Scooter's Report

Details Of Obama Openly Gay Military Released

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama has directed the Pentagon to replace the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with one that will allow openly gay men and women to serve in the military.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, will present details of the plan to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday.

According to sources inside the Pentagon, changes to be implemented include adding choreography to marching regimens, equipping all dorms with double-wide bunks, new fitted uniforms in seasonal color palettes, the installation of hot tubs, and more.

In a potentially controversial move, the Pentagon will announce the formation of a new all-gay, all male company tentatively named "69th Fighting Sodomites." Sources credit the creation of the 69th to House member Barney Frank, who has reportedly been working "very hard and very closely" with gay Pentagon officials.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, I'm gonna puke! Margaritas, STAT!

 

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THIS JUST IN!: Taliban threatens "new style' guerrilla tactics HERE

Analysis: Obama State Of The Union Speech

SCOOTER'S REPORT - Amid plunging popularity, stalled healthcare legislation, and his own party reduced to bickering and backbiting, President Barack Obama needed a dynamic State of the Union address to get his presidency and agenda back on track, and back in favor with the American public.

Did the President succeed? The following is a timeline and our in-depth analysis of President Obama's State of the Union Speech Wednesday night:

8:35 p.m. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi calls the House to order. Barry Sullivan, Majority Floor Services Chief, announces the Senate and Vice President Joe Biden. The Speaker calls the Joint Session to order.

8:57 p.m. First Lady Michelle Obama is escorted into the Executive Gallery. Several people in the audience are startled, and one woman, I think Rep. Maxine Waters, flees in apparent terror, screaming something about "Bigfoot."

9:05 p.m. After being introduced by the House Sergeant at Arms, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi then introduces the President to the Senators and Representatives.

9:06 p.m. President Obama begins his speech.

9:07 p.m. At this point I couldn't listen anymore, and turned off the sound. The President was dressed nicely, wearing a dark suit and red striped tie. Behind him, Speaker Pelosi looked extremely freakish, with wild bug-eyes and exaggerated body and facial movements indicating possible methamphetamine abuse. Vice President Biden appeared to be confused and unsure of his environment - always smiling, frowning, and clapping at inappropriate times. When he stood, it appeared his fly was open.

9:50 p.m. Apparently the President has finished, as he is no longer looking at his teleprompters. All of the Democrats are standing and clapping like crazy except Vice President Biden, who appears to be texting on his cellphone. Speaker Pelosi seems to be overcome with euphoria, and has removed her orthopedic underwear and thrown them at the President's feet, causing him to jump to the side. The Republicans are mostly sitting, and not a few appear to be either asleep or passed out. None of them are smiling, and I see several flip the bird in the President's direction as they are exiting.

9:58 p.m. I finished my margarita and went to bed.

Summary: I thought everyone looked pretty good, outside of Speaker Pelosi and maybe the First Lady.

Obama SOTU Aimed At White Middle Class

WASHINGTON (SR) - In tonight's State of the Union speech, President Barack Obama will attempt to reconnect with those voters who elected him to office, then abandoned him like so many rats off a sinking ship - the white middle class.

The White House intends to use this speech to reverse the groundswell of middle class dissatisfaction with his out-of-control spending, corporate and banking subsidies and takeovers, socialized healthcare agenda, weakness in defense, and general dishonesty.

According to one White House source, the President will "pull out all the stops," including wearing lighter makeup, different hairstyle, and using his campaign-style "white" dialect.

Look for Obama to stay clear of negative issues such as healthcare, terrorism, banks, unions, car companies, Iran, recent elections, the Olympics, abortion, czars, the Federal Reserve, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barney Frank, Eric Holder, Janet Napolitano, climate change, the Senate or House, ACORN, Cap and Trade, jobs, or anything relating to the economy.

"He's basically going to say the state of the union is sound, then talk about his dog, Bo, and recent Hawaiian vacation for an hour, that's it," said the source. "All white middle class people like dogs and vacations to Hawaii - this should do the trick."

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My comments: I'd love to watch Barry weave his magic tonight, but unfortunately I have to stare contemplatively at my living room wall while enjoying a margarita at about that time. Maybe next year.

Who The Hell Is Ellie Light?

BERKELY (SR) - Across the country, that's the question everyone is asking.

This news site was one of many across the country to receive posted comments supporting President Obama from a reader identifying herself as "Ellie Night."

The comments left at over 85 (and counting) sites are sometimes identical, often listed as coming from the town or area hosting the site, and always trumpet Obama's successful accomplishments during his first year in office. Unfortunately, the last point seems to be the problem, as everyone knows Obama has failed miserably at doing anything remotely constructive during his first year.

Obviously Ellie Night is either a deluded mental patient with good letter writing skills, or a fat White House internet employee planting pro-Obama propaganda across the country as fast as his fat little fingers can type.

