Scooter's Report

Mandatory "Gay" Day For K-5 Students

TGIF, reader(s)! Scanning today's headlines, this caught my eye:

Mandatory "Gay" Day For K-5 Students

Alameda, California (SR) - The Alameda Unified School District has approved a mandatory homosexual curriculum for grade school children. The program, titled "LGBT (Lustful Gay Butt Thumpers, I think) Lesson #9," acclimates kindergarten through fifth grade children to the homosexual lifestyle.

Because the school board has made the curriculum mandatory, parents do not have the option to opt-out their children from the instruction.

One example of the curriculum is the second grade course that features two homosexual penguins, "Rob and Solo." Described as being "a little different," the two penguins enjoy a normal, loving homosexual relationship until Solo contracts a serious case of anal warts at a local bath house, and Rob kills him in an ecstasy-fueled rage.

In order to prepare the children for "everyday life," the courses will introduce them to terms such as "ally," "gay," "lesbian," "LGBT," "dyke," "rump-riding," "carpet-munching," "tossing salad," and the currently in-vogue "tea-bagging."

My comment: That should get the little buggers off to a great start!

Let's have a margarita!

 

Illustration from grade school curriculum "Rob and Solo"

Pulse Of America: "No, Yes, No"

Hello reader(s). Here's all the news fit to print:

• County Threatens Couple Over Home Bible Studies. It seems San Diego County officials are threatening a couple with escalating fines if the couple continues to hold Bible studies for approximately 15 couples in their home. It goes without saying this couple wouldn't have these problems if they were (a) hosting gay, transgendered, or bisexual couples, (b) hosting orgies for swinging couples, (c) hosting couples worshiping Satan, or (d) a combination thereof (this would probably give them a tax credit).
  
• L.A. Prom Queen Is A Guy. Fairfax High School students elected Sergio Garcia as their prom queen this year. Sergio is reportedly an aspiring hairdresser and choreographer (of course), who reportedly plans to major in "Advanced Multicultural Sodomy." His parents are no doubt beaming!
• Woman Forced To Remove U.S. Flag. An Arlington, Texas woman was forced to remove a U.S. flag she had displayed in her office before Memorial Day after another supervisor, an immigrant from Africa, found it offensive. I guess that sounds about right....

Maybe I'm reading too much into these stories, but they seem to have something in common. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Hey, let's have a margarita and worry about this later!

"No, Yes, No."

North Korean Sleeper Cells

Hello Reader(s). Wow, things are really heating up, with North Korea's Kim Jong-il flinging threats and little rockets all over the place. Although North Korea (DPRK) is a long ways off (almost to Hawaii, I believe), Pepe and I are still very concerned about DPRK sleeper cells that are no doubt among us.

On his way over to my house this morning, Pepe said he very possibly saw just such a sleeper cell – a car full of North Korean-looking Asian women motoring erratically as if the driver was unfamiliar with our traffic laws. While he wasn’t absolutely positive it was a sleeper cell, Pepe couldn't afford to take the chance and sideswiped the car into a drainage canal, correctly assuming the water would deactivate any explosives they were transporting.

Once he got to my place, I told Pepe I wanted him to help me dig an emergency fallout shelter just in case Kim Jong-il lobs some bigger rockets our way. Unfortunately, Pepe is a dickhead and his smart-ass response that in the event of a nuclear attack we’d be safer "behind Heather" (for the record, my girlfriend Heather isn't fat, she just has a slow metabolism that turns regular food like Ding Dongs into pure cellulite – a chemical reaction she can't control) really pissed me off. After that I was too upset to build anything.

Sometimes I sincerely want to kill Pepe.

 

 

North Korean sleeper cell? Pepe couldn't take the chance

Jong-il, Obama, Pelosi: Liberal Pinheads In The News

Good morning reader(s). While you lay around drinking margaritas over the long weekend, stuff was happening - here's the highlights:

• North Korea Tests Nuke, Fires Rockets. Like a bad case of jock itch, North Korean President Kim Jong-il continues to flair up and irritate the rest of the world with his desperate cries for attention. OK dickhead, we notice you - now go back to torturing and starving your population and leave the news to the real players.
• President Obama Picks Sonia Sotomayor For Supreme Court. This is truly historic, as I believe she is the first 54-year-old fat woman with black hair to ever be nominated for our nation's highest court - way to go Barry!
• Nancy Pelosi Hiding Out In China. Either retarded Aunt Nancy is hiding from the U.S. press, or Obama is punishing China for some grievous indiscretion (you can bet your ass they won't do THAT again). Whatever the reason, it's just nice having this Godless pinhead out of our country.

