Scooter's Report

White House Beer-Fest Goes Horribly Wrong

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama and Vice President Biden hosted Cambridge police Sargeant James Crowley and Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates on the White House lawn yesterday for beers and conservation.

Obama, the first half-white U.S. president, described the meeting between Gates and Crowley as "friendly and thoughtful," at least up to the point where Gates spit in Crowley's face while calling him a "Klansman with a badge," prompting the police officer to take down the tumultuous professor, and pushing his face into an "executive movement" left behind by the First Dog.

According to one White House insider, the get-together finally ended when Vice President Biden was nearly electrocuted while drunkenly urinating on a security camera. "Joe screamed like a little girl and his pubic hair briefly caught fire," reported the unnamed source, "Then he puked all over the birdbath."

My comments: Man, that sounds like my kind of fun! Maybe I'll make a racist fool of myself getting arrested so I can party with Barry and Joe, too (but only if they break out the margaritas). Speaking of which.........

Pelosi Calls Insurance Firms "Immoral"

WASHINGTON (SR) - U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Thursday attacked health insurance companies for opposing her party's attempt to create a new government-run socialized health plan.

"It's almost immoral what they are doing," the ardent abortion proponent told reporters. "Of course they've been immoral all along in how they have treated the people that they insure," she said, adding, "They're villains - I wish I could stab them in the back of the head with scissors, and rip their lifeless bodies from someone's womb!"

My comments: With her well-known involvement in striking down sodomy laws, promoting gay marriage, and her tireless defense of abortion, particularly partial birth, I've always considered Nancy the final arbiter on the issue of morality - you go, girl!

On that note, let's have some delicious margaritas!

 

 

Pelosi throwing stones in glass House

Cambridge Police Call Obama "Ignorant Racist"

TGIF readers! I've been pretty busy covering the big stories this week; sorry I haven't had any time left over to actually report them. Let me make it up to you:

Police Demand Obama Apologize For Comments

CAMBRIDGE, OH (SR) - Cambridge Police Officers Association president Dennis O'Conner said in a news conference today that President Obama's comments regarding the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. were "what one would expect from an ignorant racist suckled at the teat of Jeremiah Wright for 20 years."

O'Conner demanded the President apologize for his remarks, prompting this reply from White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: "I guess It should come as no surprise that the jack-booted White Supremacists that delight in dragging innocent black men from their homes are trying to do almost the same to our own Black President. There's little doubt they would lynch him and repeatedly rape Michelle if not for the public eye. The President says 'Blow me, cracker'."

My comments: Holy cow, this thing is really getting juicy! I don't know who's going to blink first, but I do know I'm going to have several margaritas while I wait to find out :)

 

LATE BREAKING NEWS: President Obama said this afternoon he "regretted" his comments but still believes "both sides may have overreacted."

My comments yet again: Barry blinked (sort of), back to the margaritas!

 

Professor Gates at book signing

Obama "Not Familiar" With Health Care Plan Specifics

WASHINGTON DC (SR) - As part of a White House strategy to pass nationalized health care, President Obama hosted a conference call where he took questions from left wing bloggers. When one blogger asked the President if a recent Investors Business Daily article stating Section 102 of the House health legislation would outlaw private insurance was true, Obama replied, "You know, I have to say I'm not familiar with the provision you are talking about."

By the end of the conference call, Obama had also admitted:

• He doesn't specifically know how his health care plan would actually work, but knows it involves the government, so there's "no chance it wouldn't work."
• He doesn't know specifically how much his health care plan would actually cost, but is "almost positive there are still enough rich people around to pay for it."
• He's not really familiar with health care or insurance in general, but had both as a community organizer, and felt "comfortable" with them.

While the White House proclaimed the conference call "a success," there were unsubstantiated reports that at least three of the liberal bloggers committed suicide afterward.

My comments: Well, there you go. Margaritas anyone?

