Scooter's Report

Millions Morn Wednesday's Horrific Event

(SR) - One of the most horrific assaults on the general public in recent memory has millions of people shaking their heads in disgust and dismay, and forevermore associating the Thanksgiving season with unparalleled pain and suffering.

We spoke with one man who was there and he described the event as "absolutely horrible, the sights and sounds were like being in Hell."

When asked how something like this was allowed to happen, a top NBC executive said, "The whole idea of "Rosie Live" was Rosie O'Donnell's. She thought reviving the variety show concept was a great idea - obviously she's a moron."

Wednesday night's premier of "Rosie Live" received a 1.2 share, officially making it the lowest-rated prime-time program on a major broadcast network.

 

     Rosie O'Donnell: "moron" (file photo)

Happy Thanksgiving from Scooter's Report!

 

              "A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving"

                       (with apologies to Norman Rockwell)

"Office of the President-elect" is Actually Bill Ayers Rumpus Room

CHICAGO (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama is increasingly trying to look like the Big Enchilada lately, appearing constantly on TV, ringed by American flags and standing behind a lectern that has a very official-looking placard announcing "The Office of the President-elect."

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as an Office of the President-elect. Our sources have discovered Obama's make-believe office is, in fact, a basement rumpus room in the Chicago home of William Ayers and his wife Bernardine Dohrn.

When asked why he had set up a fictional office in the basement of an unrepentant terrorist he earlier claimed to barely know, Obama said he had "no idea" he was in Ayers' home, saying his staff had found the office on-line at "Craigslist."

After being contacted by the Justice Department, Obama's staff has added a small disclaimer to the lectern placard.

 

           "Office of the President-elect"

Obama Economic Plan: "Throw Borrowed Money At It Until It's All Better"

WASHINGTON (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama yesterday promised to "jolt" the economy back on track by throwing massive amounts of borrowed money at it "until it's all better."

He declined to say how much the stimulus package might cost, but declared that the federal government must act "swiftly and impulsively" to hand out "as much money as we can borrow" to battle an "economic crisis of really big proportions."

Obama also cautioned against inflating the U.S. national debt, saying government must "tighten its belt" in an attempt to "lessen the certainty our grandchildren will be forced into prostitution in Saudi Arabia or building cheap lawn furniture in Chinese sweatshops."

Republicans on Capitol Hill reacted to Obama's speech by stockpiling additional food and guns in their North Dakota vacation homes.

 

                 Obama: "Must act swiftly and impulsively"

Obama and Democrats Crafting Gigantic $700B Bailout

CHICAGO (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama and other Democrats are drafting plans for a massive fiscal stimulus program that could total as much as $700 billion over the next two years.

That amount would be one of the biggest public spending programs since President Franklin Roosevelt's New Deal.

According to one senior Obama economic strategist, the money will be used to employ millions of out-of-work people to rebuild the country's infrastructure. "It'd sure be nice to have all new bridges, dams, and highways - we might as well pay all those out of work secretaries and car salesmen to build them."

Senator Harry Reid called the plan "very feasible," and pointed out that the U.S. "could recoup most of the $700B by selling all the old infrastructure to third world countries like San Juan and Australia."

Republicans quickly criticized the idea of such a vast initiative, saying Congress should instead cut taxes to spur economic growth, and calling Reid and fellow Democratic House members "the intellectual equivalent of peat moss."

   

              Congressman Reid: "Plan feasible"

Hillary To Become Secretary Of State, Bill To Be Restricted

NEW YORK (SR) - A close associate has confirmed Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat to accept the position of Secretary of State in the Obama administration.

The decision followed days of intense vetting and negotiations intended to clear any potential obstacles to her taking the job due to her husband’s insatiable horniness and propensity for sexual assault. Lawyers for Mr. Obama and former President Bill Clinton have crafted a set of guidelines for his future activities intended to avoid any appearances of impropriety should Hillary take the job.

Sources report the guidelines include restrictions on Mr. Clinton loitering in White House hallways, his possession of cigars in the White House or on its grounds, and the "release of bodily fluids" beyond White House restrooms. Also reportedly included in the guidelines are provisions for an automatic Order of Protection to be issued against Mr. Clinton prohibiting him from coming within 75 feet of President Obama's wife and daughters.

