Scooter's Report

Hi peeps,

I am horribly depressed, as yesterday the stock market dropped faster than Bill Clinton's pants at a beauty pageant. In just a few hours, millions of American's retirement accounts were crippled by this collapse obviously caused by Bush's failed economic policies.

I have been analyzing market dynamics as they relate to these policies and will outline the cause and effect of same (market talk - for you who have little advanced economic and/or scientific training, you may want to stop reading here).

Cause and Effect of Bush Economic Policies by Scooter Van Neuter

• Bush stupidly lowers taxes.
• Our country receives in less money.
• Our country is forced to sell its stocks to pay its electric, water, gas, etc. bills.
• Due to this selling, the stock market tanks, wiping out average American's retirement savings.
• Not being able to retire, most people have little choice but to work for Halliburton and big oil companies for minimum wage, which makes Dick Cheney richer. Caring Democrats ease the suffering by raising minimum wage.
• Cheney gives substantial kickbacks to Bush for lowering taxes.
• Bush funnels kickback money to Saudis in return for them raising oil prices.
• Higher oil prices allow Bush to make even more money off of Iraqi oil he went to war to steal.
• Summation: Both Bush and Cheney are richer, you and I are poorer and ultimately forced to work for Cheney and his evil friends for peanuts.

Anyway, yesterday's market plunge really did some serious damage, and now I find myself worrying about my retirement. The good news is it could have been so much worse for me if I owned stocks - at least I'm not facing the prospect of being forced to work for that A-hole Cheney, thank God.

Scooter peace out.

 

Good morning peeps.

First of all, let me say how sorry I am for yesterday's post. I wasn't feeling well and unfortunately had an adverse reaction to medication I'm taking. Because of this I may have unintentionally written some things that were inappropriate, and if so, I apologize.

Let's cover some stories:

• Gore won an Oscar the other day for scaring the crap out of everybody who hasn't looked at the last 500 year history of the earth's climate. Good for him.
• Also on the subject of the Oscars and global warming; close friends of mine in attendance said the air was noticeably cooler and cleaner in the area due to all the stars driving those itty-bitty little hybrid cars to the event. It's so obvious we CAN make a difference, and that our Hollywood stars, as usual, will show us the way.
• Unfortunately, offsetting the reduced vehicle emissions at the event were the noticeably higher levels of greed, avarice, envy, pride, and desperation. My friends also noted a heavy stench of cigar, marijuana, and crack smoke, coupled with the out-gassing from all the bizarre fabrics and materials adorning The Beautiful. Climate-wise, it was probably a wash.
• Elsewhere, the world continues to go to Hell on a rocket sled, and nobody can find the brakes.

Scooter peace out.

goodmorn9ng peeps.

wHat causes  women to tortur men? why d othey hurt us? In my case ive been VERY nice to them and have evn taken 1 to olive Graden. It cost over $62,0o without tip wichis more than any woman ever spendt on me. How much more proof do you need that all women sukc? NONE

Ive been drincking since 6-00 this morning and frankly now I dont relly care that Blanch screwwed me over and cut teh crap out of me but I do hope she gets HIT BY A BUS. tjere are plenty of fish in the sea and girlfrnds on land and any time I want one I can have onee or more so you didnt hurt me BLanch YOU SKANKY POINTY BOOBD BITHC  .

Im ging to rest now and try to resist the urg togo kill that deseptive bithch

Scooterpeacotuj

Hey peeps.

I guess you can tell I'm not doing too good this morning, and you're probably guessing it has something to do with my big date last night with El Hcnalb. It does. Here's what happened:

I met girlfriend contest winner El Hcnalb in front of Olive Garden at exactly 7:30 PM. She was stunningly beautiful as always, her extremely curvy body undulating under her light blue burqa. I was looking pretty good myself, decked out in my Dockers, Tommy Hilfiger shirt, and lotsa bling. I gave her the simulated rose I had picked up at 7-11 and a Clark Bar. She gave me a Chapstick so I knew I was "golden" for some heavy lip action later!

Dinner was typical Olive Garden, which is to say PERFECT. First I ordered wine for us, a delightfully rare Zifandale. We ate unlimited salad and bread sticks until I was about to spew, then each had a delicious Chicken Alfredo that I made our waiter cover with lotsa extra parmajohn cheese. I was so taken with El Hcnalb that I even ordered desert, an awesome piece of cheesecake that was prepared pie-style, which I love. It was the best (and most expensive) dinner I've ever had, but it was worth every penny to be able to share it with a fox of this caliber.

After dinner, I had her follow me back to my place for a nightcap. As we settled on my couch with glasses of fine wine and snacks, I dared lean in for a kiss. I could almost feel her lips through the cloth as we came together in a passionate embrace. The heat we were generating was incredible as I struggled to not pass out from the excitement. As I passionately and tenderly dry-humped her, I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my chest! Looking down I saw two star-shaped pointy objects protruding through her torn burqa, impaled in my bloody chest! My squeals of terror echoed through the house.

