Scooter's Report

Ahmadinejad and Chavez Get Closer

CARACAS, Venezuela - After being vilified during his U.N. visit this week, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traveled to Venezuela to meet his close friend and fellow America-hater, President Hugo Chavez.

"Together we are surely growing stronger, closer, more attuned to each other's feelings and needs, and in truth no one can defeat us," the Iranian leader said through an interpreter.

Chavez tenderly embraced the Iranian leader, calling him "one of the most daring and handsome anti-imperialist fighters" and "one of the spunkiest leaders for true peace."

Chavez said he was proud of Ahmadinejad's courage while under hostile questioning at New York's Columbia University. "An imperial spokesman tried to disrespect you, calling you a cruel little tyrant, which, while true, was extremely rude. You responded with the greatness of a revolutionary - strong yet sensitive, firm yet tender, petite yet well-muscled. I got chills."

Commentary: Sometimes you see two people just meant for each other, and it's a beautiful thing.

Edwards Attacks!

HANOVER, New Hampshire - Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards, a distant third place in most national polls and needing a breakthrough performance, led a blistering attack against Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) at Wednesday's Democrat debate on the campus of Dartmouth College.

Drawing on his skills as an accomplished personal injury attorney, Edwards accused Clinton of "deliberately facilitating a war that causes cruel and unnecessary physical and emotional distress on innocent individuals on both sides of the conflict." He then demanded Clinton pay one billion dollars "to cover the aforementioned pain and suffering plus reasonable legal expenses."

Sen. Clinton responded by grabbing her crotch and saying, "I've got your legal expenses right here, ambulance-chasing girly-boy," to peels of laughter from the audience and fellow candidate Barack Obama (D-IL).

Edwards than rushed Clinton, nearly trampling  the diminutive Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) in the process, before security staff were able to pull him away. After a brief intermission the debate resumed without Edwards, who was reportedly seen in the restroom feverishly working on his disheveled hair.

Commentary: Hillary showed who's got the stones with her vicious slap-down of Edwards. It's clearly over for him.

              Edwards attacks Clinton

Couric Explains Personal Politics

WASHINGTON DC - Speaking at the National Press Club Tuesday evening, CBS "Evening News" anchor Katie Couric pulled back the curtain on her personal views about the war in Iraq, the Bush Administration, and mindless patriotism.

Speaking of the Iraq war, the poised newswoman said, “I’ve never understood why [invading Iraq] was so high on the administration’s agenda when global warming and efforts to deny a woman's right to kill her unborn fetus are so much more threatening to our way of life."

Thanks to her many years reading teleprompters, Couric has become one of America's most intelligent sociopolitical/foreign policy experts, as well as an outspoken critic of the war. She traces her discomfort with the administration’s march to war back to the aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks.

“The whole culture of wearing those idiotic flags on our lapel and saying ‘we’ when referring to the United States made me very uncomfortable - like this awful country is better than any other. I hate that stupid flag and anybody who's proud just because he or she is an American. They're clueless morons."

Commentary: Katie Couric has certainly shown she deserves to be at the forefront of the mainline media, displaying the qualities needed to present today's stories in an unbiased, objective manner.

Iranians Condemn US Reception of Leader

TEHRAN, Iran - Iranians on Tuesday called the combative introduction of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by the head of Columbia University "shameful."

In a region where the tradition of hospitality outweighs personal opinions about people, many here thought Columbia University President Lee Bollinger's aggressive tone—including telling Ahmadinejad that he resembled "a constipated shrew in a cheap suit," —was over the top.

The chancellors of seven Iranian universities issued a letter on Tuesday to Bollinger saying his statements were "deeply shameful" and invited him to Iran. "You sh*t all over our country's leader, which just proves how vicious Americans are. When you come over here we'll saw your filthy head off with a butter knife," states the letter.

Commentary: Bollinger did impugn the Iranian president, and probably does deserve to get his head hacked off.

Pres. Ahmadinejad searching for the truth

Ahmodijang Arrives for New York Visit

NEW YORK - Iranian President Macmoodi Ahmedijeng arrived in the United States Sunday. Later, paparazzi caught the Iranian president enjoying a evening out on the town with an unidentified woman.