 


 

Liberal pinheads Kim Jong-il, Sonia Sotomayor, Nancy Pelosi

God Bless America's Warriors

 
Many gave much, some gave all...

Cheney Punks Obama!

WASHINGTON (SR) - In a televised speech just minutes after President Obama gave his own, former Vice President Dick Cheney administered a savage beat-down to the liberal pantywaist and former community organizer.

In his address Obama accused the Bush administration of bungling the war on terror by depriving our sworn enemies legal rights as prisoners, and claiming our interrogation methods were not only a recruitment tool for Al Qaeda, but guaranteed our troops would likewise be dealt with harshly should they be captured.

Obviously, anyone with an IQ higher than a bar of soap understands that our country's Christian heritage and support of Israel are all the recruiting tools Al Qaeda needs, and that even if we interrogated detained enemy combatants by giving them hookers and blow our enemy would reciprocate by still cutting off our heads. Cheney deftly defended Bush administration procedures by simply pointing out that they had been 100% successful.

By the end of Cheney's rebuttal, it was clear the stocky veteran had pummeled Obama with a devastating combination of truth and historical fact. "He absolutely slapped the snot out of Barry," confided an Obama staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "It's like Cheney verbally ripped his nuts off and stomped on them."

My comments: Wow, I'd love to see these two in a cage match, especially with no teleprompters - Barry wouldn't know what hit him. Imagine Mike Tyson smacking around a retarded schoolgirl, only more lopsided....

Obama reels after Cheney pummels him with painful truth

American Idol Upset!

Last night several of us got together for an American Idol finale party. Pepe brought over his Margaritaville(TM) margarita maker, Heather rounded us some snacks (if you consider small canned hams and cooked chickens on toothpicks snacks), and I decorated, sort of.

As I've mentioned before, Heather is a huge Adam Lambert fan (meaning she really likes him, not that she is huge), but Pepe was pulling for that other guy, which created a little tension as we settled down to watch the show. Pepe fired up the margarita machine and in no time we were laughing, singing, and feeling no pain.

Of course everyone in the world knew that Lambert was going to win, so it goes without saying we were stunned when Ryan Seacrest announced the other guy's name. For like a minute Heather just blankly stared at the flickering screen, and I was worried that the 12 - 15 margaritas she had drank maybe had given her margarita poisoning.

Those worries were quickly dispelled when Pepe got in her grill doing his victory "Adam is a loser" dance. I've never seen a man so viciously attacked with a small cooked chicken, and by the time I rolled Heather off Pepe, he was semi-unconscious, bruised, and very greasy.

Heather stormed out after puking in the cat box, and I rushed Pepe to the emergency room where they removed most of the small chicken and treated his wounds.

All in all, it was a memorable evening, and I can't wait till next season.

 

Heather is a poor loser - Pepe's x ray

News News News

Hello reader(s), I've no time to chit chat, here's the news:

• California Voters Tell Lawmakers To "Suck It." Angry voters defeated a slate of special election budget measures Tuesday. Decades of liberalism turned California into a socialist paradise, and they have the economy to prove it. At this point, the only way out is to sell this fetid wasteland to the Chinese (but keep Disneyland for us).

• Iran Tests Missile Capable Of Hitting US Bases, Israel. The White House immediately issued a statement threatening Iran with "extreme displeasure." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responded by telling President Obama to "bite me, you big-eared dickweed."

• White House Backpedals On Closing Guantanamo. That funny sound you hear are the millions of liberals who voted for Barry imploding. That's a shame.

Later.

Music, Missing Link, Hotties!

Good day, mate(s), today I bring you a plethora of sensory input!

First, eclectic music to read and drink margaritas to:

Next, news:

Scientists Find Missing Link

Scientists are hailing the discovery of a 47-million-year-old fossilized monkey skeleton as the missing link of human evolution.

Even though the monkey is only one foot, nine inches tall and features an extremely long tail, the scientists say it is "undeniably" our ancestor.

Even though the dimensions and tail do closely correspond to a few people I know, I didn't believe for a moment this thing that appears to be a dead rat had anything to do with early human beings - that is until Pepe and I did our own science stuff on it.

We took a closeup image of the monkey's skull and using our extensive forensic reconstructive skills we've learned from "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," Pepe and I digitally rebuilt it, adding muscle, fat, hair, eyeballs, etc. The final product clearly shows some vague human traits, and we are pretty sure this is the missing link and Darwin was a freaking genius.

