Scooter's Report

Property Values Plummet In Iran, Moscow, California

Happy Monday, reader(s), let's see what's going on in the headlines:

• Biden To Israel: Do What You Will With Iran

Evidently Barry got his panties in a bunch when his BFF (Begging For Forgiveness) tour through the Mid East resulted in little more than Iran giving him the finger, so he's suddenly got no problem with the Jews blowing the crap out of that God-forsaken Islamic litter box. I have a feeling real estate values are about to drop in Tehran...

• Obamas Travel To Russia

Headline in today's Pravda: "There goes the neighborhood - Marxists Back In Kremlin."
Secondary headline: "Sasquatch Reportedly Seen In Vicinity Of Visiting U.S. President."

• Hundreds Of Thousands Flocking To LA For Jackson Funeral

Los Angeles Officials are expecting up to a million Michael Jackson fans at tomorrow's ceremonies. A travel advisory for boys ten years-old and younger is in effect for all of Southern California until Wednesday.

As soon as I can find my sequined glove, Pepe, Peace, and myself are heading out to L.A. to cover the most important event in the history of the world - check back for my firsthand report.

 

 

Moscow Sasquatch photo / enhanced

How Far We've Come

Happy Independence Day!

We celebrate those brave men and women of faith who built this country upon a foundation of God, freedom, and personal achievement.....

and bemoan those who have inherited this country and destroyed those foundations.

 

Let's Party!

Happy 4th of July weekend, reader(s)!

My friend Pepe, my blistering-hot new girlfriend, Sissy, and myself are in full-on 4th of July party mode!

Not only do we have enough margarita supplies to last well into next week, but also piles of delicious party food, Twister, a Water Wiggle, a bunch of rental movies, and best of all, a YOOGE firecracker Pepe got from one of his cousins in Mexico!

You see, Pepe's cousin Hector has a fireworks manufacturing plant in his basement, and when Pepe asked for the biggest firecracker $25 and naked pictures of his sister would buy, Hector delivered in spades. The hardest part was getting it into the country, which turned out to not be very hard at all.

Anyway, we're going to have some serious fun this weekend, and hope you do to!

Sissy strikes a hot pose on our big firecracker

Stimulus Dies, Honduras Defies, Supporter Cries

Good morning reader(s). Let's check out the headlines:

• Where's The Stimulus? Unemployment Rises

Employers in the U.S. cut 467,000 jobs in June and hourly earnings stagnated, offering little evidence the Obama administration’s stimulus package is working.

Holy cow, you mean spending billions analyzing cow farts and designing some windmills didn't put the country back to work? To say this is shocking would be an understatement.

• Honduras Leaders Defy Obama Pressure To Reinstate Leftist

A statement drafted by the Honduran Congress says in part, "The fact Barack Obama, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, and Fidel Castro all support the socialist dickhead we ousted verifies we made the right decision. Bite us, commies, go f*ck yourselves."

Wow, those Hondurans are a feisty bunch of capitalists, perhaps a little over-caffeinated. Remind me to never try to set up a welfare state down there!

• Obama Hugs Woman At Healthcare Pitch, Steals Purse

At a pre-packaged townhall meeting in Virginia this week, President Obama hugged a woman who tearfully claimed she couldn't get medical care. Later the woman, Debby Smith, an Obama volunteer, angrily told reporters the President had stolen her purse during the hug. "That wasn't part of the deal, I want my f*cking purse back, plus what he owes me for the hug."

So NOW she's against redistribution of wealth? Sorry, sister, you helped get this socialist crackhead elected - take an aspirin and get a job.

Wow, being this snarky this early really makes me thirsty - margarita anyone?

Not scripted - Obama steals purse from supporter

Leftist Pinheads On Parade

Hello reader(s), let's see what's happening in today's headlines:

• Franken Declared Senate Winner

This will improve our country: A Godless, profane idiot whose biggest life accomplishments are being a failed comedy writer and bankrupting the only major liberal radio network in the country with his retarded political dialog, steals a U.S. Senate seat. "Fail" personified.

