Scooter's Report

Republican Senators Vow To Fight Pork-Laden Stimulus Bill

WASHINGTON (SR) - Angry Republican senators vowed Thursday to put up a fight against President Barack Obama's economic stimulus bill after the package passed the House of Representatives with no opposition support.

In a briefing with several of his colleagues, Republican Senator Jon Kyl called the bill "a stinking, bloated, quivering pile of liberal pork."

Kyl outlined some of the "extras" in the Democrat's bill:

• $144 million for a Che Guevara memorial in San Francisco.
• $949 million for gay, bi, and transsexual oriented preschools.
• $1.8 billion for ACORN.
• $22 million for a PBS special "Obama: The First Two Weeks."
• $437 million for the Chappaquiddick Kennedy Bridge.
• $1.4 billion for inner city mobile family planning/abortion vehicles.
• $545 million for the third world gay sensitivity series, "I Want To Bone Chico." 
• $4.25 billion for assorted "green" things.
• $776 million for a cartoon line of preteen condoms.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has promised to defend the bill, saying, "Every penny in that bill will go someplace, and that's what's important."

Democrat's proposed preteen condom 

Obama Sending Ahmadinejad Letter Of Apology, Gifts

WASHINGTON (SR) - At the direction of President Obama, the U.S. State Department is drafting a letter to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, conveying regret for past sins, and promising a new era of friendship between the two countries.

Diplomats said Obama's letter would mark a change in tone from the hostile one adopted by the Bush administration, which portrayed Iran as part of an "axis of evil"

An Obama official said the letter will praise Ahmadinejad for his "courage and righteousness," and will commit billions of dollars of U.S. foreign aid to Iran as a "symbol of America's desire to find forgiveness." 

Along with the letter, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will present the Iranian president with a new 2009 Cadillac Escalade ESV and an autographed photo of President Obama and First Lady Michelle kissing the Holy Koran while standing on a portrait of former President Bush.

Mrs. Clinton recently told a reporter, "I hope to Hell this works, we so desperately need Iran's respect."

 

Democrats Seek Millions For Sex In Stimulus Bill

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Republicans are balking at signing the Democrat's Economic Stimulus bill because it includes billions of dollars for programs and services that have "absolutely nothing" to do with economic stimulus. 

Included in the Democrats bill is $335 million for sexually transmitted disease education, $245 million for gay, bi, and transgendered nipple sensitivity studies, $48 million for third world erotic message seminars, $654 million for sexual lubricant subsidies to the poor, and $127 million for the production of midget masturbation instructional tapes and CDs.

"The Democrat bill won't stimulate anything but more government debt and maybe a few horny midgets," Representative Mike Pence of Indiana, chairman of the Republican conference, said Tuesday. "I say let the midgets figure it out on their own dime."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid defended the bill, saying their party is "all about stimulation of every kind." To emphasize their point, the two addressed reporters in their underwear.

           Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi promote their stimulus plan 

Pelosi: " Contraception Is Economic Stimulus"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for adding birth control funding to the new economic "stimulus" package, claiming "contraception will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."

When asked how spending hundreds of millions of dollars for family planning would create economic stimulus, Pelosi replied, "Well, I mean, it's so obvious - the fewer children born, the less federal assistance is required."

When a reporter pointed out that more people born ultimately equate to more jobs and thus more income taxes paid to the government, Pelosi clarified her statement, saying, "I was referring to Democrats having children."

 

     Nancy Pelosi and bong (file photo)

Obama Commits U.S. Millions To Worldwide Abortion Industry

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama signed an executive order Friday to repeal the Mexico City Policy that protected Americans from being required to fund groups that promote and pay for abortions around the globe.

The plan was originated by President Reagan in 1984. It prohibited non-governmental organizations that receive federal funds from providing or promoting abortions in other nations.

"Every American has a moral responsibility to pay for the killing of unborn babies worldwide," a grinning President Obama said after signing the bill.

