Entertain Yourselves

A reader requested a blank thread so you could talk amongst yourselves while I screw off get drunk ponder my blogging future, so here you go. Enjoy!

Scooter peace out.

PS: For those of you who are socially retarded, you can just insult each other.

Comments

[Monk]

Going for an even number.

[Monk]

Going for an even number.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

After I wrote that last comment, I settled back and poured myself 6 07 seven fingers of Maryland Rye whiskey. While sipping on the third one, I remember that ol'broads name. I was Blanch (I think). Dang Scooter can you make the room stop spinning around and around.......it's making me dizzy. I think I will lay down here on the floor next to my desk, maybe that will clear my head.

later.

_____________

Scooter: Nice to see you've slowed down on the drinking, thank God for rehab!

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Dang Scooter who the heck was that impersonated Teresa, wait let me guess....your old girl frind. The one that smoked 4 packs of non-filtered Camels a day and had those ninji throwing stars on the tips of her nipples, was about 12 years old but looked closer to 63, what was her name.......Marge, Madge? Anyway it was something like that.

I'm suprised you did not ban the ol'broad for 14 years., heck she could have done serious damage to your face had you decided to try partaking of a mothers milk again.

[Teresa]

Scooter,
do you have Hygene Al's phone number or email address? I just adore that guy and can't wait to get my hot hands on his sweet buns and my hot lips on his. oolala...

Teresa

_______________

Scooter: As the real Teresa is my girlfriend, I believe you to be an imposter.
Also, I have it on good authority that Hygene Al was seriously injured or killed in a tragic accident involving a rabid sheep. Boo Hoo I say.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Well Scooter I finished stacking all the chairs on the tables, and got the joint swept and mopped, looks like all that's left is for you to turn out the lights, and lock up after you come down off your bump. It's been a hell of a ride ol'buddy, but I guess this party is over...I told you that band wasn't worth a crab....but nooooo, you just had to hire them anyway. 'OBama Lama Mama & The Sand Flea's' ghezzzzz even the name should have told you they sux'd. Mind if I pour myself one on the house before heading back to the trailer, Peace will be waiting up for me?

_________________________

Scooter: What a ride it was. Don't forget to clean the bathrooms.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

BREAKING NEWZ TO SMELLY FOR MSM
by STARVING CUB REPORTER
Wm H

The Poop on the First Americans

If you think creationists and evolutionary biologists can’t stand one another, spend some time—about three minutes will do—with scientists who study the first Americans.

The old guard has for years defended the dogma that the so-called Clovis people, whose artifacts have been dated at 13,000 years old, are the rightful owners of that honor. Their challengers (who call their opponents the “Clovis police”) keep presenting evidence for older settlements, such as those at Meadowcroft in Pennsylvania, Topper in South Carolina, Scooter in Berkeley (by the way, pot seed and stems were found in a sample of his poop, guess he liked brownies made from pot), and Monte Verde in southern Chile, which contains artifacts dated to 14,000 years ago. Now comes what some anthropologists are calling the most convincing evidence to date of an earlier settlement of America: feces.

Fossilized feces (doodoo for you public scool drop outs), to be exact. Called coprolites, they were discovered in caves in south-central Berkeley in 2002 and 2003. The oldest of the droppings have been carbon-dated to about 14,340 years old, the scientists report in a paper published online this afternoon in Science—more than 1,000 to 1,400 years older than the generally-accepted age of the Clovis culture. And a genetic analysis finds that they contain mitochondrial DNA unique to present-day North American Indians—persuasive evidence that the legendary walk on a land bridge across the Bering Strait took place some 1,000 years earlier than the old school insists.

Assuming the report is right (there is some muttering that the feces are canine, and that the human DNA means the dogs ate people—but people would still have to have been in or near that cave to become dinner), it raises a question even more intriguing than when the first Americans arrived—namely, how. It has long been assumed that people from Siberia walked across to America and then continued inland and south only when the glaciers retreated. But “our findings show that there were people south of the ice cap several hundred years before the ice-free corridor developed. The first humans either had to walk or sail along the American west coast to get around the ice cap,” says Eske Willerslev of the University of Copenhagen, an expert in ancient DNA—that is, “unless they arrived so long before the last ice age that the land passage wasn’t yet blocked by ice.”

If they were indeed sailors, that would explain how they managed to reach points south, including Monte Verde, so quickly. And it paints a portrait of the first Americans as much more sophisticated than mere pedestrians.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Dang you Scooter, you know I wanted that document.

You just had to show off in front of your ol'fat girl friend Teresa and outbid me by $0.17 cents more then I had left from my last bank job, and win the auctiont. I'll not soon forgive you.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080403/ts_alt_afp/ushistorypoliticsauctionlincoln_080403181052

___________________

Scooter: As appreciating the letter in question would require the ability to read, I seriously doubt you were trying to buy it.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

BREAKING NEWZ
by Smooth Operater Cub Reporter
Wm H

To all my fans and admires here here at Scooter's Report.

