Scooter's Report

Pelosi Saves Healthcare Reform!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's statement yesterday at the healthcare summit that the Democrat's healthcare reform plan will create "four million jobs, 400,000 almost immediately - and not just jobs, but jobs in the entrepreneurial world," appears to have rescued the legislation.

Based on Pelosi's scientific calculations, the  GOP today threw their unanimous support behind the President's modified Senate healthcare reform bill. "We had no idea it would create so many millions of entrepreneurial jobs, how can we possibly object?" GOP leader Michael Steele told reporters today.

When pressed on how and where she came up with the job figures, Speaker Pelosi told reporters Friday, "Simple, that's how many entrepreneurial government employees it'll take to make it work."

My comments: Why didn't the Democrats tell us this in the first place? Let's celebrate our coming national prosperity (and free healthcare!) with a delicious margarita! :)

Bipartisan Health Summit Live!

WASHINGTON (Scooter's Report Live From Blair House Via Blackberry) - This morning a bipartisan group from the House and Senate will sit down with President Obama to discuss the President's proposed healthcare legislation. I will report this historic event live for the next six hours, followed by commentary and interviews.

I noticed that up close Nancy Pelosi appears to be made of candle wax or perhaps some kind of resin. Her perfume (Elizabeth Taylor's 'White Diamonds', if I'm not mistaken) doesn't quite conceal an underlying odor of urine and Vicks VapoRub.

So far everyone seems to be friendly, not counting Charles Rangel's heinous crop-dusting of several Republicans in the hallway. I saw Mitch McConnell retaliate by quietly replacing Biden's notes with what looks like a comic book.

In a generous display of bipartisanship, Rep. John Boehner presents Speaker Pelosi with a behind the scenes "Swim With Tilikum" guest pass to Sea World in Orlando, which I feel is very classy. Maybe these two sides can come together!

President Obama comes into the room and shakes hands with everybody, then the members are seated at four tables forming a large square, with Democrats sitting in chairs, and Republicans on what look like little stools.

It sounds like someone put a whoopee cushion on somebody's chair, or maybe it's Rangel again - I can't tell. The President is seated in the middle of the "A" table with Biden, Pelosi, Reid, etc. He's holding an ornate jewel-encrusted goblet of some sort. Pelosi's dress is a little hiked up, and I momentarily turn gay before looking away.

The President convenes the meeting. Biden thumbs through a couple pages of the comic book, then nods off. President Obama is talking about the skyrocketing expense of healthcare. Oh crap, It looks like I forgot to charge my Blackberry last night so I may ha

Democrats: Nuclear Option An Arrogant Power Grab

WASHINGTON (SR) - Embarrassed Democrats are scrambling to distance themselves from a 2005 video recently posted on Breitbart.tv that shows them railing against a Republican threat to utilize the "nuclear option," the same political tactic the Dems are now threatening to use to pass their wildly unpopular government healthcare plan.

Vice President Biden, shown in the video saying, "I pray (to?) God when the Democrats take back control we don't make the kind of naked power grab you (Republicans, not God?) are doing," told MSNBC Wednesday morning that he was on "some crazy medication" that day, and had "no idea" what he was saying. He later told a reporter for the Boston Herald that his "thoughts and speech were being controlled by space aliens" at the time.

In response to questions concerning then-Senator Obama's insistence in the video that the nuclear option was never intended by our founding fathers to be used in this manner, the White House issued a statement accusing Breitbart of "manipulating" the video to portray Obama as an "arrogant, stuttering, big-eared putz saying things he didn't."

Breitbart has yet to comment on the White House's statement.

My comments: Like anal warts on a Berkeley professor, video always comes back to haunt you! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we watch Barry and his Godless minions scramble to revise history!

Senator Biden in 2005: Controlled by space aliens?

Senator: Investigate Global Warming, Waterboard Gore

WASHINGTON (SR) - Senator James Inhofe asked the Obama administration today to investigate the actions of climate scientists revealed by the Climategate Files, and demanded Attorney General Eric Holder find, arrest, and torture Al Gore.

“In [Gore's] science fiction movie, every assertion has been rebutted,” Inhofe said. "This bloviating leftist gas-bag needs to be waterboarded into finally telling the truth, as if he had any concept of what that is."