Obama Inauguration Highlights

WASHINGTON (SR) - Barack Obama took office Tuesday as the 44th president of the U.S., and Scooter's Report was there. Here are what I consider to be some of the highlights of this momentous occasion:

• The Obamas each sported elaborate and dazzling custom-designed "grills" for the event, the first President-elect and wife to do so.
• Mr. Obama was sworn in on a Bible once used by Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, afterward it was found that Mr. Obama's handprint had somehow "burned" into the cover and scorched the first 50 pages. How or why this happened is not known.
• Mrs. Obama wore a beautiful designer dress that many said made her look "remarkably human and feminine."
• In what was unquestionably the most dramatic traditional first dance for a new President and First Lady, the Obamas "got down" to Hip Hop artist Master P's "Dope, Pus*y, And Money." The First Lady's spirited "booty shake" ignited the crowd while President Obama's "doggy style" showed this world leader has all the right moves.
• Poet Elizabeth Alexander's recital of her poem, "Praise Song For The Day" was one of the more memorable moments, proving to millions of children that no matter how little talent one has, it's more than enough to get you included in a presidential inauguration some day.
• In a rousing show of emotion, several times during the ceremony the huge crowd broke into chants of "Obama, Obama, Obama..." amid a haze of cannabis and crack smoke that moved many, including yours truly, to tears.

This was a grand and historic event. In spite being mugged twice and having my car stolen, I came away with memories (and scars) that will last a lifetime.

 

        President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama

January 20, 2009: America Looks To One Man

SPECIAL REPORT by Scooter Van Neuter

Today all of America looks upon a man who has literally come from nowhere to answer our highest calling. While his support has been less than unanimous, no one can deny his intellect, his drive, his passion for change, and his love of God and country.

Whether you agree with his vision or that of those who placed him in this daunting role, I call upon Americans of every color, religion, and political ideology to come together behind the man God himself has chosen to lead us into battle against the blackness that threatens to overpower us.

God bless Kurt Warner and God Bless the Arizona Cardinals to beat the Steelers!

Kurt Warner (right) and fan

Paterson To Pick Caroline Kennedy Over Rubber Dog Toy

NEW YORK (SR) - Despite claims he's still undecided, insiders claim Gov. Paterson has narrowed his pick to replace Hillary Rodham Clinton in the U.S. Senate to either Caroline Kennedy or a rubber dog toy. Several unhappy contenders for the job have told associates and friends that Kennedy will get the nod.

The contenders based their conclusion on the view that Paterson, after nearly two months of indecision, would "entirely humiliate" the Kennedy political family and even President-elect Obama by passing over President John F. Kennedy's idiot daughter for the more-qualified rubber dog toy.

"In every way, the dog toy is clearly more politically savvy than Kennedy, and God knows it would be better to look at and listen to," said one angry unnamed Democrat. "Unfortunately, the dog toy isn't named Kennedy."

As for the governor's claim to be weighing a last-minute finalist, the contenders agree with a close Paterson friend who said, "It's clear David is just trying to play mind games with the press."

   

       Rubber dog toy: "More politcally savvy"                 Caroline Kennedy: An Idiot, but still a Kennedy

Obama Credited With Saving Plane

NEW YORK (SR) - New York politicians are lauding President-elect Barack Obama as a hero Thursday night after he managed to inspire the crew of US Airways Flight 1549 to safely land their plane in the middle of the Hudson River. All 155 passengers and crew have been accounted for, according to the Federal Aviation Administration.

"We have a heroic President-elect who has given hope to an entire nation, including the crew and passengers of that plane. We've had a Miracle on 34th Street and now I believe we've had a miracle on the Hudson," Gov. David Paterson said at a joint press conference with Mayor Bloomberg on Thursday evening.

A flight attendant onboard said the pilot's last words before bringing the crippled aircraft in were, "Hey, if an ex-crackhead/socialist/pinhead can get elected President, I can land this plane in the Hudson River."

