Scooter's Report

Dems Diss First Lady

WASHINGTON (SR) - First Lady Michelle Obama's $4.5 billion campaign for healthier school lunches has stalled in Congress after more than 100 Democrats protested the use of food stamp dollars to pay for it.

"It's just plain wrong," said Rep. Jim McGovern, D-Mass.. "Taking Democrat voters' food money to buy tofu burgers for a bunch of fat kids? Give me a freaking break."

Sources say the nutrition bill has been one of the First Lady's top priorities, second only to vacationing, shopping, and staging elaborate celebrity-studded parties for campaign supporters.

"This was a big thing with her," said one staff member. "This was Michelle's big chance to share the stage with Barack by spending billions of dollars of borrowed money on her own retarded social program. She's very disappointed, and putting away the Ben & Jerry's like there's no tomorrow."

My comments: Holy chicken taco! The Dems have gone from fighting amongst themselves to a full-scale disrespecting of even the First Lady!

First Lady Michelle: Not happy with fellow Dems.

Obama: Precepts Of Christ Spoke To Me

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (SR) - President Obama gave his lengthiest dissertation yet on his Christian faith, at a campaign event Tuesday in New Mexico.

Obviously sensitive to poll results showing many Americans believe he is a Muslim terrorist set on destroying the country, Obama discussed what drew him to Christianity, and how that faith guides his political life.

"I became a Christian by choice," said the President. "It was because the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead. Being my brother's and sister's keeper. Treating others as they would treat me. Killing unwanted babies. Being polite."

Obama's mention of Jesus marked a departure from his past statements concerning his faith, where he has repeatedly claimed there are "many" paths to salvation. This discussion was clearly intended to drive home the point to Christian voters that he is, in fact, was one of them.

"I knew that if Jesus could lead the Jews to Egypt," Obama said with what appeared to be a tear in his eye, "He could lead me to a better life, and he has - I paid rent and flew coach when I was a Muslim."

My comments: You can tell it's election season when Barry trots out his Christian faith, but c'mon, the robe and sandals were a little over the top...

President Obama discusses his Christian faith in New Mexico

Democrats Eating Their Own

WASHINGTON (SR) - Infighting in the Democratic Party continues to escalate, as evidenced by the latest comments from the White House.

Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at liberals unhappy with the lack of advancement on objectives such as allowing late-term abortions to the age of two, and the additional 48% "fat-cat" tax on white people earning over $100K a year.

"For God's sake, quit whining - we've done enough damage already." Biden said on the MSNBC program 'The Last Word.'

President Obama echoed those sentiments when he chastised Democrat voters thinking of staying home and getting high instead of voting for guaranteed losers in the upcoming midterm elections.

"It is inexcusable for any Democrat or progressive right now to be passed out on the sidelines in this midterm election. Put down the crack pipe, steal a car, and go vote," Obama said.

My comments: That's right, you Democrats/progressives/socialist/commies - get back on that Fail Bus! Next stop: Political Purgatory!

Ahmadinejad and Farrakhan Share Romantic Dinner

New York (SR) - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan enjoyed a private dinner while the Iranian president was in town last week to speak at the UN.

One unidentified source claims the two men enjoyed each others company "a lot," alleging the two were "trading shoulder massages and feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries."

Rumors that Ahmadinejad had removed his pants beneath the cloth-covered table could not be confirmed, nor could allegations that Farrakhan spent "at least 10 minutes" under the table looking for his spoon.

My comments: Holy Muhammad-mounting-a-monkey, I think I'm going to be sick! Let's just hope Calypso Louie washed his hands before handling that fruit!

Behind the Headlines: An In-Depth Analysis

SCOOTER'S REPORT  - We think, so you don't have to. Today's headlines:

Dems Plan Sex Hit On Boehner

Apparently some retard from the commie blog Daily Kos, accused soon-to-be Speaker of the House, John Boehner, of having an affair with a lobbyist.

If this turns out to be true, Boehner can either do what all shamed Republicans do - apologize and quit, or quickly change parties where his adulterer status would elevate him to sainthood among his fellow Democrats.

If he does the latter, he would be well advised to say the lobbyist was a man and he's gay - liberals hold a special place of honor for randy rump-riders in high office!

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CNN, NBC Chiefs Out

Obama promoters CNN head Jon Klein and NBC chief executive Jeff Zucker were both kicked to the curb today, yet another sign that everything connected with Barry has turned to sh*t. Nice job, comrades!

