Scooter's Report

Terrorists Bombs Found In UK!

From what I know, a bunch of British policemen, incredibly all named "Bobby," thwarted an apparent terror attack Friday near the famed Piccadilly Circus in the heart of London. Police defused a bomb made of gasoline, propane gas, and nails after an ambulance crew spotted smoke coming from a silver Mercedes parked on the sidewalk.

I haven't heard how many people were attending this circus, but it's a fair guess there were at least hundreds. My sources tell me the bomb was big enough to hurl large elephants hundreds of feet and medium-sized clowns well over a mile, potentially cutting a swath of destruction throughout downtown London. "One flying elephant could conceivable kill over a thousand people," said my friend Pepe, who has seen elephants up close. "If the elephant is flung with a high enough velocity, it would explode on impact like a peanut-filled nuke, leveling whole city blocks."

It's a well known fact that Islamic jihadists hate circuses, as they feel clowns are a mocking representation of the Prophet Mohammad, not to mention their belief that scantily-clad female trapeze artists flying overhead are sexually taunting them to the point of madness. Let's pray the Brits can  track down these carpet-kissers before they strike again.

Scooter peace out.

• Fighting Intensifies, Republicans Under Attack

As the bloody battle raged this week, many questioned whether Republicans have the resolve to stay the course. Few expected the enemy to strike with such ferocity, but Elizabeth Edwards (wife of Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards (D-NC) did, live, on the television show "Hardball." Mrs. Edward's target, Ann Coulter, was stunned by the attack as were many conservatives. "She came at me like a crazed fat javelina," said Coulter. "It wasn't fair, I can easily kick her little girlie-man husband's ass, but she's sick with AIDS or cancer or something, what could I say?"

Among other things, Coulter has referred to John Edwards as a "faggot" and noting liberal comedian Bill Maher's comments that he wished Vice President Dick Cheney had "died in a terrorist attack," said she wished the same for Senator Edwards. Apparently that last comment prompted Mrs. Edwards to confront Coulter. "You bony bitch, I'll snap you like a pretzel," growled Edwards. "Maybe my husband is a fag, but wishing he gets attacked by terrorists is over the line, Q-tip."

When asked why his wife, and not he, had taken on Coulter, Sen. Edwards replied, "I'm a suer, not a fighter. If Coulter was a large corporation, I'd have already found some half-assed reason to sue her into insolvency." The good news for Edwards is that Coulter's jabs have been a successful fund raising tool, attracting over $300K to the campaign in recent days. Some insiders have even hinted that Sen. Edwards has purposely increased his "fagginess" in an attempt to draw more comments from Coulter, something his wife disputes, "John just looks and acts like that naturally, he's not trying to get attacked."

We'll follow this battle and keep you updated on any developments.

Scooter peace out.

• Rosie O'Donnell Defends Photo Of Daughter

Rosie O'Donnell is defending the photograph at the top of her blog today featuring her 4-year-old daughter, Vivienne, wearing a toy bomb belt, ammunition, and military fatigues. "What, my kid can't play soldier?" asked the celebrity. When asked why the girl was apparently portraying an Islamic terrorist, Rosie replied, "She's four-years-old, it's MAKE-BELIEVE, you ignorant f%#*@! putz."

Sources also report the little girl has recently been involved in a number of incidents involving the taking of food from playmates. "She called my daughter "infidel" and threatened to "blow her to hell" if she didn't hand over her Twinkies, so she did," said the mother of three-year-old Teresa Blech. When asked about these reports, O'Donnell  replied, "Hey, she's four-years-old, you pin-headed piece of crap." All I can say is "You GO girl Rosie!"

Gotta go!

Scooter peace out.

Paris Hilton Released From Jail

Early this morning, heiress Paris Hilton was released from California's Century Regional Detention Center, as hundreds of members of the press recorded the blessed event. Hilton appeared happy as she made her way to a waiting car, shaking hands with some onlookers, and posing for the cameras.

Scooter's Report had the inside track, and scored this exclusive interview with Paris during the drive from jail to her grandparent's mansion, where she will briefly stay:

SR: Paris, you look fabulous!

Hilton: Thank you Scotty, I'm so glad to be free.

SR: That's "Scooter."

Hilton: Sorry. I'm so tired. 

SR: I understand. Paris, my readers want to know, what sustained you during your imprisonment?

Hilton: The Bible. I've given my life to Moses.

SR: That's inte

Hilton: Schooner, please don't do that.

SR: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch your leg. Sorry.