Although Scooter tried to bury this news on the back page next to an article by Martha Stewart 'Garlic, it's not just for breakfast' or some such crap. I believe you have to right to know whenever corruptions is going on in the Government.

obama: I'm gonna suc up to Al Bore and offer him a big fat paying job.

WALLINGFORD, Pa. - Sen. Barack Obama said Wednesday he would give Al Gore, a Nobel prize winner, a major role in an Obama administration to address the problem of global warming.

http://green.yahoo.com/news/ap/20080402/ap_on_el_pr/obama_gore.html

See there, what did I tell you about obama hussen, and al bore? They hate me because I used 4 dozen small 150 watt light bulbs to decorate my xmas tree last year.

________

Scooter: Leave Hussein alone. Just believe.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

EDITORIAL
by Wm H
ACE Hot Shot Report

obama SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR INSULTING MILLIONS OF ARMED CITIZENS

BELLEVUE, WA – Democrat barack HUSSEN obama on Tuesday insulted millions of legally-armed American citizens when he told a Pennsylvania newspaper that concealed carry poses a threat to innocent people, and he should immediately apologize for that remark, the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms said today.

Senator obama, quoted by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, admitted, “I am not in favor of concealed weapons. I think that creates a potential atmosphere where more innocent people could (get shot during) altercations.”

American citizens have been responsibly carrying concealed handguns for years in 48 states. These citizens go through background checks, and in some states complete required training courses. Statistically, these armed citizens are far less likely to ever be involved in a crime than average citizens. They have stopped crimes. They have sometimes aided police officers.

Senator obama, should not confuse legally-armed, law-abiding Americans with inner-city thugs, gang-bangers and other criminals who carry guns illegally. Thanks to a revealing 1996 questionnaire bearing Mr. obama’s handwriting from his days as a candidate for the Illinois Senate, it’s clear he has the good guys confused with the bad guys.”

That controversial questionnaire, which obama originally claimed he never saw, contained answers to questions that indicates he opposes capital punishment and criminal prosecution of juveniles as adults, is against mandatory sentencing and supports “alternative sentencing.” He supported a ban on handguns and semiautomatic sport-utility rifles, and mandatory waiting periods before Americans could exercise their constitutional right to own a firearm.

barack hUSSEN obama ignorantly believes that legally-armed Americans are as reckless and irresponsible as the criminals with whom his political sympathies evidently lay, He has been insisting for months that he supports the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, but here he is now campaigning in Pennsylvania, stating essentially that he would prefer Americans not exercise that right.

Legally-armed citizens are also voters, mr. Obama, and you have outrageously insulted every one of us. You owe these good citizens, and I an apology.

You better believe will remember you ass in November.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Wm H --ACE Cub Reporter

Pastor Manning "OBAMMA THE GREAT WHITE HOPE''

http://amazinglyenough.blogspot.com/search/label/Politics

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

BREAKING NEWS!!
Wm H
Smartass Cub Reporter

Obama heals hundreds
http://www.larknews.com/march_2008/index.php

AUSTIN ­ Ginny McCallum, 43, who has been confined to a wheelchair for much of her adult life, came to hear presidential candidate Barack Obama speak at the University of Texas. Afterward she found herself in a wheelchair access breezeway as Obama and his entourage exited the arena. The candidate spotted her, came over, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She found herself standing for the first time in eleven years.

"He smiled at me and said, ‘Yes, you can,’" she says. "I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do."

McCallum is among hundreds of people who say they have been healed by the Democratic candidate, in one of the most surprising and little-acknowledged aspects of his campaign. Reporters have shied away from the story, chalking it up to "Obama-mania" and people’s feelings of elation.

"We don’t talk about it a lot, but yeah, it does happen," says one staffer who says he has seen multiple people healed on a rope line. "We don’t know exactly how or why it’s happening, and the Senator won’t talk about it. He usually insists that people keep it quiet and just report it to their pastor or priest."

Greeting supporters after a rousing speech in Houston, Obama stepped into the dense crowd and spontaneously began touching people: a legally blind woman, a man deaf in one ear, a cancer sufferer and a lame man.

"Yes, you can," Obama said as he laid hands on afflicted bodies.

The people’s reactions were so joyous as to be almost frightening. They jumped and shouted and wept. Before they could thank or embrace the candidate he was well down the rope line healing others. Their excitement was lost in the general din of the crowd.

Aides acknowledge that the phenomenon is occurring with greater frequency. "His power goes beyond simple inspiration," says one aide. "There is something developing here that I’m not sure any of us fully understands."

They say Obama has told them privately that his time has not yet come, so it would be inappropriate to talk about the healings right now. He says he will wait until the convention to speak publicly about the "special calling" he believes he has to lead the country. They do expect him to start alluding to "the providential nature of what is happening on the campaign trail" in an upcoming address, mostly because word is getting around.

People have begun bringing relatives by the score to campaign events in hopes of a healing touch.

"It’s not the speeches that are drawing people anymore, as good as they are," says a senior staff member. "It’s people wanting to get better, and wanting their friends and relatives to get better. It’s the belief that there’s something more here."

