Scooter's Report

Sarkozy And Obama Meet, Pretend To Like Each Other

WASHINGTON (SR) - French President Nicolas Sarkozy and President Obama met at the White House Tuesday to discuss global issues, and attempt to play down trans-Atlantic speculation that the men (and their wives) dislike each other.

The two leaders went out of their way to praise each other while appearing before reporters. In a show of affection, President Obama repeatedly referred to Sarkozy as "My Lil' Nicky," and spoke fondly of his trip to Paris last year. Sarkozy in turn congratulated Obama for dissing the Jews and also winning the admiration of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez.

Despite the show of unity, reports from behind the scenes tell a different story. White House sources say Obama continues to have little good to say about the conservative Sarkozy, privately referring to the French leader as "the munchkin." Likewise, according to the French press, Sarkozy likes to refer to President Obama and the First Lady as "Buckwheat and Bigfoot."

Both the French president and his wife are said to be terrified of Mrs. Obama who Mrs. Sarkozy once described to friends as a "shaved Wookie."

My comments: I thought that "Wookie" thing was a joke until I really started to think about it, now I'm not so sure. Hey, who's up for a delicious margarita?

 

Obamas and Sarkozys: No love lost?

Today's Motivation

 
My comments: I made this great motivational poster to show that this site is about more than just criticizing, we also build hope. Right now I hope I have more margarita mix!

Bummer: Obama Survives Afghanistan Visit

KABUL (SR) - Just a week after President Obama signed into law his wildly-unpopular healthcare bill, America woke this morning to more bad news - that the President was on his way safely home after secretly visiting one of the most dangerous places on earth, Afghanistan.

"We are confirming that President Obama was not beheaded with a butter knife by a Taliban operative working within Afghan President Hamid Karzai's security detail this morning," Fox News reported to a stunned nation Sunday. "The President is unharmed and returning to start work on his plan to grant citizenship to 12 million illegal aliens before the November elections."

One angry Florida resident summed up the thoughts of many Americans: "Wall-to-wall Islamic terrorists in Afghanistan and Barry flies in and out on Air Force One without suffering so much as a hangnail. The Taliban deserve to be killed, they totally suck at what they do."

As the crushing news of Obama's well-being set in, millions of grieving Americans turned to their faith, filling churches across the country, while millions of others quietly suffered behind closed doors, fearful and apprehensive of the White House's next move.

My comments: Talk about missed opportunities! At this point I guess the best we can hope for is that Lincoln's ghost will push Barry down the stairs or something. Damn.

 

Afghan President Hamid Karzai and President Obama

Transportation Dept Embraces Bicycles Over Cars

WASHINGTON (SR) - Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking far greater economic consideration than driving.

“Today I want to announce a sea change,” said LaHood. “This is the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized.”

LaHood's goal is to pattern America's transportation system after Cambodia's, where a few cars share crumbling roads choked with tens of thousands of bicycles, mopeds, and oxcarts. 

"Cars go too fast, are way too complicated to operate, and are causing Mother Earth to overheat like crazy. I hate them,"  LaHood recently wrote, prompting automobile manufacturer's stocks to plummet, and 38 dealerships to close across the country.

My comments: His comments forced me to honestly reflect on the fact that every time I start my 500 horsepower Corvette Grand Sport at least one polar bear and maybe 10 - 20 trees die somewhere. Fortunately it doesn't bother me - let's go dust some bicyclists with burnt rubber!

 

UN Praises Obamacare

ATLANTA (SR) - The head of the U.N. World Health Organization on Wednesday praised the Obama healthcare reform bill as a much-needed breakthrough.

"It's time the United States has the same miserable level of healthcare as the rest of the world," said WHO Director General Margaret Chan, "President Obama has made that a reality."

She was speaking to reporters after a lecture in which she argued that unrestricted market forces were limited as a means of providing for the lazy and nonproductive, and that eradicating prosperity is the only way to bring everyone down to a common level.

"Until successful working individuals experience the same general health as a crack whore or transient, there can be no equality in healthcare," said Chan.

My comments: OK, now I know this Obamacare thing stinks to Hell! When those Godless bastages at the UN like something, you can bet it sucks for America. I need a margarita, and fast.

 

WHO Director General Margaret Chan

Obama Sulks After Netanyahu Meeting

WASHINGTON (SR) - Talks between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday apparently failed to satisfy Obama's demand that the Israelis stop building homes in their own country's capital city.

So far the White House has been silent on the outcome of the terse meeting, and relations are at the lowest point in decades between the two countries. President Obama is said to be withdrawn and discouraged - even to the point of not eating, since the discussion.