• Obama Supports Ousted Leftist Honduras President

Let's see, ousted Honduras President Manuel Zelaya is a radical leftist with strong ties to Venezuelan doucherocket Hugo Chavez, is reportedly funneling tons of cocaine into his country for delivery to the U.S., and was in the process of dicking around with his country's constitution so he could run for office forever - no wonder Barry likes this guy, they're kindred spirits.

• Rev. Al Sharpton Grinds At Jackson Memorial

While this may not qualify as news, it's not very often you see a "Man of God" giving a Holy invocation one minute, then rubbing his junk against estranged women onstage in acts of wanton public humping the next. The fact he had no pants on somehow made it seem all the more wrong.

OK, pinhead steals office, pinhead supports pinhead removed from office, Rev. pinhead humps pinhead onstage - I guess that's it, let's have some margaritas!

Rev. Sharpton reaching out to the lost

Liberal Reader Comments!

Hello readers. Just as I was trying to figure out which Obama disasters to report on today, I received these fairly typical comments from one of our many liberal readers. I enjoyed it so much, I thought I'd share - enjoy!

______________________________________________

Hi Scooter Van Neuter,

RUSH'S OXY DEALER (killtecons@yahoo.com) has left you a comment:

Stupid conservative fagot

Jesus loves me

Jesus will never forgive terrorist cnservatives

You murderous fagot
YOU MURDEROUS, TERRORIST, CHICKENHAWK FAGOT DITTO HEAD

JESUS WAS A SOCIALIST

YOU ARE A SINNER
A CAPITALIST PIG

I WANT TO SLICE YOU WIDE OPEN AND BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD
YOUR AN ENEMY OF AMERICA
YOUR AN ENEMY OF JESUS

______________________________________________

Because the commenter's email address above is bogus, I'll just reply here:

Dear RUSH'S OXY DEALER, Thank you for reading and supporting Scooter's Report. We always enjoy receiving comments from our liberal friends, as they remind us just how normal and well-adjusted we really are. Seriously, thank you.

Your particular comments are especially entertaining as you are obviously not only mentally unbalanced, but also retarded, drunk, or high (or a combination thereof) - a very volatile combination to be sure, but one that makes for some great correspondence! Whatever your unfortunate situation, please know we had a great laugh reading your comments (laughing with you, not at you) ;)

Anyway, just so you don't think we're cruel, here's some suggestions on things you can do to improve yourself (you can't get this kind of help from your liberal friends):

• First, please get whatever psychiatric help/medication needed to rid yourself of your cravings to hurt yourself and others. (If this doesn't help, see the last suggestion, below)
  

• Get your GED so you can learn to spell, then......
  

• Get a job for God's sake. People like myself don't mind helping those truly in need, but hate supporting the lazy/crackheads/boozers, etc.

• After you get that job, move out of your mom's basement and get your own place - she deserves a life, too.

• Quit using drugs! This is important; you'll never keep a job with that nasty meth/crack/airplane glue/cough syrup habit.

• See a priest. Extremely important! Judging by some of your comments, you may very well be possessed by demons (very counterproductive in the workplace!) Note: Maybe you should do this step earlier than later.

I hope this helps you. With Barry's socialist plans in full swing, there's going to be a lot more people like you living off of hard working God-fearing conservatives like us - you really need to aspire to something better. Follow the steps we've laid out for you above, and you just may have a chance at a normal life.

Best of luck!

  

Madoff, Moron, Mays, Michael

Good morning, reader(s). Let's scope the headlines:

• Madoff Sentenced To 150 Years

Having lost over three billion dollars myself in this scam, I was allowed to speak this morning at the sentencing. In an emotional plea, I asked that Bernard Madoff be skinned like a catfish with a dull butter knife, then basted with rubbing alcohol for 37 years while being forced to watch a never-ending loop of "Gigli." I think the judge was with me up to the Gigli part.

• High Court Overturns (Another) Sotomayor Decision

Yeah, that's exactly the caliber of individual we want making non-reversible decisions in our highest court for the next 30 years. The fact she looks like Jabba the Hutt doesn't help, either.

• Pitchman Billy Mays Dead

The 50 year-old Mays likely died from heart disease, not choking on Mighty Putty as one rumor suggested (Pepe, you SUCK).

• Michael Jackson Update

Well-placed sources report that the "King of Pop" has shown marked improvement over the last 24 hours, but is still dead. We will continue to monitor this situation and bring you updates as needed.