Senior Obama advisers said Friday morning that the offer had not been formally accepted and no announcement will be made until after Thanksgiving. But they said they were convinced that the alliance was now ready to be sealed.

 

         Order of Protection: 75 feet

Obama Adviser: Probably No Changes For "Four Years Or So"

CHICAGO (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama's advisers are telling the public to temper their expectations concerning what the new President will be able to accomplish.

"Look, all candidates have to promise stuff to get elected, I don't think anybody actually expects Mr. Obama to really fix the economy or create jobs," said one senior Obama adviser. "The good news is that we're pretty sure the 'raise taxes' part will happen."

Some economists say we won't be out of this for months. "This might be a long haul," said Robert Reich, part of Obama's transition team. "I don't anticipate any major changes for maybe, I dunno, four years or so."

                          "Temper expectations"

Al Gore: Mayans Killed By "Environmental Mismanagement"

NASHVILLE (SR) - The world's preeminent climatologist and inventor of the Internet, Al Gore, posted an article Wednesday claiming the Mayan civilization collapsed due to "environmental mismanagement," and warned "we need to remember the consequences to civilizations that refused to take environmental concerns seriously."

Professor Patrick Conlon of the Climatology Research Center called the news "absolutely devastating," saying, "Mr. Gore's revelation that the Mayans ruined their environment just by farting and peeing on the bushes or whatever they did, is the harbinger of doom for our modern world filled with factories, cars, and all sorts of industrial waste. We're hosed."

 

      Al Gore warns world not to follow Mayans

Al-Qaida's al-Zawahri Trades Insults With Obama!

CAIRO, Egypt (SR) - In a message posted Wednesday, Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader vigorously insulted President-elect Obama and warned him against continuing the present administration's Middle East policies.

Ayman al-Zawahri referred to Obama as a "porch monkey" and called his wife Michelle "the missing link" during the rambling 11-minute 23-second video.

Rahm Emanuel, Obama's Chief of Staff, was quick to respond to the terrorist's taunts, releasing a statement calling al-Zawahri a "sweaty cave-dwelling carpet-licker," and said President Obama would "pop a cap in yo ass" via a "drive-by with the 1st Armored Division."

In keeping with Obama's campaign promises, the statement closed on a conciliatory note, saying President Obama would be "honored" to meet with al-Zawahri "anytime, with absolutely no preconditions."

 

      Ayman al-Zawahri lays smack on President-elect Obama, wife

 

EXCLUSIVE: Oil Tanker Hijackers Are Ex-ACORN Workers!

MOGADISHU (SR) - A group of pirates hijacked a Saudi supertanker laden with an estimated two million barrels of oil Saturday, and are holding the ship for ransom in the latest in a growing number of attacks on commercial shipping in the region.

While these hijackers have been widely reported to be Somalia fishermen-turned pirates, our exclusive inside sources have learned they are, in fact, ex-ACORN workers who have adopted this line of work after losing their jobs in the U.S. after the recent elections.

"Hijacking, it's all we know," said one ex-ACORN worker, as he ransacked a cabin in the giant ship. "Votes, boats, it's all the same s**t to us."

 

             Ex-ACORN worker-turned pirate

Pelosi Services UAW With Promise to Bailout Automakers

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Saturday the House would provide billions of dollars of aid to the U.S. auto industry, requiring the industry to provide cars that are biodegradable, use no gas, and have a maximum speed of 25 MPH.

After pledging the massive taxpayer-funded bailout, Pelosi also urged the Big Three automakers to accept escalating UAW demands for paid health care and a new RV for every UAW autoworker alive, as well as the current pay structure that gives a high school dropout over $100K a year to install a piece of interior trim that will fling itself to the floor at the first minor pothole.

A UAW senior executive said Pelosi's promise to save the auto industry, was "exactly what we voted for," but some Republicans in Congress disagreed, referring to her plan as "putting the dog on life support so the tick won't die."

 

          House Speaker Pelosi pledges aid to automakers

Osama Bin Laden Alive and Worried About Obama

WASHINGTON (SR) - CIA director General Michael Hayden said yesterday that Osama bin Laden is alive and increasingly worried about what's going to happen after President-elect Barack Obama takes office.

"Osama's worried that President Obama will destroy the United States before he's had another chance," said the general.

"Bin Laden's a proud man and knows there's no honor in attacking a country that's already been financially devastated, socially splintered, pulled its troops, neutered it's armed forces, and publicly surrendered its will to fight." 