While Netanyahu's office said the talks unfolded in "good atmosphere," White House insiders say President Obama quickly became frustrated with the Israeli Prime Minister's refusal to cave, at one point loudly yelling, "Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea who you're f*cking with?" Netanyahu was said to have responded by "wiping his butt" on a framed portrait of the First Lady.

After the meeting, a laughing Netanyahu was overheard telling an aide that he "made Barry cry like a little girl." A White House spokesperson later denied the report, saying "...the President was simply momentarily afflicted with allergy-like symptoms that gave the appearance of crying," adding, "Netanyahu is a filthy, lying Jew."

My comments: Wow, it sounds like Barry has a hard time with "no," just like me when I'm on a date! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we pray this incident doesn't bruise Barry's delicate self esteem!

ACORN Folds, Cities Brace For Crime

Chicago (SR) - Community activist group ACORN announced Monday it is folding as a result of falling revenues brought on by the government de-funding the group amid charges of widespread fraud and excessive social retardation.

"Right wing activists have taken away our ability to raise the resources we need," said an ACORN spokesman, "and last time I checked, you can't buy crack without resources. We're outa here."

Major cities around the country are bracing for the expected increase in prostitution and property crime associated with the ACORN employees losing their jobs: "Crime's going to go through the roof," said one Chicago police officer. "At least while working for ACORN they were only stealing from the government."

My comments: Oh crap, that's all we need are thousands more illiterate crooks on the streets. I guess the good news is that now our tax dollars can go to something more worthwhile, like hiring 17,000 additional IRS employees for that Obamacare abortion!

Conservatives Celebrate Dems' Mass Suicide

WASHINGTON (SR) - Millions of conservatives celebrated into the night Sunday after the House, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) passed the healthcare reform bill against the wishes of an overwhelming majority of Americans.

While Republicans toasted their upcoming return to power, Democrats basked in the glow of their victory, especially Rep. Patrick Kennedy (Commie-R.I.), son of the late Sen. Ted Kennedy, who tearfully told reporters that the healthcare bill fulfilled his father's legacy*. Rep. Kennedy's abandoned car was later found partially submerged in the Potomic River.

Sunday's historic vote was proceeded by the Democrats' staged photo-op of Speaker Pelosi, carrying a giant gavel, jubilantly leading her fellow House members to the Capitol building. One witness described the surreal scene as "like the Pied Piper, if the Pied Piper was a twitching, over-botoxed, under-medicated, mentally and morally-challenged old hosebag, wielding a giant hammer instead of a flute, and the rats were, well, rats."

Unfortunately, the festive procession disbanded after Speaker Pelosi accidentally hit herself in the head "five or six times" with the giant gavel. Later, Pelosi again sustained what were described as "numerous head and chest contusions" while attempting to gavel the bill's passing. Several House members close to Pelosi were also reportedly injured, although none seriously.

*The "wanting healthcare for everybody" legacy, not "the getting drunk, womanizing, and killing people" legacy.

My comments: Yahoo! Finally my stupid rich neighbors can buy me the lip implants and anal smoothing I've always wanted! If this doesn't warrant a couple dozen margaritas, nothing does!

Speaker Nancy Pelosi accidentally strikes herself with gavel

Pelosi Asks St. Joseph To Kill Babies

WASHINGTON (SR) - Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard/CA.) said in a news conference today she is "praying to Saint Joseph" for passage of the healthcare reform bill that many expect will bankrupt America while destroying the greatest healthcare system in the history of the world.

"I'm praying to St. Joseph, the patron saint of workers, for passage of this bill that will help many Americans obtain the healthcare and free abortions they so desperately need," said the twitching Pelosi.

When questioned why she's asking a Catholic saint to facilitate a plan that includes the free wholesale slaughter of innocent babies, Pelosi insisted, as she has before, that "Jesus would be a big fan of it if He were alive today. Or real."

My comments: Knowing that Nancy is a 'religious' woman almost makes me not want to run over her in a Hummer full of fat people. Almost. Anyway, let's relax with a cool, delicious margarita while we look forward to the rapidly-approaching day when this Godless pinhead is out of office and out of our lives.

New Pelosi Strategy: Change Bill Name

WASHINGTON (SR) - Sources close to Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard/CA) say she is prepared to divide the healthcare reform bill into 27 parts, and rename each as the "Save the Puppies Act," should her present effort to "dream" the bill into passage prove unsuccessful.        

When asked if the rumor was true, Pelosi's office denied any knowledge of the plan, but did allude to the possibility that numerous emergency bills may be needed to save millions of cute, fluffy puppies from being thrown out of airplanes.