___________________

Scooter: Yet again you disparage our country's best hope for CHANGE with more purloined text. You're hopeless.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Obama Dancing To Big Oil Music
Saturday, March 29, 2008

New Obama Ad Falsely Claims He Does Not Accept Money From Oil Companies
Phil Singer, Deputy Communications Director: "It's unfortunate that Senator Obama is using false advertising to explain why he can be trusted to do something about energy prices. Senator Obama says he doesn't take campaign contributions from oil companies but the reality is that ExxonMobil, Shell and others are among his donors. I wonder if they'll fix the ad."

A new ad by Sen. Obama http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/caitlinharvey/gGBNSH running in Pennsylvania falsely claims that Sen. Obama does not accept money from the oil industry. In the ad, Sen. Obama says, "I'm Barack Obama and I don't take money from oil companies or lobbyists and I won't let them block change anymore."

According to the Center for Responsive Politics, Sen. Obama has received over $160,000 from the oil and gas companies. Two major bundlers for his campaign --George Kaiser [Tulsa, Oklahoma] and Robert Cavnar are oil company CEOs. Sen. Obama has accepted money from Exxon, Shell, BP, Chevron and just about every other major oil company. Just last month, Sen. Obama accepted another $8,400 from ExxonMobil, $12,370 from Chevron and $6,500 from British Petroleum.

In 2005, Sen. Obama voted for the Dick Cheney energy bill, which was written in secret with the oil industry. Hillary Clinton opposed Cheney's energy bill, has a plan to eliminate oil industry tax breaks, and would require oil companies to contribute to a $50 billion strategic energy fund to jumpstart research and investment in clean energy technologies.

__________________

Scooter: ALL LIES, you're just afraid of change.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Hi everyone!

It`s me JP, webmaster of http://www.milblogging.com/

As many of you know, I`m a member of Bad Voodoo Platoon and I"m currently deployed in support of OIF.

Over the last year, several of us including fellow military blogger Toby Nunn, have been videotaping our experience. Deborah Scranton (The War Tapes) has made a film for FRONTLINE called Bad Voodoo's War that will be airing on April 1st. The details are below:

BAD VOODOO`S WAR
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
9 P.M. (check local listings)

In June 2007, as the American military surge reached its peak, a band of National Guard infantrymen who call themselves "The Bad Voodoo Platoon" was deployed to Iraq. To capture a vivid, first-person account of the new realities of war in Iraq for FRONTLINE and ITVS, director Deborah Scranton The War Tapes created a "virtual embed" with the platoon, supplying cameras to the soldiers so they could record and tell the story of their war. The film intimately tracks the veteran soldiers of "Bad Voodoo" through the daily grind of their perilous mission, dodging deadly IEDs, grappling with the political complexities of dealing with Iraqi security forces, and battling their fatigue and their fears.

Watch a preview now at: www.pbs.org/frontline/badvoodoo

You can also visit the PBS pressroom for press release and photography.
www.pbs.org/pressroom

Online starting April 1.

Keep in mind, if you intend to respond to this e-mail, please write back to me at (I'm currently in the process of transferring email accounts, but until I do, the best place to reach me for now is milblogging@gmail.com

Oh yeah, when I get back Stateside I'm gonna kick Scooter's butt for disrecpecting my a fellow wat hero who was awarded a chest full of fruit salad for single handedly scaring the pot bellyed commie Krusheff so bad he never launched a missle attack on the good ol'U.S. of A. back during the Cuba missle crises.

O'yeah, I ain't don't give a rats behind if Scooter does know Joe Jitsue and Twa Tac Doodoo.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

WHAT?? After all the good things I said about yu'mama obama in my previous comment/post (whatever) why are you accusing me of besmirching (HA! bet you thought I did not know what that meant, well collage boy I looked it up in my dictionary)

It is hard to believe he yu'mama obama) and John McCain are distant kinfolks. Maybe McCain will offer him Cheney's old office next year.

WoW! that hurt (just had another one of my fantastic ideas) Scooter I bet you could hire Cheney to write for Scooter's Report, he'll be looking for work anyway shortly after November.

______________

Scooter: Maybe I will.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change. "The need for change is stronger and more urgent than ever before. And only you—the people standing here today, and indeed all the people of this great nation—only you can deliver this change."

Enlarge Image
The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met.
It is estimated that, to date, the black man has asked every single person in the United States for change.

"I've already seen this guy four times today," Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. "Every time, it's the same exact spiel. 'I need change.' 'I want change.' Why's he so eager for all this change? What's he going to do with it, anyway?"

After his initial requests for change, the black man rambled nonstop on a variety of unrelated topics, calling for affordable health care, demanding that the government immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, and proposing a $75 billion economic stimulus plan to create new jobs.

"What a wacko," Schaumburg, IL resident Patrick Morledge said. "And, of course, after telling us all about how he had the ability to magically fix everything, he went right back to asking for change. Typical."

"If he's really looking for change, he's got the wrong guy," Morledge added.

