Scooter's Report

ACORN Looking To Change Names

(SR) - ACORN, the troubled community service organization, recently considered changing its name in a bid to rehabilitate its image, according to an internal memo recently found in a dumpster at their San Diego office.

ACORN has been investigated for numerous fraud violations at locations throughout the country resulting in President Obama recently signing a law passed by Congress to cut off much of the organization's funding.

The discovered document lists several suggested new names for ACORN, ranging from "accurate to best-sounding." The suggested names are "Organization Of Crackheads Promoting Liberalism," "Illiterate Leaches For The Socialist State," and "Patriotic Christians For Conservative Ideals."

ACORN has so far denied any plans to change their organization's name.

My comments: I kind of like the last one, where should I send my donation?

Happy Thanksgiving!

"A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving"

Obamas Host Indian Leader, Hollywood Elite

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama and First Lady Michelle honored Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh Tuesday night at their first state dinner, along with a dazzling list of Hollywood A-listers, campaign donors, fellow Democrats, commies, sodomites, antichrists, socialists, false prophets, Marxists, jihadists, racists, Godless pinheads, and family.

“Everyone looks great; we’re feeling great, and why the hell shouldn't we, this mutha's costing taxpayers over a million bucks,” White House social secretary Desiree Rogers told a phalanx of cameras as she arrived, betraying no hint of nerves at the biggest social event of the Obama presidency.

The only problem in an otherwise flawless evening was when Prime Minister Singh's wife, Gursharan Kaur, apparently fainted from fear when First Lady Michelle Obama unknowingly startled her. Kaur quickly recovered and although shaken, continued to participate in the evening's festivities.

My comments: Wow, nice party, although I could've done the same thing with some card tables, one of those gigantic sub sandwiches, and a margarita machine for about $250, but I suppose it wouldn't have been the same...

 

President Obama and First Lady with Indian Prime Minister Singh and wife

Global Warming Exposed, Al Gore Hiding

(SR) - As the world digests the thousands of emails and documents stolen from Britain's esteemed East Anglia University's Climate Research Unit that show global warming is as real as new stimulus jobs, the man who got the whole thing started, Al Gore, is nowhere to be found.

Mr. Gore has been the world's leading proponent of global warming, and his efforts have moved the world community toward industrial restrictions that have exacerbated the global recession. Now many are seeking to question Gore about his part in selling the global warming myth, after the leaked research shows the world is actual getting cooler.

"He was here a few days ago, but then he left. We don't know where he is," said an unidentified staff member who answered the phone at Gore's office. Unofficial sightings of the former vice president have been reported in Mexico, Costa Rica, and most recently, Venezuela.

My comments: As another scientific genius on par with Al once said, "Somebody's got some 'splain'n to do!" Here's a tip to finding The Goracle: Look in warm places!

 

Possible Al Gore sighting in Costa Rica

Palin Rising, Obama Falling In Approval

WASHINGTON (SR) - Sarah Palin's poll numbers are rising as fast as President Obama's are falling, according to the latest data.

The President has received no bounce in popularity from his numerous foreign and domestic trips, while Palin has reaped a harvest of publicity and media interest over her new book and accompanying promotional tour.

Despite every attempt by the mainstream media to discredit her and build up President Obama, at this rate Sarah Palin will soon enjoy the higher popularity with the American public.

White House insiders claim the President is taking aggressive steps to reverse his sagging poll numbers, and if his latest photos are any indication, that report is true. Time will tell if these efforts are enough to raise the President's popularity.

My comments: You know, I'm a lady's man through and through, but I don't mind telling you, Barry's looking pretty hot these days...

Muslims Seek International Blasphemy Ban

GENEVA (SR) - In the wake of riots throughout the Islamic world over cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad, Islamic nations are mounting a campaign for an international treaty to ban the mockery of religious symbols and beliefs.

Proposed penalties would range from the beheading and disembowelment of anyone speaking of or portraying in an unflattering matter the Prophet Muhammad, to an icy glare toward those who wipe their butts on images of Jesus.

"There has to be a balance between freedom of expression and respect for others," said Marghoob Saleem Butt, a Pakistani diplomat in Geneva who is lobbying for the ban, "but taking the symbol of a whole religion and portraying him as a terrorist - that is where we draw the line and start raping and lobbing off heads."

While the United States has so far declared it won't accept international treaties that restrict the First Amendment right to free speech, President Obama is showing signs he may be willing to appease the Islamic world.

