Scooter's Report

U.S. Toll in Iraq At 8-Month Low

BAGHDAD - According to military sources the American death toll in Iraq is at its lowest point in over 8 months. The outcry from Democrats was immediate and strong: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said, "This decline of casualties shouldn't give anyone the idea we're not losing, and bad." Harry Reid (D-Nev) said, "Who cares how many soldiers live or die, the war's lost, it doesn't make any difference." How right you are, Senator.

Positive Report On Iraq War Could Split Dems

WASHINGTON DC - House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said Monday that a strongly positive report on progress on Iraq by Army Gen. David Petraeus likely would split Democrats in the House and impede his party's efforts to press for a timetable to end the war. "We're nude, screwed, and tattooed if that report doesn't say we're losing," said a frustrated Clyburn.

Democrats are already reeling from news that U.S. causalities are at an eight-month low, and the possibility that the Petraeus report may indicate progress in the war is apparently causing many lead Democrats to despair. When asked what she would do if the report reflects good news, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said, "There are plenty of other problems with this country we can revel in. Meanwhile, we'll hope things in Iraq turn around." Joe Biden (D-Del) added, "We will not be deterred by this unexpected setback, and continue to have complete faith in our military's ability to lose this war."

I guess when it rains it pours!

Scooter peace out.

Iraq Captain Not Going Home

After winning the Asia Cup, Younis Mahmoud, captain of Iraq's victorious football team, said he would not return to his home country because he fears being killed: "Those crazy carpet-kissers would gut me like a fish," he said. When asked where he would go and what he would do, he replied, "The usual - move to Detroit and drive a cab."

Commenting on the situation in Iraq, he said, "I want America to go out. I wish the American people didn't invade Iraq and hopefully it will be over soon." When reminded of the fact that Uday Hussein used to be in charge of the team and regularly used to torture players and rape their wives and girlfriends, Mahmoud said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. USA number one."

That's more like it, you sissy ball-kicker.

Scooter peace out.

Pelosi Named 4th Most Beautiful On Capitol Hill

Washington DC - "The Hill" has named 67-year-old Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi the fourth most beautiful person on Capitol Hill.

The article states: "It is puzzling just how the first female Speaker of the House stays so fit. She is always working and traveling to enemy countries, rarely exercises and reportedly noshes on Ghirardelli mint chocolates and large amounts of defeatism."

Robin Givhan, the Washington Post fashion critic, earlier this year wrote, “She looks polished and tasteful, with just a hint of 'My skin's been pulled so tight my eyebrows are almost in my hair'.”

Astronauts Have Flown Drunk

Florida - A panel has found that on at least two occasions astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so intoxicated that they posed a flight-safety risk. The panel also reported "heavy use of alcohol" by astronauts before launch. More on this as it develops.

Lindsay Lohan To Become Astronaut

Sources close to Lindsay Lohan have told Scooter's Report that the troubled actress has decided to join NASA, filling the position vacated by Lisa Nowak. When asked about her thoughts concerning the dangers of high speed space travel, Lohan replied, "It's what I love." You go girl!

Scooter peace out.

Dow Crashes!

NEW YORK - Wall Street suffered one of its worst losses of 2007 today. After skidding more than 450 points, the Dow Jones industrials closed down more than 310 on fears Lindsay Lohan might have to pull out of her upcoming film due to recent legal problems.

Personally, I've been too distraught to even report the news. I pretty much spent all day drinking in front of the TV watching my financial future spiral to Hell in a plume of acrid smoke and despair. At 400 points down I was THIS CLOSE to drowning myself in the sink, before realizing I don't own any stock. Thank you God!

I'm all better now.

Scooter peace out.

Ward Churchhill Fired From University

Boulder - The University of Colorado Board of Regents voted to fire Ward Churchill on Tuesday evening, prompting the promise of a lawsuit from the embattled professor. The move came after committees found in 2006 that Churchill was guilty of academic misconduct, fabricating and falsifying research, plagiarizing the work of others, and pretending to be an Indian, when in fact he's just a goofy-looking white guy with high cheek bones and greasy hair.

After the meeting, Churchill and his supporters participated in a Native American ceremony outside the building, setting up card tables and hawking gaudy silver and turquoise jewelry to members of the press.

Me not going nowhere," Churchill told reporters. "White men oppress red brave. Brave not afraid, will financially scalp white men with Jewish attorneys." Churchill then tore off his shirt, jumped on his moped, and proceeded to wildly tear around campus while whooping threateningly at passers-by, finally ending up at a neighborhood bar where he drank himself into unconsciousness.

Scooter peace out.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested!!

• Charged with yet another DUI!
• Cocaine in pocket!
• Driving on suspended license!
• Recently released from rehab!
• Jail probable!
• World stunned!