Many believe Ellie Night is, in fact, White House Director of New Media, Macon Phillips, but there's no proof and Phillips denies any knowledge of the whole thing.

My comments: At first I was afraid maybe Ellie Night was my dark, alter identity surfacing after too many margaritas and tubes of airplane glue, then I remembered I can't see, let alone type - needless to say I am VERY relieved! Speaking of margaritas and airplane glue, who's ready?

 

White House New Media chief, Macon Phillips

Group: Wording Indicator Of Upcoming Attack On U.S.

WASHINGTON (SR) - A U.S. monitoring group warned Sunday that the latest statements coming from Hussein Obama are being seen as a "possible indicator" of an upcoming attack on our nation.

IntelCenter, a US group that monitors websites for domestic threats, claim the statements indicate Hussein Obama is planning to continue his efforts to destroy the U.S. economy with his radical left wing socialist policies.

The center said similar language made in the months leading up to, and after the election of Obama was followed by crippling assaults on our Constitution and economy.

My comments: I don't need some fancy security company to tell me something ominous is coming our way, all I have to do is watch NBC and CSPAN.

Poll: Investors See Obama As Anti-Business Socialist Slimeball

NEW YORK, NY (SR) - U.S. Investors overwhelmingly see President Barack Obama as anti-business and question his ability to wipe his own butt let alone manage a financial crisis, according to a new Bloomberg survey.

The global quarterly poll of investors and analysts finds that 77 percent of U.S. respondents believe Obama is an ignorant socialist slimeball who hates business, with four-out-of-five saying they would have more confidence in a dead squirrel during times of financial crisis.

The poll also finds a decline in Obama’s overall likeability rating one year after taking office, placing him between a farting hedgehog and a bottle of snot.

My comments: I guess investors think a lot more of Barry than I do!

Obama To Campaign For Reid, GOP Jubilant

WASHINGTON (SR) - A White House announcement today that President Barack Obama will appear with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid next month in Las Vegas is prompting jubilant celebration in the GOP, and bitter despair in the Reid campaign.

"I have little doubt we can lose horribly on our own, we don't need help," said Reid's campaign manager. "Really, the President would help us more if he could somehow appear with our Republican challenger."

GOP leader Michael Steele warned his party against prematurely celebrating Reid's defeat, saying Obama's support isn't a 100% guarantee the unpopular Nevada Senator will lose, estimating the likelihood could be "as little as 97%."

My comment: Wow, from messiah to political turd-in-the punchbowl in only one year? That's a shame. Margaritas and party hats anyone?

 

Disaster: Comfort In The Midst Of Suffering

SCOOTER'S REPORT ON SCENE - The stench of death permeates the air amid unthinkable destruction, and millions are left wondering "What now?"

I traveled here this morning to get a true sense of the hopelessness that television images can't convey, and what I found was even worse than I imagined: Dazed survivors looked up at me with pleading, bloodshot eyes, while plaintive moans emanated from countless individuals still struggling to comprehend their sudden and tragic turn of fate.

I came across a sobbing, beautiful young woman named Desiree who told me she felt like she had lost everything, even her will to live. After administering a double Scotch and a comforting back rub, I held her closely, gently kissing her quivering lips and reassuringly whispered in her ear that Martha Coakley was a retard, and that Scott Brown would always "be there" for her and her state.

Upon leaving the Coakley For Senate campaign headquarters in Boston, I said a silent prayer for those men and women who just days ago were seemingly on top of the world with a commanding double digit lead, but now are struggling to find themselves amid one of the worst political implosions this country has ever witnessed.

I took Desiree back to my hotel suite for further comforting, it was the least I could do.

 

"Help"

Pelosi: Law, American Disapproval Won't Stop Us

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Monday bushed aside concerns that Scott Brown's Senate victory in Massachusetts would endanger passage of the healthcare bill.

"Let's remove all doubt, we will have healthcare one way or another," said Pelosi. "We've come too far to be deterred by simple laws or the public's disapproval of this legislation. We're driving this thing right up America's butt, and they can't stop us."

With the looming possibility that Martha Coakley may lose her race, some Democrats have been alluding to a "nuclear option" to pass the bill should Republicans try to filibuster, a move that many see as guaranteeing a broad GOP victory in the midterm elections, as if voters needed another reason to despise this administration.

My comments: I don't think it's too early to start celebrating the upcoming elections with a cool margarita or two!

"It's for your own good"

White House: Who's Martha Coakley?

BOSTON (SR) - Massachusetts Democrat Martha Coakley's campaign is said to be "livid" over President Obama's refusal to personally help her battle Republican Scott Brown for Ted Kennedy's vacated Senate seat.

"We're dying here, and what's Obama doing? Freaking nothing, that's what. He's a cowardly little punk," said one angry Coakley campaign staffer.