McMoudijan is scheduled to address the United Nations on Tuesday after a planned controversial appearance at Columbia University Monday afternoon.

Hillary Clinton: I'm "Somewhat" Lesbian!

WASHINGTON DC - During an interview with The Advocate to be published next week, Sean Kennedy, the gay magazine's news and features editor, asked the presidential candidate, "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"

People say a lot of things about me, so I really don't pay any attention to it," Sen. Clinton (D-N.Y.) replied. "But to be totally honest, every time I have relations with my husband I figure I'm having sex with at least 30 to 50 women by proxy, so technically I guess I am, somewhat."

Commentary: While this is indeed shocking, I have a feeling this is just pandering to the gay/lesbian voting bloc.

Iran Draws Up Plans to Bomb Israel

TEHRAN,Iran - The deputy commander of Iran's air force said Wednesday that plans have been drawn up to bomb Israel if the Jewish state attacks Iran, according to the semi-official Fars news agency.

"We have drawn up a plan to strike back at Israel with our bomber if this regime (Israel) makes a silly mistake," deputy air force chief, said Gen. Mohammad Alavi.

Israel responded by painting a 100-foot bullseye on the roof of their largest aircraft hanger, and sending the Iranian Air Force a map of its location and an obscene cartoon of the Prophet Mohammad.

             Iranian Bomber Wing

Jesse Jackson Says Obama Acting Too White

SOUTH CAROLINA - On a statewide tour to register new voters, Rev. Jesse Jackson sharply criticized presidential hopeful and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama for “acting like he’s white.”

Later, at a Detroit inner-city campaign stop, Obama wowed the mostly black crowd when he performed a three minute freestyle rap dressed in a shimmering green pimp suit and copious amounts of dazzling bling. When asked if Jackson's remarks had prompted the candidate's new look, Obama simply and eloquently responded, "Word, Honky."

Spector Jury Deadlocked

LOS ANGELES - On their seventh day of deliberations, jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial indicated they had reached an impasse after nearly 32 hours of discussions in a trial that produced 77 witnesses, all testifying the little weirdo had pointed guns at them.

In order to avoid a mistrial, the jury has been asked to consider whether Spector might be guilty of the lesser misdemeaner charge of "accidental bullet misplacement."

             Obama                                     Spector

Spears to Lose Temporary Custody of Kids

LOS ANGELES — Britney Spears will temporarily lose custody of her two toddler sons to ex-husband and hip-hop legend Kevin Federline, my sources tell me.

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys turned over to Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spear's excessive nudity, alcohol/drug abuse, and general skankiness.

More on this as it develops.

O.J. Arrested

LAS VEGAS - Plainclothes officers arrested O.J. Simpson on charges connected with what police described as a robbery at a Las Vegas hotel. A judge ordered Simpson be held without bail, and a court date was set for Thursday.

The seven felonies Simpson was charged with all revolve around the use of firearms, something Simpson strongly denied when questioned by reporters while being arrested: "Firearms? That's (expletive) ridiculous, everyone knows I'm a knife man."

Madonna: "I'm an Ambassador for Judaism"

JERUSALEM - Madonna toasted the Jewish new year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism," local newspapers reported Sunday.

Madonna met Peres at his official Jerusalem residence on Saturday evening and the two exchanged gifts, with Madonna giving Peres an autographed copy of her book "Sex," which depicts the singer engaging in numerous sex acts with various men, women, and objects.

In an unrelated story, tens of thousands of Jews have applied for membership in various Christian churches in the the region, resulting in a serious shortage of communion wafers.

Sally Field Censored at Emmy's

LOS ANGELES -  Accepting her Emmy on Sunday night for lead actress in a drama series, Field stumbled halfway through, lost her train of thought, broke wind, screeched at the audience to stop applauding so she could finish talking, and then was bleeped by censors as she stammered through an expletive-filled anti-war rant like a retarded crack addict.

"And, let's face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no (expletive) wars in the first place," Field said. Later when asked backstage why there would be no wars if mothers ruled the world, the feisty actress replied, "Because we don't know how to operate things like machine guns and bombers, you (expletive) moron."