Scooter's Report

Clinton, Gore Vow To Carry On Kennedy Dream

NASHVILLE (SR) - Fresh from the funeral of Sen. Edward Kennedy, Al Gore and Bill Clinton appeared together in Tennessee Saturday to pledge that Kennedy's dream for America would never die.

"On behalf of our party we vow to continue to pursue Senator Kennedy's dream of nationalized health care, larger government, smaller corporate profits, increased abortions, a smaller military, and universal gay marriage," said Clinton. "Also, I personally vow to carry on Ted's quest for big-boobed bimbos and the perfect martini - it's the least I can do."

Al Gore promised the audience that he would continue to work toward Kennedy's goal of fighting climate change by pushing for the installation of giant wind turbines in front of the deceased Senator's Cape Cod residence. When asked later why Gore would want to push for something that Kennedy had vehemently opposed while alive, Gore replied, "Because he's f*cking dead now, that's why."

My comments: This all sounds pretty good I guess, as long as you're not a taxpayer, unborn child, member of the military, private company, big-boobed bimbo, or living in Ted's old house.....

Let's have a few margaritas and try not to think about it.

 

Ted Kennedy's dream to live on

Barney Frank Asks To Probe Rangel

WASHINGTON (SR) - Representative Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, failed to report $1.3 million in income and over $3 million in various business transactions between 2002 and 2006.

Rangel is being probed by the House Ethics Committee for these and numerous other discrepancies, and now House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank has reportedly also expressed an "intense interest" in probing Rangel "hard and fast."

Some of the other issues Mr. Rangel is currently under investigation for include his use of four rent-stabilized apartments, soliciting donations with his official letterhead, and the "habitual misuse of unnatural hair products".

My comments: As much as I enjoy seeing Rangel experiencing the same thing he's been doing to the American public all these years, the thought of Barney Frank piling on seems cruel and unusual. Oh what the hell, those two are made for each other.....

Let's grab a margarita for this one, it's not going to be pretty!

Rangel's worst fear?

Kennedy Care

WASHINGTON (SR) - Democrats are banking that associating Senator Edward Kennedy's name and legacy with their nationalized health care plan will make the proposal more acceptable with the public.

"Ted Kennedy's dream of quality health care for all Americans will be made real this year because of his leadership and his inspiration," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Unfortunately his other dream of a quality single malt Scotch whiskey for under $30 a bottle probably will not."

Sen. Robert Byrd also called for the association of the health care plan proposal with Kennedy, saying,  "In honor and as a tribute to his commitment to his ideals, let us stop the shouting and name calling and have a civilized debate on health care reform while getting pissed and maybe schtupping some skanks."

Majority Leader Harry Reid suggested renaming the health care reform plan "Kennedy Care" in honor of the esteemed senator, saying both are "bloated, blurry, and pretty much dead."

My comments: If they do name it "Kennedy Care" I may get onboard, especially if the coverage includes hookers and blow benefits....

Let's have some margaritas while we ponder the ramifications!

 
 

Sen. Robert Byrd promotes "Kennedy Care"

Remembering Ted Kennedy: Senator Overboard!

Hello readers. To honor the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy, we are pleased to re-post a story detailing a personal encounter with the Senator by our liberal longtime friend, Ms. Peace Moonbeam.

__________________________________________

January 28, 2006

Washington DC

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but I think I'm in love!

One of my friends in Washington set me up with a blind date last weekend. All she told me was this guy is one of the most powerful men in the country and very hot. Because of my recent cosmetic "enhancements," I knew I was hot, but had no idea my friend would think me apparently worthy of dating a man of this caliber. I was so excited and couldn't wait to see who it was! I was off to Washington D.C.

On the big night I arrived early at the agreed upon meeting place, the swanky Occidental Restaurant. This place just oozed power. I saw many important people, in fact the two seated at the table next me looked like Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi! Wow! I couldn't hear what they were saying but I noticed her facial skin was so tight, her boobs rose an inch every time she smiled. Also, her eyebrows were way up on her forehead like mine - I had a feeling she was also on a first name basis with Dr. Fuentes.