Reports indicate that the black man has been riding from city to city across the country, asking for change wherever he goes. Citizens in Austin, TX said they spotted the same guy standing on the street Friday, shouting far-fetched ideas about global warming. Cleveland residents also reported seeing him in a local park, wildly gesticulating and quoting from the Bible. And last week, patrons at the Starlight Diner in Cheyenne, WY claimed that the black man accosted them while they were eating, repeatedly requesting change.

"I saw him walk in and I knew he was headed straight for our table," said mother of three Gladys Davies. "He just stood there smiling at us for a while, and asked how our food tasted. Then he went and did the same thing at the next table over. The nerve of some people."

Those who encountered the black man Tuesday said he engaged in erratic behavior, including pointing at random people in the crowd and desperately saying he needs their help, going up to complete strangers and hugging them, and angrily claiming that he is not looking for just a little bit of change, but rather a great deal of change, and that he wants it "right now."

"I'll be honest, when that black guy said he would 'stop at nothing' to get change, it kind of scared me," local mechanic Phil Nighbert said. "Just leave me alone."

Though many were taken aback by the black man's brazen demands, some, such as Jackson, MS's Holly Moser, sympathized with him. She gave the black man credit for boldly standing up and asking every last person around him for change.

"I told him I'd give him some if I saw him later, even though I probably won't," Moser said. "Very nice man, though."

Most, however, ignored his requests.

"I'm a hardworking American who pays his taxes, and the last thing I need is some guy on the street demanding change from me," said William Overkamp, a Springfield, IL gun-shop owner.

He added, "What he really needs is a job."

______________

Scooter: Oh, I see, you're (or rather the person who actually wrote this) besmirching Barrack Hussein. That's not going to fly around here.
We want change. We need change. Change is what we've got to have.
I'm this close to banning you till you change. You've been warned.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Recently I was contacted by some jerk from the NDC and asked if I could post an ad for Ya'mama Obama on Scooter's Report. Sure I said, no problem, he's desprate for meaningless dribble......but the money has to be right if I'm gonna filthy my hands with liberal crap. (the money was very right-2 figures a hooker, and a bottle of Mid-Night Madness after shave)

A Paid Political Announcement ~ By Sen. Barrack Obama (D-IL)

My fellow Americans,

As your future president I want to thank voters of all political stripes for their mindless support, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's ties with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, and my blatantly liberal voting record while I present myself as some sort of bipartisan agent of change.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behaviour somehow qualifies me for the presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political chicanery.

I would also like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr., they both slept with Marilyn, and Teddy's negligence caused the death of a young girl. I'm not going anywhere near the Kennedy cousins, especially Michael Skakel.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. White people who vote for me get some relief from their racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think. Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain and open up the heart.

So when you go to vote in the primaries, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.

Thanking you in advance.

Barack
-------------------

'Im not a "Black Separatist", Im just a member of a "Black Separatist" church.' Barack Obama
-------------------
My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.' Barack Obama

_______________________

Scooter: While I would normally ban you for posting stolen content on my serious news site, in this case I applaud you for getting the word out on my main man, Barrack Obama.
Now the two people who for some reason continue to read these inane comments will know what Barrack Hussein stands for, and that is CHANGE.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Archaeologists and Anthropologists at a joint dig in the Sierra Nevada mountain range west of San Francisco, California have discovered a new sub-species of human being. Preliminary carbon dating of the fossilized remains and dating of the source material found with the body place the age of the skeleton at about 150,000 years B.C. (before the age of Homo Sapiens Neanderthalus, more commonly known as Neanderthal Man).

Dr. Lawrence Mead of Stanford University, the team heading up the dig, has decided to name his primary specimen Scooter (a reference to the famous "Lucy" skeleton discovered by Dr. Louis Leakey). He has also given the remains the temporary designation of Homo Limpristus due to the slight curvature of the arm bones (including the ulna).

A second male, found buried in the clay at the same sight, though not as well preserved, has simply been named "Clay." The two bodies were wrapped together, suggesting that they were either buried together or killed at the same time while together and covered by some natural cause (flooding, earthquake, volcanic activity, etc.).

Homo Limpristus was civilized enough to wear clothing, as leather fibers were discovered with the skeleton. The shape of the jaw and teeth suggest that they would speak with a lisp. Dye fragments with the fossilized remains suggest that they painted their nails and possibly clothing (the color was a light reddish hue that could almost be described as pink). Other items found near the bodies suggest that the proto-human carried something resembling a purse that was made from animal skins. Inside of the bag were found necklaces made of bead and bone, suggesting that the Homo Limpristus decorated themselves in this way also (Note: Anthropologists have not determined if these had a religious significance or were just ornamental.

Scientists have yet to determine what made the species die out and may not determine this until they find more fossil evidence.

Homo Limpristus joins the other species that were thought to bring the evolution from ape to man. These begin with Ramapithicus and Sivapithacus and move through the Australeopiticenes to Homo Habilus, Homo Erectus, and Homo Sapiens Neanderthalus to Homo Sapiens Sapiens (modern man).

_____________

Scooter: Oh very funny. I wonder who you stole this story from?