 

     President-elect Obama saves US Airways Flight 1549

13 Times In A Year - Obama Graces Cover Of TIme

 

New Bin Laden Tape Mentions Obama, Bush

CAIRO, Egypt (SR) - Al-Qaida chief Osama bin Laden has issued a new audiotape urging Muslims to launch a jihad, or holy war, to stop the Israeli offensive in Gaza. 

Bin Laden also referred to President-elect Barack Obama, saying he is a "big fan" of the "hunky Muslim brother," and expressed confidence that the new president will withdraw U.S. forces from the Middle East, and "throw Israel under the donkey cart."

In a parting shot to President Bush, bin Laden said,"The majority of the U.S. people are happy to get rid of Bush, but not half as glad as we are - it's like he installed an express elevator to Paradise for us, may Allah b*tch slap him."

  

   Osama bin Laden addresses Obama, Bush on terrorist website 

Inaugeration To Portray Obama As Lincoln

WASHINGTON (SR) - Preparations are being finalized for an Abraham Lincoln-themed presidential inauguration for Barack Obama.

From the stage backdrop, food, and even Bible used for his swearing in, the event seeks to portray Obama as a modern day Abe Lincoln.

"It's always good to model yourself after a great president," said Eric Foner, a professor of American history at Columbia University. "If you look past his crack smoking, Muslim upbringing, and being mentored by socialists and terrorists, Barack is similar to Lincoln - you know, because he's tall and skinny."

The Lincoln-fest luncheon at Statuary Hall, a chamber of the Capitol building, will serve some 200 guests, including members of the Supreme Court, the incoming Cabinet and congressional leaders.

   

 Young Abe Lincoln cutting firewood              Young Barack Obama firing crack rocks

Obama Campaign Promises: "We Can't Do Any Of Those Things"

CHICAGO (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama said reviving the U.S. economy will require scaling back on his campaign promises.

“I want to be realistic here, not everything that we talked about during the campaign are we going to be able to do on the pace we had hoped,” Obama said in an interview on ABC’s “This Week” program. “As a matter of fact, we can't do any of those things."

In the weeks leading up to his taking office, the President-elect has been increasingly downplaying expectations, but even some Democrats have expressed disappointment with Obama's apparent abandonment of his key campaign promises that included repairing the economy, shutting down the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, and subsidizing the alcohol, cigarette, and crack industries by redistributing wealth to the urban poor.

 

                President-elect Obama appearing on ABC's "This Week"

Obama Plan: Throw Borrowed Trillions Down Sh*thole

FAIRFAX, Va. (SR) - In his first speech since the election, President-elect Barack Obama warned of dire and long-lasting consequences if Congress doesn't immediately pump gargantuan sums of borrowed money into the economy.

"In short, a bad situation could become dramatically worse if Washington doesn't continue to spasmodically throw zillions of dollars at the problem, whatever it is," the Democrat said as fresh economic reports showed an outlook growing increasingly grim.

The President-elect said his plan will cost almost a trillion dollars, but didn't specify exactly where the money would be used, other than to say his strategy was to "have so much freaking money around, we'll be looking for a way to get rid of it." 

When asked about the impending financial apocalypse guaranteed by pumping the deficit into the Twilight Zone, Obama cryptically replied, "I like pie."

 

      Obama financial plan

Presidents Meet At White House

WASHINGTON (SR) - In a historic gathering, all the living US presidents - three former, one current and one future, met for lunch at the White House to reminisce and advise their newest member.

The two Bushes, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama toured the house and grounds, pointing out areas of sentimental or historical significance. Somber moments included Jimmy Carter pointing out an area in the Rose Garden where he lay in a fetal position for the duration of the Iranian hostage crisis and domestic economic meltdown.

There were also moments of levity, as Bill Clinton pointed out faint semen stains on the wallpaper in the hallway outside of the Oval Office, then with Carter's assistance, did a comic reenactment of the event responsible to the applause and laughter of all.