 

Biden: "Spend Trillions We Don't Have Or Go Bankrupt"

Happy TGIF, reader(s). We've just about made it through yet another week punctuated by over-stimulated Democrats running around like so many crazed lottery winners, spending as much borrowed money as fast as they possibly can. Let's check out the headlines:

Biden Warns: "Spend Trillions We Don't Have Or Go Bankrupt"

Alexandria, VA (SR) - Vice President and renowned financial guru, Joe Biden, told people attending an AARP town hall meeting that unless the Democrat's health care plan becomes law, the nation will go bankrupt and that the only way to avoid that fate is for the government to spend more money it doesn't have.

"If we don't go very, very deeply into debt with this health care deal and some other stuff, and I mean fast, this country is going to find itself bankrupt, and you can take my word for it," said Biden. "May God help all of us if we don't embrace this financial reality in time."

My comments: While this all sounds like lunacy, I'm just a reporter and not a vice president. Pepe and I are going to put Joe's advanced financial theory to the test this afternoon when we attempt to stave off poverty by borrowing some money for a couple new cars and maybe a Wii. First, some margaritas.

Obama To New York: "Bite Me"

Hello reader(s). I'm off to a luxury resort for a few days of much-needed rest, relaxation, and of course, margaritas. Lots of margaritas. But first, today's top story:

Top New York Earners To Be Taxed 57%!

New York (SR) - Congressional plans to fund Obama's socialized health care program will skyrocket some New York resident's taxes to almost 60%, a move guaranteed to increase business layoffs, cut productivity, slash profits, and generally make any individual who has succeeded in life wish they hadn't. 

New York politicians and entrepreneurs are warning that these tax increases will finish off what is already one of the worst economies in the country. "This is why I've worked my ass off all my life, to buy eye exams for illegal aliens and crack whores?" commented angry New York City developer, Donald Trump.

Responding to the criticism, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated, "While the economy in New York may be somewhat affected, real estate markets and new business starts in surrounding states should be exceptionally strong - it all works out."

My comments: Barry's honoring one his party's most sacred philosophies* of spending as much of other people's money on bloated, inefficient social programs as humanly possible. Way to go, you moronic socialist dickhead, by the end of your first term our country's economy should be roughly on par with the Republic of Uzbekistan. Nice.

On that depressing note, I'm off to party like a rock star!

*Sandwiched between "kill as many babies as possible," and "appease your enemy"

 

President Obama responds to New York criticism

Enema Of Change

Good morning reader(s)! Shall we check out today's headline?

• Democrats Promise Nationalized Health Care In Weeks

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters today that regardless of whether most Americans want it, Democrats are going to ram through legislation that will bring "IRS-like" simplicity and efficiency to the health care industry.

Defending the proposed 5.4% tax on upper-income individuals that Democrats claim will partially fund the gargantuan program, Pelosi said, "These people obviously screwed someone to get all that money, we're just screwing them back."

My comments: Let's see, the government forces all businesses to provide health care to their employees in return for insignificant tax credits, while additionally reaming the business owners themselves for an additional 5.4%, forcing them to employ fewer people while leaving them less money to grow/sustain their business. Yeah, that should strengthen the economy - nice going, you ignorant pinheads!

I'd write more, but I've got to set up an offshore corporation, and fast (after a margarita, of course).

 

"I'm here to help you"

Dems: Borrow A Trillion, Spend A Thousand

Good day, reader(s). I don't have time to screw around, here's some headlines:

• Budget Deficit Tops $1 Trillion For First Time

It's OK though, thanks to President Obama all this additional borrowed money has stabilized and grown our econo.......it what? Oh crap, never mind.

• Lavish Ted Kennedy Book To Sell For $1K A Copy

I thought this was ridiculous until I learned this special edition can also be used as a flotation device....

All these numbers are making me thirsty- frosty margarita anyone?

