SCOOTER'S REPORT EXCLUSIVE: After years of speculation, knowledgeable sources have verified that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is, in fact, a zombie.
"This individual died 14 years ago inhaling spray paint," said a close acquaintance who was willing to come forward. "A voodoo doctor reanimated her but she came back retarded and kind of jerky. Also, she smells like cheese."
Colleagues of Pelosi have long suspected she was either a glue sniffer, undead, or simply severely retarded.
"Am I surprised Madame Speaker is a zombie? Not really, I watched her eat a rat last year." remarked Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.
My comments: Like this is news. Next.