Suddenly a man appeared before me holding a single red rose. I could NOT believe who it was! Although I have agreed not to divulge his identity, I will tell you he is the most powerful Democrat in the U.S. Senate and one of my biggest heroes - we'll call him "Jed." Did I also mention he was very cute, in a sort of large, lumpy way? This was surely the most magical moment of my life, and it was all I could do to remain composed as I accepted the rose and stared into those beautiful pale blue and red eyes.

After the introductions, he ordered some drinks and we proceeded to have a wonderful discussion on things we both felt passionate about, including our hatred for George Bush and this needless war for oil. After a few glasses of Old Grandad, he laid out his dream for America that gave me chills and a renewed hope for our country. His vision included expanding U.S. taxpayer-funded abortion to every country in the world, promoting gay marriage, raising taxes, expanding welfare, reducing the armed forces, and restricting religious-based intolerance. I was in the company of genius! We could have talked all night, but Howard at the next table was apparently drunk and screaming like a madman, so we left for Jed's apartment.

Once inside his new Mercedes, Jed made us some drinks using the little bar in the back. I've never seen anything like it, he even had an ice maker! Our journey was an interesting one, to say the least. It was raining, he was drunk, and going way too fast. As he drove, he railed against the Bush administration, gesturing wildly and spilling his drink everywhere. I tried to remain calm by smoking a joint and playing with the life preserver lying on the console.

At one point he asked me to make him another drink. Although this was obviously the last thing he needed, I figured it would hopefully mellow him out and maybe he'd slow down. I leaned over the seat and was refilling the glass, when all of a sudden I felt his hand on my butt! Without thinking, I reeled around and threw the drink in his face. He screamed, "ABANDON SHIP!!" grabbed the life preserver, and bailed out of the moving car! Oh crap! I looked back to see him rolling like a spastic sea slug, clothes flying off. He came to rest in the middle of the street, apparently dead! I grabbed the wheel, stood on the brakes, and brought the car to a safe stop. I jumped out and ran back to see if he was okay but all I found was a huge dry spot and his clothes scattered around the street. I guess he survived, thank God.

The next morning I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and a romantic note asking if I would like to spend the weekend at Hyannisport! I think I'm falling. Hard.

       

Obamas Vacation!

CAPE COD (SR) - White House Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton instructed reporters covering the Obama's vacation on Martha's Vineyard that the President "wants to relax and have a good time."

Burton warned the press not to photograph members of the First Family without permission, except for the President "when he walks in the surf shirtless." Other instructions included ordering reporters to keep a minimum 300 foot distance from the family at all times, not taking any photos of the girls, and not photographing Mrs. Obama's "huge ass and thighs."

My comments: Due to these overly-extreme restrictions, Scooter's Report is pleased to offer an exclusive photograph from the Obama's Hawaii vacation last August.

 

 

Obama Vacation Scare!

CAPE COD (SR) - President Obama and his family barely had time to relax on the first day of their vacation stay on the quaint Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard.

Sunday night the Obamas were quickly moved to a secure area when Secret Service agents received a tip that local resident, Senator Ted Kennedy, was possibly behind the wheel and careening toward the Obama compound. The President and his family were later allowed to return to their residence after the Senator's partially submerged car was found beside a nearby bridge. Local authorities are reportedly seeking Kennedy for questioning in connection with the incident.

My comments: Whew, that was a close one for the First Family!

Let's have a margarita while they look for Teddy....

 

 

Obama and Kennedy (file photo)

Obama Says Conspiracy Behind Protests

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama appeared on a conservative radio show Thursday, and charged that a "vast right-wing conspiracy" is part of an organized attempt to kill his health care plan.