Sotomayor: Supreme Suckage

Hello reader(s). Sorry for the late posting, but our internet has been down all day (Cox, you suck). Anyway, here's today's top story:

• Sotomayor Faces Senate Hearing On Nomination

Sonia Sotomayor: Capable, brilliant judge or clueless leftist-pinhead who got where she's at solely because she's a liberal Hispanic female? Based on the number of times her decisions have been overturned and her incredibly stupid statements, I'd say "the latter." It goes without saying, the Taco Bell Chihuahua would be just as qualified and certainly easier to look at.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. The Democrats want a Hispanic nominee for the Supreme Court so they can curry favor with the Latino voters (at least until they extend amnesty to 12 million illegals), and it's a fact that Hispanics and gringos alike love that little dog. When you add the fact the little dog has never said anything racist or idiotic, it's a no-brainer - nominate the little dog and make everyone happy. Done.

OK, that's enough for a Monday - cue the margaritas!

 

  

"No"                                                       "Yes"

MJ Foul Play / BO Eye Play

TGIF, reader(s). Let's do a quick scan of today's news stories before diving into the weekend:

• Jackson Patriarch Suspects Foul Play In Michael's Death

ENCINO, CA (SR) - 79-year-old Joe Jackson said in an ABC interview he believes his son died as a result of foul play, but stopped short of naming a suspect(s).

Sources close to the family report the elder Jackson is pointing an accusing finger at "Bubbles," the pet chimpanzee Michael owned for years. Jackson lavished attention on the chimp, taking him everywhere and even dressing him as a little boy in costumes and clothes matching his own. Michael gave Bubbles to a local zoo after it was rumored the chimp had somehow bitten off the pop star's penis.

Several residents in the Holmby Hills neighborhood where Jackson lived reported seeing Bubbles "hanging around" as recently as the morning of Jackson's death.

My comment: I immediately thought of Bubbles when I heard Michael was dead. You can't expect a little monkey to be tossed from a life of privilege and fame into a fetid zoo cell and not carry a grudge - Bubbles had more than sufficient motive.

• Obama Caught Eye-Raping 16-Year-Old Girl

L'AQUILA ITALY (SR) - Cameras caught President Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy leering at a young Brazilian delegate at the G8 Summit.

Witnesses at the scene said that after undressing her with his eyes, Obama mentally grabbed the girl, ripped off her dress, and then forcefully had his way with her onstage while Sarkozy mentally played with himself and urged Obama on. "I couldn't believe I was imagining what I was seeing," said one onlooker. "That these two world leaders could do that to an innocent young girl with their eyes in front of God and everybody is beyond disgusting."

My comment: I'll tell you right now, this makes me SICK. Maybe in France it's OK to do that sort of thing, but even famous people in this country go to jail for far less! I need margaritas, STAT.

Barack Down, Michelle Uppity

Good morning, reader(s). Let's check out today's headlines:

• Presidential Approval Index: Minus 8 Points

It's official: Stupid people, drunk on emotion, take approximately seven months to sober up. Actors and college professors may take longer...

• First Lady Touring Russia With $6K Designer Purse
  

The White House denies the purse is a $5,950.00 VBH clutch, claiming Michelle is carrying "a cheap piece of sh*t costing around $850." In response, VBH company representative, Kelly Vitko, said, "You'd think even a liberal pinhead like Michelle would remember spending $6,000 for a little bag - trust me, that's our clutch."

Unless she's visiting peasants or a food bank, Michelle usually doesn't bring out the really good stuff, so she may be telling the truth here. Maybe.

• Russian Sasquatch Sightings Continue!

MOSCOW (PRAVDA) - Reports continue to pour in of a "Big Foot" or Sasquatch-type creature seen in Moscow and surrounding areas. Some reports describe this creature carrying what appears to be remnants of a small alligator, most likely a food staple for the towering beast.

All I can say is thank God I'm not in Russia right now, that thing scares the crap out of me!

I don't know about you, but after seeing that, I've GOT to have a margarita (or ten)...

  

First Lady and clutch in question / Another Moscow Sasquatch sighting

A Parting Gift From The King Of Pop

Written by Van Neuter friend and colleague, Ms. Peace Moonbeam.