On a side note, Pepe said the reconstructed head gave him the worse nightmares he's ever had, and he thanks God Almighty he wasn't alive 47 million years ago.

 

Reconstructed fossil skull. Human?

Finally, almost-naked hot babes frolicking! (Thanks to my girlfriend Heather and her best friend Misty)

 

"Hey big boy, hungry?" Enjoy!

WOW, I really outdid myself today, let's unwind over margaritas.

Obama At Notre Dame: "Don't Be Close-minded About Killing Babies"

Good Morning reader(s). Here's what happened over the weekend:

Obama Addresses Notre Dame Graduating Class

SOUTH BEND, Indiana (SR) - President Barack Obama on Sunday told students attending America's largest Roman Catholic university that both sides of the abortion issue must stop demonizing one another.

"The fact is that at some level, the views of the two camps are irreconcilable," Obama said. But he implored the graduating class and all in the U.S. to be more understanding of each other: "You need to have open hearts and open minds, it's a way of life that always has been the Notre Dame tradition."

President obama closed the subject on a humorous note, smiling broadly and telling the students, "Look, were talking about killing human babies here, not polar bears or baby seals - lets keep this thing in perspective."

_____________________

My comment: It's almost like Satan himself admonishing students at a Christian university that they need to loosen up a little about this whole 'slaughtering little babies' thing.

To be fair though, he's also telling the pro-baby murder advocates to try and be more understanding of the anti-baby murder advocates, so I guess it's all good.

I don't know about you, but I could sure use a frosty margarita about now!

 

President Obama greets Notre Dame graduates

Pinhead Pelosi

TGIF reader(s). Today, a little straight-up commentary for a change:

I watched Nancy Pelosi's news conference yesterday and the more she prattled on, the more I just wanted to kill myself.

Exactly how do presumably sane voters elect someone with the intelligence of a toaster to high public office? I'd be interested in knowing what specific attributes voters saw in this mouth-breather to make them want to say, "This is the kind of individual we want governing us."

Let me make this clear: If YOU voted for this woman, you need to hide or set yourself on fire, because you have forfeited your right to walk amongst regular people. I'm serious, you either haven't evolved correctly, are severely retarded, or a combination of the two, and just calling yourself a Democrat doesn't give you a pass.

Nancy Pelosi - the same brilliant mind that explained to the world how the nuances of her Catholic faith actually condone the butchering of babies in the womb - at least until every outraged Catholic bishop and priest in this hemisphere kicked her heretical, shriveled, botoxed carcass to the theological curb.

Now Nancy claims the CIA repeatedly lied to her. The fact this accusation was accompanied by the most excessive eye darting, eyelid fluttering, and flop sweat exhibited by a politician since Bill Clinton denied diddling Monica doesn't necessarily prove she was lying, I suppose they could have been caused by the same medical malady responsible for the "hot electrical" smell she emanated while answering questions from the press.

The only positive thing to come out of crazy Aunt Nancy's bizarre paranoid diatribe yesterday was that, for a few brief moments, she actually made Harry Reid look like a rational, almost-intelligent politician, and that's really saying something.

Sorry for the lack of levity, now let's have a margarita.

 

Speaker Pelosi accuses CIA of lying

Movie, TV, Music Reviews

Good morning reader(s). Today I bring you a new and exciting feature dealing with my take on today's movies, TV, and music. I've spent a lot of time on this so I hope you enjoy it!

Movies: Star Trek - 2 stars

OK, me and Heather went to see this movie Sunday at a local IMAX, and it was GREAT. Maybe the best movie ever made.

The story involves all the original characters; only they're different and real young for some reason. Unfortunately, we were making out so much I never really was able to follow the plot if there was one, but I can tell you it involved lots of streaking through space and blowing the crap out of everything. The special effects were very colorful and loud.

The only negative thing about this movie was the popcorn, which tasted like it had been popped sometime last year. Heather disagreed, saying only her first bag was stale, but that bags two and three were fresh and hot. Still, since I'm the reviewer and not her, I'm downgrading the movie rating from 5 stars to 2 because of the crappy popcorn.

TV: American Idol - 3 stars

What the hell is wrong with America? Last night they voted off the best singer by far, Danny Gokey. What? This leaves that one guy and Adam Lambert in the final. Boring.

Originally I wasn't crazy about Adam, as every time he hits those squealing high notes my cat loses control of her bowels and spasmodically shoots poop all over the place. Also, Adam looks exactly like a Goth Elvis who's somehow been microwaved.

