Scooter's Report

she's back......

The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

Entertain Yourselves

A reader requested a blank thread so you could talk amongst yourselves while I screw off get drunk ponder my blogging future, so here you go. Enjoy!

Scooter peace out.

PS: For those of you who are socially retarded, you can just insult each other.

To my readers: I am taking a short break while I figure out whether I want to continue/change Scooter's Report, restart The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles, or start something new.

I truly appreciate your support and have really enjoyed your comments.

Thanks again for reading this moronic drivel!

The writer of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles & Scooter's Report

Most Israelis Support Using Nukes

Approximately 72 percent of Israelis support the use of nuclear weapons in certain circumstances, according to a Canadian survey released recently.

Israel also had the highest percentage in favor of the country using its "power and influence in a way that serves its own interests."

Most Iranians Support Building Public Bomb Shelters

TEHRAN, Iran - Approximately 96 percent of Iranians support the building of public bomb shelters as soon as possible, according to a survey released today.

In a possibly-related story, reports coming out of Tehran indicate mobs rioting at hardware stores over limited supplies of shovels.

Ahmadinejad and Chavez Get Closer

CARACAS, Venezuela - After being vilified during his U.N. visit this week, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traveled to Venezuela to meet his close friend and fellow America-hater, President Hugo Chavez.

"Together we are surely growing stronger, closer, more attuned to each other's feelings and needs, and in truth no one can defeat us," the Iranian leader said through an interpreter.

Chavez tenderly embraced the Iranian leader, calling him "one of the most daring and handsome anti-imperialist fighters" and "one of the spunkiest leaders for true peace."

Chavez said he was proud of Ahmadinejad's courage while under hostile questioning at New York's Columbia University. "An imperial spokesman tried to disrespect you, calling you a cruel little tyrant, which, while true, was extremely rude. You responded with the greatness of a revolutionary - strong yet sensitive, firm yet tender, petite yet well-muscled. I got chills."

Commentary: Sometimes you see two people just meant for each other, and it's a beautiful thing.

Edwards Attacks!

HANOVER, New Hampshire - Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards, a distant third place in most national polls and needing a breakthrough performance, led a blistering attack against Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) at Wednesday's Democrat debate on the campus of Dartmouth College.

Drawing on his skills as an accomplished personal injury attorney, Edwards accused Clinton of "deliberately facilitating a war that causes cruel and unnecessary physical and emotional distress on innocent individuals on both sides of the conflict." He then demanded Clinton pay one billion dollars "to cover the aforementioned pain and suffering plus reasonable legal expenses."

Sen. Clinton responded by grabbing her crotch and saying, "I've got your legal expenses right here, ambulance-chasing girly-boy," to peels of laughter from the audience and fellow candidate Barack Obama (D-IL).

Edwards than rushed Clinton, nearly trampling  the diminutive Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) in the process, before security staff were able to pull him away. After a brief intermission the debate resumed without Edwards, who was reportedly seen in the restroom feverishly working on his disheveled hair.

Commentary: Hillary showed who's got the stones with her vicious slap-down of Edwards. It's clearly over for him.

              Edwards attacks Clinton

Couric Explains Personal Politics

WASHINGTON DC - Speaking at the National Press Club Tuesday evening, CBS "Evening News" anchor Katie Couric pulled back the curtain on her personal views about the war in Iraq, the Bush Administration, and mindless patriotism.

Speaking of the Iraq war, the poised newswoman said, “I’ve never understood why [invading Iraq] was so high on the administration’s agenda when global warming and efforts to deny a woman's right to kill her unborn fetus are so much more threatening to our way of life."

Thanks to her many years reading teleprompters, Couric has become one of America's most intelligent sociopolitical/foreign policy experts, as well as an outspoken critic of the war. She traces her discomfort with the administration’s march to war back to the aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks.

“The whole culture of wearing those idiotic flags on our lapel and saying ‘we’ when referring to the United States made me very uncomfortable - like this awful country is better than any other. I hate that stupid flag and anybody who's proud just because he or she is an American. They're clueless morons."

Commentary: Katie Couric has certainly shown she deserves to be at the forefront of the mainline media, displaying the qualities needed to present today's stories in an unbiased, objective manner.

