Scooter's Report

Good morning peeps.

With the complete and total failure of Pepe's intervention, I've come up with a brilliant plan B: I've created a Rosie O'Donnell Fan Club and turned it over to Pepe. He's always loved Rosie and now that he's gay, that love has gone to an all new incomprehensible level.

The genius of my idea is that maybe now Pepe will gravitate to the "butch" end of the gay spectrum, hopefully switching from hot pants and sun dresses to Levis and shirts. I'm banking he'll also lay off the makeup and start liking girls, too. I personally think Pepe would make a really great lesbian.

If nothing else, at least I can be seen in public with him, and maybe his family will quit trying to kill him. We'll see how it works out.

Scooter peace out.

TGIF peeps.

Okay, yesterday I had an intervention for Pepe. From watching the "Intervention" TV show I knew I had to get his close family members to tearfully plead with him to get help with his problem (gayness), and threaten him with abandonment if he didn't (tough love). Waiting for Pepe to arrive at my house last night was his mother, Consuelo, and his elderly Grandma Inez.

I'd lured Pepe over by asking him to help me redecorate my living room. Imagine his surprise when I opened the door and there in front of him were his closest loved ones! I grabbed his arm before he could run, pulled him inside, and seated him on the couch by himself. He obviously knew something was up, and squirmed like an eel on a waffle iron as his mother and grandmother stared at him with tears in their eyes.

I spoke up and said, "Pepe, you know that we all love you and care about you. We just can't idly sit by as you ruin your life. Your loved ones here have something they want to say to you." At that, I motioned for his mother to join him on the couch so she could read her statement. Consuelo sat down next to her son, tearfully looked into his watering eyes and said softly, "Pepe, I jus wan to say..." then suddenly she violently slapped the snot out of him and screamed, "FILTY HOMO FILTY HOMO FILTY FILTY!!.." This kind of thing never happens on the TV show! I pulled Momma off Pepe just as she tried to gouge out his right eyeball with his own tiara. I ejected Consuelo from the proceedings, and calmed the sobbing Pepe and Grandma.

After restoring order, I asked Pepe's grandmother to please sit next to her grandson and read her statement of love and concern. The next thing I know, this frail little old lady comes flying across the room like a squirrel on diet pills! Grandma's hurling tiny outstretched feet caught Pepe square in the nuts, sending him and the couch reeling backwards to the floor! HOLY POPE ON A ROPE! By the time I got over there, she was viciously lunging at Pepe with what appeared to be a switchblade! OY VEY! I tackled her into the stereo cabinet, then locked her outside before she could regain consciousness. Well, this worked out just great.

Needless to say, Pepe was very badly shaken, as was I. After he re-applied his makeup, we went to Olive Garden for unlimited salad and bread sticks, where I quietly contemplated my next move to save my friend.

Scooter peace out.

                      "Help me."

Good morning peeps.

You regular readers know that my business partner and good friend, Pepe Rivera, was recently deported back to Mexico, and shortly thereafter re-entered the United States. After hearing about San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's declaration to make his city a sanctuary for immigrants, Pepe went to that city. Unfortunately, within a couple days it seems Pepe turned gay, and while there's certainly nothing wrong with that, it's just not a good fit for Pepe. I've lured him back to Berkeley for an intervention by telling him I needed help redecorating my living room.

I've got to go now, as he's going to be here shortly. I'll fill you in on the results tomorrow.

Scooter peace out.

Pepe gone wild in San Francisco

Hello peeps.

Let's rock:

• Rosie is out at ABC's The View. This came just days after she reportedly dropped the F bomb and grabbed her over-sized crotch while shouting, "Eat me!" in front of an audience that included young girls. Needless to say, Rosie's departure will leave a large hole in daytime TV. Extremely large. I'm talking really, really large here. Imagine an asteroid hits Manhattan, the resulting crater is the size of the hole left by Rosie in daytime TV. Seriously, this hole will be so big, it'll have its own zip code. I don't think I can adequately convey how gigantic this hole will be, but let's just say it will be YOOGE X 10 OR BIGGER.
• Speaking of yooge, last night on American Idol, Soul Sista LaKisha shook the stage with a powerful song that left me blubbering like a baby. Afterward, the Scooter's Soul Sista Fan Club International LLC(TM) phone really lit up, with another person joining! Go LaKisha!
• Pepe called to tell me he's enjoying San Francisco so much he's decided to stay. It's painfully obvious by his speech patterns he's turned gayer than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Jamboree. I'm rounding up some of Pepe's cousins for an intervention.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