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

BREAKING NEWS~TO HOT FOR THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER~
THIS ACE CUB REPORTER (unlike Scooter) BELIVES YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW, EVEN IT IF IS TOTALLY BS!

Sat Mar 22, 8:25 AM ET

Flakey sale nets Virginia sisters $1,350
CHICAGO - Two sisters from Virginia sold their Illinois-shaped corn flake on eBay Friday night for $1,350.

To see photo got to Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080322/ap_on_fe_st/odd_illinois_corn_flake

"We were sitting around smoking a big bunt and watching all those fools bid hundreds of dollars on one frigging corn flake and laughing our butts off, but then the biddding hit the thousand dollar mark and we started biting our nails all the way up to the finish, seeing what would happen," said Melissa McIntire, 23. "There's a lot of relief involved."

The winner of the auction, which lasted more than a week, is the owner of a trivia Web site who wants to add the corn flake to a traveling museum.

"We're starting a collection of pop culture and Americana items," said Monty Kerr of Austin, Texas. "We thought this was a fantastic one."

Kerr owns TriviaMania.com and said he will likely send someone to Virginia to pick up the flake by hand, so it won't be damaged. This isn't the first corn flake that Kerr has tried to buy. He said he purchased a flake billed as the world's largest, but that by the time it was delivered it had crumbled into three pieces.

McIntire and her sister Emily, 15, listed the corn flake on eBay last week, but eBay canceled the auction saying it violated the Web site's food policy.

The sisters restarted their Ebay auction, advertising a coupon redeemable for their corn flake, instead of the cereal itself.

The McIntires said they'll likely use the money for for some more dope and maybe drive by Scooters house so they can toss beer bottles in his yard during a family vacation.

Copycat items have popped up on eBay, including corn flakes shaped like Hawaii and Virginia. There's also been a potato chip shaped like Florida, and a corn flake shaped like Scooters right profile offered last year by that cool ACE CUB REPORTER in Oklahoma.

__________

Scooter: OK, now I know you're stealing other people's stuff and adding little bits to personalize them.
I'm adding the 14 years back to your ban and adding 12 additional. You deserve worse but since it's a holiday of some sort I'm letting you off easy.

Scooter peace out.

[Hygene Al]

There is no way the writer of this, “Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview he be a slut puppies and and she no more then an old nappy headed ho”, also wrote this, “…Scooter, who recently rejected a bid from the Hare Krishnas. "I didn't spend a month scouring dumpsters for food to be offered nothing but an emancipation from suffering through the realization of one's true nature. Do I look like a sucker?"

Either Wm has finally broken free of the various drug/alcohol addictions he has been bound by for 30 years and his mind has step into the clarity of sobriety that once possessed his mind (last experienced in early childhood, I’m guessing), or he has discovered LSD or some comparable narcotic that masks natural mediocrity and empties the soul of moral blockage and then allows demonic wisdom to channel through.

Either way, this is about the best story I’ve read here and is worthy of a Nobel Prize nomination.

HA.

Hi Teresa, I’m still thinking about you babe. Love ya!

___________________________

Scooter:

I completely agree, WmH is lifting other people's work. I'm re-instituting his full ban and adding 12 years to it.

Scooter peace out.

PS: Quit bothering my hot naked girlfriend

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Rock-Bottom Loser Receives Offers From Several Religions

Berkely, CA.—Local resident Scooter recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

"I've finally reached a point in my life where all the big religions want me," said Scooter, whose two failed marriages and mounting gambling debts have left him penniless and in a state of blind despair. "Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism—you name it, they've come to me. I have no job, no family, no direction whatsoever. So right now, I'm totally in the driver's seat."
After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two months ago, Scooter received pamphlets, letters, and VHS tapes from various religions, all urging him to join their faith.

Most deals reportedly guarantee a lifetime of salvation, with additional incentives such as entrance into paradise, the promise of a new and better life, and the ineffable reward of union with a supreme deity. Christianity emerged as an early favorite to land Scooter Tuesday, after confirming that it had offered him an eternity-length contract with a signing bonus of everlasting bliss.

Scooter, however, said he was in no rush to accept just any offer, as he expects to remain at the end of his rope for a long time.

"Obviously, I bring a lot to the table," Scooter said. "I'm a broken shell of a man with nowhere else to turn and I will believe just about anything at this point, so if a religion really wants me, they're going to have to sweeten the pot. For instance, Hinduism is promising me rebirth as a king and the unlocking of all the secrets of the universe. But at this stage, that's not enough. How about throwing in some final redemption, or a car, or complete and total spiritual transcendence?"

"You're going to have to do better than eternal life," Scooter added. "Everyone's offering that."

Scooter has been showered with gifts as the religious institutions attempt to curry favor and sway his decision. He has received a free Book Of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a 2008 wall calendar from the Christians, and was even visited at his home by two representatives from the Jehovah's Witnesses, which Scooter said was flattering, but "came off as a little too desperate."