"I think early on, a decision was made by the Republican leadership working in conjunction with the Illuminati and Ku Klux Klan that said, 'Look, let's not give him a victory, let's do everything we can to keep health care from poor people so we can kill as many of them as possible," Obama said.

The President told radio host Michael Smerconish that Republicans have also enlisted the help of "shape-shifters" and "reptilian aliens" to help spread lies and half-truths about his nationalized health care proposal. "If you think those are senior citizens at the town halls, you're crazy, said Obama.

My comments: Holy Pope on a rope! I suspected a vast right-wing conspiracy, but had no idea the shape-shifters and Klan were involved! Throw the reptilian aliens and Illuminati into this mix and you've got enough bad juju to kill any legislation, not to mention a damn good reason to have a bunch of delicious margaritas. I'll pour....

 

Right-wing reptilian Klansman Illuminati shapeshifter

Micheal Moore: "Obama Wonderful, House Dems Stupid Losers"

HOLLYWOOD (SR) - In an interview with a major Hollywood media outlet, filmmaker and human land mass, Michael Moore, gave his eagerly-anticipated assessment of American politics today.

Speaking of the presidential election, Moore said, "I'm still in a stupor of stunned ecstasy that Obama won, or maybe it was the filets with lobster sauce I just had for lunch... anyway, I approve of everything he's done - at this rate hopefully he'll destroy this lousy, piece of sh*t country before he's voted out or shot."

Moore's comments about some other Democrats were a bit more critical: "As for the congressional Democrats, what a bunch of losers - weak, scared, stupid, especially that brainless, babbling old hose-bag, Nancy Pelosi. I've had bowel movements that were easier to look at and twice as smart."

My comments: Good grief, could there possibly be anything more debilitating than being labeled "stupid" by a gelatinous mutant with the IQ of a dress sock? I think not.

Non-fat margaritas anyone?

Obama To Ram Health Care Plan Through

WASHINGTON (SR) - The Obama administration is saying they will "go it alone" without Republican support in ramming through passing their socialized nationalized health care plan.

"We tried to work with the GOP, but they refused to commit political suicide throw their constituents under the bus weight behind this Marxist abortion much-needed reform, said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

President Obama told reporters Tuesday he will "not be deterred" by the American public's GOP's resistance to involuntary servitude change.

My comments: Evidently Barry's decision to back off this public option thing didn't go over too well with Pelosi and other hardcore commies leftists in his party. I have a feeling the brutal incoming forced-socialized healthcare anal rape is going to leave most Americans more than a little sore come the mid-term elections....

I hate pain so I'm going to start sedating myself now with a few tasty margaritas!

 

White House: "We're Not Responsible For Emails"

WASHINGTON (SR) - After consistently denying sending emails to individuals who had not requested them, White House online director Macon Phillips admitted that emails had been sent and individual's names added to mailing lists without their knowledge, claiming unnamed political groups were to blame.

"It's not our fault that certain conservative political groups sneaked into our facilities and surreptitiously added names to our mailing list. Also, the fact those names are the same as those reported to flag@whitehouse.gov was a trick by those groups to make us look bad," said Phillips.

Phillips went on to say, "We're changing the locks on our doors, as well as changing the password on the computer from "change" to "hope" to keep conservatives from doing this again. Oh, dammit!"

My comments: I bet these are the same people who sneaked into my house and downloaded all that gay midget porn onto my computer! Bastards! I'm going to have a margarita while I change my password.

 

White House online director Macon Phillips

Obama Retreats (To Arizona)

Hello readers. Here's a few headlines to start your week:

• Health Care: Obama Retreats

President Obama said this weekend that the public option for insurance coverage was "just a sliver" of the overall proposal, and later Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius echoed those comments, saying a direct government role to provide universal coverage was "not the essential element."

In an unexpected move today, former Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean questioned the President's retreat, calling a direct government role "the entirety of health care reform."