OK, I'm depressed now. Fortunately it's nothing a peach margarita can't fix:)

        Madoff punishment: Too much? / Judge Sonia Sotomayor

Remembering The King

Written by Van Neuter friend and colleague, Peace Moonbeam.

When I heard the news on the radio that Michael Jackson had died, I immediately raced to Scooter's house.

You see, Scooter once spent a week living on the sidewalk outside of a Berkeley record store to be the first to buy Jackson's "Thriller" album. He knows every word to every song Michael Jackson ever recorded, including the sucky ones. Scooter spent over $6,000 to buy Michael's sequined glove on eBay (it turned out to be an Isotoner woman's glove spray painted silver, but he cherishes it just the same). Scooter knows all of MJ's dance moves, but unfortunately when he does them, his lack of rhythm coupled with his poor motor control combine to produce something that looks like a retarded Michael Jackson being electrocuted.

Anyway, I think you get the idea; Scooter Van Neuter is MJ's biggest fan.

Arriving at Scooter's place, I knew it was bad before I even got to the front door. Over the strains of "You Are Not Alone" I could hear Scooter inside alternately sobbing, singing along, and apparently talking to someone. I entered into the music-filled dark living room illuminated only by a few candles. As my eyes slowly adjusted, I found an obviously drunk Scooter sitting on the couch dressed in one of his MJ outfits and groping his little ventriloquist dummy, "Donnie." Oh, good God.

I've seen some weird things in my life, but that scene is seared into my memory forever. As for Scooter, his overwhelming grief and desire to be close to Michael Jackson caused him to almost become his idol, and I guess that's OK, at least to a certain point.

All I can say is I'm glad Donnie doesn't have an attorney.

"Wrong on so many levels.."

Proof Barack Obama Is The Antichrist!

Good day, reader(s).

After much study, soul searching, fervent prayer, and too many margaritas to count, I've come to the shocking conclusion that Barack Obama is the Antichrist.

Yes, I realize this revelation is highly controversial, but I've come up with 12 irrefutable facts that provide overwhelming proof:

1. Barack Obama looks incredibly evil in some photographs.
2. Some White House insiders have seen smoke COMING OUT OF OBAMA'S MOUTH AND NOSE.
3. Some photos of a young Barry Soetoro clearly show a mark on his forehead that resembles "666."
4. Michelle Obama looks incredibly evil in some photographs - she's obviously the False Prophet or something similar.
5. Everybody loves him, for absolutely no discernible reason.
6. All his friends are evil, not to mention his key Democrat allies.
7. Nobody knows where he's from. Barack's grandmother said "Kenya" (shortly before she died of "natural causes" - right), he says "Hawaii", but some very respectable sources on the internet say he's either from Hell, or some alien culture from another dimension- either way we're hosed.
8. Without the aid of machines, he's unable to communicate like a normal human being.
9. The "church" he attended was run by an evil, hate-spewing douchebag.
10. I'm still working on this one.
11. I'm still working on this one.
12. I'm still working on this one.

I don't mind telling you, since I've figured this out all I can do is watch TBN and drink margaritas. Now I must tell the world.

 

Obama Confuses Iran, Cuddles Media

Good morning reader(s). Let's check out today's headlines:

• Obama Condemns Violence Against Iran Protesters

Evidently Barry received the spine and testicles I sent, and not a moment too soon. Unfortunately according to one of my White House insiders, Michelle confiscated the balls for her collection.

• Obama Invites Iranian Diplomats To July Fourth Festivities

Obviously this happened after Michelle took his balls.

• White House and Huffington Post Conspire to Stage Question

I'm sorry, I just can't believe a major media outlet would conspire with the White House to manipulate news in order to advance the President's agenda. I'm sure this story is false.

• ABC News Broadcasting From White House All Day

Oh crap, is it too late to change my above comments?

 

Fluff!

Good morning, reader(s). The world is spiraling into the karmic crapper, teetering on the brink of all-out war, and plumbing the fetid depths of economic calamity. Here's some fluff!

• Perez Hilton Punched By Band Manager

The only thing that would have made this story better would be if (former) Miss California had been the one who administered the savage beatdown to this Godless rump-riding gasbag. In a related side note, the Black Eyed Peas are my new favorite band!

