Scooter's Report

Hey peeps.

As most of you know, there's not been much going on in the news lately. Here's what little noteworthy stuff I could dredge from Drudge:

• Senator Hillary Clinton saw her presidential hopes go down the crapper when Matt Damon and George Clooney endorsed Barrack Hussein Obama in a recent interview. My sources in the Clinton camp report chaos amid frenzied efforts to control the potentially fatal damage.
• The United States and Russia continue to slide back into a cold war. Russian President Vladimar Putin said his country's new cruise missiles will effectively nullify a proposed U.S. anti-missile shield to be deployed in Europe. The Pentagon immediately released a statement announcing the successful test-firing of a new "anti-anti-missile cruise missile missile." When asked about this new development, President Putin replied, "No biggie. I'll get back to you in a couple days."
• China and India are in a "race to the moon," with both countries planning unmanned lunar orbital missions. China is viewed as having the upper hand, as their space agency is headquartered in a modern lawn furniture manufacturing facility, compared to India's program that is situated in an antiquated brass ashtray plant. However, my sources tell me that Chinese scientists are expressing concerns about the high content of "Wal-Mart crap" that is going into their spacecraft. Personally, I don't want to be within 100 miles of either of these pieces of crap when they light the fuses, but that's just me.

Gotta go!

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

Today's top story:

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she saw "firsthand evidence that climate change is a reality" after leading a congressional delegation to Greenland over the weekend. "The ice in our drinks melted twice as fast as the last time we were here" she stated. "Also, several members of our delegation personally witnessed dead or dying bugs by the swimming pool that were obviously being effected by the higher than usual temperatures."

In observance of Memorial Day, Speaker Pelosi laid a wreath at the statue of Fluffy, the polar bear photographed last year floating away on a small ice berg. "This brave animal gave its life so George Bush can drive pickup trucks," the California Senator tearfully intoned. When asked by a reporter if she had any message concerning the sacrifices made by the U.S. Armed Forces, she replied, "What the hell does that have to do with global warming?"

No doubt Nancy epitomizes everything the Democrat Party stands for. You go, girl!

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

Due to the following major breaking news story, we bring you this special weekend edition of Scooter's Report.

ROSIE O'DONNELL EXITS 'THE VIEW' PREMATURELY!

In an surprise move, Rosie O'Donnell abruptly left the popular talk show after a heated on-air argument with co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck. O'Donnell was originally slated to leave the show June 20, but had not been seen since Wednesday's incident. A statement was read on the show Friday saying that she would not be returning.

During the volatile exchange Wednesday, Hasselbeck took exception with O'Donnell's claim that U.S. troops were the real terrorists in Iraq, while O'Donnell called Hasselbeck a coward for not standing by her. In the ensuing fracas, the wiry Hasselbeck unexpectedly jumped on O'Donnell's back, and attempted to choke her as  the cameras rolled. Shocked audience members likened the scene to "a monkey riding a rodeo bull" as the snorting, thundering Rosie wildly swung the desperately-clinging Hasselbeck into the set backdrop and sound boom.

While producers and co-host Barbara Walters attempted to intervene, O'Donnell managed to crush Hasselbeck against a railing, sending her sprawling onto the studio floor, where O'Donnell then proceeded to gore her savagely. Security guards and responding police officers repeatedly tasered the massive celebrity with little apparent effect. Only after a quick-thinking Walters threw a jelly donut at O'Donnell's feet were onlookers able to pull the seriously injured Hasselbeck to safety. O'Donnell was allowed to leave, and has not been seen in public since.

On behalf of myself, liberals in general, and no doubt al-Qaida in particular, we'll miss you Rosie!

Scooter peace out.

TGIF peeps.

Here's today's top stories:

• The Bush administration scored a victory as Congress passed a revised $120 billion spending bill after removing a timetable provision for troop withdrawl. Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton voted against the bill, a move applauded by MoveOn.org, The Daily Kos, Huffington Post, and Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. Senator Clinton, D-N.Y. said, "I fully support our troops, but the measure fails to give opposing forces a fair chance of success."  Well said, Senator.
• In a related story, cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has returned to Iraq after fleeing to Iran several months ago ahead of the U.S. offensive push. During a blistering anti-American speech, al-Sadr called for his supporters to resist occupation forces, then praised Senate and House Democrats for their efforts to "Cut the heads off the American aggressors." He then displayed a beautiful Swarovski crystal swan he was presenting to Senate leaders as a gesture of gratitude.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

I don't have time for chit chat, here's some news:

• Towering mutant teenager Jordin Sparks wins American Idol. The bad thing is that because she's only 17 we'll be forced to listen to her ALL OUR LIVES. I just got chicken skin.
• Presidential candidate John Edwards claims the phrase "War on terror" is just a Republican term used to frighten voters. His suggestion of the new phrase "Engagement with those who differ" was warmly embraced by Hill Democrats and CNN.
• In a related story, during a press conference today President Bush called Senator Edwards remarks "naive." He added, "I wish he was here so I could slap the snot out of that little ambulance-chasing fairy." He later apologized for the remark, saying, "I didn't realize I was thinking out loud."
• Iran warned Israel against attacking Lebanon, threatening that area Arab countries would see such an attack as justification to "Hate the Israelis more than ever." 
• The Pentagon has released illustrated documents outlining torture techniques, recently captured at an al-Qaeda safe house in Iraq. Along with the documents were photos of drills, pliers, blowtorches, saws, etc. used in actual torture at the house. The release prompted an angry response from Democrat Senator John Edwards who said, "This is just another Bush administration attempt to portray these people in a negative light." He added, "If I was still a defense attorney, I'd go over there and sue the crap out of this country for defamation of character." 