My comment: When even a liberal with the IQ of a lawnmower like Howard Dean acknowledges that the whole point of BarryCare is the state's complete and total control, you know it's true. The fact he's stupid enough to publicly trumpet that fact guarantees he's off Barry's Kwanzaa card list forever.

• Obamas Vacation In Arizona

With our country's economic and social problems all but cured, the Obamas jetted down to Arizona for some relaxation and sightseeing.

My comment: Spreading socialism is hard work!

• Sasquatch Sightings On Rise At Grand Canyon

Vacationers and park rangers at the Grand Canyon reported numerous sightings over the weekend of what was described as a Sasquatch, or "Bigfoot"-type creature. Several members of a Japanese tour group were reportedly terrified enough to require brief hospitalization.
 
My comment: Yikes, this gives me chicken skin!

OK, that's enough news for now. That Bigfoot story requires a few margaritas to settle my nerves.

   

          Obamas visit Arizona                       Sasquatch sighting at Grand Canyon

White House Threatens Blogger Over Healthcare Story

Dear readers, it appears yours truly is in some pretty serious trouble. Apparently someone reported this Scooter's Report expose on the Obama administration's healthcare plan to flag@whitehouse.gov, the White House site for the reporting of "disinformation". Here is the email I received this morning:

The White House

Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Van Neuter,

It has come to our attention that your online news site "Scooter's Report" recently posted the article "Shocking Obama Healthcare Facts" that purports to outline several sections of the administration's proposed nationalized healthcare plan.

Please be advised your article is grossly exaggerated to the point of being a fabrication. I strongly encourage the accurate reporting of this plan to the American public so citizens may clearly understand the advantages this improved coverage affords them, regardless of their income level or present health.

My office suggests you post the following corrections / clarifications (below) to your misleading and inaccurate article. Failure to do so may very possibly result in legal action against you and your firm by the appropriate federal and / or local agency(s).

Sincerely,

 

President Barack Obama

The following is the August 11, 2009 "Scooter's Report" article "Shocking Obama Health Facts." The false/misleading statements and corrections are highlighted:

Section 298: Mandatory in-home gynecological exam for women age 18 - 35
"Exams to be performed by competent and well-trained Union technicians utilizing standard accepted medical procedures. Certain procedures may be filmed for use in training."

Should read "extensively"

Section 388 - 389: Required fitness tests for seniors
"All individuals age 65 and up will undergo a fitness evaluation test every 3 months at an approved center. The test will include 30 minutes running on a treadmill, 30 minutes riding a stationary bicycle, and swimming 30 laps in a swimming pool full of Jello. Individuals failing the test are eligible for government discount vouchers for funeral services."

Sections 440 and 1904: Home visitation programs for families with young children and families expecting children
"Well-trained and competent government workers will provide parents with knowledge of age-appropriate child development in cognitive, language, social, emotional, motor domains. modeling, consulting, and coaching on parenting practices,  and interacting with their child to enhance age-appropriate development."

Section 843: Healthy living through healthy thoughts
"Mandatory healthy living seminars for all individuals age 10 and up outlining the positive physical effects of a progressive ideology."

Should read "8"

Section 1255 - 1273: Living healthy, living green
"In-home environmental inspection by competent, well-trained government technicians to ensure healthy living through a low-carbon environment. Any required upgrades to heating, cooling, plumbing, or electrical systems may be eligible for government tax credits and/or discount vouchers."

Should read "ACORN"

Section 1487-1588: Healthy alternatives
"Mandatory classes for all individuals age 2 - 21 outlining and reinforcing the positive mental and sexual benefits of alternate lifestyles. Topics include "Butts need love, too," "Sword fight!," "Let's carpet munch and scissor hunch," and "Mike to Michelle."

OK, I've published the stupid corrections - I hope to God  Barry and his crazed pack of trial lawyers won't sue the crap out of me (at least before I receive my next stimulus check).