Today the the entire world is reeling from the news that actress Lindsay Lohan was charged with DUI and cocaine possession after being arrested early this morning. The troubled star completed her second rehab stint just two weeks ago, and will likely face jail time if convicted of this latest crime. After being released from custody, Lohan posted this message to her fans on her MySpace page:

"Thnks to all my deer frends. As you know I had a little problm last night becasue of medications I accidenty took to much of and accidntly drove without my knowlege. I will be proven NOT GIULTY of these charges and promise to continue entertiang you my wondefulfans in the way you luv and desrerve. LL"

Now THERE'S a trooper! We at Scooter's Report join the rest of the world in wishing her well. We love you Lindsay!

World On Brink Of Total Destruction

Scientists of all major world powers today announced that rapidly-escalating global wars and devastating climate changes are threatening our entire planet with imminent total destruction! Current reports estimate every living thing on earth may perish within the next 24 - 48 hours. More on this as it develops.

Scooter peace out.

Romney Lashes Out At Dems

NASHUA, N.H. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took aim at Democratic rivals on Sunday, calling them all unprepared to lead the country and comparing Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's economic plan to that of Socialist Karl Marx. He said, "Outside of Obama selling drugs or Clinton prostituting herself at the docks,  not one of the three Democratic front-runners has ever run a business. How do these slackers propose to run a country?"

Taking aim at Clinton, Romney told reporters, "She said we have been an on-your-own society. She said it's time to get rid of that and replace that with shared responsibility and we're-in-it-together society." Raising his voice, he said, "She's nothing more than Karl Marx with huge calves. Heck, if Hillary grew her beard out, she'd even look like him."  When Clinton was told of his remarks, she shot back, "Oh, screw him. I'd rather be a commie than a cultist any day."

Romney's remarks toward Edwards where just as pointed: "As far as John Edwards is concerned, America is not ready for a transsexual in the White House." He continued, "I'm not saying John doesn't have balls, he does. Unfortunately they're connected to his wife." This morning Edward's wife replied, "Calling my husband names simply because he's extremely effeminate is disgusting, even for a deluded polygamist like Romney."

This election promises to be exciting.

Scooter peace out.

Hillary/Pentagon Rumble

WASHINGTON - Yesterday Defense Undersecretary Eric Edelman blasted Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) for her demands that the Pentagon prepare plans for withdrawal from Iraq. In his July 16 letter he wrote, "Any person smarter than a piece of cheese would realize premature and public discussion of the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq reinforces enemy propaganda." He went on, "Instead of pretending we're all on the same team, maybe it's time for Senator Clinton to grab her Quron, grow out her beard, and strap on that bomb vest. She could hook up with Reid and Pelosi - they'd be like a little sleeper cell. Then we'd kill them."

In response to Edelman's comments, Clinton issued this statement: "To suggest that drafting a plan of withdrawal gives hope to the enemy is ridiculous. I support our troops, and only want to bring them safely home before they are completely defeated by a brave group of freedom fighters backed by God." Her statement concluded: "Your remark comparing my fellow Democrats and me to terrorists is unconscionable. Given the chance, we would gladly saw your head off."

That's today's top story. Enjoy your weekend!

Scooter peace out.

Bill Clinton Rebukes Elizabeth Edwards

This morning on ABC's 'Good Morning America', Bill Clinton responded to Elizabeth Edwards' comments that Hillary Clinton feels she has to "behave as a man." He said, "I don't think she's trying to be a man. I don't think it's inconsistent with being a woman that you can also be knowledgeable on military and security affairs, and be strong when the occasion demands it." He added, "Also, lots of women have penises."

Later in the interview, when asked what he thought Edwards' motivation was in painting Hillary as "manly," Bill said, "It's probably not her fault - compared to her husband, just about anybody looks manly." The former President went on, "All I can say is: DNC cocktail party, 1999, cloak room. I think Elizabeth knows what a real man is." At this point Hillary abruptly left the set, and the segment ended.

This Edwards/Clinton slap-down is getting good.

Scooter peace out.

Senate Slumber Party!

In a dramatic all-night session, the Democrat-led Senate debated the upcoming Iraq war troop withdrawal vote, did each other's hair, made brownies, and played "Truth or Dare."  "We have to get us out of this war" Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) said while waxing Harry Reid's (D-Calif) bikini. At one point during the night, order had to be called when Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) couldn't stop giggling after drinking too many root beers. Republicans called the session a "pathetic juvenile stunt" but seemed to enjoy themselves, especially when John Kerry (D-Mass) took a knee to the nuts during a spirited game of "Twister" with John McCain (R-Az).

Obama, Edwards Promise Universal Coverage For Abortions

WASHINGTON -- Elizabeth Edwards said Tuesday that her husband's health-care plan would provide insurance coverage for abortion. "It's every woman's right to have her unborn child ripped apart and sucked into a bucket, and it's the privilege of all Americans to pay for it" said the candidate's wife, a proud mother of three. Edwards joins Barack Obama (D-Ill) in advocating universal health care coverage for abortions. Obama recently said, "The only way to improve the health of Americans, especially the poor, is to actively promote the killing of their unborn children." Thank God we've got a political party watching out for our disadvantaged.

Scooter peace out.