As I've mentioned before, Scooter absolutely idolized Michael Jackson. Yesterday Pepe and myself went with Scooter to the Staples Center so we could keep an eye on our friend as he paid his last respects to his hero. Not having any tickets to the service itself, I figured we'd all just kind of stand around outside, drink margaritas, and listen to M.J. songs with all the other unemployed losers fans.

Up to a point, that's exactly what we did. Pepe and I played cards, drank margaritas, and watched with amusement as a drunken Scooter repeatedly sang "Billy Jean" and moonwalked up and down the sidewalk, running into numerous bystanders and not a few street signs. We both agreed he looked more like a crippled zombie reversing through a sea of snot than Michael Jackson dancing, but he was enjoying himself.

Just before the service started, Scooter unexpectedly left with a security guard who stopped by. Not more than 15 minutes later, he suddenly came tearing through the crowd and ducked into the back of our minivan just ahead of what looked like the entire L.A.P.D.(!) After the last cop ran by, I jumped into the van to see what was going on, although I wasn't so sure I wanted to know.

It seems for $200 and a used car stereo, Pepe's cousin Juan, a Staples Center security officer, agreed to get Scooter into the backstage secure room where M.J.'s gold casket was temporarily stored just before the service. Scooter's plan was to take a photo of his beloved idol so he could have a personal memento to cherish forever, or at least for a few days until he could sell it for millions and retire to Tahiti.

Unfortunately the whole scheme was for naught, as Scooter couldn't hold up the heavy gold-plated lid with one hand, and he dropped it before he could press the button on his cell phone camera. Scooter's ensuing scream brought the police, and he was damned lucky to get away. The good news is we later found Scooter had inadvertently come away with something way better than a photo of a skinny white woman. Way, way better.

Thanks to Scooter's lack of muscle and Motorola flip phone, we're one eBay auction away from the good life:)

Margarita's anyone?

Jackpot! Scooter cops Michael Jackson's nose with his cellphone

Obama And Gore: Modern Day Einsteins

Hello reader(s). Today I'm in L.A. for the funeral of Michael Jackson and don't have time to chitchat, so here's the headlines:

• Obama To Russia: "Future Not For Armed Countries."

Barry prophesied this incredible vision in a country that escaped becoming part of Nazi Germany only through the deaths of millions of soldiers and the acquisition and use of every armament they could build, buy, or borrow. To say this statement went over like a turd in a punchbowl would be an understatement.

On second thought, this may accidentally be the most profound thing Barry has ever uttered, as a country that can't defend itself will have no future. OK, it was brilliant.

• Al Gore: "Battling Climate Change Same As Battling Nazis."

Oh way to go Al, scaring the crap out of little Jewish kids who'll now be having nightmares about carbon dioxide throwing them and their families into gas chambers, then burning their bodies in giant ovens. Really nice.

OK, that's enough for today, Pepe's firing up the margarita machine and I've got to get ready for what promises to be the most painful experience of my life. Where's my glove?

 

Carbon Dioxide prepares to torture/kill Jewish boy

Property Values Plummet In Iran, Moscow, California

Happy Monday, reader(s), let's see what's going on in the headlines:

• Biden To Israel: Do What You Will With Iran

Evidently Barry got his panties in a bunch when his BFF (Begging For Forgiveness) tour through the Mid East resulted in little more than Iran giving him the finger, so he's suddenly got no problem with the Jews blowing the crap out of that God-forsaken Islamic litter box. I have a feeling real estate values are about to drop in Tehran...

• Obamas Travel To Russia

Headline in today's Pravda: "There goes the neighborhood - Marxists Back In Kremlin."
Secondary headline: "Sasquatch Reportedly Seen In Vicinity Of Visiting U.S. President."

• Hundreds Of Thousands Flocking To LA For Jackson Funeral

Los Angeles Officials are expecting up to a million Michael Jackson fans at tomorrow's ceremonies. A travel advisory for boys ten years-old and younger is in effect for all of Southern California until Wednesday.