My comments: I can understand this. Every time I see a disrespectful image of Muhammad I want to cut someone's head off with a butter knife and burn some cars, or at the very least have a margarita.

Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we review an example (below) of the type of thing that would understandably warrant punishment under the proposed law.

 

"Prophet Muhummad with hooters and fishnets"

Holder Defends Needless Trial

WASHINGTON (SR) - Attorney General Eric Holder gave testimony before Congress Wednesday, defending his decision to bring 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four co-conspirators to New York for a civil trial.

Most questions from the lawmakers centered on why a self-avowed terrorist enemy combatant who has repeatedly admitted responsibility for the 9-11 attacks and pleaded for the death penalty would not be tried by a military tribunal and executed for his admitted crimes.

Atty. General Holder defended the move, saying the New York public trial offered the greatest chance of a conviction, and hopefully, a death penalty.

In one heated exchange, Rep. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) challenged Holder's statement, saying, "You freaking moron, Mohammed says he's guilty and wants to be executed, what are you, retarded?" Holder shot back: "Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is not making this decision, and who knows, after a yearlong trial and $100 million we may determine he's innocent."

Kyl later told reporters he also respects Mohammed's right to justice, and said "for a Big Mac and .75 for a bullet, I'd send the Godless fat f*ck to Paradise myself."

My comments: OK, let me get this straight: This guy says he masterminded the killing of thousands of innocent Americans, and wants to be put to death. Eric Holder says no, we have to spend millions of dollars we don't have to give this murdering maggot a public show trial so hopefully we can find him guilty and give him the death penalty? What bizarre alternate universe have I fallen into??

 

Attorney General Eric Holder

Obama Compares Great Wall To First Lady

BEIJING (SR) - Following in the footsteps of Richard Nixon, the first U.S. president to visit the 2,000 -year-old stone wall, President Barack Obama looked upon the Great Wall of China Wednesday and marveled at its grandeur.

Working without a teleprompter, President Obama initially described the landmark as "a really big wall." When pressed by reporters, Obama added, "It's (the wall is) a reminder of the ancient history of the Chinese people."

Apparently still not satisfied with the President's statement, a Chinese journalist asked President Obama if there was anything comparable in the United States, to which he replied, "The last thing I saw in my country that tall, that wide, and that flat was Michelle." The Chinese stared at the ground and nodded their heads in solemn agreement.

My comments: Uh oh...

 

Ninth Wonder of the World?

Obama Visits China, Borrows Money

BEIJING (SR) - President Barack Obama is enjoying a warm reception during his historic visit to China, and has made a point of assuring his nervous hosts that their dollar-based assets are safe.

The visit has been for the most part smooth, save for a few embarrassing incidents with the new presidential limousine, the first of which occurred when the car broke down en-route to a tour of The Forbidden City. After explaining to Chinese President Hu Jintao that he had left his wallet on Air Force One, a grateful Obama borrowed 185 trillion Yaun from his host in order to get the car back on the road.

After touring The Forbidden City, President Obama's limo was again sidelined with a mechanical problem described as an "intermittent canuter valve fluttering probably caused by China's unacceptably high CO2 levels." After borrowing $237.5 trillion Yaun and two panda bears from the Chinese, the car was running again.

Tomorrow President Obama is scheduled to visit the Great Wall, and has agreed to honor President Jintao's request to ride with him.

My comments: What do you want to bet that crappy canuter valve was made in China?

 

President Barack Obama meets Chinese President Hu "Hu Dat"Jintao

Obama Attempts To Bond With Gays

TOKYO (SR) - President Barack Obama possibly used his meeting with Japanese Emperor Akihito Saturday as an opportunity to regain favor with homosexuals who have accused the President of ignoring their interests.

Upon meeting the dashing Akihito, Obama leaned down and attempted to unzip the Emperor's fly with his teeth in an obvious prelude to a sexual act popular with the gay community. Akihito, a heterosexual, moved his crotch slightly out of range of the lunging president's mouth, and smiled uncomfortably as his wife, Empress Michiko, looked on in stunned disbelief.

"I was not prepared for deviant mouth play from President Obama, but I am deeply honored he would find me attractive," said a gracious Emperor Akihito later to reporters.

The President's overt attempt to bond with the gay community using a prominent world leader is not his first, as earlier this year Obama attempted the same move with Saudi King Abdullah, with similar results - the gay community didn't notice and Abdullah was left frightened and confused.