Our sources say the individual bills would have to be passed immediately, due to the fact the airplanes full of puppies are already in the air. Lawmakers would have the opportunity to read the bills after they had been signed into law by President Obama.

More on this as it develops.

My comments: Even though it sounds fishy, can we afford not to support the passage of legislation that saves puppies? Of course the answer is no. Let's pray they move fast on this thing, but I'm setting up big nets in my back yard just in case.

Obama Sways Kucinich

WASHINGTON (SR) - U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich announced Wednesday that he had changed his mind, and would be voting 'yes' on a healthcare reform bill he earlier rejected as not being Marxist enough.

The diminutive Congressman's change of heart/loss of spine comes the day after he was invited to travel with the President and First Lady aboard Air Force One to Cleveland, where Obama gave a speech supporting his plan.

"I have doubts about the bill," Kucinich said. "This is not the communist bill I wanted to support. However, after spending some quality time yesterday with the President and sweet, sweet Michelle My Belle, I’ve decided to cast a vote in favor of the legislation, right after I get tested for STDs."

Kucinich's sudden reversal puts Democrats one vote closer to passing the incredibly unpopular bill, and elevating his popularity with the average American from "simply despised" to "loathed to the point of puking," according to polls.

My comments: Let's have a delicious margarita and try not to think about what the heck was going on in our airplane - hopefully they put down plastic or something!

 

Rep. Kucinich: "I'm voting 'yes' now."

Netanyahu To Obama: "I've Got Your Demands Right Here"

JERUSALEM (SR) - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded sharply to White House demands that he scrap plans for 1,600 new Jewish homes in Jerusalem, deepening tensions between the two countries.

In a speech Monday, the Israeli Prime Minister insisted that construction would continue, despite what he called "barked demands from some pompous little douche working on behalf of our enemies."

The White House had condemned Israel's plan to build the houses in  a series of strong admonishments delivered through Foreign Secretary Hillary Clinton and Vice President Biden, finally culminating in a blunt demand that the plan be scrapped altogether.

"I've got your demands right here," Netanyahu said Monday in Parliament while grasping his crotch to thunderous applause, but many in Israel worry that the defiant gesture will further erode an already near-total lack of support from the Obama administration.

My comments: Good for Bibi! I guess he decided to put his own country's interests ahead of kneeling to an arrogant, Godless envoy for Israel's enemies. Here's to real leadership (toast margarita here).

Prime Minister Netanyahu responds to Obama's demands

Muslims Protest Obama Visit To Indonesia

JAKARTA, Indonesia (SR) -  Thousands of followers of a conservative Islamic group held demonstrations Sunday in several Indonesian cities against the planned visit of President Barack Obama.

"We know Obama spent his childhood in Indonesia, but he's not any more a Muslim than he is a Christian - we don't know what the hell he is, but we do know we'd love to cut his head off," said protest leader Nasruden.

President Obama is scheduled to visit Indonesia later this month.

My comments: In the spirit of promoting peaceful ties with the Indonesian Islamic community and setting the stage for the President's visit, I am distributing to newspapers, mosques, and Islamic schools throughout Indonesia the same Obama goodwill cards we've sent to our Middle Eastern Barack Fan Club members. I hope it helps!

 

Whales, Tigers, More Whales

Sushi Chef Charged With Serving Whale

SANTA MONICA (SR) - A California sushi chef and the restaurant in which he worked have been charged with illegally serving meat from a whale, the Justice Department said on Thursday.

In a possibly related story, authorities in Florida are investigating "suspicious injuries" to Tilikum, the retired whale that killed a trainer at Sea World last month. Reportedly the killer whale is missing a flipper and part of its tail.

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Tiger Woods likely to play at Masters tournament

AUGUSTA, GEORGIA (SR) - Sources close to Tiger Woods said it is "very likely" he will return to action at next month's Masters Tournament at August Georgia."There's always plenty of hot, big-boobed bimbettes at the Masters, I don't think "T" can help himself, he'll play," said the pro golfer close to Woods.

No word yet on whether Woods will play golf in the upcoming tournament, one of golf's biggest.

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Lesbian Sues School Over Prom

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI (SR) - A lesbian student is suing because her high school canceled the prom in response to her request to wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend.

A spokesman for the school district said the cancellation had "less to do with the fact the student is a lesbian and more to do with the fact she is a fat lesbian."

"If she was smoking hot, there would be no problem, but come on, this chick in a tuxedo dirty dancing with another heffalump would be like watching a Sea World show 'gone wild,' only without all the killing."

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My comments: That last story made me throw up in my mouth a little - thankfully nothing a delicious margarita can't fix. Join me?

No, this is not an article

I'm traveling burned out traveling again still burned out, please talk among yourselves.