Most political analysts believe the President is trying to distance himself from the rapidly sinking Coakley, especially in the wake of election losses in Virginia and New Jersey, not to mention his embarrassing failure to land the 2016 Olympics for Chicago, an assertion the White House flatly denies.

"President Obama is always there for our party, and would have been delighted to help this Gloakey person, whoever he his," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Friday. "Unfortunately, we were not made aware of Mr. Gloakey's request for support until this morning when it was too late, as the President has a haircut and some other things already scheduled."

My comments: I guess the fetid stench of fail emanating from the Coakley campaign wafts all the way to Washington. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we savor that fragrant bouquet!

 

UPDATE! The White House has just announced the President will fly to Massachusetts in an attempt to bolster Martha Coakley's  failing campaign.

Robert Gibbs told reporters Friday afternoon, "The President has determined the Massachusetts campaign deserves his attention, so a haircut and Haiti will just have to wait."

My comments: It looks like the Dems have determined this campaign is a hill worth dying for - let's hope for a high body count...

Massachusetts Cage Match!

BOSTON (SR) -  In one of America's most left-leaning states, a conservative is threatening to take the vacated seat of Senator Ted Kennedy, champion of government healthcare, and all things liberal/immoral.

GOP challenger Scott Brown has rapidly come from behind, and is currently polling even with Democrat Martha Coakley, despite everything the massive Democratic machine has brought to bear against him. Ripples of panic are surging through the Obama administration, as an increasingly-shrill Coakley warns her party of political apocalypse should she be defeated.

On the surface, Coakley should be a shoe-in. She has the backing of the powerful SEIU union, abortion rights groups NARAL and Baby Death, animals rights group PETA, the NEA teacher's union, gay rights groups Rump Riders and Dykes Without Dicks, the Church of Satan, The U.S. Communist Party,  Islamic terrorist defense organization CAIR, as well as every anti-Christian organization in America.

Coakley's problem is her unwavering support for the proposed government healthcare plan, something her challenger has been successfully campaigning against, and clearly a program even individuals who revel in sweaty butt sex and slaughtering babies don't want.

Stay tuned, this one's a cage match.

My comments: Oh man, this is really good. If Scott can beat this Godless commie pinhead, margaritas are on me!

White House Celebrates Obama Accomplishments

WASHINGTON (SR) - The White House website trumpeted President Obama's successes in his first year in office Tuesday, saying his "steady diplomacy" had made America stronger.

Although the achievements listed were mostly broad, generalized statements based on little or no truth ("The global economy has been pulled back from the brink of catastrophe; By prohibiting torture and working to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, we are denying Al-Qaeda a recruiting tool," etc.), there were some verifiable Obama accomplishments mentioned worth noting:

• Sent statue of the chubby old cigar-smoking white guy back to Britain.
• Repaired the clock radio in the Lincoln bedroom.
• Got rid of the restrictive Oval Office tie requirement.
• Instituted pizza night.
• Installed a tire swing in the First Lady's office.
  
• Gave half-white guys everywhere hope and pride.

The G.O.P. issued a statement Tuesday night calling the White House claims of strengthening America "an ego-fueled fantasy born out of deceit, nurtured by lies, and presented as fact by Godless baby-killing morons that wouldn't know truth if it crapped on their faces."

My comments: I'm confused - if the website says it, how can it be false? Let's have a delicious margarita while we bemoan the lies and exaggerations that pass for truth on the interweb these days... 

Iran Accuses Israel, U.S. Of Killing Nuclear Expert

TEHRAN (SR) - Iran said Israel and U.S. spy agencies are likely behind the bomb killing of a prominent nuclear scientist.

Massoud Ali-Mohammadi, a professor of nuclear physics, was killed by a remote-controlled device planted in a giant matzo ball left on a motorcycle in front of his home.

“Signs of evil by Zionist regime and the U.S. can be seen in this terrorist incident,” said Foreign Ministry spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast. In the area of the matzo ball investigators also found a half-eaten corndog, an issue of Playboy magazine, several Marlboro cigarette butts, and a dreidel.

Israeli and U.S. spokespersons called the accusations "so silly," but as a gesture of goodwill offered to provide a "tiny casket" for the burial of Ali-Mohammadi's left nipple, all that remained of the scientist.

My comments: Why is it every time an Iranian nuclear scientist gets blown up by a matzo ball it's the Jew's fault? Give it a break, already!

Dems Defend Reid's Racist Comments

WASHINGTON (SR) - Key Democrats have stepped forward to defend Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's controversial  comments about then-candidate Barack Obama.

Reid is quoted in a new book as referring to Obama as a "light-skinned" black man "with no Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one." In addition, a new story claims Reid told a fellow Democrat last year that Obama was "maybe the most electable 'jungle bunny' ever," because he was  "maybe the only Negro in America not married to an ugly, fat, red-headed white woman."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is one of several key Democrats who has voiced support for Reid, calling his remarks "no different than Senator Byrd referring to all black people as 'porch monkeys' - it doesn't mean anything."