In a state of shock, I drew back and yanked the burqa over her head to confirm what I had just figured out, "El Hcnalb" was in reality Blanch, the finalist I had disqualified! I ran to the bathroom and applied several Band-Aids to my wounds. While sitting on the floor weeping, I realized it all made sense - "Hcnalb" is Blanch spelled backwards! How could I be so stupid - the smell of cigarettes and gin, the sultry (raspy) voice, those wild curves - it had been so obvious! I angrily screamed for her to leave and curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor as cockroaches skittered across my tear-stained face.

I just woke up and have invited Pepe to come over and help me finish this box of wine. Oh, the pain, I must kill the pain....

Scooter peace out.

Happy Saturday, peeps!

Why do I sound so happy? Because tonight I combine two of my most favorite things in the world: The beautiful, sexy, and exotic El Hcnalb, and one of the finest restaurants anywhere, Olive Garden. BTW, El Hcnalb told me her name means "The Hot One" in Arab, like that would surprise me!

Okay, I've finished mapping my preparations for the big date tonight. Here's the remainder:

Saturday

7.  6:49 PM: Put on clothes and remember to not fart in them.

8.  6:56 PM: Apply copious amounts of bling: Fossil watch (the good one), HS class ring, real gold-plated ring with genuine simulated diamonds, "Scarface" pinkie ring, platinum-like neck chain with large Mercedes emblem, Diamond-looking ear stud set in real gold, and gold-tone ID bracelet (It says "Antonio", but I got it for less than half price and it looks HOT).

9.  7:00 PM: Bathroom - final touch up: Remove any hairs from soap, check toilet for unflushed matter, clean any fresh pee stains from rim/wall/ceiling, re-hang towel, hide athlete's foot, herpes, nail fungus, laxative, pinkeye, hemorrhoid, dandruff medicines/ointments, spray Glade "Ocean Breeze" air freshener liberally, kill bugs, especially behind toilet.

10.  7:08 PM:  Living room - final touch up: Clean up any fresh cat poop, spray Fabreeze, put away "those" magazines and Star Wars action figures, turn couch cushions over, look for/kill mouse in couch, kill remaining bugs.

11:  7:16 PM: Kitchen - final preparation: Clean up any fresh cat poop, open and stage Planter's Fancy Mixed Nuts, Ritz Crackers. Refrigerator - stage box of Franzio fine wine, Kraft Singles, cans of Reddi-Wip whipped cream :). Spray Glade "Pine Meadows" air freshener, especially in garbage can, kill bugs.

12.  7:20 PM: Leave house.

13:  7:24 PM: Stop at 7-11 and buy beautiful simulated single red rose in glass vase, Altoids.

14:  7:30 PM: Meet the alluring and seductive El Hcnalb at Olive Garden for the most wonderful night of our lives.

That's the plan and I'll stick to it with military precision (even though I hate the military, I really like its precision).

Wish me luck!

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

I have been preparing for my epic Saturday night date with the alluring and naughty El Hcnalb. I don't want anything to not be perfect so I am scripting every moment of the evening, starting at 4:30 PM. Here's what I've got so far:

Saturday

1. 4:30 PM: Car - clean thoroughly, including finding and removing cat poop under seat, pre-set romantic radio stations, hang new pine tree air freshener from mirror, attempt to re-glue passenger armrest, kill bugs.
2. 5:00 PM: Pick up house, clean/paint/replace toilet, bail/unclog bathroom sink, scrape up hairs in bathtub and throw away, clean pee stains from wall and ceiling, buy clean towel and hang neatly, kill bugs.
3. 5:38 PM: Make bed with clean sheets, change clock radio to romantic station, spray Fabreeze everywhere, especially where cat pooped/peed, place one red rose on pillow, along with delicious chocolate bunny left over from last Easter, stock a bottle of fine wine in sock drawer w/two glasses, kill bugs.
4. 6:01 PM: Lay out clothes, iron shirt (if needed), apply Brut cologne to thong underwear.
5. 6:06 PM: Remove rest of cat poop from left shoe bottom, polish both shoes and buff to a high luster with lots of spit.
6. 6:17 PM: Shower thoroughly with Dial soap, shampoo hair with Herbal Essence, then condition with V05, towel dry entire body with the clean towel, apply Mennen Speed Stick underarm deodorant to all sweaty areas, brush teeth or chew piece of gum, check nose for renegade boogers, style and gel hair, then hairspray to appropriate hardness, Visine eyes if red after hair-spraying, liberally apply Brut cologne, especially to naughty zones.

Tomorrow, the final preparations for the biggest night of my life.

Scooter peace out.

Hello faithful reader peeps.

Many of you continue to email me with requests for Anna Nicole Smith updates, so here you go:

Latest reports describe her as much more coherent than in past months (years?), so that's a good sign. While some give credit to the Trimspa, others attribute it to plenty of rest and reduced alcohol consumption. Whatever it is, it's working.

We'll continue to monitor her condition and update you of any changes.

Here's all the news worth reporting:

• American Idol judge Simon Cowell and show emcee Ryan Seacrest got pissy with each other during Tuesday's show. For a few tense moments everything in the world came to a complete stop until a commercial break thankfully brought the hairy showdown to an end. Scary and wild!
• This just in: Wednesday's show was normal.