General Hayden added, "Also, the fact the President-elect has almost the same name is seen by Osama as Obama's purposeful attempt to confuse the public and dilute Osama's name recognition, something he's worked hard to build up over the years. That really pisses him off."

                      

               Osama bin Laden, poster of Obama

Ahmadinejad Shuts Down News Weekly Featuring Obama On Cover

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has shut down a Tehran news weekly that featured a smiling photograph of American President-elect Barack Obama on its front cover with the caption "Why doesn't Iran have an Obama?"

The closure of the popular reformist weekly suggests that Mr. Ahmadinejad is determined to silence his critics as he prepares for elections next June that could hand him a second-four year term.

In other news, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sporting a bold new look this morning at a press conference unveiling the theme of his new political campaign, "Changes You Better Believe In." Sources in attendance said the Iranian leader appeared "rested, tan, and confident."

 

   Iranian President Ahmadinejad sports new look

Nancy Pelosi Seeks $50B For News Company

BERKELEY - Scooter's Report (SR), one of America's premier web-based news and commentary sites, yesterday presented House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with a formal request for a $37 billion assistance package, needed to provide additional liquidity for the company.

Speaker Pelosi called the requested aid package "absolutely vital in safeguarding the viability of America's electronic media," and said she is also asking for an additional $13 billion to "even out the number and make sure they have a little extra, just in case."

C.E.O. of Scooter's Report, Scooter Van Neuter, speaking from his overwater bungalow in French Polynesia, publicly thanked Pelosi for her "diligence and steadfastness" in supporting key American industries, and expressed regret for any past SR "articles or photos that may have cast Madame Speaker in a less than favorable light."

  

        Vivacious Pelosi "steadfast"

Obamas Visit White House, Rare Items Missing

WASHINGTON (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama visited with President Bush in the Oval Office Monday, discussing a wide range of economic and national security issues.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino described the sessions as "good, constructive, relaxed and friendly," but wouldn't comment further, citing the fact that is was a private meeting.

While the President and President-elect spoke, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama spent time together touring the White House and talking about raising children. Perino said the two were very much at ease, with Mrs. Obama discussing her plans to "get rid of all the old stuff" and "go tribal in the joint," indicating her desire to decorate the White House with African accents, signifying her family's roots.

Several hours after the visit, reports came out of the White House indicating several items were missing, including an Oval Office paperweight formerly owned by President Grover Cleveland, and a silver soap dish and vase originally owned by Jacqueline Kennedy.

Press Secretary Dana Perino described the missing items as "invaluable," and asked that whoever took them to "please return them immediately, or at least by the end of the next term."

 

                    The Obamas say goodbye to President and Mrs. Bush

Farrakhan Credits His God For Obama Victory, Jews Freak

CHICAGO (SR) - Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan in an address Sunday repeatedly tied Barack Obama's election to God's will, calling the candidate's election "Divine." In addition to God, Farrakhan also gave credit to Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for laying the foundation for Obama's victory.

Unfortunately, the fact the ex-calypso singer-turned religious leader was referring to Allah (peas be up on him), the Jewish-hating god of Islam, has many Jewish Americans second-guessing their vote for Obama. "Oy vey, Farrakhan, Khalidi, Jackson, Sharpton, Ayers, Wright, Pfleger - this shvartzer's got worse friends than Hitler," said Marvin Finkelstein, a disenfranchised Obama voter.

Farrakhan said he stayed quiet about his support for Obama during the past few months out of fear his words would harm the Illinois senator's bid for the White House. "I decided it would be better for me to just be quiet rather than be drawn into the controversy that was swirling around his pastor, Father Pfleger, and others." Farrakhan then added with a smile, "I feel freer today to say the things that are in my heart - Whitey and Hymie done voted."

Described by one follower as looking like a "big tick dressed as a sultan," The 75-year-old religious leader addressed his congregation clothed in a spectacular ornate silk suit and fez.

 

                       Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan

Minnesota: Hundreds Of Votes Continue To Be Found For Franken

ST. PAUL (SR) - In the tightest U.S. Senate race in Minnesota history, the winning margin of 725 votes for Norm Coleman has suddenly decreased to 221 during the first days of a recount, due to be completed by the middle of next month.

