WASHINGTON (SR) - In a press conference Friday morning, President Barack Obama reached out to the pirates who are holding a U.S. ship captain for ransom in the Indian Ocean.
The President, attired in traditional pirate clothing, opened by thanking the pirates for all they had done for their country of Somalia (over $100 million in ransoms received last year), as well as their influence on our own country. "My kids love to play pirate games," said a laughing Obama, "I've had to pay them off several times to get back my Blackberry."
President Obama's tone turned serious when he apologized to the pirates for America's past "arrogance and derisiveness," and in a spirit of reconciliation pledged substantial U.S. aid and managerial positions with A.C.O.R.N. to the pirates and their families if they would release their captive.
Shortly afterward, the pirates released this brief statement:
Give us $2,000,000 or we kill the captain.
We would not lower ourselves to work for ACORN as we are pirates not lazy illiterate crackheads --- bite us you skinny douche bag
Your friends, the pirates
President Obama begs pirates forgiveness