SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT (SR) - After reading reports of some females being improperly patted-down by TSA airport security workers, we performed our own undercover investigation to see if this is really happening. Our findings were startling.
We sent an operative playing the part of air passenger (my girlfriend Ginger) through security at Phoenix Sky Harbor airport Wednesday morning, while I followed in line and filmed her treatment on my iPhone.
After politely refusing to walk through the scanner, Ginger was pulled aside by a female TSA agent for a hand pat-down. Almost immediately, the agent's shoulder appeared to brush Ginger's right breast. Seconds later, the agent again made contact with our traveler's right, then left breast while feeling around her waist area. By the time Ginger was allowed to pass, we recorded over 16 contacts with her breasts area by TSA employees, security devices, area furniture, and even decorative plants - plainly in sight of other passengers.
Our investigation proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that TSA agents are, in fact, groping female passengers. We gave photos of the inappropriate behavior to the Phoenix TSA office and are awaiting their response, and will update this story when we receive it.
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It just so happens that's the same number of Americans who believe Barry Obama is doing a good job. Coincidence? I think not.
I guess after reading the first article, this shouldn't be too much of a shock. What I do find shocking is that the head Food Nazi behind this (and other recent retarded "healthy" fatwas) is a woman usually photographed eating a burger and fries, and wields a butt so big it has its own climate.
Hey Michelle, if your diet and exercise program's going to make our children look like you, we'll stick with the chicken nuggets and Cokes.
OK, again we have confirmation that the first article is obviously true.
While I guess these mouth-breathers have the right to murder their unborn child on the whim of a bunch of strangers, those of us who are sane should have the right to take protective custody of this innocent child if these Godless moronic slimeballs have him or her ('it' if you're a liberal).
Well that figures! I suppose it could have been worse - at least it wasn't an illegal alien living in Phoenix...
WASHINGTON (SR) - Rep. Charles Rangel of New York pleaded for mercy Wednesday as his colleagues consider his punishment after finding him guilty of violating House rules.
"As a simple and modest black man, I implore you to consider the numerous racial hardships I've been forced to endure, and the effect those hardships have had on my financial decision making," an emotional Rangel told House members. The 80-year-old politician, famous for his odd straight hairdos and expensive suits, addressed his colleagues in what appeared to be a wig.
Among the 11 charges Rangel was found guilty of were tax evasion, misusing his office, and being a "pompous ethically-challenged parasite in the Democratic tradition."
My comments: Clearly, Charlie is much better suited for mayor of Chicago than Rahm, I think that's where he should go - they have a special fondness for men of Charlie's character there...
Linked at Big Hairy News
WASHINGTON (SR) - Stung by criticism over new TSA pat-down and "nude" scanning procedures, Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano continued to justify the measures at a news conference Tuesday.
"We have good reason to believe that the Taliban has developed penis bombs and are actively attempting to use them onboard a domestic aircraft," said Napolitano. "Unfortunately, the only way to detect these devices is with the new scanners or by physically patting down the crotch area."
When asked why women are also being subjected to the same measures, she replied that "not all male TSA agents are gay."
WASHINGTON (SR) - Hello, this is Scooter Van Neuter reporting from the Scooter's Report Election Central Command located in Washington DC. Throughout the day our seasoned staff of political reporters and analysts will be bringing you the latest up-to-the-minute results in the 2010 midterm elections. Thank you for joining us.
Let's get started by checking on the latest returns for the Senate race in Florida: We've received confirmation that people are voting right now in Florida, but nobody's won yet. Our hunch is that Mark Rubio will probably win, so that's how we're calling this one. Mark Rubio wins.
Switching to the hotly contested Senate race in Nevada between that woman and Harry Reid: Nobody was answering the phone at the voting place we called, so we are calling this race close, but undecided.
Now turning our focus to the House, we check in on the Massachusetts District 4 race between incumbent Barney Frank, and some regular guy who does not have butt sex with other men: Judging by how fruity most people are in that area, we're calling this race in favor of Frank. Barney Frank wins.
Now to the governor's race between Arizona's Jan Brewer and that dorky-looking guy with glasses: We don't have time to check on this one right now, but we strongly favor what Jan did with that anti-Mexican immigration thing, so we're calling this one for Brewer. Jan Brewer wins.
In the hotly contested California governor's race between that old hippie guy and that frumpy Ebay woman, our latest numbers indicate Californians prefer hippies to business people 3 - 1. We're calling this a landslide victory for the hippie. Hippie wins.
Going to Alaska now, we check in on the well-publicized Senate race between write-in candidate Merkatawowski and other people. It's obvious nobody can spell Merdelbowtski so one of the other candidates will win this. Winner: Somebody else.
We're going to get some breakfast now, so let's wrap this up:
2010 Midterm Elections Final Results
Senate - Some Republicans, some Democrats
House - Lots of Republicans with some Democrats
Governors - Republicans and Democrats (I didn't have time to count).
That pretty much wraps up Election 2010. Thank you for again making Scooter's Report America's number one site for political news and commentary. Good night.
Scooter's Report Election Central Command
WASHINGTON (SR) - Across the country, an air of desperation permeates the Democratic party as panicked liberals attempt to bond with conservative voters and distance themselves from Pelosi, Reid, and especially President Obama.
"I was never for Obamacare. The only reason I voted for it was to make Reid think I was on his side, but in reality, I was secretly working to destroy it," Sen. Barney Frank told a crowd Saturday at an NRA meeting.
Meanwhile at a tractor pull in Los Angelas Sunday, Jerry Brown referred to Obama as a "commie asshat," and promised if elected governor of California, he would personally fly to Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco residence and "slap the stupid" out of the unpopular, soon-to-be-replaced Speaker of the House.
My comments: This Fail train better be a long one, as it's obviously going to have a ton of passengers. All aboard, next stop: Loser Town!