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 Harry Reid Punts On Tax Cuts

So what to do - extend the Bush tax cuts for everyone and have your socialist partymates hate you, or extend it only for poor people and get thrown out of office when unemployment skyrockets? Hmmm, tough one.

If you're Harry Reid, your options are to pray that God will miraculously bless you with a set of balls, or just sit there like a turd struck with a club - frozen in fear, desperation, and indecision, doing absolutely nothing.

Maybe you need to pray harder next time, Harry :)

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Lindsay Lohan Ordered Back To Jail

Crap, I guess that means we're not going out tonight. What the heck am I supposed to do with all these wine coolers and two pounds of blow?

In a possibly-related story, female inmates and employees in a Los Angeles suburban jail are being given "preemptive" shots of STD antibiotics today. Authorities have yet to comment on the action.

Senate Majority Leader Reid, Lohan (left) with cellmate

Napolitano Warns Of Small-Scale Al-Qaeda Attacks

WASHINGTON (SR) - Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano warned Wednesday that al-Qaeda is looking more to low-tech, small-scale terrorist attacks in this country.

"Unlike large-scale, coordinated, catastrophic attacks, executing smaller-scale attacks requires a lot less intelligence," said Napolitano, testifying before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee. "These carpet-kissers aren't smart, they need to keep it simple."

Napolitano said likely weapons could include phantom doorbell ringing coupled with flaming bags of excrement left on porches, prank phone calls, egg throwing and/or toilet papering of property, and even the detonation of mailboxes.

Napolitano also warned of an increasing threat posed by radicalized Americans inspired by the ideology of violent jihad.

My comments: I've suffered through one of these small-scale al-Qaeda attacks, and can attest to the destructive power of common eggs when deployed by trained jihadists.

Homeland Security Chief Napolitano displays likely al-Qaeda weapon

Carter - Obama Comparisons Striking

(SR) - As the Obama presidency continues its rocket ride to Fail Town, comparisons between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter are increasingly being made. Here's a sampling of the striking similarities between the two presidents:

• Obama has followed Carter's losing strategy of cramming one unpopular socialist program after another down an unwilling public's throat with the same predictable results: political suicide.

• Both men are half white - Obama had a white mother and black father, while Carter had a white mother and space alien father.

• Both presidents experienced record declines in popularity. Carter's popularity rating went from "savior" to "fungus" in 17 months, while Obama's rating went from "messiah" to "dog turd" in only 11 - faster than any other president in the last 100 years.

• Carter had a retarded brother who said something stupid every time he opened his mouth, Obama has the equivalent with wife, Michelle.

• Both presidents hate the Jews, and have worked tirelessly to hand Israel over to her enemies.

• Obama shares Carter's proclivity for sitting pantsless at the Oval Office presidential desk and playing with himself.

• Both men like pie.

More comparisons are sure to follow, as Obama's presidency continues to follow Carter's blueprint for epic fail.

My comments: Wow, these guys are like political doppelgangers! Only time will tell which of these two socialist pinheads is the biggest failure, but my money's on Barry!

 

Obama Brutalized On Live TV

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama was verbally abused Monday on a live televised conversation called "Investing In American."

The program featured Obama answering questions about the economy from an audience of American workers, students, business people and retirees, and was created by the White House to portray the President as being "confidently in control of a recovering economy."

Unfortunately for Obama, the event came off more like a lopsided cage match, as he was pummeled by an unending barrage of savage criticism about his poor performance as President.

Afterward, the President was overheard yelling backstage at unidentified staff members about the audience and questions, at one point saying, "If I wanted my nuts torn off, I'd have stayed home and jumped Michelle."

My comments: Wow, Barry was verbally raped, beaten, and set on fire by that group, and some of them were Democrats! Not a good sign for him...

Obamas Go To Real Church

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama and his family attended church across the street from the White House Sunday morning.

The Obamas walked the short distance to the Episcopal church, where the First Lady was momentarily denied entrance until Secret Service personnel convinced them she was not a pet.

After the service, a White House source reported the President was unhappy with the sermon's message: "He couldn't believe the minister spent the whole sermon talking about Jesus, and didn't mention anything about the sins of white America toward blacks. I doubt if he's going back."

Obama spent the rest of the day smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and playing golf.