• Tattoo Disaster!
  

After seeing the cool stars that one chick got on her face (and drinking 17 peach margaritas), I decided to get 56 little stars tattooed on one side of my face, figuring it would give me an "edgy" vibe that would make me stand out from all the other bloggers. Unfortunately, I fell asleep in the chair and when I woke up was horrified to see that the artist (Pepe's cousin, Juan) had taken "artistic liberties" with the design. Oh well, I guess that's what makeup is for....

• My New Girlfriend

The above story didn't turn out all bad; I immediately scored an extremely hot new girlfriend, Sassy, at the tattoo parlor! The good news is that Sassy is a professional fortune teller, the bad news is that the reading she gave me at her place later indicated I would soon suffer a near-death experience by being "smothered or crushed." Whew, good thing I don't believe in that crap!

I've gotta get some margarita supplies for tonight's big date - see ya.

  

 An injured Perez Hilton sobs like a little girl  /  Me, my tattoo, and hot new girlfriend, Sassy

Obama Blasts Iranian Leaders

WASHINGTON (SR)- After days of relative silence concerning Iran's brutal suppression of citizens protesting the recent presidential elections there, today President Barack Obama spoke out in the strongest terms yet. Here's a portion of his speech:

While the United States is guilty of many, many transgressions against Iran and its leadership over the years and therefore in no position to criticize that great country, we also cannot stand idly by without commenting on events unfolding there.

Reports of scores of protesting Iranians being beat and killed demand a clear and purposeful response.  As President of the United States, it is not my intention to meddle in Iran's internal affairs, but my office requires that I honestly convey the feelings of the American people to the leadership of Iran, and I will not hesitate to do so.

To the people of Iran: I want you to know that I will continue to monitor events taking place in your country, and have ordered my administration to do everything possible to facilitate this monitoring.

My comments: Holy verbal beatdown, Barry absolutely blasted Khomeinie and Ahmadinejad with both barrels! Let's pray this dangerous provocation doesn't lead to war!

Hey, who wants a margarita?

 

 

President Obama unloads on Iranian leadership

Boxer, Jong-il, Khamenei: Megalomaniacs In The News

TGIF reader(s). Here's some quick headlines while I wait for Pepe to get back from the store with margarita supplies:

• Barbara Boxer Disses Brigadier General

Listen here, you Godless, elitist, pompous, public parasite: I don't care that you are a California liberal noted for hating our nation's military, you damn well better show some respect when addressing this man who has done as much to build and protect our country as you have to destroy it. Props to General Walsh for not flying across the table and slapping the unholy snot out of this arrogant waste of skin.

• Military Fortifies Hawaii Against Foreign Threat

While this Korean missile isn't nearly as serious a threat to our country as the one that landed in Hawaii in the early 70s, it's still worthy of a show of defensive force, I guess.

• Iran Supreme Leader Orders Stop To Protests

In response, 800,000 protesters respectfully requested the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and (pretend) President Ahmadinajad come out to personally discuss the whole thing. Outside of a reported delivery of adult diapers to the leader's compound, there has been no sign of activity or a response to the request.    

Wow, I sure wouldn't want to be those guys. Somebody call Bermuda and see if they've got room for two more!

OK, Pepe's back with the margarita stuff. Ciao, baby!

No Good Deed

Good morning reader(s).

Demonstrating that no good deed goes unpunished, I was incredibly disappointed by the response I received from one of the Democrat politicians I sent a present to yesterday. 

It's sad when you try to do a good thing simply for the sake of making another person happy, but because his or her own heart is so dark and bitter, the recipient of the unselfish gesture is compelled to see it as something sinister. Sad.

What I'm referring to is this reply I received this morning from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in regards to the great shirt I so graciously made and sent her:

Dear Mr. Van Neuter,

How clever you must think you are, sending me that shirt.

Either you are extremely ignorant of my position of power (Third from the Presidency) relative to your own (which is none), or are simply disrespectful. Because you are a self-avowed conservative (spit), I would assume it is the latter, despite the accompanying letter proclaiming this gift to be one of "friendship" (spit spit).