"The Catholic Church has been wining and dining me," said Scooter, who was personally invited to attend a spaghetti supper at a local rectory last Tuesday. "If I'm getting free Italian dinners today, just think what they'll give me when I tell them that Islam is promising me lofty mansions, lush gardens, and 4,000 virgin companions in the afterlife. I'll be eating like a king!"

Scooter has recently visited a number of churches, synagogues, and tabernacles to check out the facilities and meet with members of the various belief systems. The Mormons reportedly showed great interest in Scooter, saying they would be happy to welcome him to their faith, while a Columbus-area priest is rumored to have informed Scooter that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself "loves" him.

"Not to brag, but having lost all shreds of self-worth, I'm in a position to actually turn down offers," said Scooter, who recently rejected a bid from the Hare Krishnas. "I didn't spend a month scouring dumpsters for food to be offered nothing but an emancipation from suffering through the realization of one's true nature. Do I look like a sucker?"

"And while the joy of self-possession without universal trembling is okay, I think the Jews can do better," he added. "Nirvana would be a nice start. Tell you what: Offer me nirvana, then we'll talk."

Scooter announced Tuesday that he has narrowed down his choices to three religions, but has refused to divulge which ones. Many speculate that the frontrunners are Catholicism, Buddhism, and Taoism, which has offered a comprehensive package of everything and nothing. The dark-horse Presbyterians, however, have come on strong in recent days after offering Scooter $13.75 million and a private jet.

____________________

Scooter: As much as it pains me to admit, that's a good story.
It was obviously ghostwritten by someone that doesn't suffer from your advanced alcoholism and drug abuse, but it's good nevertheless.
I'm removing 14 years from your ban.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Who you gonna vote for?

Well let me run this past you. If Ron Paul gets on the ballot, he has my vote. If not I'll hold my nose and make my X for McCain. Why is that you ask, well Yo'mama Obamma has spent to many years in bed with a racist, and can be nothing short of a brain wased bigot, as shown by his wife during one of her rants when she said
" America is mean". So he and that instagater he is married to are out. That leaves us with Billary, let me go on record. That woman is so evil, she could even make VP Cheney scream out "you's my daddy" if she ever did to hime what she has planned for the rest of us. Needless to say, I've never even considered her as an option....but if she somehow sneaks her way into the Oval Office, I feel sorry for any male intern assign to her. Unless it is Scooter.

____________________

Scooter: Only Hussein Obama can bring us true change. Vote for change or die, whitey.

Scooter peace out.

[Ace Cub Reporter Wm H]

Well I'll be hog tied, a politician tells the truth.

The thunderous applause was still ringing in his ears when the Nu Yuck state's new governor, David Paterson, told the Daily News that he and his wife cheated like the dickins on each other and many if not houndreds of extramarital affairs behind each others back.

In a stunning revelation, both Paterson, 53, and his wife, Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview he be a slut puppies and and she no more then an old nappy headed ho with both guilty of having wild and wolley intimate all night sexual marithons relationships with (many) others during a rocky period in their marriage several years ago.

In the course of several interviews in the past few days, Paterson said he maintained a relationship, of which, most often he had to pay for it (with money he stole from his wife) over the course of two or three years with "a woman other than my wife," beginning they day after their marrage.

As part of that relationship, Paterson said, he and the other woman sometimes stayed at an upper West Side hotel — the Days Inn at Broadway and W. 94th St, but often times they would go at it out back behind the dumpsters.

Ok, it's not April Fool's Day so I guess this must be true. Let's pop some more corn.

__________________

Scooter: As a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat I can tell you this news makes this man (and his wife) Presidential material in my eyes.
It's only the conservative pinheads like yourself that try to portray these people and their personal lives as somehow morally wrong. You're so judgmental :(

Scooter peace out.

[The Honorable Wm H]

That's soooooooo wrong of you Scooter. I mean like as long as we've been friends, I can't understand how you would accuse me of wanting to have sex with a commend gutter snipe like kristen. I got me some high morals and am picky as all get out who's bones I bounce on. Ask Peace, she'll tell you..once I found out she was bang'n 1st to fight and AL (gosh only knows who else), I did the respectable thing and quite trying to cop a feel off her. 1st setting off explosives under my trailer had nothing to do with it, like I said, I got me some high morals and respect for righous broads.

_______________

Scooter: I think we all know you'd bounce on the bones of just about anything that was breathing, regardless of gender, race, or breed.

Scooter peace out.

[The Honorable Wm H]

So this is Kristen.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/nyregion/12cnd-kristen.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

This is the girl who slept with Spitzer for $4,300. Ashley Alexandra Dupre. That's her name. Here's her Myspace page. She is a musician. Not a very good one, but a musician nonetheless. You can also fund her inevitable lawyer fees here by purchasing her one song for $.98. Sweet. It's a bargain; iTunes would hit you up for $.99.

If you take a look at her Myspace page, you may notice the ridiculous number of sympathetic comments.

*"Sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know why they are broadcasting your stuff all over. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else."
*"DON'T WORRY LIL SIS!!EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE!!JUST KEEP UR HEAD UP!!U KNOW WE GOT U!!"
*"What's good keep your head up sis you know we got your back all day you how we do and after this blows over we gona make a HOT song like we always do!!!!"