Gotta go!

Scooter peace out.

Happy Hump Day peeps.

Let's go straight to the world's top story:

Last night on American Idol, finalists Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis gave their last performances in the competition. Here's my take on the two singers:

Jordin Sparks:

• Behemoth 17-year-old, approximately seven foot tall - very possibly the result of some radiation experiment gone awry. When standing next to her, Ryan Seacrest looks like a praying mantis.
• Beautiful smile that appears to have roughly twice the usual number of teeth (see radiation comment above).
• Has a soaring teenage girl voice with a weird vibrato that makes my cat suddenly poop uncontrollably when she hits the high notes. (Note to self: Don't hold Frisky on lap during American Idol).
• Fan base of zillions of 10 to 13-year-old girls. Increased reports of adolescent females abusing steroids and singing into hairbrushes have been directly linked to Jordin's influence.

Blake Lewis:

• Not the greatest singer, but makes cool drum and turntable scratching sounds with his mouth (I'm assuming mouth, don't know for sure).
• Has that "edgy" look and sound that 70-year-old Jewish record producers are constantly seeking.
• Does not make my cat uncontrollably shoot poop when he hits the high notes, but does make her spray urine during intense "beat-box" passages. (Note to self: Don't hold Frisky on lap during American Idol).
• Fan base of zillions of 10 to 13-year-old boys. Increased reports of adolescent males making bizarre noises while spitting have been directly linked to Blake's influence.

The Winner:

• Melinda Doolittle. Unfortunately voted out because she had no neck, Melinda was easily the best singer. It's now official: American Idol blows toads.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

I've received many emails concerning yesterday's story about Senator Hillary Clinton coughing up a hairball while giving the commencement address at Dillard University. Sharp-eyed readers noticed that in the photo I ran, Mrs. Clinton was wearing a string of pearls and a different dress from the college gown and no pearls shown in the video of the event that the story linked to.

Sometimes in journalism we have to use whatever resources are available to convey the story, and in this case because I did not have a clear photo of the actual event I had to synthesize one. I apologize for this breach of trust, but I assure you no deception was intended. Please know that we at Scooter's Report actively strive for accuracy and honesty in every story we bring you.

I now have an actual photo of this event, below.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

Let's get right to the news:

• Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush as "the worst in history" in international relations. When asked what he would have done differently in the face of growing international threats, he replied, "That's easy, I would have employed my non-violent Iranian hostage crisis strategy of brooding in the White House rose garden for a number of months until the situation solved itself or went away."
• In a related story, when told of the former President's remarks, a feisty President Bush replied, "Jimmy Carter? He's a wrinkly big-lipped little pinhead who makes Larry the Cable Guy look like Einstein. He can bite me."
• In his new film, the 11th Hour, Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio warns that humans face extinction because of global warming. While regarded by many as America's premiere climatologist, not everyone was pleased with DiCaprio's statements. Shortly after the film's release, Al Gore issued this statement: "He doesn't know crap about global warming. I'm the expert here, and trust me, the situation is much more dire than what this Hollywood pretty boy claims."
• While giving the commencement address at Dillard University in New Orleans Saturday, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was filmed coughing and wheezing (here). Onlookers were aghast when the Senator coughed up what appeared to be a very large hairball. Reportedly, she was then able to continue without distress.

Scooter peace out.

TGIF peeps.

Let's get right to the news:

In a spectacular show of bipartisanship, Senate members of both parties have finished drafting broad immigration legislation. Senator Edward M. Kennedy, Massachusetts Democrat and chief sponsor of the draft, said at a news conference, "This agreement is the best possible chance we will have in years to secure our borders, bring millions of people out of the shadows and into the sunshine of America." In an embarrassing open microphone incident afterward, Senator Kennedy added, "...you bet your ass that sunshine will be in my front and back yards. Damn, those Beaners can shape a hedge!"

Two controversial aspects of the legislation are the proposed "Z visa," which would allow present illegal aliens and their families the right to live permanently in this country, and a required $5000 fine. While many conservatives claim the visa is nothing less than amnesty, Nancy Pelosi disagreed and angrily remarked, " Forcing my voters to file for this document places an undo hardship on a proud people already overburdened with trying to wire money back to Mexico." She went on, "However, I have no problem with the $5000 fine as it would be offset by my proposed $6000 "immigration grant," free health care, and $4000 vehicle allowance. It's the least we can do for these hardworking and disadvantaged voters."

In the upcoming weeks this proposed legislation is sure to fuel a tremendous amount of debate on Capitol Hill, and Scooter's Report will be there to cover it all.

Scooter peace out.

Hello peeps.

The Iraqi insurgency won a major victory with the British government's announcement that Prince Harry will not be deployed to Iraq due to "specific threats."

My sources report the real reason was because Prince Harry's fellow soldiers were uneasy at the thought of being with someone the enemy wished to kill. I can totally understand this. If I'm going to be in Iraq, I don't want the enemy to catch me with somebody they don't like. Personally, I'd only feel safe over there with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi. Ted Kennedy would probably be okay too, but I don't think he'd fit in a Hummer.

Other mitigating circumstances contributing to the Brit's decision were the difficulty of providing adequate supplies of fresh tea and crumpets in some areas of Iraq, and the countrywide shortage of polo ponies. Something tells me the painful memory of the British Navy recently being kidnapped by a small band of future New York City cab drivers is still fresh in the minds of the Royal Family, too.

All in all, probably a good decision.

Scooter peace out.