Scooter's Report

TGIF peeps.

While I haven't had the time to personally monitor the British invasion of Iran, my correspondent and close friend Pepe has. He reports today that one or two of the British seamen and the one PMSing seawomen have evidently had a change of heart and publicly apologized for their actions. Pepe said that the woman is even wearing a tablecloth on her head just like the locals - bad sign. The good news for the U.K. is that still leaves 12 or 13 sailors holding the country, so it's not going anywhere unless they also go soft.

Pepe says the British government is getting pretty mad about these public apologies, and might even attack their own sailors to secure the country. All I know is if these few sailors manage to influence the others and they give Iran back, any hope we had of .35 a gallon gas will be gone, but at least one Middle East country will be free of foreign occupation.

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

Yesterday's parading of British soldiers was a real snooze-fest as it seems these guys were too tired to do anything but just eat lunch after conquering the country of Iran. In the film we see the female sailor has re-joined the group after probably looting a drugstore for Midol.

In other news:

• I recently got back together with the lovely Fran Nan Vutti after tiring of the company of shallow Hollywood starlets and superficial Victoria Secret's models. Plans to dine at Olive Garden are underway.
• Pepe also has a new girlfriend and is planning on getting her name tattooed on his back right under his sister's name and next to his ex-girlfriend's name, which he's getting altered into a picture of the Virgin Mary.
• I'm thinking of getting new carpet in my living room.
• The lady next door tried to get me arrested for peeping at her while she showered. Fortunately the police didn't press charges when I showed them how impossible it is NOT to see into her bathroom when hanging upside-down in my orange tree.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning, especially to my millions of international reader peeps.

In an incredible twist to the already confusing British occupation of Iran, reports are coming out of Tehran indicating the 14 male British sailors are planning a victory march through the streets of that occupied city. News reports say the lone female sailor is being sent back to the U.K. after becoming psychotic during a bout of PMS.

Surely now the wild rumors that Iran "captured" these members of one of the world's most powerful military forces will subside. The question now is what is the U.K. going to do with Iran?

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

News highlights:

• The latest word is that those 15 British sailors are still somewhere inside Iran, and while it's still unsure whether they are attacking Iran or Iran is attacking them, the fact remains they are still occupying a sovereign country. Henceforth, Pepe and I are continuing our protest and again today will be seeking a British embassy somewhere to protest in front of. Somebody said there's one in San Francisco, but I'm not driving that far, so we might just have to go back to the Land Rover dealership in San Jose and protest there.
• The autopsy report was released on Anna Nicole Smith, and it basically said she died from a drug overdose (insert gasping-in-disbelief sound here). Well, not exactly 'a' drug overdose, but more like 'drugs' overdose, as she contained more different synthetic substances than your average Dow Corning plant, not even counting her huge artificial fun-bags. On top of all that, she supposedly had over 2000% of the government recommended average daily requirement of Trimspa in her system. Eeks!
• On the personal front, Peace Moonbeam called me last night and wants to talk about teaming up for some protest work. We're doing lunch at Olive Garden tonight (her treat) to discuss it.

Scooter peace out.

Morning, peeps.

Pepe called me last night and claimed that the Iranians actually kidnapped the British sailors, and not what I reported earlier. If this is so I apologize, but here's why it can't be:

• Great Britain has a yooge modern navy and bunch of highly-trained sailors. Iran's biggest vessel has two outboard motors, and is manned by what appears to be hobos wearing drapes and turbans.
• The British vessels have sophisticated radar and GPS tracking that allows them pinpoint navigation, and the ability to monitor their environment for over 50 miles in every direction. The only cloaking available to the Iranian sailors are lying down in the boat and running on only one outboard (stealth mode).
• British seamen are well-armed with the latest weaponry. The Iranians have rusty Soviet pocket knives and a bunch of sharp clam shells.

I think we can all agree that it is unlikely at best that the Iranian Navy somehow snuck up and captured those British seamen. I'm sticking with my original story below.

Scooter peace out.

          Iranian Battleship

Good morning peeps.

I just found out there are like 15 British sailors in Iran! Am I the only one upset about this? Where's the outrage? Where's the condemnation? Are we just going to sit here while this happens? Well? Are we?

It was one thing when Bush and Blair decided to invade a sleepy little country like Iraq to steal their oil, but now to invade Iran just because they have some creaky, half-finished Soviet reactor is just ridiculous! And what are 15 British sailors going to do against a yooge army of decapitating, exploding future New York City cab drivers? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT. It just shows how stupid Bush and Blair are, sending in 15 guys, not even army guys, to probably blow up the reactor and steal some oil, with the obvious hope that nobody would notice. WELL WE NOTICED! (Sorry for shouting, but I'm pissed.)