President-elect Obama was overheard talking about his plans to install a "phat" sound system in the Oval Office and graffiti-inspired artwork throughout the historic residence. 

The Obamas will move into the White House after the January 20th swearing-in ceremony.

          

Former Presidents Carter and Clinton ham it up at White House

Al-Qaida's Al-Zawahiri Lays Smack On Obama

CAIRO, Egypt (SR) - In a radio message Tuesday, Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader accused President-elect Barack Obama of not doing anything to stop Israel's offensive in the Gaza Strip, according to an intelligence monitoring center.

In the comments, Ayman al-Zawahiri described Israel's actions in Gaza as "Obama's gift to Israel" before he takes office later this month.

"This is Obama whom the American machine of lies tried to portray as the rescuer who will change the policy of America," al-Zawahiri said, "but we know he is a self-promoting shape-shifting little gas-bag with big ears."

Al-Zawahiri concluded his acrid remarks by saying, "I wish Obama were here so I could smack the crap out of him with my sandal, and that goes double for the angry "Missing Link" he calls a wife, Allah help him."

A statement issued by the Office of the President-elect called al-Zawahiri's statements "unfortunate."

 

         Al-Quaida's Ayman al-Zawahiri

Feinstein Slams Obama CIA Pick Panetta

WASHINGTON (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama's choice of Leon Panetta to run the CIA has drawn mixed reaction due to Panetta's total lack of experience with anything having to do with intelligence.

Surprisingly, criticism has been most strong from within Obama's own party, with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) saying she was not consulted on the choice and indicating she might oppose it.

"I was not informed about the selection of Leon Panetta to be the CIA director," Feinstein said. "My position has consistently been that I believe the agency is best served by having someone with actual intelligence experience. Playing a game of "Clue" in your underwear doesn't count."

Panetta issued a rebuttal to Feinstein's assertions, saying he "almost always" played Clue in pajamas.

 

     Leon Panetta: Clueless?

Franken To Be Declared Winner After Amazing Recount

MINNEAPOLIS (SR) - Failed radio talk show host, actor, and comedy writer Al Franken will be declared the winner of the tight U.S. Senate contest in Minnesota, emerging from a incredible ballot recount with a slim margin over Republican Norm Coleman, state officials said on Sunday.

Minnesota Secretary of State Mark Ritchie, the Democrat elected to office with the money and efforts of George Soros, oversaw a process that amazingly favored Franken at every key turn. "It just came out that way - we kept finding votes for Al everywhere - Hell, I found 45 just this morning under my toaster," said Ritchie.

When he was asked why some counties had more ballets tallied in the recount than votes originally cast on election night, Ritchie explained that some of the ballets "were probably pregnant" on election night and had since "given birth."

The Coleman campaign is strongly disputing this contention, saying at the most only a few ballets would have possibly been pregnant on election day.

 

       Star of "Stuart Saves His Family," Al Franken 

Hamas: "OK, Now We're Really Mad"

GAZA (SR) - Palestinian Islamists vowed revenge on Israel on Friday for killing a senior Hamas leader and his family, and said all options were now open to "strike at Zionist interests everywhere."

A Hamas spokesman said, "The Jews have really done it this time, and now we're really, really mad. We are opening brand new options that were closed. They're wide open now baby, WIDE OPEN!"

True to their word, within hours of the Hamas threats, numerous Israeli politicians and army commanders started receiving dozens of pizza deliveries, all reportedly called in by individuals with "bad accents" posing as the victims. So far as a result of the attacks, several persons have been taken to hospitals suffering from shock, and reportedly one has died in a choking accident. 

Israeli Army Chief Avi Mizrahi called the attacks "over the line" and said the government will give financial aid to the victimized pizza retailers, and promised to "bomb the holy crap" out of whoever placed the calls.

 

          Israeli pizza attack sites