The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles: Not So Silent Night

The great nothingness

The End.

December 17, 2005

Undercover

Last Tuesday I agreed to join my activist friend Nate and a couple of his friends on a mission to eliminate overtly religious symbolism from public places. Our target was a large Catholic church that was prominently displaying a nativity scene on its front lawn. This church was making people look at something potentially damaging to their sensitivities and almost forcing them to become religious. We figured we'd try to save the ACLU some money and take care of it ourselves.

Our plan was to sneak in at night and remove the offending religious figures, leaving in their place a letter denouncing the hurtfulness of forced religion and, of course, calling for the legalization of marijuana.

I met up with Nate, whom we affectionately call "Sasquatch" because he's about five feet tall, easily two hundred pounds, and has a big bushy beard and wild hair. After polishing off several bowls of delightful herb, we quenched our munchies at a local Mexican buffet, then met up with the others and headed to our target. The ride to the church was an unpleasant one, as four bean burritos and a pitcher of beer created some kind of awful cataclysmic chemical reaction in Nate's lower tract, the results of which were distasteful in the extreme. Thankfully, it was a short drive.

Arriving at the church, we checked out the area and were relieved to see it was dimly lit and located on a quiet street. The nativity scene was fairly elaborate, with life-sized characters gathered around a manger, a few sheep and donkeys, and even a canvas backdrop painted to look like a barn. Just looking at it made me want to become religious - it was clear it had to go.

It was cold and still as we crept up to the display and each grabbed a figurine. Carefully and quietly we put them in the van and went back for the rest. Just then, out of a side door of the church came eight to ten nuns walking toward the display. They were laughing and talking as they came around the backdrop, then silently stood, reverently gazing at the holy scene. We had no time to run. Thankfully, I was wearing my shawl and hopefully looked like Mary as I stood motionless looking into the Joseph statue's eyes. Steve posed as the shepherd and except for the tattoos, Reeboks, and puka shell necklace, also looked the part. Marcus was hiding behind a donkey but where was Nate?

Then the unthinkable happened. The peaceful quiet was shattered when out of the manger came a flatulent trumpet blast so loud and angry, several of the nuns fainted and most of the others turned and ran! The two who remained cautiously started walking toward us with crucifixes raised. Just as they reached the manger, Nate suddenly jumped up holding the baby Jesus doll, looking for all the world like a crazed caveman wrapped in swaddling clothes. The last thing I saw before I turned and ran was one wiry little nun hanging onto Nate's leg while the other was beating him so hard with the baby Jesus that its legs flew off. I'll never forget Nate's screams as he pleaded for mercy or the sound that baby Jesus made every time it made contact with his forehead.

With the sound of police sirens and radios in the air, I ran for my life, suddenly aware that a vicious police dog was closely pursuing me. I ran through yards and bushes, even jumped over fences, but couldn't shake the animal. When I slowed, it slowed, when I turned, it turned, dogging my every step, always on the verge of tearing into me with its sharp teeth! Finally, as I ran by, some wino in the alley yelled, "Why is that sheep chasing you?" I turned around and found one of the nativity sheep had gotten caught in the tassels of my shawl! I collapsed in exhaustion.

Three days later I saw Nate after he was released on bail. He still had a perfect impression of the face of the baby Jesus on his forehead, not to mention an irrational fear of religion that will probably take years of psychotherapy to overcome. As for myself, I'll be glad when this holiday season is over.

Doll Nate