This was a little too close for comfort for me - I need a margarita like RIGHT NOW.

Town Hall Meeting Etiquette

Hello readers. The sobering fact that at least two of you look to me for political and cultural guidance today prompts me to forcefully address the issue of these out-of-control Democrat healthcare plan town hall meetings. Here's my rules for effective yet dignified protest:

Clothing

• Do not wear: Nazi uniform, straight jacket, hockey mask, Klan outfit (or any outfit made from sheets), blackface makeup, dead animals.
• Do wear: Suits, dresses (men wear suits, women only wear dresses), resort casual attire, overalls (only if farmer), any uniform (besides Nazi - see above).

Signs/placards

• No: Referencing Jesus ("JESUS HATES OBAMA/DEMOCRATS/LIBERALS," etc.), referencing poor/disadvantaged people ("F*CK POOR PEOPLE, LET THEM DIE!"), referencing race ("YOU WANT BETTER HEALTH? QUIT SMOKING CRACK AND EATING FRIED CHICKEN").
• Yes: Be polite ("I/WE RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE"), be humble ("THANK YOU, BUT WE DON'T DESERVE BETTER HEALTHCARE"), be patronizing ("GOD BLESS BARACK OBAMA, BUT ON THIS WE RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE").

Behavior

• Do not: Spit, curse, fart loudly, speak German, speak in tongues, urinate, throw objects, expose your genitals, buttocks, breasts (women or men), attempt to place microphones, etc. in speaker's body cavities, set fires.
• Do: Be courteous, use correct pronunciation and grammar when yelling, display non-threatening body language, smile while yelling if at all possible.

Follow these rules, and we'll defeat this commie healthcare plan with class. Now let's break out some margaritas and get pissed!

 

"No"                                                 "Yes"

Shocking Obama Healthcare Facts

Hello readers, I thought you might be interested in a few eye-opening sections of the Obama administration's proposed socialized nationalized healthcare plan:

Section 298: Mandatory in-home gynecological exam for women age 18 - 35
"Exams to be performed by competent and well-trained Union technicians utilizing standard accepted medical procedures. Certain procedures may be filmed for use in training."

Section 388 - 389: Required fitness tests for seniors
"All individuals age 65 and up will undergo a fitness evaluation test every 3 months at an approved center. The test will include 30 minutes running on a treadmill, 30 minutes riding a stationary bicycle, and swimming 30 laps in a swimming pool full of Jello. Individuals failing the test are eligible for government discount vouchers for funeral services."

Sections 440 and 1904: Home visitation programs for families with young children and families expecting children
"Well-trained and competent government workers will provide parents with knowledge of age-appropriate child development in cognitive, language, social, emotional, motor domains. modeling, consulting, and coaching on parenting practices,  and interacting with their child to enhance age-appropriate development."

Section 843: Healthy living through healthy thoughts
"Mandatory healthy living seminars for all individuals age 10 and up outlining the positive physical effects of a progressive ideology."

Section 1255 - 1273: Living healthy, living green
"In-home environmental inspection by competent, well-trained government technicians to ensure healthy living through a low-carbon environment. Any required upgrades to heating, cooling, plumbing, or electrical systems may be eligible for government tax credits and/or discount vouchers."

Section 1487-1588: Healthy alternatives
"Mandatory classes for all individuals age 2 - 21 outlining and reinforcing the positive mental and sexual benefits of alternate lifestyles. Topics include "Butts need love, too," "Sword fight!," "Let's carpet munch and scissor hunch," and "Mike to Michelle."

Holy Pope-on-a-rope! As we continue to wade through this bureaucratic monstrosity we'll bring you more interesting highlights. Meanwhile, let's enjoy some healthy, frosty, margaritas!

 

No pic today, so here's a margarita!