Pepe and I are are organizing a protest march this afternoon at the British embassy, if we can find one. Everyone is welcomed to join us, especially if you bring some weed and sandwiches.

Scooter peace out.

PS: Bring some beer too.

TGIF peeps.

Several of you have inquired about my romance with Fran Nan Vutti, the waitress I met at Denny's. Our relationship was progressing nicely up to the point I was awarded the prestigious World's Best Weblog Award. My sudden fame and notoriety may have been too much for her, and certainly her walking in on Paris and me in the bathroom at the Viper Room didn't help. Anyway, I had to cast her aside as her insecurities were putting a serious dent in my happiness.

I don't know if it's fame, money, or just the fact that I'm now so well known and wealthy that seems to attract girls like flies to roadkill. All I know is I've been absolutely AWASH in hotties since I won my yooge award. I don't want to be a name  dropper, but here's some names: Paris, Britney, Lindsay, that chick who was in "Kill Bill," Cher, that really tall brunette Victoria's Secret model with the giganto hooters, the hot black chick with the big hair from "Deal Or No Deal," and many others I can't remember right now.

Meanwhile, my new agent has already booked me on the "Boots and Bobbie" Cleveland morning radio show, a charity car wash in Wichita, and a celebrity golf tournament in Somalia! This weekend I'm going to be hanging out close to the Playboy mansion, so things could get exciting, if you know what I mean.

Ciao, baby.

Scooter peace out.

Yo peeps.

Congratulations continue to pour in after yours truly received the 2007 World's Best Weblog Award (see right sidebar). I have been up for two days now, riding an adrenaline rush and answering telephone calls, doing interviews, receiving flowers and presents, and essentially just basking in the glory of winning the Internet's biggest award of the year.

Yesterday afternoon I went shopping for a new Mercedes S600, and even found a silver one that was PERFECT, but when the snooty sales guy wouldn't let me drive it or even sit in it, I told him to bite me, and me and my entourage left in a huff. I'm thinking at this point maybe a Toyota Prius would be better, as it may buy all of us an extra hour or two on earth, before we suffer the inevitable flaming death that Al Gore has arranged.

Also, yesterday I hired an agent who will set up all the stuff for me to do that will make me even more famous. I was lucky to get this guy as he was Bobby Dermer's (voice of "Grumpy Bear" in the Care Bears movies) agent, and in great demand. Already he's talking about maybe getting me the lead role in the next "Titanic" movie! I can hardly wait to see Kate Winslet naked! It seems like everything is moving so FAST.

I gotta go now, as I have an interview with the hosts of "Good Morning San Juan." Ciao, baby (star talk).

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

Today is kind of a slow news day, but I'll hit the highlights for you:

• Scooter's Report wins the coveted "2007 World's Best Weblog Award." Thanks to the international panel of  WBWA judges, and you, my faithful readers, I'm going shopping for a new Mercedes S600 this afternoon! Yeah!
• Al Gore continues to absolutely scare the crap out of everybody on Capitol Hill as he testifies about the rapidly-approaching destruction of earth. Near the end of yesterday's remarks, one member of Congress reportedly tried to hang himself in a restroom stall, and several others were carried out after supposedly overdosing on sedatives. More on this as it develops.
• The House approved issuing subpoenas for Karl Rove and other top White House aides. I'm not sure what this is about exactly, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do paternity questions surrounding Anna Nicole's baby.
• Speaking of Anna Nicole, she was recently not seen being escorted from a trendy L.A. nightspot after reportedly being so inebriated she could hardly stand. Onlookers did not claim she went from table to table asking strangers, "Do you like ma body?" before vomiting on one of Lindsay Lohan's bodyguards.

Scooter peace out.

Hey peeps.

From the many emails I've received pleading for me to re-think yesterday's decision to stop replying to your comments, I decided to weigh the the pros and cons:

Pros:

• Gives my readers a sense of importance, communicating directly with one of the internet's premier blog personalities.
• Makes me feel good about myself, reaching down to those who idolize me.
• Replying gives me a chance to be mean to those readers I don't really like.

Cons:

• Takes me away from cocktail parties, Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and the rest of my close real friends.
• Requires me to try and act nice to uneducated, unemployed internet addicts.
• Inflicts more wear and tear on my already over-taxed fingertips.
• Forces me to defend myself against several vicious, hateful readers who don't give me the respect my talent deserves.

Conclusion:

I already told you I don't have time. Quit bothering me or I'll write for some other people.

Scooter peace out.