Iranians Condemn US Reception of Leader

TEHRAN, Iran - Iranians on Tuesday called the combative introduction of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by the head of Columbia University "shameful."

In a region where the tradition of hospitality outweighs personal opinions about people, many here thought Columbia University President Lee Bollinger's aggressive tone—including telling Ahmadinejad that he resembled "a constipated shrew in a cheap suit," —was over the top.

The chancellors of seven Iranian universities issued a letter on Tuesday to Bollinger saying his statements were "deeply shameful" and invited him to Iran. "You sh*t all over our country's leader, which just proves how vicious Americans are. When you come over here we'll saw your filthy head off with a butter knife," states the letter.

Commentary: Bollinger did impugn the Iranian president, and probably does deserve to get his head hacked off.

Pres. Ahmadinejad searching for the truth

Ahmodijang Arrives for New York Visit

NEW YORK - Iranian President Macmoodi Ahmedijeng arrived in the United States Sunday. Later, paparazzi caught the Iranian president enjoying a evening out on the town with an unidentified woman.

McMoudijan is scheduled to address the United Nations on Tuesday after a planned controversial appearance at Columbia University Monday afternoon.

Hillary Clinton: I'm "Somewhat" Lesbian!

WASHINGTON DC - During an interview with The Advocate to be published next week, Sean Kennedy, the gay magazine's news and features editor, asked the presidential candidate, "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"

People say a lot of things about me, so I really don't pay any attention to it," Sen. Clinton (D-N.Y.) replied. "But to be totally honest, every time I have relations with my husband I figure I'm having sex with at least 30 to 50 women by proxy, so technically I guess I am, somewhat."

Commentary: While this is indeed shocking, I have a feeling this is just pandering to the gay/lesbian voting bloc.

Iran Draws Up Plans to Bomb Israel

TEHRAN,Iran - The deputy commander of Iran's air force said Wednesday that plans have been drawn up to bomb Israel if the Jewish state attacks Iran, according to the semi-official Fars news agency.

"We have drawn up a plan to strike back at Israel with our bomber if this regime (Israel) makes a silly mistake," deputy air force chief, said Gen. Mohammad Alavi.

Israel responded by painting a 100-foot bullseye on the roof of their largest aircraft hanger, and sending the Iranian Air Force a map of its location and an obscene cartoon of the Prophet Mohammad.

             Iranian Bomber Wing

Jesse Jackson Says Obama Acting Too White

SOUTH CAROLINA - On a statewide tour to register new voters, Rev. Jesse Jackson sharply criticized presidential hopeful and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama for “acting like he’s white.”

Later, at a Detroit inner-city campaign stop, Obama wowed the mostly black crowd when he performed a three minute freestyle rap dressed in a shimmering green pimp suit and copious amounts of dazzling bling. When asked if Jackson's remarks had prompted the candidate's new look, Obama simply and eloquently responded, "Word, Honky."

Spector Jury Deadlocked

LOS ANGELES - On their seventh day of deliberations, jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial indicated they had reached an impasse after nearly 32 hours of discussions in a trial that produced 77 witnesses, all testifying the little weirdo had pointed guns at them.

In order to avoid a mistrial, the jury has been asked to consider whether Spector might be guilty of the lesser misdemeaner charge of "accidental bullet misplacement."

             Obama                                     Spector

Spears to Lose Temporary Custody of Kids

LOS ANGELES — Britney Spears will temporarily lose custody of her two toddler sons to ex-husband and hip-hop legend Kevin Federline, my sources tell me.

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys turned over to Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spear's excessive nudity, alcohol/drug abuse, and general skankiness.

More on this as it develops.

O.J. Arrested

LAS VEGAS - Plainclothes officers arrested O.J. Simpson on charges connected with what police described as a robbery at a Las Vegas hotel. A judge ordered Simpson be held without bail, and a court date was set for Thursday.

The seven felonies Simpson was charged with all revolve around the use of firearms, something Simpson strongly denied when questioned by reporters while being arrested: "Firearms? That's (expletive) ridiculous, everyone knows I'm a knife man."

Madonna: "I'm an Ambassador for Judaism"

JERUSALEM - Madonna toasted the Jewish new year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism," local newspapers reported Sunday.

