much coincidental."
Soledad O'Brien Out At CNN
NEW YORK - CNN has announced Soledad O'Brien will be leaving their morning show. The anchor was known for reading Wikipedia while interviewing guests.
"We're going a different direction," said one producer. "The idea is to get someone intelligent that people want to watch."