Here's some updates:

• Pepe called this morning from San Francisco to tell me he had made it safely. When I asked how he got there from Yuma, he said he just called the S.F. mayor's office and they sent a town car. Sweet. The bad news is Pepe is talking like a valley girl and using the word "fabulous" in just about every sentence.
• According to the Drudge Report (hate it), some soldier in Iraq is taking Senator Harry Reid to task for announcing the war "lost." I think we all know the Senator is in a much better position to gage the status of the war than some guy in Iraq who doesn't have access to the New York Times.
• Scooter's Soul Sista LaKisha Fan Club International LLC(TM) is really picking up steam, and now boasts well over a dozen members from many, many states! As a way of showing my thanks, I'm lowering the membership fee from $29.95 a week to only $4.28*! WOW, get in now or get left in the dust, Soul Sista Lovas!
• The response to my Take A Big Sheet Toilet Paper(Patents Pending) has been great! Here's answers to some questions I've received:

1. Q: Will the roll fit existing holders?  A: Yes, the paper is the same width, only scored in 15" long sheets.
2. Q: Will it come in colors?  A: Yes, it will come in two eco-friendly non-bleached colors, brown and black.
3. Q: How many layers will it be?  A: It will be 2 plies for strength and absorbency. We will also offer our premium "Rosie's Choice" line in a rugged 10 ply, steel belted, 12 sheet roll.

*A day

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

I just received a phone call from Pepe saying he's back in the country, so I've got to drive to Yuma, Arizona and pick him up. Meanwhile, here's today's top stories:

• Sheryl Crowe proposes one sheet of toilet paper limit per restroom "visit." I think this is brilliant and fully support her.
• In a somewhat-related story, Sheryl Crowe and eco warrior/traveling mate Laurie David confronted Karl Rove at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner. David, world's foremost climatologist, filthy-rich wife of Hollywood producer Larry David, and wannabe lesbian rock groupie, urged Rove, "Take a new look at global warming." Reportedly Rove replied, "I have your global warming right here.." while grabbing his crotch, prompting peels of laughter from conservatives seated at his table. Sources say he then chucked a sourdough roll at the gasping David, hitting her in the forehead as she and Crowe attempted to flee. Disgusting.
• San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom vowed Sunday to maintain his city as a sanctuary for immigrants and do everything he can to discourage federal authorities from conducting immigration raids. In a related story, Pepe just called and said he's headed to San Francisco, so I don't have to drive to Yuma now. Good.
• Lastly, I'm pleased to announce today I'm filing a patent for my new product "Take A Big Sheet Toilet Paper"(Patents Pending), the new eco-friendly toilet paper with 15" individual sheets. Now one sheet will get the job done, saving the planet from global warming, and thus the very lives of every person on earth. Available soon wherever fine toilet paper is sold!

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

Well, things have been so bad I don't even know where to begin. I guess it all started when me, Pepe, and a couple of fan club hotties set sail for Catalina Island on our new Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) 48' Sea Ray sports yacht, Chicken Of The Sea. We enjoyed a wonderful cruise until Pepe steered us into a jetty at the mouth of San Diego harbor while doing body shots off of Sanjaya-Maniac Misty.

Unfortunately, the Chicken went down in just a few minutes while I frantically dialed my insurance agent in a futile attempt to purchase a policy on the soon-to-be Sea Bass Holiday Inn. The good news is both the hotties had large personal flotation devices, and Pepe and I were able to hold on to them till we safely made it to shore. The bad news is that both hotties nearly drowned - please join us in praying for their complete recovery.

Once on dry land, I gave the authorities a statement concerning the accident while Pepe was arrested, beaten, and presumably deported for being in this country illegally. The fact he also drunkenly impugned the moral virtues of the arresting officer's female relatives probably didn't help his case either. Nice, Pepe.

