The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles: The Party Faithful

The great nothingness

The End.

December 10, 2005

Undercover

Having lost my soon-to-be-ex-husband to the Republicans, I decided to infiltrate their society with the intent of ultimately subverting it toward more noble, liberal ideals.

I carefully executed my strategy. First, I purchased some new conservative clothes. Next, using my dog clippers and a couple of disposable razors, I shaved my armpits and legs for the first time in over 30 years and sold the sacks of hair to a company that makes wigs, netting enough money to pay for the clothes and also a DVD player I'd been wanting. Finally, I went to Macy's where the lady in the cosmetics department helped me pick out and apply some makeup. I have to admit I looked pretty good!

My plan was ambitious and fraught with peril: go into the right wing's inner sanctum, the nerve center of conservatism, the place where liberals fear to tread, the "belly of the beast." That's right, I decided I was going to attend a Christian church! Fortunately, this wasn't much of a stretch for me as I am a very spiritual person and spend at least ten minutes a month meditating with my crystals.

On the way to church, I steadied my nerves by smoking a couple of powerful and pungent joints that my sister in Hawaii had recently sent me. I was thinking of dropping some acid but reconsidered due to the "holiness" of my destination. Also, the last time I did acid I thought my left hand was a lobster, which ultimately led to second-degree melted butter burns and the loss of a thumbnail.

Arriving at the church, I parked my car and made my way toward the building. The first thing I noted was the sentries posted around the place. All these people had huge smiles and assaulted me with various greetings. A couple of them even ran over and shook my hand, which scared the crap out of me. When I reflected upon how similar they were to the gleeful little robots in the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland, I freaked out and ran into the building and took a seat.

I scanned the crowd and was amazed how perky everyone looked, what with their fancy clothes and goofy grins. I was trying to overhear some conversations but soon the music started and the main guy on stage motioned for us to stand and sing along. This part was really surprising as the songs were kinda catchy and the band was actually pretty hot. I quickly ran to the restroom to smoke another joint as this was the first concert I had been to for a while and I wanted to really feel the music.

Unfortunately, I got back to my seat just as the preacher guy started his monologue. It was all about some proctologist's son who left for the big city, partied away all his money, then returned home to his dad who welcomed him back with jewelry and a big dinner party. I didn't really understand the point and before I knew it, fell asleep only to be awakened by the friendly guy next to me serving me some snacks! While the portions were tiny, they weren't bad. I finished all the crackers and drank most of the little juices just as the waiter appeared and took the tray. So far, this church thing wasn't half bad!

I caught a few more winks while the preacher droned on about who-knows-what. Suddenly, the friendly guy thrusts something into my hands and what do you think it was? MONEY! They give you money to come to these places! I looked into the little bag and there must have been over five hundred dollars in there! (It turned out to be five hundred and forty five, to be exact). No wonder everybody is so happy! I figured I'd better get out of there before they realized I wasn't a regular member and wanted their gift back, so I split.

I have to admit, Republicans have got it pretty good. They hang out at these churches on the weekends eating, drinking, rocking out, and then collect their cash before heading out to the International House Of Pancakes. Sweet.