Scooter's Report

Harry Reid All About Compromise

LAS VEGAS - Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said he is now willing to compromise on his demand U.S. military forces withdraw from Iraq this spring.

Reid acknowledged that his previous firm demand for a spring withdrawal deadline had become an obstacle for the few Republicans who had also embraced defeat. "I don't think we have to think that our way is the only way," Reid said of specific dates during an interview in his office here. "I'm now proposing we surrender but leave the troops over there for awhile. It's a win-win for both political camps."

Sen. Dick Lugar, one of the Republicans calling for retreat, voiced cautious support for Reid's proposal: "I love the idea of surrender, but would want assurances our troops would not be required to leave on any particular date."

Commentary: There is clearly a new spirit of non-partisan cooperation in our government, and it's a beautiful thing.

My Exclusive Interview With Senator Craig

Boise, Idaho - Since reports of Sen. Larry Craig's (R-ID) arrest and guilty plea in connection with a gay sex sting, he has been in seclusion. Now Sen. Craig has agreed to discuss the incident exclusively with Scooter's Report:

SR: Thank you for taking time out of your formally busy schedule to talk with us, Senator.

Craig: You're welcome Scooter, it's my pleasure to set this story straight with the American public.

SR: Okay, let's discuss what happened at the Minneapolis airport last June 11.

Craig: Well, I was traveling and had the sudden urge to "drop the kids off at the pool."

SR: So you needed to number two?

Craig: Yes. So I went into the men's restroom and entered a stall.

SR: Senator, what about the reports you peered into the stall where the officer was?

Craig: I did briefly check the adjoining stall for terrorists, as I think anybody would. The Homeland Security Advisory System Threat Level was "Yellow: significant threat of terrorist attack."

SR: Understood. So you sat down on the toilet in your stall, then what happened?

Craig: I did my business.

SR: The arresting officer said you tapped your foot, then slid it under the partition, touching his foot.

Craig: Look, I've got a medical condition that I've been trying to keep private. I have "Jimmy legs."

SR: Spastic jumpy legs you can't control?

Craig: Yes. I've got an especially bad case of Jimmy legs, and sometimes they go all over the place and I can't do anything about it.

SR: And did you wave your hand under the stall partition?

Craig: It was more like attempting to fan fresh air into my stall, I was dying in there. I knew I shouldn't have had all those oyster/bean burritos and beers the night before.

SR: So you were fanning, not groping?

Craig: Yes, fart fanning.

SR: Senator, please move your foot.

Craig: Damn these Jimmy legs!

SR: Senator, please stop.

Craig: Oh no, now I've got Jimmy hands!

SR: This interview is over.

Katie Couric To Report From Iraq

NEW YORK (AP) - Katie Couric plans to leave Wednesday for an ambitious reporting trip to Iraq —the CBS anchor's first time in the war zone—in anticipation of a crucial military report on progress of the American effort.

Since Couric took over the anchor position at CBS Evening News, ratings have plummeted, leading to speculation she would be fired but for her long-term contract. "I'm not going anywhere, I don't care what the ratings do," the spunky Couric remarked when recently questioned about the newscast's rocket-sled ride to ratings Hell.

Reportedly, CBS is sending Couric alone into Sadr City to seek out stories and hopefully interview fiery cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, leader of the Mehdi Army. For her protection she will be fitted with U.S. Marine combat fatigues, an M-16 assault rifle, and carry press credentials identifying her as a non-combatant.

Commentary: This should make for dramatic reporting and can't help but prop up the ratings. However, I can't help but question whether this thing was really that well thought out. We'll see.

Senator Pleads Guilty, Claims Innocence

U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in Minnesota this month after being arrested by a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

Craig denied the police account of what occurred and said he erred in pleading guilty. "At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions," he said in a statement Monday afternoon. "I admit I was greased-up, naked, and dangling my genitals beneath the stall partition, but who hasn't done that?"

Response to the story on Capitol Hill was cool, although Democrat Barney Frank warmly offered Craig encouragement as well as a personal invitation to join his party. Whether Frank was referring to 'party' in the political sense was unclear.

Gonzales Quits

While I didn't have time to read this story on the Drudge Report, I am saddened that this popular character would be stepping down after all these years.

Long regarded as the "fastest mouse in Mexico," Speedy Gonzales has been tirelessly pursued for over 50 years by a cat named Sylvester, and this fact no doubt contributed to his decision to retire.