Gore's former boss, Bill Clinton, was quick to come to his colleague's defense, calling Inhofe's comments "ridiculous," and saying Gore "could no more tell a lie than me."

Mr. Gore has not been seen since the Climategate incident collapsed the global warming argument. Reports indicate he may be living abroad under an assumed identity.

My comments: Al Gore definitely deserves to be tortured for making us use these stupid squiggly light bulbs. I hope they find him.

Possible Al Gore sighting?

Obama and Healthcare: "Like A Retard With Something Shiny"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Verifying French President Nicolas Sarkozy's recent controversial comment about President Obama's increasingly-bizarre fixation with enacting legislation Americans clearly don't want, Obama released his own version of Obamacare to the public today.

The central theme of the President's plan is taxes - lot's of them, starting with, inexplicably,  pharmaceutical companies. "Until we actually, you know, start raising the price of medications, we'll never bring down costs to consumers," Robert Gibbs told confused White House reporters Monday.

In response to Obama's new plan, House Republican Leader John Boehner echoed Sarkozy's earlier statement using an Olympic theme, saying "It's sort of like watching an athlete in an Olympic event, except it's Obama in the Special Olympics, and he's gone off course chasing a kitty."

My comments: I personally object to these comparisons to mentally-challenged individuals, as they're obviously a hell of a lot sharper than some "smart guy" who purposely keeps running into the same tree, while hoping for different results.

Tiger: I'm Sorry

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla. (SR) -  Tiger Woods apologized Friday for cheating on his wife and said he is unsure when he will return to competitive golf.

"I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. I got freaky. What I did was not acceptable, and frankly a few of the things I did aren't even legal in some states," said Woods, looking composed and speaking in a steady voice. His wife, Elin, was not with him although he was accompanied by a woman identified as his therapist.

The whole event carried an air of formality, as Woods, dressed in a suit with an open-collared dress shirt but no pants, spoke from behind a podium backed by a blue curtain.

Woods' statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, if that's what a therapist looks like, I need help! Until I can afford a therapist, I guess a margarita will have to do...

PS: Is that a hickey on her neck?

Woods arrives with his therapist, apologizes to nation, family.

Biden Blows Ash Wednesday

WASHINGTON (SR) - Vice President Joe Biden's attempt to observe the Catholic holy day of Ash Wednesday left onlookers, including President Obama, shaken yesterday.

Biden appeared at an event marking the one-year anniversary of the economic stimulus package Wednesday with a noticeable dark smudge on his forehead, leading most to assume that Biden, a Catholic, was observing Ash Wednesday.

Unfortunately to all within range of the Vice President, that smudge turned out to be human fecal matter, prompting many to leave the room and sickening one reporter to the point she had to be hospitalized.

"Oh, jeez! I honestly have always thought it was "Ass Wednesday," a clearly-embarrassed  Biden replied after being told he had poop instead of ash on his face. An aide produced a wet paper towel and quickly wiped the offending substance from Biden's forehead, leaving what appeared to be a nasty diaper rash.

My comments: Hey, who among us hasn't made that mistake before?

Vice President Joe Biden observes "Ass Wednesday"

CNN Obama Poll: Re-election - NO, Torture - YES

ATLANTA (SR) - In a new CNN poll, only 44 percent of all Americans said they would vote to re-elect the president in two and a half years, and then only if someone gave them a ride to the polling place and held their crack pipe and beer while they voted.

52 percent of Americans said President Barack Obama does not deserve re-election in 2012, but does deserve to be tied to a tree while a gang of drunken midgets wielding wiffle bats attack his nuts.

The CNN poll, conducted Feb. 12-15, has a three percent margin of error.

My comments: I personally don't think Barry has much to worry about, as he's still got a lot of support with midgets, although that may diminish when they get drunk.
Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we think about this.

Republicans Support Obama "Save The Senate" Tour

WASHINGTON (SR) - In a bizarre twist, the GOP is donating millions to President Obama's "Save the Senate" tour, as the President heads west this week to campaign for two embattled Democrats trailing badly against Republican challengers - including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada.