I wasn't born yesterday, Scooter (if that's your real name, and if it is, your mom hated you), and I WILL NOT BE MADE SPORT OF BY THE LIKES OF YOU.

I hereby demand you make amends for this twisted attempt to ridicule me by immediately sending me a letter of profound apology, and a shirt in my proper size which IS NOT LARGE, IT IS MEDIUM, you WORTHLESS LITTLE PUKE.

Sincerely,

Nancy Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

PS: Also please send me one in white if you have it.

You know, I would have sent her a medium if she would have asked nice, but now you better bet this commie b*tch is getting an XXL that I've wiped my butt on. 

Putting Politics Aside

Good morning reader(s).

While having quite a few margaritas last night, I was unexpectedly overcome by feelings of bipartisanship and Christian charity. I believe that we are all brothers and sisters, regardless of political affiliation, and should regularly reach out to one another in a spirit of kinship and love.

As an example of this spirit, instead of criticizing President Obama or other prominent liberals today, I am sending each of them a gift I personally designed and made with my own hands.

Yes, the beautiful shirts I came up with do promote the Democratic Party, but that's the whole idea, to give my political adversaries something of value, even if that means going against my own interests - that's true charity, the kind Jesus taught.

On this day I proudly proclaim that whether Democrat or Republican, we are all united in our humanity. To President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barney Frank, and others, please wear these shirts in public with the knowledge this conservative truly cares about your well-being.

UPDATE! - Democrat response

To Democrats with love: my gift

Obama Mum, Booed, Icon / Tragedy In The Middle East

Hello reader(s)! It's a beautiful day here at the tranquil and luxurious Van Neuter estate, not so elsewhere:

• Iran In Turmoil, Obama Silent.

On the heels of his butt-kissing/begging for forgiveness tour through the Mid East a few weeks ago, B. Hussein evidently doesn't want to show favoritism toward the Iranian moderates giving their lives to unseat the crazed radical clerics and hardliners bent on destroying us and Israel. The good news is that students in Tehran are reportedly taking up a collection to buy Barry some balls and a spine.

• AMA Audience Boos Obama.

Let's see, Barry starts by telling these doctors he's not supporting legislation to limit frivolous malpractice suits (he's in the bag for the ambulance-chasing lawyers), then proceeds to warn them against ever-increasing healthcare costs(!?) Are you kidding me? My Cocker Spaniel has better cause-and-effect reasoning than this clueless ex-crackhead, and the doctors weren't buying it.

• Breaking: Jimmy Carter Narrowly Avoids Roadside Bomb In Middle East.

Suffice it to say, this very well may be the first known incident of Israelis planting roadside bombs. I'm not going to say I hope they get better at it, as this would no doubt make you think even less of me, if that were possible.

• Fashion Designers Honor Michelle Obama as "Fashion Icon."
  

Receiving the Fashion Icon runner-up award was last year's winner, Sasquatch.

On that "up" note, what say we have some margaritas?

 

UK Pissed, North Korea And Joe Biden Simply Mad

Hello reader(s). It's Monday and I don't know whether to kill myself or report the news. Here's the news, I guess:

• Obama Ships Prisoners To Bermuda, UK Pissed. The Obama administration released four Guantanamo prisoners into the British colony of Bermuda without saying a word to our oldest and closest ally.

That sounds about right. How much longer before the UK starts idolizing Barry in the same fashion as our other (former) ally, Israel? I have a feeling they're starting to get it....

• North Korea Warns Of Nuclear War.

Listen, you hideous Godless little troll; either make your move or SHUT THE HELL UP - we've got enough worries with our own megalomaniac leader destroying the U.S. to listen to a little attention-whore like you. Go away.

• Vice President Joe Biden: "Everyone Guessed Wrong On Stimulus."

No, Joe, "everyone" wasn't responsible for that festering, bloated, orgy of deficit spending masqueraded as "stimulus" - that would be YOU and your idiot Marxist leader, Barry Obama. Way to go, Einsteins!

OK, that's enough, I've got a headache now. I need a margarita.

 

 

A Revelation: Liberals Suck!

I'm not sure where to start.

Yesterday my new best friend, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, took me, my girlfriend Misty, and former best friend Pepe to the annual Gay Pride Gala in San Luis Obispo. Barney (who insists on being called "The Big Frankfurter") picked us up in a YOOGE limo with a fully stocked bar and everything. We all did shots on the way to the event, at least until Misty threw up all over the beautiful real crystal decanters.