That's about it for today. I've got to start planning my upcoming yooge date with my new main squeeze, the exotic and sensual El Hcnalb. I'll fill you in on the exciting details later.

Scooter peace out.

"More coherent"

Good morning peeps.

If you wonder why I sound so tired, it's because I was up really late having steamy phone sex with my exotic new girlfriend, El Hcnalb. What started out as a normal "Hi, what did you do today?" call soon morphed into one of the steamiest romps I've ever experienced!

I called El Hcnalb after dinner just to hear the soothing tone of her silky voice. After some light chit-chat things heated up when she described what she was wearing (burqa). My pulse raced out of control. I could hear her labored breathing as I then told her what I was wearing (pajamas with Star Wars characters). Suddenly and without thinking I leaned in and ever-so-gently phone-kissed her on the lip area. She reciprocated by moaning softly and then phone-touched my thigh. I thought I was going to pass out!

I'm not one to kiss and tell, but let me just say I've never phone-Frenched a hottie as passionate as El Hcnalb, and if she wouldn't have stopped things at that point, I don't know what would have happened! She said I was the most skillful phone-lover she's ever known, so I'm feeling more than a little studly.

Who would have guessed this beautiful flower was also a sensual sex kitten with all the right moves? How I'm going to make it to next Saturday's date is anybody's guess.

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

After all the excitement of this last weekend, it's hard to get back to the grind of providing you, my peeps, with the hardest-hitting cultural and political news and commentary, but someone has to. Let's go:

The news:

• The Iraq war continues despite the Democrat's noble legislation absolving them of blame if we lose.

• Those crazy Iranians are building nukes like there's no tomorrow, which there might not be if the evil Israelis suddenly decide they don't want themselves and their country to be turned into a sheet of glass.

• Las Vegas was turned into Compton this last weekend during the NBA All-Star party. Shootings, beatings, expensive cars with gigantic ugly wheels, lotsa crappy jewelry, goofy clothes, copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and more were to be found everywhere, and when the NBA fans arrived there was even more.

• The custody battle continues for Anna Nicole Smith's Trimspa'd body. Word is that internment will have to be in a hazardous waste site due to the body's high amount of man-made and potentially toxic substances.

• Obviously the biggest story of all is Britney Spear's cry for help in shaving her head. I saw the pictures and she now looks like an old Jewish guy with weird eyes. Too bad.

Scooter peace out.

Top of the day to you reader peeps!

First of all, let me say last night was everything I hoped it would be and LOTS MORE. When I got to Cracker Barrel, I was sad to see that two of the finalists, Lady and Sassy, didn't show. On the other hand, waiting for me by the hand-painted bird feeders were the bold and beautiful Chrissie and the alluring, sensual, and very exotic El Hcnalb. Both hotties nearly took my breath away as they were even more gorgeous than their photos. Actually, Chrissie did take my breath away with an embrace that popped my spinal vertebrae like a hippo dancing on bubble-wrap.

Once seated at my favorite table (right in front of the fireplace) and after ordering our food, I took in the girl's hotness. El Hcnalb was absolutely STUNNING in her flowing burqa and the bumps were in all the right places, if you know what I mean. She smelled ultra exotic - a combination of Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds," gin, cigarettes, and hot, sweaty passion. I could almost see her eyes through the cloth as they probably hungrily devoured me like the "Momma's Pancake Breakfast" she was eating. As I watched the link sausage glide through the little mouth slit in the cloth, I broke into such a severe sweat that I soaked my cornbread.

Chrissie was quite striking, as she was about 6' 3" tall, well muscled, and had a sexy husky voice that bespoke of perhaps too many cigarettes, or maybe a cold or something. She had an appetite that made me thank God we were going Dutch - I've never seen a girl take a fried chicken in four bites like that! I loved her bawdy sense of humor and the way her eyes twinkled as she recounted several amusing hunting stories, even though I don't personally believe in hunting. On the negative side, her loud farting and belching late in the meal were a definite turn-off for me and apparently the people at the table next to us, as they complained to the manager.

After dinner, we adjourned to the rear parking lot where the girls jumped into Chrissie's jacked-up pickup truck and changed into bikinis for the final competition. The first hottie to strut her stuff was the cut 'n buff Chrissie, but either she was packin' a corn-dog, or had one very serious hernia, either thing being undesirable for a classy lady I was going to be seen in public with. In addition, her thick black swath of stomach hair was a negative in my mind, although it was nothing that a razor or maybe dog clippers couldn't fix.

The second I laid eyes on the strutting El Hcnalb, the contest was over. Even though I couldn't actually see the bikini under her burqa, I could feel the heat and imagine the sizzling scenery. I called it at 8:33 PM: El Hcnalb was officially my new girlfriend and entitled to accompany me to an all-expenses-paid dinner at Olive Garden next Saturday night! Upon hearing my verdict Chrissie punched me in the stomach then ripped the rear-view mirror off my car - I knew I had made the right choice.

How I wish next weekend was tomorrow!

Scooter peace out.