Hilton: I've been locked up with about a zillion lesbians, and I guess I'm a little sensitive about being touched. Sorry if I overacted.

SR: Scooter.

Hilton: Excuse me?

SR: My name is Scooter. You called me Schooner.

Paris: Sorry.

SR: What are your plans now, Paris?

Hilton: Well, first of all, I'm not going to be stupid anymore. Also, I want to use my fame for good things, like curing diseases, and burning the rain forests. 

SR: Would yo

Hilton: Not burning.

SR: What?

Hilton: I meant to say "not burn the rain forests."

SR: You would or wouldn't burn them?

Hilton: Please remove your hand from my thigh.

SR: That wasn't me.

Hilton: This interview is over. Get out.

SR: Is that a thong?

Hilton: DRIVER STOP! Skeeter, get out. Now. 

SR: Can I call you?

Hilton: NOW!

SR: Bony skank.

I would like to thank Paris Hilton for the exclusive interview, despite the fact she seemed somewhat hesitant to really open up. I guess jail will do that to a person.

Scooter peace out.

With Paris Hilton not quite released from jail yet, we'll have to make do with regular news:

• Feinstein Wants to Revive Fairness Doctrine

U.S. Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., said Sunday she is "looking at" the possibility of reviving the fairness doctrine for U.S. broadcasters. "I'm tired of being forced to listen to hours of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity every day, we need liberal alternatives," said the Senator. "If this is allowed to continue, who knows how many people might start thinking we can win the war, embrace capitalism or possibly even Christianity, God forbid. The risk is simply too great." How right you are Senator.

• Gore Blames Scientists, Bush Administration For Global Warming

After shunning the spotlight for almost two full days, Al Gore said today, "The world's scientists have played a major role in global warming, what with all those Bunsen burners and experiments and stuff." Mr. Gore then attacked the Bush administration, saying, "President Bush continues to thumb his nose at the problem by riding around in big limos, flying all over the place, and living in a house much larger than he needs. I wish he'd get AIDS and die." Go get 'em, Big A!

Scooter peace out.

Scooter's Report received this letter today from Sarasota, Florida Mayor Lou Ann Palmer, in response to yesterday's news story "Dolphins of Death":

Mayor Lou Ann Palmer
1565 1st Street, Room 101
Sarasota, FL 34236
Phone: (941) 954-4115

Dear Mr. Van Neuter,

Your report "Dolphins of Death" paints an unfair portrait of the dolphin situation in the Sarasota, Florida area.

I want all your readers to know that Sarasota has some of the finest beaches in America, and its dolphins are generally well-behaved and playful. While there have been a few isolated incidents of dolphin violence perpetrated upon humans, the vast majority of dolphins are beautiful, friendly, and playful creatures.

The few people who have been eaten, dismembered, or decapitated were most likely "in the wrong place at the wrong time," and may have even provoked the attacks by splashing or swimming in areas inhabited by dolphin gangs possibly involved in drug, or other illegal activities.

I have personally ridden many wild dolphins in the Sarasota area, and have found them to be delightfully gentle fish, or mammals, or whatever they are. On occasion, I've even punched and bitten them, in an attempt to see if they would bite, and they have not. In fact, the only time I was ever bitten was when I was attempting to probe a dolphin's anus with my snorkel, and probably deserved it.

Mr. Van Neuter, I would like to invite you and your readers to beautiful Sarasota, Florida so you may see for yourself how friendly and safe the majority of our local dolphins are.

Sincerely,
Lou Ann Palmer
Mayor, Sarasota, Florida

Thank you, Mayor, I just may take you up on that offer some day, if all the dolphins in the world ever become extinct.

Scooter peace out.

Amid today's typical news stories of impending doom, one made the hairs stand up on my manly arms like no other:

• Marine Officials Warn of Biting Dolphins

Sarasota County Florida has recently seen a dramatic increase in reports of people being bitten by dolphins. Florida experts said wild dolphins are becoming more aggressive because boaters are feeding them.

Yesterday's incident where 2-year-old Hector Nunez was bitten in two is the latest in a recent string of brutal attacks by these bottle-nosed killers:

• April 4, 2007: 40-year-old Melinda Johnson had both arms and one ear ripped off while wading in only 4" of water. She survived.
• April 22, 2007: 23-year-old David Watson was decapitated by a dolphin that was reported to have made "funny noises" shortly before attacking. He survived for three weeks before succumbing to his injuries.
• May 19, 2007: 19-year-old Felix Rodriguez, reportedly swimming nude and under the influence of alcohol, lost "an appendage" and later his girlfriend, while wading in the surf. He survived.
• May 29, 2007: 4-year-old Cody Butts was devoured whole by what was described as "Flipper with an attitude" in front of horrified onlookers. Later, searchers found his remains floating in a giant dolphin turd.
• June 6, 2007: 31-year-old Wendi Witt had both breasts gnawed off while swimming. Shortly afterward, a dolphin was found washed ashore not far from the scene of the attack, later determined to have died from toxic poisoning. Officials have not determined if the two events were related. Ms. Witt survived.