My comments: You can tell when elections are coming, Barry starts going to church. I give him credit for stepping out of his comfort zone - it gotta be hard for him to have to sit and listen to that Jesus stuff...

  
Obamas leave church

Behind the Headlines: An In-depth Analysis

SCOOTER'S REPORT - We think, so you don't have to. Here's today's headlines:

White House: Global Warming Out, Global "Climate Disruption" In

It's hard to get people to cough up 'carbon' taxes to fight global warming when they're freezing their butts off in a record cold spell, so it's not surprising the Obama administration would change 'global warming' to something a little more broad.

Now when it's too rainy, too snowy, too windy, too humid, too dry, too sunny, too calm, too dusty, too hot, or too cold, liberals can sound the panic alarm and once again scare the crap (and the dollars) out of the mentally dim. Nice move, climate Nazis...

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 Audit: $2 Million Per Stimulus Job

It seems the $111 million in borrowed stimulus money Los Angeles received created 55 jobs. That's not a misprint. Fifty-five. Five five. We're talking less than 56 here.

As shocking as these results are, I suspect it's still better than the national average. The good news is that Barry's administration probably hired 200 people at around $125K a year each to dole out this money, so it's all good.

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Maxine Waters's Aides Expelled From Pelosi Event

OK, how insignificant must one feel to be expelled from a Pelosi speech, especially when you're just as morally and mentally challenged as Nancy? You'd think Pelosi's handlers would be paying people to stand in front of this vapid retard for a ten minute speech, but apparently even by their low standards, Waters's people were unacceptable.

Pelosi should have let them stay, as it would have elevated the aggregate IQ in the room to at least that of a small appliance.

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Study: Internet Users Staying Connected During Sex

Who the hell comes up with this stuff? Is there somebody monit uh uh uh oh yeah that's it yes yes more of that yeah ouch that hurts ok that's better yes yes more Vicks VapoRub oh oh oh oh oh oh oh talk Japanese to me yes yes oh oh oh ok now bark like a dog no more like a poodle yes that's it yeah uh uh uh is that a cheese grater good oh oh oh oh oh yes yes oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maxine Waters aides crash Pelosi event

Michelle Obama: My Life Is Hell

SCOOTER'S REPORT - During a visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Carla Bruni last March, Michelle Obama privately confided to Bruni that she hates being First Lady.

In her new book, "Carla And The Ambitious," Miss Bruni divulges that Mrs. Obama replied when asked about being a U.S. president’s wife: "Don't ask! Living with 'Little Lord Fauntleroy' in a haunted house full of old dead white guys' pictures and crap - It's hell."

During the visit, Sarkozy reportedly privately referred to President Obama as a "dumb d*ckhead," and Michelle as "the missing link," joking she gave him fleas when they hugged.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs called the book "one person's opinion," but said the allegation about the fleas was "patently false," saying the First Lady has worn a flea collar "for years."

My comments: Oh, poor Michelle! Having to eat all that rich food, live in mansions, hobnob with celebrities, and jet around the world in a private 747! My heart bleeds for you, you spoiled, elitist, ignorant liberal pinhead...

Sarkozy and Bruni visit the Obamas in 2009

Reid Stuffs Defense Bill

WASHINGTON DC (SR) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he will add the DREAM Act, a highly unpopular and controversial immigration measure offering citizenship to some illegal immigrants, to an upcoming defense policy bill.

DREAM is an acronym for Don't Remove Ethnic Alien Morons.

Reid, who is fighting for his political life, called the DREAM Act "really important, especially for those illegal aliens of voting age living in Nevada."

Reid made the announcement at a Washington DC lowrider convention. 

My comments: This is the kind of stuff we're not going to miss much when you're out of office, you miserable self-serving pinhead!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (front, 2nd from right)

Michelle Lectures Restaurant Owners About Food

WASHINGTON, DC (SR) - First Lady Michelle Obama told members of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) that they need to serve fewer things people want.

"As humans, we are programmed to crave sugary, fatty, salty foods," Mrs. Obama told the group. "My own diet consists primarily of fried pork products and cheesecake, and as long as you serve these things, my health is at risk."

Mrs. Obama suggested restaurants stop serving french fries, mac and cheese, chicken fingers, and cheeseburgers, and offer in their place carrots and apple slices. She said she understood that by doing this most restaurants would go out of business, but said "the problem of obesity is so great, it must be addressed urgently by all means."