On the other hand, watching Adam sing always makes Heather EXTREMELY frisky, so I've quickly become a big fan. After subtly "Lambertizing" my look, the only way you can peel Heather off me is with a crowbar or a bucket of fried chicken - I'm that hot. Go Adam!

Music: I didn't catch the name - 5 stars

While driving over to Heather's apartment last night a song came on the radio that had me moving like James Brown! The beat was irresistible, and the vocals scorching HOT. While I don't know who the group was or the name of the song, it was EXCELLENT.

 

My new look is a panty-dropper

 

Pepe To Obama: "Where The Hell Is My Check?"

Happy Hump Day, reader(s)!

My good friend Pepe is in Phoenix today to see President Obama speak at some college graduation ceremony. Pepe could give a crap about the speech; he's there to ask Barry where the hell his stimulus check is, and to find out why nobody's been making his mortgage payment.

I tried to tell Pepe months ago that Barry was lying about giving him some rich guy's money, but that didn't stop my friend from buying all kinds of stuff, including a new tanning bed and one of those cool "Margaritaville" margarita makers. 

What I can't believe is that Pepe still has faith in Obama, even going so far as to getting some cosmetic surgery done right after the President gave a speech about the government paying for everybody's health care. While I'll be the first to admit Pepe looks great, the additional debt is making him surly - I hope for Obama's sake he writes Pepe that check today.

An angry Pepe Rivera waits for Obama to pay for his cosmetic surgery, bills.

Pelosi Participated In Waterboarding

Hey guys.

As if we needed yet another reason to despise the poster child for liberal retardation, Nancy Pelosi, her assertions she knew nothing about waterboarding continues to erode in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Here's the latest:

Speaker of the House Not Only Knew of Waterboarding, She Participated!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Pelosi has disputed a CIA document, released last week, showing she was briefed in September 2002 on the specific interrogation techniques the United States had used on Al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah.

Then came the release of more documents proving that on Feb. 4, 2003 — five months after Pelosi’s September meeting — CIA officials briefed Pelosi on the specific techniques that had been used on Zubaydah — including waterboarding.

Pelosi claims she remembered only being told something about "surfboarding" during the briefing, and remembers being relieved to hear prisoners were being allowed "proper recreation."

Now, shocking photos have been released by the CIA showing then-Congresswoman Pelosi not only present during the interrogation of an enemy prisoner, but personally administering the waterboarding, and at one point even slapping the screaming man.

Pelosi's office has so far refused to comment on the photos and is reported to be in "crisis mode."

More on this as it develops.

 

 

Nancy Pelosi waterboarding an enemy prisoner

Poll: Arabs Love Obama, Share His Hate Of The U.S.

Hello reader(s). I hate Mondays and today is no exception, so I don't really feel like jibber-jabbering with you. Leave me alone and read the news:

• Arabs Love Obama! New polls show that President Hussein Obama's popularity in leading Arab countries is matched only by the Arab's hate for the U.S.

Obama, set to give a major speech to the Muslim world in Egypt next month, "currently enjoys widespread optimism among citizens of that region that he will ultimately destroy the U.S. from within, allowing Arab countries to devote their resources toward domestic issues, such as killing women who show their ankles, etc.," the polling outfit Ipsos said.

• Obama Cuts Off Information From Israel. Unlike past presidents, President Obama is not coordinating U.S. policy on Iran or the greater Middle East with Israel and has not been informing the Jewish state of our plans or recent diplomatic developments in the Mideast, according to sources in Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's office.

According to other sources in the prime minister's office, Israel has been obtaining its information regarding U.S. plans and advances for the Middle East from third parties, mostly Arab taxi drivers and European tourists.

Well, no big surprises in today's news - Obama still loves his Muslim roots, hates the filthy Jews. Personally if I were Barry, I wouldn't piss off the Israelis too much, they have a miserable track record for tolerating those who threaten them.

 

 Barack Obama popular with Arabs (file photo)

 

Free Cars!

TGIF reader(s)!

After receiving a call from one of his cousins a couple weeks ago, my friend Pepe suddenly jumped on a plane and flew to Massachusetts, of all places. I've been worried that maybe someone he knew there was sick or something, but this morning he came by to show me what he had flown across the country for: A sweet fully-loaded 2000 Chevrolet Impala. For free. A free sweet fully-loaded 2000 Chevrolet Impala. No charge, absolutely free. Cost: $0. YES, I SAID THE FREAKING CAR WAS FREE.