Dems Pissing Off The Middle Class - Today's Edition

Hello readers, let's check out the headlines to see what the Democrats are doing today to piss off your average middle class American:

• Opposition Rising To House's Jet Buying Orgy

I can't believe everybody is getting their panties in such a bunch just because limousine liberals Nancy Pelosi and cronies want to spend HALF A BILLION DOLLARS THEY DON'T HAVE on some fancier jets. Taxpayers are just so intolerant these days!

• Dems Hoyer And Pelosi Call Healthcare Protesters "Un-American"

OK, let's see, these protesters are against unchecked socialism, uncontrollable deficit spending, the eradication of private industry, and the certain destruction of the finest healthcare system the planet has ever known, right?

Sounds to me like these people are WAY more pro-American than the Marxist mouth-breathers they've elected.

• Gallup: Americans Increasingly Skeptical Of Global Warming

Despite the tireless efforts of Big Al and his cavalcade of anti-capitalism liberal sycophants, the American public turns out to be not so stupid after all. This is a really good sign, and more than enough reason to have some frosty, delicious margaritas! 

 

Pelosi Calls Protesters "Mutant Nazi Racists From Hell"

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today again forcefully spoke out against individuals protesting her party's nationalized healthcare proposal. Her latest comments drew applause from the White House and fellow Democrats, and condemnation from Republicans and conservatives.

"I've seen the videos of those inbred church-going rednecks attending the town hall meetings, and I've got to say they make me want to puke," said an angry Pelosi. "President Obama is trying to make their lives better, and all they want to do is ask questions. Well, I've got your answers right here (grabbing her crotch), you filthy, mutant Nazi racists from Hell."

Republic chairman Michael Steele released a statement calling Pelosi's comments "about what you'd expect from a senile old hose-bag with the IQ of an eraser." Senate leader Harry Reid responded to Steele's statement, saying, "I resent the GOP's character assassination of Speaker Pelosi, I know for a fact she has the IQ of at least a marmoset. Maybe a slightly retarded one."

My comments: Wow, this is getting really good! While the angry mob grabs some pitchforks and Molotov cocktails, let's have some delicious margaritas!

   

Speaker Pelosi                         Retarded Marmoset

    

Released Journalists Molested But Free

LOS ANGELES (SR) - Former President Bill Clinton and two American journalists arrived in California Wednesday after flying from North Korea where the reporters had been held for over four months.

Euna Lee and Laura Ling, sentenced to 12 years of hard labor for allegedly entering North Korea illegally, were granted a pardon by Kim Jong Ill following unusual talks with Clinton. The two women appeared to be in good health and thanked the former President and his staff for securing their release.

"We were afraid we would be sent to a labor camp," said a tearful Ling to reporters. "Yesterday we were told we had a visitor, and when we saw Mr. Clinton we were so relieved, knowing that although we'd be sexually molested, at least we were on our way home."

My comments: I just love happy endings! Kudos to Bill for getting these young ladies sprung, let's hope he didn't pass on any communicable diseases!

Margarita anyone?

White House: "Bend Over, Middle Class"

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama's treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, and chief economic advisor, Larry Summers, said Sunday they cannot rule out higher taxes on the middle class to help tame an exploding budget deficit, and pay for the President's socialized nationalized healthcare plan.

Geithner said the White House was not ready to rule out a tax hike to lower the federal deficit: "What, you think raping the rich is going to be enough to pay for all this crap? Since the poor don't pay taxes, I guess that pretty much leaves the middle class. Sorry."

Concerning the White House's health care plan, Summers said Obama's proposed healthcare overhaul needs funding from somewhere: "What, you think raping the rich is going to be enough to pay for all this crap? Since the poor don't pay taxes, I guess that pretty much leaves the middle class. Tough titties"

My comments: Oh, like this is some big surprise - anyone smarter than a Cocker Spaniel knew everyone's taxes HAD to go up to pay for all these Democratic paybacks and socialist fantasies.  But hey, let's drink some margaritas and worry about this later....

 

"A little something for the middle class"