GOP leader Michael Steele said his party will "do everything in our power" to facilitate President Obama's efforts to campaign on behalf of Democrat Senators battling to keep their jobs, including paying all expenses, and coordinating "extensive" press coverage.

Reportedly several of the Senators Obama plans to visit have requested the President send money in lieu of personally appearing or speaking on their behalf.

Sen. Reid's campaign issued a statement thanking the President for his concern, but asking Obama "not mention my name or come to my state." Another Democrat Senator is said to be leaving on an "emergency vacation" to avoid being photographed with the President.

My comments: Oh jeez, like these douchebags aren't going to have a hard enough time getting re-elected, here comes the one guy they're trying to disassociate themselves from! Where do I donate to Barry's rescue mission?

Climategate Scientist: Al Gore Ate Relevant Notes

NORWICH, UK (SR) - The researcher at the center of the ‘Climategate’ affair, whose raw data is crucial to the theory of climate change, has admitted that he no longer has much of the information needed to support the theory of man-made global warming.

The reason Professor Phil Jones has refused Freedom of Information requests for his research data is that Al Gore apparently ate the relevant papers during a visit last year.

"Professor Jones told me he saw Mr. Gore eating reams of documents," one of Jone's co-workers told our reporter. "The next day I personally saw evidence in Mr. Gore's hotel loo that gave credence to the story - easily the biggest paper turd I've ever seen in my life."

The missing data was crucial to the famous ‘hockey stick graph’ used by climate change advocates such as Mr. Gore to support their theory of global warming.

My comments: This doesn't surprise me, as I remember then-Vice President Gore eating the original Kenneth Starr Clinton/Lewinsky report back in the day - all 480 pages of it.

Taliban Vows New Style Guerrilla Warfare

KABUL (SR) - The Taliban vowed on Thursday to fight back with a "new style hit and run" guerrilla campaign against Western and Afghan forces preparing to storm one of their key strongholds in southern Afghanistan.

The NATO assault against the town of Marjah in the Helmand province dubbed "Operation Sheethead Shootfest (OSS)" is expected to begin within days and aims to drive out kill the Taliban, and replace their perverted, retarded society with something more human-like.

In a defiant statement on their website, the Taliban described their new style guerrilla warfare as a modified form of the classic "hit and run" strategy they have labeled "sh*t and run."

"We will attack the infidels with deadly evasive maneuvers, crapping our pants and running all over the place, hopefully hiding before they kill us. The infidels will tire, then go crazy, then go home," the statement said.

My comments: That's not a new strategy, I've employed that fighting style for years!
Let's mix some margaritas while we wait for the fun to begin!

Taliban practicing new "sh*t and run" guerrilla tactics

Michelle Obama Attempts To Defend Husband

WASHINGTON (SR) - Michelle Obama appeared on "Good Morning America" to defend her husband against recent criticism from Sarah Palin.

"I think my husband has done a phenomenal job staying on course, looking his critics in the eye, coming up with clear solutions and and HAHAHAHAHAHAHeeeeeeehee!! Oh God I'm sorry, I just can't do that with a straight face," the First Lady told stunned interviewer Robin Roberts.

"Look, he's an ex-crackhead who's never had a real job, and his political experience consists of community organizing, whatever the hell that is, and a fruitless term in the Senate where his most memorable stands on key issues amounted to him voting 'present,'" said Mrs. Obama. "All things considered, the fact there's still an America after a year of him running the show is absolutely phenomenal. He's a retard."

Later the White House issued a statement saying Mrs. Obama had misspoke during the interview due to an "unexpected adverse reaction to a very strong prescription full-body depilatory."

My comments: Wow, I don't know what a "depilatory" is, but it must be really strong! Let's have a margarita while we Google it.

White House: Obama Critics Helping Al Qaeda

WASHINGTON (SR) - Assistant to the President and Deputy National Security Advisor for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism (ATTPADNSAFHSAC), John Brennan, accused President Obama's critics of "serving the goals of al Qaeda" in a USA Today op-ed Tuesday.

"Terrorists are not 100-feet tall, nor are they all bad people. Most Islamic jihadists are really very nice people, and certainly not worthy of the rank vilification they receive from conservatives," writes Brennan. "By portraying them as dangerous, conservatives are instilling terror, thus becoming the real terrorists."