My comments: Obama's a Negro?

Dems insist Sen. Majority Leader Reid no racist

Obama: I Take Responsibility

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama appeared before the American public Thursday and took full responsibility for the recent near-underwear bombing of a passenger jet over Detroit.

"Ultimately, the buck stops with me," Obama said. "When the system fails, it is my responsibility. I could have killed George Bush before he invaded those countries and built Guantanamo, but I didn't. I take the blame."

President Obama said that in the future, individuals will be held accountable, but in this case the reviews indicated a "systemic" failure, not the "retarded misdirections of any one clueless dyke."

To prevent a repetition of such lapses, Obama said he had issued a series of directives primarily focused on creating new ways to make traveling by air even more uncomfortable and arduous for U.S. citizens, if that were possible.

My comments: Thank God Barry didn't do the right thing and send Napolitano back to Arizona, as I'm going to be here for another three months. Let's celebrate with a delicious peach margarita and catch some sun!

Security chief Janet Napolitano: "Not responsible"

Obama Defines, Defends Transparency

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama struck back at the mounting criticism that his administration's secrecy violates his promise on at least eight separate occasions to televise all important legislative hearings.

"I promised the American people that my administration would be absolutely transparent, and it has been," the President told reporters Thursday. "Transparent means to see through or be invisible, and our extensive coverage of every House and Senate hearing dealing with health care reform has been just that: totally invisible," he said.

When asked by reporters when and where the coverage had been broadcast, the President said that "literally thousands of hours of coverage" had  been, and is still being, broadcast on "a special invisible network" operated by MSNBC.

A spokesperson for MSNBC confirmed the network had been broadcasting both the House and Senate hearings on healthcare reform, but that the unprecedented transparency rendered them invisible to all but space aliens.

My comments: I have to say, this restores my faith in Barry's honesty. Let's have a margarita and hope space aliens abduct us and fill us in on the high points of this healthcare thing...

Obama: No Finger Pointing, Bush Did It

WASHINGTON (SR) -  Fresh from his Hawaiian vacation, President Barack Obama unloaded on his security chiefs Tuesday for the near-underwear bombing of a jet over Detroit.

"This was a screw up that could have been disastrous," the President told the chiefs when informed the bomber was almost not read his Miranda rights. "We dodged a bullet, but just barely," he said.

After pledging there would be no finger pointing over the incident, an angry President Obama faulted the Bush administration for provoking the Nigerian bomber and other jihadists to violence, and saying "things will be better" after he closes Guantanamo.

My comments: Wow, after being ridiculed for his typical pussy-boy liberal response to the incident right after it happened, Barry is all of a sudden a regular General George S. Patton! Whether Michelle lent him her balls or he borrowed someone's spine, it's a good thing.

 

PS to my readers: I apologize for showing/mentioning "balls" in three consecutive stories - it was not intentional.

"Bush did it"

Dems Plan Secret Talks In Hidden Locations

SCOOTER'S REPORT - Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader Harry Reid are making plans for a series of secret meetings to merge their respective healthcare bills, despite Barack Obama's campaign promise of transparency in his administration.

According to sources in Pelosi's office, plans call for Democrats to disguise themselves and meet at a number of secret locations around the country, including a swingers club in Boston, a Satanic temple in San Francisco, a gay nightclub in Key West, a Planned Parenthood location in New Jersey, and Barney Frank's den.

While most Republicans are outraged at being excluded from the talks, more than a few expressed relief at not having to visit Rep. Frank's apartment. One GOP Senator put it this way: "I don't need a fat guy with a speech impediment bending me over a couch to know what their healthcare plan is going to feel like."

My comments: Any legislation that has to be this secret must be really, really good. I'd better fire up the margarita machine.

Dems secret healthcare meeting?

Napolitano Demonstrates New Airport Scanner

WASHINGTON (SR) - Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano announced Monday that all major airports will be installing and using new body-scanners, in an attempt to tighten security.

In response to some critics who claim the devices constitute an invasion of privacy, Napolitano demonstrated the scanner in front of the press to show that images produced are not graphic to the point were individuals should be embarrassed.

Napolitano's scan did produce some mild discomfort among reporters, until an aide assured them that the Homeland Security chief was carrying a corndog for lunch.

My comments: Oh good grief, if that's a corndog, are those malted milk balls? I don't know if I can drink enough margaritas to erase this image from my brain, but I've got to try!

 

Janet Napolitano airport scan

Happy New Year I Guess

Although how happy can it be with this arrogant Marxist moron and his Godless minions at the wheel, driving this once-great country straight to Hell?

Let's have a few margaritas and try not to think about it.