After 6 hours I was finally allowed to leave, and drove home only to find IRS papers posted on my front door outlining the fact that our Sanjaya Fan Club bank accounts had been seized, and all SSFCI property attached and ordered forfeited. I spent the rest of the afternoon drawing a map for the IRS outlining the approximate location of their boat.

After all that, I then heard the shocking news that Sanjaya had been voted off American Idol, which was fine with me as he wasn't all that talented anyway. Judging by the sharp decline of incoming Sanjaya fan club membership PayPals, it had become obvious to me America wanted to support someone new besides, and who am I to argue with this great country?

That's why I'm pleased to announce the new Scooter's Soul Sista LaKisha Fan Club International LLC(TM)! That's right, for only $29.95 a week you can now join with thousands of other LaKisha fans worldwide in supporting this next American Idol! EXTRA: As a special bonus you'll also receive the secret Soul Sista LaKisha(TM) handshake and Soul Sista LaKisha(TM) decoder ring absolutely FREE! WOW! Order now!

In LaKisha,

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

We took delivery of our new Sea Ray Sports Yacht yesterday morning. We then spent the next several hours brainstorming to come up with a cool name for it. Pepe wanted to call it "Floater" or "Bobber," which of course is stupid. Looking at some of the other boats at the dock, I noticed the coolest ones were named after fish, so we focused on fish names. Pepe really liked the name "Floating Flounder," but I thought that sounded too much like a dead fish. After several margaritas, we finally agreed on "Chicken Of The Sea" as this is our favorite fish of all.

With that out of the way, we're stocking the Chicken with stores (nautical term) for our first business trip, a 3 day cruise to Catalina Island. As this is an official Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) function, we're taking some of our more-buoyant local female club members to act as crew. Pepe got them some matching sailor outfits, so they'll look the part.

Unfortunately we will be gone until Friday afternoon, so I won't have time to post until Saturday. You'll just have to talk amongst yourselves until then. Ahoy!

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

As most of you know, our Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) has been a tremendous success, propelling me and Pepe into the good life. Unfortunately with success comes temptation, and I'm afraid Pepe has succumbed to the temptation of substance abuse.

I first started noticing the white powder in his car and on his clothes. I noticed he'd been going through a lot of money, and spending days at a time locked in his room with loose female members of our fan club. He'd also surrounded himself with a bunch of unsavory low-lifes and "hangers-on." It's not hard to understand how someone like Pepe, who's never had much in his life, could get carried away with the filthy pleasures big money can buy.

Looking back, I knew he had a problem, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until I stumbled across over a pound of small wrapped packages hidden under the dirty clothes in his closet. Oh crap, I'd never seen so many Altoids in a residential setting in my life! I immediately confronted Pepe with the evidence. At first he tried to deny he had a problem, but finally broke down in violent sobbing and admitted he was out of control, sometimes eating 10 or more of the potent little tablets at once!

Using my innovative therapy of having him take a 5 mg. Valium every time he craves an Altoid has greatly reduced his mint intake, and now he's getting the sound and constant rest his body requires. The only bad thing is that his breath now smells like a donkey fart, but I know it's worth it.

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out.

Happy Saturday, peeps.

Pepe and I are pleased to announce some exciting changes for our fan club!

Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) News:

• Current membership is somewhere between 1300 to 3200 as close as we can tell.
• Me and Pepe purchased a beautiful new 48' Sea Ray Sundancer Sport Yacht for our fan club Thursday! This vehicle will serve as our SSFCI office when at sea. Unfortunately, only hot bikini-clad fan club members will be allowed onboard, and even then only after displaying proficiency in massage, lap-dancing, and cocktail waitressing.
• We've decided to raise membership fees from $199.95 to $299.95 a year and require a 1000 word essay on why we should accept you.
• We are now offering  the exciting new "SSFCI ExpressApp(TM)." This innovative process will fast-track your application process and doesn't require the 1000 word essay. The SSFCI ExpressApp(TM) is available for an additional $75 only to Sanjaya's most sincere fans!
• Sanjaya has requested skimpy bikini photos of all our female club members, 130 lbs and lighter. Please send these to me and Pepe and we'll make sure they get to Sanjaya.

In Sanjaya,

Scooter & Pepe peace out.