In his op-ed on behalf of the Obama administration titled "We need no lectures': terrorists are people too," Brennan writes "...it all boils down to this - national security should never get in the way of trying to make new friends."

The administration op-ed is in response to an earlier USA Today editorial entitled "Obama's national security team: These coddling, clueless liberal pussies are going to get us all killed."

My comments: While I applaud Brennan's attempt at calming the harsh rhetoric toward our Islamic adversaries, I wish he would channel that positive energy into just blowing the crap out of more of them. Seriously.

ATTPADNSAFHSAC John Brennan (left)

Khamenei: Our Punch Will Stun The World

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Monday that his country will deliver a punch that will stun the Western world during this week's 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution.

"The Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace will serve a powerful punch that will leave them (Western powers) stunned," Khamenei told a gathering of air force personnel.

The Pentagon brushed aside the Iranian leader's threat, saying intelligence sources indicate the punch does not constitute a serious danger to the United States.

"We believe it's the same common Middle Eastern yogurt and fruit punch, "Mango Lassi," with maybe some rat poison or antifreeze added. We suggest Westerners just not drink it," said a Pentagon spokesman.

Khamenei was at the Tehran air force base to announce the formation of Iran's first tactical heavy bomber wing.

My comments: I wouldn't drink punch made with yogurt even without the rat poison. Also, I'm not all that impressed with their stupid air force. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we cower in our bomb shelters:)

 

New Iranian tactical heavy bomber

Obama: We'll Look At Stupid Republican Ideas

WASHINGTON (SR) - Two days after the White House again reiterated that jobs creation is its first priority, President Obama pledged to increase efforts to advance his unpopular healthcare legislation.

Speaking with Katie Couric on Sunday before the Super Bowl, Obama announced an upcoming televised meeting with Republican and Democratic leaders, apparently bowing to sharp criticism of his administration's almost total lack of transparency and bipartisanship.

"I'm interested at looking at whatever Republican ideas are out there, no matter how stupid or ridiculous they are," the President told the fawning Couric.

Most Republicans are less than enthused about the President's overture, especially after an unnamed source in the White House leaked a portion of the meeting game plan that instructs the television camera operators to "catch Republicans nodding off, picking their noses, scratching their genitals, looking or acting angry, confused, bored, or weird, or whispering to each other like they're planning a robbery."

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R-Oh.) released a  statement later Sunday that said in part: "If they (Democrats) can pull off a televised event that portrays themselves as anything other than Godless, self-serving, socialist pinheads with the aggregate IQ of a broken Lava Lamp, they deserve an Emmy."

My comments: I know I sure wouldn't want to be in that televised meeting, what with my Tourette's, Jimmy legs, and uncontrollable belching/farting. The Republicans better watch themselves - I don't trust Barry and his minions.

President Obama answers a personal question off-camera with Katie Couric

Sarkozy Slams Obama

PARIS (SR) - French President Nicolas Sarkozy has recently become sharply critical of Barack Obama, according to an article published this week in the French daily Le Monde.

In a recent interview Sarkozy was asked to compare his electoral record to Obama's, says the piece. "Obama has been in power for a year, and he has already lost three special elections, Me, I have won two legislative elections and the EU election. Someone's on the 'Fail Boat' and it isn't me," he reportedly replied with a grin.

The article also details a television interview with Sarkozy about his attempt to reform several sectors of French government simultaneously, where he said of Obama's making health care reform his sole focus: "He's like a retard with something shiny, it's all he can think about."

On a humorous note, the piece reports that when recently asked about the Obamas not finding the time to dine with Sarkozy and his wife in Paris last fall, Sarkozy replied, "They had no choice, Michelle couldn't be out during the full moon."

My comments: While I'm not so sure I like that snotty remark about the First Lady, I still appreciate Sarkozy's spunk. Let's raise a delicious margarita toast to the little scrapper!

Obamas and Sarkozys in happier times

Dem Candidates Distance Themselves From "Loser Obama"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Like so many rabid weasels, Democratic incumbents and candidates are publicly turning against their formerly-beloved leader, Barack Obama, in a desperate attempt to keep their jobs.

