February 17, 2006
Corpus Christi, Texas
How could I stay at home after one of the most powerful and evil men in the world goes on a murderous rampage, indiscriminately shooting innocent civilians and quail? My assistant, Scooter, and I headed to Texas to protest bloodthirsty Dick Cheney, hunting, and guns - three things that make me crazy. We planned to do some "guerrilla theater" with Scooter playing a quail and the guy who gets shot, and me playing the VP, wearing a Cheney mask I had leftover from another protest. Scooter modified a chicken costume into a pretty good quail outfit and made a sign that said "Quit Killing Me." He also had some catsup in a baggie to splatter all over himself after I "shot" him with my cardboard gun. This was going to be front page stuff, for sure!
We flew into Corpus Christi, rented a car, and headed for the Armstrong Ranch where Cheney's psycho shoot-fest had taken place, and where a huge contingent of news people was covering the story. During the drive we rehearsed our lines and smoked a couple of joints to help us get into character. We figured we would park a distance away, sneak into the compound, find out where CNN was set up, and stage our dramatic "protest theater" in front of them. Hopefully, if everything went well, the various news groups would want to interview us, giving us an opportunity to also speak out against the war, Mohammed cartoons, marijuana laws, and other important stuff. We left the car in a secluded area about a half-mile from the ranch parking lot where all the news vehicles were gathered. After helping Scooter get into his costume, then donning my hunting outfit and Cheney mask, we headed for our target area, a clearing in front of the media camp.
When we were ready, I jumped into the clearing and yelled, "I'm Dick Cheney, I'm drunk, and I'm lookin' to shoot some defenseless quail!!" At this point, Scooter the quail would run out and I would blow him to smithereens, he'd fall back into the brush, rip off the costume, and douse himself with catsup-blood. Scooter would then stagger back into the scene as the innocent civilian screaming, " That drunken bastard Dick Cheney carelessly shot me!" The only problem was, in my excitement I forgot to pick up my gun! Fortunately, Scooter was paying attention, and brought it with him when he ran out to do his bit. This is the point where someone shouted, "OH MY GOD, THAT GIANT QUAIL IS TRYING TO KILL THE VICE PRESIDENT!!!" Oh, crap! I turned to run but the next thing I knew, security guys came out of nowhere and threw me to the ground, then fell on top of me while gunshots rang out all over the place! I poked my head out from under the pile to see a screaming Scooter running through the brush in a hail of gunfire, his tattered quail costume exploding into a cloud of feathers every time a shot found its mark. They finally quit shooting at him when someone found his quail head in the forest amid a pool of catsup and feathers.
As it turned out, Scooter got away with his life and about a pound of bird shot. He had so much metal in him, we couldn't get him through airport security and had to take the bus back to California. It was almost 24 hours before our story and Scooter's condition were released to the press but it didn't matter, as they were concerned only with what happened to the giant quail. Oh well.