Surprisingly, so far every single misplaced or missing vote has been for Democrat candidate and failed comedy writer/actor Al Franken, according to fellow Democrat and Secretary of State, Mark Ritchie. "It's pretty clear all the misplaced votes are for Franken. At this rate we expect him to win by a landslide in December."

The Coleman campaign has voiced objections about the recount, questioning the statistical probability that out of over 500 found votes, not one has been for the Republican candidate. They are especially upset about a block of 100 "found" votes for Franken, because the time stamp on the tape clearly shows the votes were cast on November 2, days before the election.

Ritchie was quick to defend his decision to give the 100 votes to Franken, saying that particular voting machine had fallen into a "worm hole time shift" and cautioned that "other machines containing hundreds of Franken votes may yet be found that have been affected by the same worm hole."

An attorney for Coleman called Ritchie's statements "exactly what one would expect from Al Franken's fellow party member and secret gay lover."

A Franken spokesperson denied that their candidate and Ritchie were lovers, saying the two men are "simply very close friends with many common interests."

   

                       Al Franken                                                      Norm Coleman

Markets Display Confidence in Obama by Crashing

(SR) - The stock market posted its biggest plunge in history following a presidential election, as investors displayed their confidence in President-elect B. Hussein Obama's economic strategies.

One financial analyst summed up the situation this way, "Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine Americans being stupid enough to purposely vote for their own financial destruction. I'm moving to Costa Rica."

President-elect Obama today expressed confidence that the financial markets will significantly improve when his administration raises taxes and grows the economy "from the bottom up," by giving low-income and non-income tax-paying individuals $500 checks.

"The first thing these people will do when they get their check is buy a bunch of stocks, which should make the markets go crazy," said an upbeat Obama.

In related news, IRS and Obama campaign offices have been deluged with demands by Obama supporters for the promised checks, with several Obama campaign locations reported to have been looted by angry voters seeking their money.

"I voted for Barry, now where's my f**king money, dawg?" said an angry voter, one of an estimated crowd of 200 besieging the Wichita, Kansas Obama campaign headquarters.

 

Obama voters loot office after being denied checks

Obama Set To Make His Marx On Presidency!

CHICAGO (SR) - Barack Hussein Obama was elected the nation's first almost-black president Tuesday night, amid joyous celebration by welfare recipients and college professors, and anguished dread from business owners and unborn babies.

Thousands of people thronged to Chicago's Grant Park to hear the 47-year-old Democratic senator give his historic victory speech, and perhaps score a rock and some weed for the celebration that will no doubt last all night for some, and four years for many of his supporters.

The grueling campaign pitted the young and dashing Obama, heavily promoted by the nation's major networks and newspapers, Hollywood, ACORN, Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam, many domestic and foreign terrorists, Oprah, and virtually every enemy dictator in the world, against an old cranky albino, whose name escapes me at the moment. It wasn't even close.

In the end, the Democrat's promise of handing out free money taken from rich people was simply too much to overcome for the Republicans, who's campaign obviously overestimated the public's desire to actually work for a living. Said one GOP strategist, "Damn, we wish we would have thought of that 'free money' thing first."

In related news, the prestigious Center for Global Research released a report this morning stating that new evidence confirms the long-held European belief that more than half of all Americans are "incredibly stupid and naive." More on this later.

 

         Jubilant Obama supporters celebrate victory at Grant Park

Who's It Going To Be?

 

 Hero or Zero?

 

 

   Vote your conscience, or suffer the consequences

SURPRISE! SR Daily Tracking Poll: McCain +2!

With one day remaining until the election, the Scooter's Report Daily Tracking Poll (SRDTP) shows John McCain gaining a narrow lead over Barack Obama, mainly due to McCain's increasing favor with capitalists. Meanwhile, Obama continues to remain strong with crackheads and welfare recipients.

Here are the breakdowns, as of 6:00 A.M this morning:

                                               

November 3, 2008                 Obama         McCain     Undecided

Overall                                                                                      

                                               46.9%             49%             4.1%       

Gender                                                                                     

Males                                         43%              49%             8%     

Females                                     47%              47%             6%     

Ideology                                                                                 

Capitalist                                   16%              82%             2%

Socialist                                     74%              21%             5%

Contributing to society                                                                

Employed                                   20%              77%             3%

Welfare                                     74%              22%             4%

Crackhead                                                                                

Yes                                           96%                2%              2%   

No                                              5%              92%              3%