It seems no matter who one talks to, Obama's party faithful suddenly have little good to say about him or his initiatives. "I've never liked that arrogant SOB," Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark) told hometown reporters, "He's everything I'm against, and if he was here now, I'd kick him in the nuts."

In the swing state of Missouri, Democratic Senate candidate Robin Carnahan wasted little time this week denouncing Obama's budget as "totally f*cked."

"I'm disappointed in the president's budget recommendation," said Carnahan, "Missouri families have to balance their checkbooks, but Barry's spending money like a crackhead who's won the lottery, which I guess in a way he is."

However, Republicans are ridiculing Carnahan's sudden swing, and have tagged her "Rubberstamp Robin'' for her enthusiastic support of every Obama initiative, including his healthcare plan and extending late-term abortion to 48 months. "She lies like a rug - if she wasn't a lesbian she'd gladly have Obama's baby," said one GOP Senator.

My comments: I guess that's the politics of fail - one minute you're the messiah, the next you're the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Let's enjoy a cool, delicious margarita while we reflect on Barry's unfortunate transformation.

Democratic Senate candidate Robin Carnahan (left)

Ahmadinejad Threatens Harsh Blow, Barney Frank Accepts

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his nation will deliver a "harsh blow" on this year's anniversary of the Islamic Revolution.

Ahmadinejad did not elaborate on the threat, but a spokesman for the Israeli Defense Forces said it likely consists of "a bunch of hairy men and hairier women marching around in bed linens, yelling like retards."

The Iranian president also noted in his address that in the three decades of its history, the Islamic Revolution had "inspired some great developments in the world," obviously referring to their perfecting the art of people blowing themselves up, and beating women for sport.

While the White House has yet to respond to the Iranian threat, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank welcomed the opportunity to participate in the harsh blow, telling President Ahmadinejad he could be in Iran "on a moment's notice."

My comments: Yeah, the Islamic Revolution has really improved Iran over the last 30 years - it's one of the most oil-rich countries on earth, yet now rations gasoline. At this rate of progress in another 30 years they'll be rationing sand.

The good news is that Israel will soon  be terraforming much of this squalid catbox into a huge parking lot, thus sparing many Iranians the agony of another 3 decades under these Godless religious douchebags. Happy anniversary!

 

Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Barney Frank (file photos)

Obama Fix: Bigger Government, Higher Taxes

WASHINGTON (SR) - The government will grow to a record 2.15 million employees this year, according to the budget sent by President Obama to Congress.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs enthusiastically promoted the increase to reporters Tuesday saying, "The great thing is that with the overall jobless rate still through the roof, many of those people can maybe get a job with the government now, at least if they know how to do, you know, government things."

In response to GOP complaints that enlarging the government will further harm the economy, Gibbs was quick to point out that the new government workers would also be paying taxes, thereby bringing in a "significant" amount of extra money to the government.

In addition, Gibbs mentioned how the numerous new backdoor personal and corporate tax increases the administration is instituting will provide even more revenue from the additional government workers.

"Higher taxes, lots more government workers paying the higher taxes, this will provide the money for additional government programs to help those who do not have government jobs," said Gibbs. "It's a win-win for everybody, and just what this country needs to get its fiscal house back in order."

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, I think my head's going to explode! Thank goodness it's past 7:30 AM, I need a margarita!

 

White House's Robert Gibbs explains fiscal benefits of larger government

A Year Later, Obama Still Hasn't Found A Church

WASHINGTON (SR) - A year after coming into office, President Barack Obama still has not found a church to attend.

In answer to a question Monday morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President has been "diligently" seeking a place of worship, but still has not found a church that corresponds to his individual Christian faith.

Gibbs said the president has had difficulty finding an area Christian church that embraces the slaughter of unborn babies, hates white people, and believes that Jesus Christ isn't the only path to salvation.

"They've looked, but most Christian churches around here are not very progressive. Until he finds one that is, the President will continue to worship privately on Sunday mornings," said Gibbs.

My comments: Surely, it can't be that hard to find a Methodist church that hates whitey in Washington DC....

President Obama observes private Sunday morning worship service