Madonna met Peres at his official Jerusalem residence on Saturday evening and the two exchanged gifts, with Madonna giving Peres an autographed copy of her book "Sex," which depicts the singer engaging in numerous sex acts with various men, women, and objects.

In an unrelated story, tens of thousands of Jews have applied for membership in various Christian churches in the the region, resulting in a serious shortage of communion wafers.

Sally Field Censored at Emmy's

LOS ANGELES -  Accepting her Emmy on Sunday night for lead actress in a drama series, Field stumbled halfway through, lost her train of thought, broke wind, screeched at the audience to stop applauding so she could finish talking, and then was bleeped by censors as she stammered through an expletive-filled anti-war rant like a retarded crack addict.

"And, let's face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no (expletive) wars in the first place," Field said. Later when asked backstage why there would be no wars if mothers ruled the world, the feisty actress replied, "Because we don't know how to operate things like machine guns and bombers, you (expletive) moron."

O.J. Questioned In Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - O.J. Simpson has been questioned after someone alleged that he was involved in a theft at Palace Station casino. Police say the former NFL star, who was in town for a friend's wedding, is a suspect in the reported break-in.

O.J. Simpson has told The Associated Press he took memorabilia that belonged to him from a casino hotel, but didn't break into the room.

Bloodbath at Casino Hotel!

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - In a non-related incident, police are investigating the bloody murder of two people at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino.

The victims, both of whom were brutally stabbed, were reported to be a sports memorabilia dealer and a hotel employee who was returning the man's sunglasses - most likely an innocent victim who happened upon the crime, according to investigators. More on this as it develops.

Democrat Leaders Unhappy With Proposed Troop Reduction

WASHINGTON - Senate Democratic leaders Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nv) and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) on Wednesday rejected the call by the top U.S. general in Iraq to send 30,000 U.S. troops home by next summer, saying it does not go far enough.

"This is unacceptable to me, it's unacceptable to Democrats, it's unacceptable to the Al Qaeda freedom fighters," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). "Our army was defeated months ago, why leave any of them in Iraq when they could be rebuilding New Orleans?"

Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) called the drawdown "a ridiculous ploy to move army people around at great expense." The feisty politician added, "That money could be better used to slow global warming or feed North Koreans."

Commentary: This is obviously an administration move to give the Democrats what they've been asking for, but on the wrong schedule, just to piss them off.

Spears Disappoints?

Las Vegas, NV - Britney Spears made her much-anticipated return to the stage Sunday night at the MTV Music Awards, but some said the pop star has lost some of her luster, while gaining a good amount of something not luster.

Commentary: I thought she looked and sounded hot. Here's the goods:

Petraeus Report, Dems Cry Foul

WASHINGTON  - In long-awaited testimony, Gen. David Petraeus told Congress on Monday last winter's buildup of U.S. troops had met its military objectives "in large measure." As a result, he told a congressional hearing and a nationwide television audience, "I believe that we will be able to reduce our forces to the pre-surge level ... by next summer without jeopardizing the security gains we have fought so hard to achieve."

Several hours before the report, Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev) released a statement saying "After hearing this report, I am convinced Gen. Petraeus is a lier. I know for certain we have lost the war in Iraq, as well as several others. I've become a Muslim"

Reid's opinion was echoed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) who told reporters "Petraeus is a filthy lier and baby killer. We have been defeated and need to accept that fact. Allahu Akbar."

Commentary: This debate is obviously not over.

Democrats Hold First Ever Latino Forum

CORAL GABLES, Fla. -The first presidential forum to be conducted in Spanish was held Sunday night. Questions asked dealt with a range of issues of interest to Latino voters, from health-care to immigration.

Afterward, some conservative analysts criticized the forum, calling it "overt pandering in the worst way." They cited as examples the Democrat candidates' expressed support for amnesty, free health care, and a new Dodge pickup truck for every illegal immigrant, as well as Barack Obama's proposal to construct lighted footpaths through Arizona and California's southern deserts.

Singled out for special criticism was the Latino-flavored attire of the candidates, although analysts claim some of the outfits may have done more harm than good in reaching the intended audience.

Bin Laden Back!

A new tape has surfaced reportedly showing Osama Bin Laden taunting the U.S.