Commentary: I will personally miss Gonzales, especially when he's running really fast and yelling "ARRIBA ARRIBA ANDELE ANDELE!!" That was cool.

Lohan To Do Hard Time

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif - Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.

Upon hearing her sentence the troubled star fell to her knees, screaming hysterically "OH MY GOD NO NO NO NOOOOOOO! Onlookers say guards then dragged Lohan from the courtroom as she screamed for her mother.

Michael Vick To Plead Guilty

RICHMOND, Va - Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will not admit to killing dogs or gambling on dog fights, as detailed in his indictment, when he enters a guilty plea in a Richmond, Va., federal court Monday. Instead, Vick will plead guilty to one count of "conspiracy to commit rough petting," which carries a potential sentence of up to 2 hours in jail and 4 hours of community service.

Nicole Richie Completes Sentence

LOS ANGELES - Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday after serving 82 minutes of a four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

The reality show star emerged from jail sporting several crude tattoos, and noticeably stronger due to her lifting weights in confinement. While reports Richie dated a fellow inmate where not confirmed, sources in the Sheriff's Office claim the celebrity did get engaged while in jail.

Upon being released, Richie said, "It's so great to breathe fresh air and experience freedom. Now I have to readjust to life on the outside - it'll be hard."

Iran Develops Smart Bomb

TEHRAN - Iran has developed a 2,000-pound (900 kg) “smart bomb”, official media quoted a Defense Ministry statement as saying on Wednesday, in the latest announcement from Tehran about progress regarding military hardware.

The guided bomb, named Qased (Messenger), was developed by specialists within the ministry and is now operational, IRNA news agency said, adding it could be dropped from F-4 and F-5 jets, if they can get any of them operational.

An unidentified source within Jane's Defense Weekly says the new weapon is actually a standard 900 kg bomb fitted with a little seat and joystick: "It's like a semi-controllable suicide bomb. The first models didn't have a seat belt, and the "smart" just fell off. Now with a seat belt the bomb stays smart all the way down, although still not very accurate."

Bin Laden Still Alive

PAKISTAN - A top Taliban commander said Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden is alive and well. "All praise be to Allah, he is healthy and living with his close friend in the mountains," the commander Mansour Dadullah said in a video interview, according to a transcript of the video's English subtitled translation, released Tuesday by the analyst IntelCenter.

Supporting this report is an Al Jazeera video dated June 15, 2007, showing Bin Laden and an unidentified man analysts claim may be his "partner." The video shows Bin Laden and the man speaking in a cave, as well as walking hand in hand through a field of flowers, laughing and occasionally embracing.

Commentary: If the Democrats were running this country, this guy would be already dead. Bush sucks.

Hillary Claims Surge Working, Calls For Retreat

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - New military tactics in Iraq are working but the best way to honor U.S. soldiers is "by bringing them home," Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton told war veterans Monday.

Clinton, seeking the Democratic nomination for president, praised the work that soldiers have done in Iraq but said, "We are in danger of making real progress, and need to get out of there." While several veterans offered polite applause, most got up and left.

Later the Veterans of Foreign Wars were told by Sen. John McCain, who is seeking the GOP nomination, that withdrawing from Iraq would be a historic mistake — far worse than previous U.S. missteps in the country. "I don't know what Hillary is thinking, but only a retarded crack addict would call for our troops to retreat when they're winning," the Senator said to enthusiastic applause.

Commentary: What is with these Republicans always thinking we have to win everything? Hillary is correct in calling for our retreat before we come off as overbearing to the rest of the world.

Illegal Activist Deported LOS ANGELES - Illegal immigrant Elvira Arellano has been deported to Mexico after taking refuge in a Chicago church for a year, the church's pastor said.  Rev. Walter Coleman, pastor of Adalberto United Methodist Church, said, "Thank God she's left. It's pretty hard to hold worship services with some chick laying around half naked, talking on a cell phone and watching Jerry Springer." Arellano became an activist and a national symbol for illegal immigrants as she defied her deportation order and spoke out from her religious sanctuary. She held a news conference last week to announce that she would finally leave the church to try to lobby U.S. lawmakers for change, and "to get the hell away from these boring gringo Bible-thumpers." "She has been deported. As of this morning she was in Tijuana," said Coleman, who said he spoke to her on the phone. "She was in good spirits and looking forward to our dinner meeting tonight in San Diego." When asked if Arellano would be taking refuge in Coleman's church again, the Reverend said she could "if she coughs up some rent."