This situation is frightening, and I for one will NEVER swim in Sarasota Florida again.

Scooter peace out.

Happy Hump Day, peeps.

With the world teetering on the edge of unspeakable calamity, I've chosen what I feel is today's most important story:

• Rosie O'Donnell To Meet With CBS Producers Of "The Price Is Right."

Ms. O'Donnell has made no secret of the fact she'd love to host the popular game show. On her blog site she stated, "The show needs an edge, and my biggest dream has always been to work closely with Barker's Beauties, who I would rename, I dunno, maybe 'Rosie's Rug Munchers,' or something like that."

At a recent network news conference, veteran host Bob Barker endorsed Rosie as his choice for replacement, just after he announced that he had been diagnosed with severe dementia, and would be leaving the show. One CBS producer told Scooter's Report, "Bob has been great, but we've been thinking that a hulking, mean, butch lesbian would add energy to the show, especially if she'd berate the contestants and bellow liberal conspiracy theories."

Insiders say the biggest obstacle to Ms. O'Donnell hosting the show is likely the television studio set itself, which was originally built in 1972 and may not be structurally strong enough to support the perky but ponderous celebrity. "The heaviest thing we've ever had on that stage was a Cadillac and ski boat in 1974," said stagehand Willie Smith, "I don't know if it'll handle Rosie." My sources tell me CBS would probably be willing to rebuild the set, should they come to terms with O'Donnell. Let's hope this works out.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning peeps.

As the world continues to circle the drain, we bring you today's news:

• Concerts To Be "Green." Promoters for the series of "Live Earth" concerts say the concerts themselves "will be part of the solution." Live Earth's Yusef Robb said, "These concerts will add years to all our lives by making music about cutting greenhouse gases." Among the things planned to cut the carbon footprint of the large concerts are:

1. Shutting off the electricity to adjourning neighborhoods during the events.
2. Prohibiting paper and plastic cups and plates. All food and drinks will be served in "eco-troughs."
3. No volume markings over 9 on amplifiers.
4. All pot smoke to be exhaled through "eco-filters" (Kleenex).
5. All concert lighting to be 40 watt fluorescent bulbs (First 40 rows reserved for lighting).
6. Huge auxiliary generators will be painted green.
7. Holding up lighters during ballads is prohibited unless lighting joints.
8. No farting.
9. No songs about cars, etc.
10. Waterless bathrooms, utilizing "eco-troughs."

• Salman Rushdie Knighted, Islam World Erupts in Anger. A government minister in Pakistan said yesterday that Salman Rushdie’s recent knighthood justified suicide bombings. Shortly after the minister's comments, Abdul Hakreem, aged 24, blew himself up in a neighborhood Laundromat. "He was a a freaking moron," said his father, Makmood Hakreem. "He blew up the only washers and dryers within 10 miles. I hope the virgins give him the clap," the elder Hakreem added, as he wrestled with a cart of laundry. Later, the government minister issued a revised statement calling for suicide bombings against SALMAN RUSHDIE.

Scooter peace out.

Good morning reader peeps.

The news is unusually boring this morning, thanks to Paris Hilton still being out of circulation. Here's some stuff to get you by:

• The latest USA TODAY/Gallup Poll shows New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has regained a double-digit lead over Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Poll respondents favored Clinton 31% to Obama's 21% when asked "Which conniving, shrill, old white woman do you favor for President?" 
• During a recent interview, world renowned climatologist, Al Gore, recently expressed his frustration at the world's occasional interest in people/events other than himself, saying, "I'm trying to save the world, and people are reading about Paris Hilton? Without me, you'll all die, without her, you'll merely lose your fashion sense. Which is more important?" Good point.
• In Gaza, Hamas militants continue to undermine the established government. Reports of unwashed marauding gangs, screaming socialist political slogans while looting government offices, gave rise to fears that America's top Democrats had relocated. A search of the top stories on CNN quickly disproved those fears, but not before the U.S. stock market rose over 1000 points.

Scooter peace out.