Uhh... am I missing something, or am I the only one realizing she's a prostitute. She is breaking the law, she is a criminal. It's not like she was raped. She wanted to do it for the money, $4,300 and that is just from one john.
She has a high cost apt. $3,500 a month, she pays more in 3 months for rent then I I get from SS in 12.
*Whoring is how she makes a living since she is to lazy to get a job.
In some countries, there's a 50/50 chance she would have been stoned or burned at the stake. America is the only place in the world where people are sympathetic to this girl.

*I don't get it.

Anyone have a pix of her without her top? Maybe that would make me feel more sympathetic towards her. a:)

_______________________

Scooter: You're just jealous you don't have sex with her, it's so obvious.

Scooter peace out.

[The Honorable Wm H]

Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt and the Pope is Pi$$ed at Scooter.

VATICAN CITY—The damage occurred when Pope Benedict XVI, who was on laundry duty, did not notice a brand new bright-red Hanes Beefy-T left in the in the Holy Whirlpool washer by none other then Scooter.

Though the discoloring of the Shroud of Turin has come as a shock to many Catholics, it is not the first time that a holy relic has been damaged. In 1983, several pieces of the True Cross were water-stained after being used as coasters during Pope John Paul II's birthday party, and in 1572, the knucklebone of St. Olaf was accidentally thrown out with a plate of half-eaten chicken wings.

In the wake of the incident involving Christ's death shroud, the Vatican has been exploring possible ways to restore the raiment back to its original color.

"We do not want to attempt to use caustic cleaning agents for fear of turning the blessed shroud an unholy bright orange," Lajolo said. "We continue to look to God for divine guidance as to the purity and virtue of using a color-safe bleach."

Read it for your selves, I got better things to do then sit here and cut&paste this crap. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75621

_________________

Scooter: I know for a fact this is true.

Scooter peace out.

[Scooter' Conscience]

Oil has turned into liquid gold, gold is now the thing to own, the Arabs have us by the short hairs and own most the oil and half the gold, and we, the stupid masses, are leaning to electing a baby hating, ex-muslim whose middle name is Hussein and is a loyal member of a radical, white hating, tax-free "church", and Hillary, the beatable one, is getting her gigantic rear handed to her on a very big silver platter (sorry, that made even me wince), the Stock Market is as nervous as a Kennedy on Judgment Day and The Scooter Reports saws logs.

NOW IS THE TIME for all good men to come to the aid of his country.

Scooter’s Conscience

_____________________

Scooter: My conscience said all that? I've got to cut back on the caffeine....

Scooter peace out.

[Wm H]

Is this another one of your tricks Scooter? (pretending to be back and leaving comments)Leave Teresa alone and report something. I hope your happy now!! When I stoped by and seen what I thought were comments to comments, I jumped up and shouted "SCOOTER IS BACK" my neighbor banged on his wall and told me to STFU, anyway I started doing a jig, I think I throw my hip out. Oh well, until next time.

Teresha, if what Scooter said about you living with him now, IT'S OVER WITH US, YOUR HISTORY, LIKE YOU JUST BEEN DUMPED, by the cool, dashing, rich, Wm H. Oh, did I mention I've gone into busines for my self now? Yup, I'm my own boss, Started my own store on eBay, and am gonna be richer then Bill Gates someday. To bad you've lost me forever Teresha......but if you leave Scooter and come back on your hands and knees.........(maybe) I'll still extend the off to park your flip flops under my bed anytime.

_________________________________

Scooter:

Hello Wm H,

I'm not pretending to be back since I never left. Look, here I am!

Teresa says hello, and wants you to know how happy she is. I've got here cleaning the garage right now or she'd tell you herself. It goes without saying that she's living the live of luxury one would expect, being the girlfriend of a famous writer.

BTW, For Christmas I got her some breast implants, trust me when I say she makes Pamela Anderson look like a little boy :)

Scooter peace out.

[George W. Bush]

"AHMADINEJAD CALLS IRAN WORLD'S 'NUMBER ONE' POWER". I gotta disagree, that there Iranian place is number two. I've been to Iraq and have looked yonder over the border at Iran and I can tell you, it is number 2!
Without a doubt, number 2.
Not number 1.
Not number 3.
Number 2!
Yep.
If there has ever been a country that is number 2, it is Iran.
Yep, Iran is number 2.
And that there Ahmadjanni dude is king of number 2, top of the heap, a number one of number 2.
Yep, that place is FULL of number 2.
They have number 2 all over them.
In their socks, in their yurts, on their camel saddles, on their noses, in their head wraps.
It is just everywhere.
What, you ask?
Well, number 2, that’s what! They are number 2.

George W. Bush
Number One Full time President of the United States and part time Butt Kicker.

________________________

Scooter: Hello Mr. President, or should I call you Chimpy McHitler?

I don't know how you found this site, but you should know that I'm a Howard Dean Democrat and am strongly opposed to your military expansionism, as well as a bunch of other stuff.