The First Lady's address was cut short when her girdle apparently exploded, slightly injuring several board members and knocking over the backdrop.

Board members of the Association later privately referred to Mrs. Obama as a "liberal pinhead," and called her address "incredibly retarded, even for her."

My comments: Nothing like getting lectured about healthy eating by someone whose ass is so big it has its own gravitational pull. Hey Michelle, eat this!

 

First Lady Michelle enjoys a snack at NRA meeting

Dem Candidates Masquerading As Republicans

SCOOTER'S REPORT EXCLUSIVE - Amid a growing number of reports that Democrat candidates are attempting to hide their party affiliation from voters, we contacted the campaign offices of two candidates involved in high profile races to see for ourselves:

Ohio Rep. Steve Driehaus

Driehaus campaign office (DCO): Driehaus for Congress, may I help You?

SR: Hello. Is Rep. Driehaus a Democrat?

DCO: Do you like Democrats?

SR: Of course not, they suck.

DCO: Well then, I can tell you that you'd like Rep. Driehaus, he's very conservative...

SR: Did he vote for healthcare?

DCO: (Hang up)

Virginia Rep. Glenn Nye

Nye campagn office (NCO): It's a Nye day for America, how may I help you?

SR: Hello. I just want to know if Rep. Nye is a Democrat.

NCO: Rep. Nye doesn't believe in labels...

SR: Look sister, is he a Democrat or not?

NCO: Sort of not...

SR: So then he's a Republican?

NCO: I'd say more like a Republicrat...

SR: There is no such thing.

NCO: (Hang up)

While our investigation was inconclusive, the fact most Democrat candidates are campaigning under an altered version of the traditional party symbol may indicate a possible attempt to mask their affiliation. More on this as it develops.

News News News!

SCOOTER'S REPORT - If you're looking for news, you came to the right place:

Thousands Of Afghans Protest Quran Burning Plan

Crazed mobs of sweaty Muslims running around the streets of some third world cat box hardly constitutes news.

Anyway, I'm sure they'll get over the charbroiling of their antichrist manifesto after they behead some(more) Christians and burn a few dozen (more) churches - if there's any left. That always seems to make them feel better.

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Unsure Whether Florida Reverend Will Burn Qurans

OK, I think this publicity whore has had his 15 minutes of fame already. Look Reverend, either burn or not burn the damned things - frankly, outside of the pollution killing a few more polar bears, I could really care less.

One thing is for sure, though - thousands of bored Muslims around the world do care, as they'll have no reason to run around downtown screaming like retards and looking for chicks to beat if he doesn't. Better to not disappoint them, I guess.

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Obama Says Voters May Blame Him For Economy

Wow, what an epiphany! I wonder if Barry came to this conclusion himself, or if Rahm Emanuel told him? Either way, it's epic.

At today's news conference Obama said, "For all the progress we've made, we're not there yet." All I can say is thank God Almighty we're not wherever his idea of "there" is...yet.

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California Rocked by Massive Explosion and Fire

This is a horrible tragedy, made all the worse by reports it may have been caused by a foolish stunt.

If these reports turn out to be true, I demand that Rosie O'Donnell be held accountable like any regular person - she should know better than to light a fart in a residential neighborhood after 3 bean burritos and a pitcher of beer.

Prelude to disaster?

Students Paid To Watch Obama

PARMA, Ohio (SR) - Organizers scrambled yesterday to find people to watch President Obama give his speech at Cuyahoga Community College.

With 75 seats remaining only an hour before the speech, Democrat organizers were forced to pay students to listen to the President. Individuals were reportedly paid from $100 to $10,000 and a new car each, with the last seats commanding the highest prices.

"Was it worth ten grand and a new Ford Focus? Probably not, but I was broke," said student Danny Townsend, the person hired to fill the last seat. "Thank God I smoked some bud beforehand."

This speech was the latest in a string of Presidential appearances where organizers have been forced to bribe people to attend.

My comments: There is no way I would sit there and listen to that stumbling, teleprompter-reading moron for less than $25K cash and bottle of Patron Silver (big bottle).

Reid On Nevada Economy: I Didn't Know About It

SEARCHLIGHT, NEV (SR) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he had "nothing to do" with Nevada's devastated economy, one of the worst in the nation.

Reid made the statement while appearing on ABC New's "Top Line" program, when asked about his part in his state's economic meltdown.