President Obama's next stop is China, where last minute efforts are reportedly underway to erect a waist-high barrier in the official meeting room.

My comments: I know Barry is trying to regain favor with the gay community, but these surprise moves do little more than unnerve his hosts and, I believe, reflect poorly on the First Lady. For God's sake, just stop it already!

 

President Obama lunges for Emperor Akihito's fly 

Fidel Castro "Smitten" With Obama

HAVANA (SR) - In what many are calling a "bromance" for the ages, Fidel Castro has seemingly become so infatuated with Barack Obama that hardly a week goes by without the Cuban president mentioning, writing about, or even phoning his U.S. counterpart.

Insiders claim the friendship is more than mere admiration, and rumors of late night phone calls and computer messenging involving "hot and erotic wordplay" abound. "Even the mention of Obama's name makes El Presidente pant like a dog," reports one unnamed source close to the Cuban leader.

Castro has called Obama sincere, courageous, well meaning, and commonly refers to him as his "political twin." Among other things, he has praised Obama's work ethic, sincerity, vigor, "perfect taut butt," and reportedly sleeps under a full sized photo of a swimsuit-clad Barack Obama over his bed.

Meanwhile, President Obama is said to spend hours alone watching newsreel footage of Castro while wearing a pair of the dictator's underwear received in a recent "goodwill" exchange. One White House staff member remarked, "I believe Barack feels a real bond with Fidel that goes well beyond their common political ideology. It's way, way deeper than that."

My comments: Gee, if not for the age difference and the fact Barry's already married to a brutal Marxist, these two would make a great couple. Let's toast to these love birds of a feather with a delicious margarita!

 

 

Ahmadinejad Orders Obama to Choose

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has demanded that President Obama choose between Israel and Iran according to Iranian state media.

Speaking in Istanbul at the Organization of the Islamic Conference, the Iranian president said, "The support of both Israel and Iran cannot go hand in hand. Everyone knows President Obama hates the Jews, he needs to just say it."

Reacting to Ahmadinejad's comments, President Obama told reporters outside of a Washington mosque that such a declaration "would serve no useful purpose." He then demanded that the Israelis immediately vacate settlements in the West Bank or "face the fiery vengeance of Allah."

My comments: Demanding Barry choose Iran over Israel is like demanding Barney Frank choose sausage over tacos - some things are so obvious they don't need mentioning.

Let's have a delicious margarita while the Israelis build more bomb shelters!

 

Thank You Veterans

To the countless U.S. veterans who have served this country:



We can never thank you enough.

Attack Not Terrorism

WASHINGTON (SR) - Military investigators working closely with the Obama administration have unofficially determined that the deadly shootings at Ft. Hood last week were not a terrorist attack, but rather simply a case of an individual killing people he considered to be infidel enemies in the name of his religion.

An Obama spokesperson cautioned against referring to Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the gunman, as a Muslim: "Just because this individual was a radical jihadist Muslim doesn't automatically make him a terrorist, any more than the fact he was pro-Al-Qaeda or advocated the killing of U.S. troops."

The spokesperson also stressed that Maj. Hasan's religious training and indoctrination by Anwar al Awlaki, an Al-Qaeda recruiter and radical Muslim imam, had no bearing on Hasan's actions. "Just because your religious leader tells you to kill people, doesn't mean you do it."

My comments: I don't know about you, but I feel better now knowing that radical Muslims operating within our military aren't going to be ostracized for their beliefs/actions.

Let's have a margarita and try not to think about this too much.

PS: Gee, I hope I don't get fatwa'd for substituting pubic hair for Anwar's beard and hooters for his eyes (trust me, it's a big improvement). For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do....

 

Radical Muslim imam Anwar al Awlaki

Attack Was Planned

SCOOTER'S REPORT EXCLUSIVE - New evidence is emerging that strongly indicates the recent attack on our country was more than the product of one person's anger or mental illness, but rather a carefully planned and efficiently executed assault involving many.

"This isn't a matter of somebody going crazy, this is the result of a deadly plan conceived by a group of hateful subversives whose only goal is to destroy America and rebuild it in their own demented image," a high-ranking CIA official told our reporter. "These bastards hate everything this country stands for and will go to any lengths to change it."

Officials have yet to publicly identify other individuals that played a part, but say there is substantial evidence that the House health care reform bill voted in on Saturday was the work of "numerous shadowy individuals working within the Democratic Party," besides House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who has taken most of the credit for it.