Soon we'll be free of you, and I can't wait.

Scooter peace out.

PS: Could you send me an autographed photo?

[HygeneAl]

Hi Teresa chick, you still love me?
HA

________________

Scooter: Teresa lives with me now, and has little interest in anything that doesn't involve pleasing me - that would probably include you.

Scooter peace out.

[HygeneAl]

The moon is about to turn the color of blood.

The Democrats are getting behind a man that lives on the emotional level of about an 8th grader...whose empty ideas seem utterly beautiful and einsteinium compared to what the vaginal monologue lady has to offer.

Housing and the economy is teetering on utter disaster.

Iran is working to pave the path of the 12th Imam or some such stupid crap at any cost.

Fidel's refrigerator light is dimming.

And Scooter's Report sleeps.

The humanity.

___________________

Scooter: HA, thank you for that uplifting report!

Earlier this evening I was in a somewhat melancholy mood.
Now thanks to this little ray of sunshine you've provided, I feel an overwhelming urge to cut my head off.

Scooter peace out.

PS: Scooter's Report isn't sleeping, it's passed out.

[syncrodox]

Scooter

Thank Gia you're alive! I was so shocked when I read your recent pithy comments, I fell off my chair, spilled my Crown Royal and smacked by brainpan off the hardwood flooring.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I'd just viewed this vid ( http://www.breitbart.tv/html/48404.html ) at the Drudge thingy and had suffered a number of debilitating blows to the cranium from hysterical hyperbole.

The fog is starting to clear now.....and I think I know the way forward.

HA...or formally....Hysterics Anonymous....will be a self directed, self help, non-denominational, color blind, sexual orientation aware, bully free, equal opportunity, organization.

This couldn't take more that four or five steps.

Syncro

p.s. Hi T, 1st, WmH, Jainphx, Monk and HA

p.p.s I'm sorry HA.....No patent...no money.

[Wm H]

Hi Scooter, welcome back.

_________________________________

Scooter: Hi. I'm still gone.
Scooter peace out.

[HA]

Hi!

______________________

Scooter: Hi!

[Wm H]

Comment # 111

Yeah I got the seceret Comment number. Do you know what thet means? Yup that's right. You get to waste time reading this totally usless comment I am thinking up as I sit here bang'n away on the keyboard.

I wonder how Scooter is doing over at his new blog? He realy sucks for not coming back and giving us his new link so we could drop in on him and his new perbs and look the new digs out and maybe even leave a comment or two.

But I can undersand his reasons for not wanting us to know that he is authoring a Gay blog these days, I guess Ol'Scooter would be embarassed to let the gay community know he once associated with a bunch of Stright men and women.

Until next time, stay safe everyone. And keep leaving your comments here at Scooters deserted Report.

[Monk]

110

Alright, 110, NOT my favorite number, but I can live with it. No more comments please, PLEASE, no more comments.

Monk

[Monk]

109

[Monk]

108

[Monk]

107

compulsivedisorder532342@aol.com

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0312172/

[Monk]

106

[Monk]

105

[Monk]

104

[Monk]

103

[Monk]

NO! NO! NO! How could... why did yo...Natalie, NATALIE, grab me my wipes for this keyboard, oh and a cup of coffee, I'm going to be typing all night...NATALIE!

Monk

[HygeneAl]

WHAT??? You didn't say anything about MONEY! You leftest drive me bonkers! You paying him cash or is it some kind of membership scam? YOU DIDN'T SAY THERE WAS A CONTEST GOING!!
....HELLO....HELLO...

HA

Scooter: I think it's obvious to anyone that there would be some sort of large cash prize tied to this post.

Scooter, peace out.

PS: I decided at the last minute to also throw in a 7 day Royal Carribean cruise. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

[Monk]

I could not sleep at night knowing the comments section in the Scooters Report was sitting at "99". Please, no one else add anymore comments to this, I'm nervous enough as it is and I need my sleep.

Monk

Scooter: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Congratulations to Monk!

Who will be the next winner of $10,000 cash from Scooter's Report? Send those comments and stay tuned!

Scooter, peace out.

[Wm H]

Hi Teresa,

If you mailed my Christmas presents I have not got them yet. By the way, my birthday is coming up so if your thinking of sending me anything, I would really appreciate cash this year as I dang near out of booze.

[Teresa]

I'm starting a new campaign:
EZRA LEVANT for PM of Canada.
I'll trade 2 Clintons and a Gore for one Levant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFXJaEYyYjY

[Wm H]

Dang it HA your not suppose to warn him.

[syncrodox]

Breaking News

Hillary Clinton has proven she is not a heartless bitch. When asked a softball question about "how do you do it" she softly wept for the cameras. The media sucked it up and painted her as a martyr..well not the blowing up kind....but a martyr no less.

In totally unrelated news.... Clinton takes New Hampshire....Sympathy vote is the highest on record.

Who keeps those kind of records?

Syncro

Wake to flik up you people...I might be a Canadian but what happens in your world inevitably effects mine. I miss you Scoots.

Syncro