As soon as I can find my sequined glove, Pepe, Peace, and myself are heading out to L.A. to cover the most important event in the history of the world - check back for my firsthand report.

 

 

Moscow Sasquatch photo / enhanced

How Far We've Come

Happy Independence Day!

We celebrate those brave men and women of faith who built this country upon a foundation of God, freedom, and personal achievement.....

and bemoan those who have inherited this country and destroyed those foundations.

 

Let's Party!

Happy 4th of July weekend, reader(s)!

My friend Pepe, my blistering-hot new girlfriend, Sissy, and myself are in full-on 4th of July party mode!

Not only do we have enough margarita supplies to last well into next week, but also piles of delicious party food, Twister, a Water Wiggle, a bunch of rental movies, and best of all, a YOOGE firecracker Pepe got from one of his cousins in Mexico!

You see, Pepe's cousin Hector has a fireworks manufacturing plant in his basement, and when Pepe asked for the biggest firecracker $25 and naked pictures of his sister would buy, Hector delivered in spades. The hardest part was getting it into the country, which turned out to not be very hard at all.

Anyway, we're going to have some serious fun this weekend, and hope you do to!

Sissy strikes a hot pose on our big firecracker

Stimulus Dies, Honduras Defies, Supporter Cries

Good morning reader(s). Let's check out the headlines:

• Where's The Stimulus? Unemployment Rises

Employers in the U.S. cut 467,000 jobs in June and hourly earnings stagnated, offering little evidence the Obama administration’s stimulus package is working.

Holy cow, you mean spending billions analyzing cow farts and designing some windmills didn't put the country back to work? To say this is shocking would be an understatement.

• Honduras Leaders Defy Obama Pressure To Reinstate Leftist

A statement drafted by the Honduran Congress says in part, "The fact Barack Obama, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, and Fidel Castro all support the socialist dickhead we ousted verifies we made the right decision. Bite us, commies, go f*ck yourselves."

Wow, those Hondurans are a feisty bunch of capitalists, perhaps a little over-caffeinated. Remind me to never try to set up a welfare state down there!

• Obama Hugs Woman At Healthcare Pitch, Steals Purse

At a pre-packaged townhall meeting in Virginia this week, President Obama hugged a woman who tearfully claimed she couldn't get medical care. Later the woman, Debby Smith, an Obama volunteer, angrily told reporters the President had stolen her purse during the hug. "That wasn't part of the deal, I want my f*cking purse back, plus what he owes me for the hug."

So NOW she's against redistribution of wealth? Sorry, sister, you helped get this socialist crackhead elected - take an aspirin and get a job.

Wow, being this snarky this early really makes me thirsty - margarita anyone?

Not scripted - Obama steals purse from supporter

Leftist Pinheads On Parade

Hello reader(s), let's see what's happening in today's headlines:

• Franken Declared Senate Winner

This will improve our country: A Godless, profane idiot whose biggest life accomplishments are being a failed comedy writer and bankrupting the only major liberal radio network in the country with his retarded political dialog, steals a U.S. Senate seat. "Fail" personified.

• Obama Supports Ousted Leftist Honduras President

Let's see, ousted Honduras President Manuel Zelaya is a radical leftist with strong ties to Venezuelan doucherocket Hugo Chavez, is reportedly funneling tons of cocaine into his country for delivery to the U.S., and was in the process of dicking around with his country's constitution so he could run for office forever - no wonder Barry likes this guy, they're kindred spirits.

• Rev. Al Sharpton Grinds At Jackson Memorial

While this may not qualify as news, it's not very often you see a "Man of God" giving a Holy invocation one minute, then rubbing his junk against estranged women onstage in acts of wanton public humping the next. The fact he had no pants on somehow made it seem all the more wrong.

OK, pinhead steals office, pinhead supports pinhead removed from office, Rev. pinhead humps pinhead onstage - I guess that's it, let's have some margaritas!

Rev. Sharpton reaching out to the lost