Although this is the first publicly released tape since 2004 showing Bin Laden, there have been numerous unsubstantuated sightings of the elusive terrorist over the last few years, despite our government's intensive efforts to track him down. Here's just a few:

Kucinich Visits Syria, Blasts US

US Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), on a Mideast visit that included a stop in Syria, said he won't visit Iraq on his trip to the region because he considers the US military deployment there illegal.

"I feel the United States is engaging in an illegal occupation ... I don't want to bless that occupation with my presence," he said in an interview, although insiders say the real reason was because of the very real possibility US troops would fire upon the leftist candidate.

Kucinich met with Syrian President Bashar Assad during his visit to Damascus. He said Assad was receptive to his ideas of "strength through peace, peace through defeating America."

Assad later told reporters he enjoyed his two minute meeting with Kucinich: "Mr. Kuznichie would make a great President and ally, it's too bad he doesn't have a chance in Hell."

        Kucinich and Assad

Craig Reconsiders Decision to Resign

BOISE, Idaho - One of Sen. Larry Craig's lawyers said Wednesday the Senate has no business looking into the conduct of one of its own following Craig's guilty plea in connection with an airport men's room sex sting.

"We ought to seek to have the committee dismiss this outright," Washington attorney Stan Brand said of a Senate ethics panel's investigation. "Whatever homo restroom shenanigans Craig was participating in has no bearing on his office," said Brand on NBC's "Today" show.

Craig says he may still fight for his Senate seat, a spokesman says - if the lawmaker can clear his name with the Senate ethics panel and a Minnesota court.

Senator Craig

                                       _______________________________

Book Claims Stern and Birkhead Were Lovers

An explosive tell-all book about Anna Nicole Smith's sad demise alleges the two men who battled for custody of her baby girl and control of her fortune were gay lovers.

Sordid passages in the soon-to-be released book by former MSNBC journalist Rita Cosby describe how Anna Nicole and her friend allegedly caught Stern, Birkhead, and an unidentified third man cavorting in their underwear in a Los Angeles home.

More on this as it develops.

        Birkhead, unidentified, Stern

Human-Animal Embryo Study Wins Approval

LONDON - Plans to allow British scientists to create human-animal embryos are expected to be approved tomorrow by the government's fertility regulator.

Researchers want to create hybrid embryos by merging human cells with animal eggs, in the hope they will be able to extract valuable embryonic stem cells from them. Many believe the resulting creatures would make great pets, as long as they don't manifest aggressive tendencies.

Researchers provided Scooter's Report with a rendition of the proposed creature:

Iran's Ahmadinejad has 'proof' US won't attack

TEHRAN - In a speech to academics, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his confidence the United States will not attack Iran is based on proof that comes from his mathematical skills as an engineer and faith in Allah.

"I told them I am an engineer and I am examining the issue. They do not dare wage war against us and I base this on a double proof," he said in the speech on Sunday. "For hours, I write out different hypotheses. I reject, I reason. I reason with planning and I make a conclusion. They cannot make problems for Iran.'"

President Ahmadinejad then displayed the results of his calculations, drawing enthusiastic applause from the audience. Many who saw the calculations voiced relief that the U.S. would not attack. One scientist said, "I have seen the proof, and know that it is completely impossible for the U.S. to attack our country. We tell Bush to bite us."

Commentary: I also have a scientific background, and after carefully examining the proof I have to concur that it is scientifically impossible for the U.S. to attack Iran. We are, in fact, at their mercy.

Harry Reid All About Compromise

LAS VEGAS - Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said he is now willing to compromise on his demand U.S. military forces withdraw from Iraq this spring.

Reid acknowledged that his previous firm demand for a spring withdrawal deadline had become an obstacle for the few Republicans who had also embraced defeat. "I don't think we have to think that our way is the only way," Reid said of specific dates during an interview in his office here. "I'm now proposing we surrender but leave the troops over there for awhile. It's a win-win for both political camps."

Sen. Dick Lugar, one of the Republicans calling for retreat, voiced cautious support for Reid's proposal: "I love the idea of surrender, but would want assurances our troops would not be required to leave on any particular date."

Commentary: There is clearly a new spirit of non-partisan cooperation in our government, and it's a beautiful thing.