Once at the Gala, we soon realized just how popular The Big Frankfurter (TBF) is in this part of the country. Everybody recognized him and mobbed our every step. Pepe said it was just like being out with Bon Jovi, if Bon Jovi was an old, fat, gay guy with a speech impediment.

Misty, although no celebrity, for some reason also drew a lot of attention, mainly from the multitudes of women, semi-women, and soon-to-be women in attendance. Luckily, with the exception of TBF constantly trying to put his arm around us, Pepe and I were pretty much left alone, probably thanks to Pepe's "I (heart) big t*ts" tee shirt.

Then in the middle of everything it happened: At approximately 3:34 PM, I experienced a moment of clarity like none I've ever had.

Somewhere in the midst of (a) Losing my hot new girlfriend to some chick who looked like "Larry the Cable Guy," (b) Watching Pepe get ejected for his "offensive" shirt by two guys dressed only in sequined jock straps and angel wings, (c) Having to remove TBF's hand from my butt like a hundred times, and (d) Walking by booths for The Communist Party USA, NARAL, Sodomites For A Better Tomorrow, Code Pink, ACLU, Rump Riders Educational Network, and ACORN, to name just a few, it all of a sudden hit me:

LIBERALS ARE ABSOLUTELY FRIGGING DISGUSTING.

I'm sorry, but if being a conservative limits my friends and causes weirdos like these to hate me, I'm all for it. I turned and kicked Barney in the nuts, then tracked down Pepe and the two of us spent the rest of the day trying to pick up real chicks at a local sports bar. It felt good to be normal again.

 

 

Liberals gone wild: Misty leaves with her new girlfriend

Climate, Health Plan Opposition Heating Up

Good morning reader(s). My new best friend, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, is taking Misty, Pepe, and myself to the annual Gay Pride Gala in San Luis Obispo today, so I don't have time to chat. Here's some headlines:

• Climate Talks Between U.S. And China Unproductive.

Somewhere a lone polar bear floats out to sea on the tiny remnants of a once-massive glacier, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Until they come to an agreement, I'm personally boycotting all products from both of these countries - won't you join me?

• Carbon Cops To Enforce Climate Laws.

They're doing this in Australia and I think it's a great idea. A few severe beatings with a six-cell flashlight will convince almost anyone it's in his or her best interest to back off that thermostat. I've written a letter to President Obama suggesting our own ACORN workers could perform the same function here (yes, I just may be a genius).

• AMA Opposes Obama Health Plan.

While I'm not familiar with this group, I'm guessing it must be the Amateur Medical Alliance, and if so, I'm not surprised they object to professional politicians controlling the public's health care. Medicine is no place for amateurs, and you can quote me on that.

PS: Does anybody have these items for sale?: German/French/Japanese toilet paper, socks, mouthwash, lawn chair, toothbrush, margarita mix. Email me.

Climate crisis, amateur doctors applying heat

Frankly Fantastic!

Hello reader(s)! Yes, I'm in a great mood, and you would be too if you had partied last night with one of our country's most dynamic and powerful leaders, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank! Yes, you heard right, Barney just happened to be in town doing some political function with Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and I bumped into him last night at this hot club I've been frequenting.

Many of you know I've been somewhat critical of Congressman Frank's politics over the years, but after last night I now realize just how much affection this man has for this great country, and especially the "brave young men like (myself) who make the world go 'round" (his words, not mine!).

I can see why Barney's so popular on the Hill. For a big man he's incredibly tender, and he's got a great sense of humor that maybe doesn't show on TV (he must have a hundred racy wiener jokes just about his last name!). Barney's also an extremely giving person (you'd never know he's on a government salary) - If you don't believe me, check out the new Rolex and satin designer thong I'm wearing this morning!

Frankly, (hehe) I don't know how I could have been so suspicious and hateful of Democrats like Barney. It's almost like my restrictive conservative mindset couldn't look past their socialism, defeatism, lack of morality, Godlessness, etc. to see all the good inside their hearts - and that's my loss.

 

Democrats painting the town: Barney Frank and me