The bill now goes to the Senate where experts say it faces strong opposition.

My comments: Holy cow! Pelosi, who everybody knows is an enemy of the core values of this country, creates this assault on our health care with the help of God knows who, yet we're surprised when the thing gets passed? Somebody was asleep at the switch and needs to pay for this!

 

Evidence says Pelosi didn't act alone

Pelosi Hides Abortion

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office said yesterday she would not allow the final language of the House health care bill to be publicly posted for 72 hours prior to the vote, contrary to her statement on September 24 that she would.

An unidentified House member said Pelosi's reason for concealing the final bill from the public wasn't because it still includes unpopular items like "death panels" and coverage for illegal immigrants, but because of its provision for taxpayer funded abortions, and the requirement that every insurance holder pay a monthly premium to fund them.

Despite the inevitable outrage from churches and pro-life individuals who would be among those forced by the government to finance the abortions, Pelosi was determined to include the provision. A source in Pelosi's office said, "We tried to talk her out of it, but Nancy just has a thing for killing babies - I think it's part of her religion or something."

My comments: Let's see if I have this straight: This Godless pinhead works for us, yet she's concealing numerous details of the bill she created for us because she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt we would never stand for it? Really? 

As there's probably a law against dipping someone in hot fudge and strapping them to an ant hill (even if they really really deserve it), I guess I'll just have a few margaritas and listen to some music instead.

 House Speaker Nancy Pelosi practices her faith

Democrats Approve Climate Bill

WASHINGTON (SR) - The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee approved a Democratic climate change bill Thursday requiring any industry that can survive to 2020 under the proposed law reduce their greenhouse gas emissions 20 percent, and for the rest who go bankrupt trying, by 100 percent.

Republicans on the committee unanimously boycotted the bill because of the certainty it would, if passed, drive thousands of companies out of business and crush profits for those that remain, ultimately transforming the U.S. into a fetid slum.

Committee Chairman Barbara Boxer defended the bill on the grounds that "business doesn't much matter when polar bears are catching fire." Boxer colleague Senator Frank Lautenburg also dismissed Republican fears of economic collapse, asking reporters, "What good is having a job if everything's frozen solid and you're so freaking cold you can't hardly move?"

My comments: So is this bill to make things colder or hotter? I don't know about you, but I need an answer from one of these clueless pinheads before I hit the GAP this weekend! Let's have a margarita while we wait for their answer.

 

Senator Barbara Boxer

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Clinton Gives Millions To Woo Muslims

Marrakech (SR) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered millions in aid to the Muslim world Tuesday in an attempt to forge closer ties.

Clinton's speech in Morocco unveiled a new set of aid proposals aimed at building on President Barack Obama's promise to seek favor from the Islamic world through appeasement, huge gifts of U.S. taxpayer dollars, and a pledge of less violence toward Muslims attempting to murder our citizens around the world.

The programs announced include $76 million to build dog parks in Syria, $30 million for message schools in Pakistan, $45 million for Brazilian waxes in Somalia and $87 million for neighborhood feng shui in Libya.

"We are committed to building ladders of opportunity to help develop the enormous talent that resides in the people of this region," Mrs. Clinton said, "In return we pray you will stop killing us."

Later to the delight of her hosts, Mrs. Clinton performed a native belly dance.

My comments: Giving tons of money we don't have to those who wish to murder us sounds like a wonderful strategy, but wouldn't it be easier and cheaper just to kill them? Just saying...

White House Explains Guest List

WASHINGTON (SR) - The Obama administration is claiming that most of the embarrassing names on a White House guest list are actually "false positives" - other people who just happen to have the same names.

Released under the threat of an impending lawsuit, visitor names include Reverend Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers, Malik Zulu Shabazz, as well as the usual Marxists, homosexuals, Hollywood actors and directors, atheists, communists, racists, socialists, union leaders, anti war activists, abortion leaders, and radical Muslims.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the Reverend Jeremiah Wright listed was not the infamous head of the racist church Obama attended for 20 years, but actually a plumber that regularly visits the White House to unclog the First Lady's toilet after "pizza nights."

Gibbs also claimed the William Ayers shown on the list was not the convicted terrorist, but one the President's aunts, and that Malik Zulu Shabazz is the children's elderly Jewish nanny, not the New Black Panther chairman that shares a similar name.

My comments: This sounds OK to me, as I personally know at least ten or eleven Malik Zulu Shabazzes myself.

 

"William Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Malik Zulu Shabazz"