Pepe filled me in on the unbelievable details: It seems the idiot socialist Democrat governor of Massachusetts came up with the brilliant idea to give people on welfare a free car, free insurance, free tags, and even a free AAA membership in case the free car gets a flat. Wow!

Incredibly, there are no strings attached. You don't have to promise to get a job, do public service, quit smoking crack, or even agree to wash the stupid thing. Nothing.  Here's your free car, deadbeat, now you can drive the twelve-pack home! 

With his family's ready access to any kind of needed realistic documentation, Pepe had his car in no time. The first thing he did was spend $8K on some new rims and a bangin' stereo so he could make the drive back to California in style.

This car deal proves that America remains the greatest country in the world, especially for people like Pepe. God bless the USA!

We're going to go cruise for chicks now.

 Massachusetts's free gift to Pepe: A Chevrolet Impala with all the extras

 

Disneyland A Police State!

Hello reader(s). I sound depressed for good reason.

What had been a very enjoyable trip to Disneyland turned into a nightmare yesterday when my hot new girlfriend, Heather Doushe ("Doo-shay"), and myself were secretly spied upon by Disney peeping Toms, then ejected from the park like so much rancid garbage.

OK, here's what happened: Since Disneyland added the numerous Johnny Depp pirate characters to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride, Heather can't get enough of it, and we pretty much rode it for the better part of three days straight. Just after lunch yesterday we were on the ride and as usual Heather was really getting into the whole Johnny Depp-naughty-pirate thing, but of course it was so dark the young family in front of us probably didn't have a clue.

Anyway, when we got off the ride we were pulled aside by some Disney security guy who showed us a night vision photo of Heather and me "fragrant indelecto," if you know what I mean. Yes, they actually have cameras all over that stupid ride that can see in the dark! It goes without saying we were livid that Disneyland would have so little respect for our right to privacy, a right guaranteed to every American by the Declaration of Independence and Magna Carta too, I believe.

Long story short, Heather and I were escorted to the exit by the security guy and a large rat, and told never to come back. We ended up sitting by our stupid little motel swimming pool the rest of the day drinking wine coolers, arguing, and watching the monorail swoosh by full of happy people. It was hell.

 

 

Pirates of the Caribbean hidden camera photo

Disneyland Here I Are!

Happy Monday, dear reader(s)!

You're probably wondering why I'm in such a great mood for a Monday. Well maybe it's because me and my ultra-hot new girlfriend, the voluptuous Heather Doushe ("doo-shay"), are actually at Disneyland having the time of our lives as you read this (I cleverly wrote this Sunday and set it to auto-post Monday morning :P).

While I understand this news may be almost unbearable, knowing at this very moment me and Heather are making out like rabid weasels on "It's a Small World" while you sit reading this at your depressing dead-end low-level job, please remember it's only until Thursday - surely you can go back to your gay midget porn for a few days till I return.

Anyway, I'm sure Heather and I are eating some delicious Indian fry bread while cruising Pirates of the Caribbean right about now, but you really need to get back to those reports before that psychotic loser you call a boss catches you reading this!

See you all Thursday unless I die from having way too much fun!

Where I am right now while you work

Souter Flies, Michelle Tries, Pigs Die

Hello faithful reader(s), here's what's up:

• Justice Souter Retiring. He says he loves his job, but hates Washington. Who can blame him? If some slacker ex-crackhead mentored by terrorists and commies moved down the street from me, I'd move to someplace better too - like maybe somewhere in Somalia...
• Michelle Obama Volunteers In $540 Tennis Shoes. Posing briefly for a photo-op at a downtown soup kitchen, Michelle really stood out from the unwashed masses with her "Rich Rap Star With No Taste" look. Said one man in line, "She looked like a cross between "Lil Momma" and some prehistoric beast."
• Egypt Killed All Their Pigs. Those crazy Arabs Killed over 300,000 pigs to prevent the transmission of Swine Flu, even though the disease is carried only by people, not pigs. "Holy crap, why did the Mexicans call it 'Swine' flu then?" asked the politician responsible for the action. "Those beaners owe us a sh*tload of pigs." 

On a side note, Pepe finally came down with the Swine Flu or something similar. After like 14 margaritas last night he started crawling around the floor naked making weird grunting noises. He then ate a cat toy, pooped all over that throw rug his grandmother made, then finally passed out in the backyard. He also smelled almost exactly like a pig, if pigs wore TAG Body Spray. Please join me in praying for his recovery.