"I didn't even know about it, I've been in Washington. How the hell am I supposed to know what's happening 2000 miles away?" asked Reid.

In the same interview, Reid also claimed he had never mentioned that the "surge" would fail during the Iraq war. "Why would I have cared what the hell was going on in Iraq, when Nevada was going broke?"

The interview ended abruptly after it was noticed Reid had wet himself.

My comments: This guy's got the IQ of a chocolate chip cookie - ignore him and maybe he'll go away...

Senate Majority Leader Reid wets himself during interview

Dogs To Obama: Quit Comparing Yourself To Us

PHOENIX (SR) - Dogs across the country are angrily chastising President Obama for claiming his opponents talk about him "like a dog." Obama made the statement at a Labor Day speech in Milwaukee, referring to criticism by GOP leaders about his failed economic efforts.

"I assure the President, that if others were talking about him like a dog, he would be basking in the glow of fawning adoration," said one Chihuahua from Amarillo, Texas. "People like dogs, they don't like you, muchacho."

Dogs On Guard Against Hate (DOGAH) president Sophie issued this statement from their Phoenix, Arizona headquarters:

President Obama's recent comment comparing himself to a dog is wishful thinking at best. The differences between the President and dogs are obvious and many - here are just a few:

• While some of us do occasionally lick our nether regions, we would never kiss the ass of someone like Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, or 90% of the people you surround yourself with.
  
• We lay, but would never lie.
  
• We are somewhat selective who we mate with.

The White House has yet to respond to the criticism.

My comments: Dogs have every right to be upset. I believe the GOP (and most individuals not on welfare or the crack pipe) see Obama more as a bi-product of a dog, than a dog itself - I know I do.

DOGAH president Sophie blasts Obama

Obama "Like A Retard In Front Of A Slot Machine"

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama is planning on spending at least $50 billion more in borrowed money in an effort to strengthen our nation's sputtering economy. The money will be used to build and modernize roads, bridges, and runways.

With nothing to show but continued unemployment after already spending nearly a trillion dollars of borrowed money, the President's decision to "double down" is sure to be unpopular with anyone smarter than a candy bar.

"Obama's like a retard in front of a slot machine - no matter how much he loses, he just can't stop pulling the handle," said one prominent Wall Street analyst. "Unfortunately, he's playing with our grandchildren's money."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended the President's economic strategy, telling reporters, "Look, the President spent months as a community organizer, I think he knows how to run the world's largest economy."

My comments: With this kind of brilliant fiscal strategy, we'll all be peddling crappy little carved souvenirs on the beach to foreign tourists in no time!

News News News!

 SCOOTER'S REPORT - Hard news. Hard commentary. All hard, all the time.

283,000 Jobs Lost During "Recovery Summer"

Oh, that's just great. So much for looking forward to "Faltering Fall" and "Terminal Winter".... 

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120 Days Until the Largest Tax Hike in History

THIS should kick-start the economy and finally create jobs! I don't know why these retarded bozos didn't cut taxes earli...what? Hike? Oh. Never mind.

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600,000 Muslims Crowd Mecca Mosque

Damn, I missed the big prayer-fest at Mecca for Ramadamadoo again!

Maybe next year I can experience the spiritual nirvana of sprawling in the dirt with my face 3" from Abdul's sweaty ass crack while praying to a moon god in front of a little black rock...

On second thought, maybe I'll stay home and drink a margarita.

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Time: Why Obama is "Mr. Unpopular"

Wow, I can only imagine the kind of investigative reporting that went into this earth-shattering expose!

I don't know what's more noteworthy - the fact this fetid liberal fish-wrap would admit their cherished icon is unpopular (BTW, your fat cousin is unpopular, Barry is charting closer to "despised with an intensity usually reserved for puppy torturers"), or the fact they assumed the average American is too stupid to have already figured this out.

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Unemployment Rate Increases to 9.6%

Oval Office: "It did WHAT? Crap! OK, how about this - after vacation let's try the largest tax increase in history, maybe that'll help..."

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Rev. Jesse Jackson's Escalade Stolen, Stripped

Finally, a feel good story to end the week on!

Reportedly, this Holy Man of God's new luxury ride was found stripped of its bling bling wheels. The bad news is it's likely Brother Jesse will want to race-bait/shakedown another innocent company to buy a replacement set.

Hopefully next time the bad guys will strip the Reverend, and leave the car.