The Texas NeoCon Massacre

February 17, 2006

Corpus Christi, Texas

How could I stay at home after one of the most powerful and evil men in the world goes on a murderous rampage, indiscriminately shooting innocent civilians and quail? My assistant, Scooter, and I headed to Texas to protest bloodthirsty Dick Cheney, hunting, and guns - three things that make me crazy. We planned to do some "guerrilla theater" with Scooter playing a quail and the guy who gets shot, and me playing the VP, wearing a Cheney mask I had leftover from another protest. Scooter modified a chicken costume into a pretty good quail outfit and made a sign that said "Quit Killing Me." He also had some catsup in a baggie to splatter all over himself after I "shot" him with my cardboard gun. This was going to be front page stuff, for sure!

We flew into Corpus Christi, rented a car, and headed for the Armstrong Ranch where Cheney's psycho shoot-fest had taken place, and where a huge contingent of news people was covering the story. During the drive we rehearsed our lines and smoked a couple of joints to help us get into character. We figured we would park a distance away, sneak into the compound, find out where CNN was set up, and stage our dramatic "protest theater" in front of them. Hopefully, if everything went well, the various news groups would want to interview us, giving us an opportunity to also speak out against the war, Mohammed cartoons, marijuana laws, and other important stuff. We left the car in a secluded area about a half-mile from the ranch parking lot where all the news vehicles were gathered. After helping Scooter get into his costume, then donning my hunting outfit and Cheney mask, we headed for our target area, a clearing in front of the media camp.

When we were ready, I jumped into the clearing and yelled, "I'm Dick Cheney, I'm drunk, and I'm lookin' to shoot some defenseless quail!!" At this point, Scooter the quail would run out and I would blow him to smithereens, he'd fall back into the brush, rip off the costume, and douse himself with catsup-blood. Scooter would then stagger back into the scene as the innocent civilian screaming, " That drunken bastard Dick Cheney carelessly shot me!" The only problem was, in my excitement I forgot to pick up my gun! Fortunately, Scooter was paying attention, and brought it with him when he ran out to do his bit. This is the point where someone shouted, "OH MY GOD, THAT GIANT QUAIL IS TRYING TO KILL THE VICE PRESIDENT!!!" Oh, crap! I turned to run but the next thing I knew, security guys came out of nowhere and threw me to the ground, then fell on top of me while gunshots rang out all over the place! I poked my head out from under the pile to see a screaming Scooter running through the brush in a hail of gunfire, his tattered quail costume exploding into a cloud of feathers every time a shot found its mark. They finally quit shooting at him when someone found his quail head in the forest amid a pool of catsup and feathers.

As it turned out, Scooter got away with his life and about a pound of bird shot. He had so much metal in him, we couldn't get him through airport security and had to take the bus back to California. It was almost 24 hours before our story and Scooter's condition were released to the press but it didn't matter, as they were concerned only with what happened to the giant quail. Oh well.

         

Comments

[jarhead john]

Ok, this is classic art with a twist! Your articles are funny, creative, and utterly tasteless (in a beneficial sort of way). Keep up the good work!!!!!

[Suzie]

Added you to my blog roll, hope that was okay!! (smiling)

[Alabama Improper]

Oh great. I'll never get approved.

[Alabama Improper]

OH mercy! Why oh why have I been ignoring you all this time. OK, you have my attention, and hell, I'll even blogroll your peace lovin liberal bleeding heart tree hugging looney ass. ;-)

[TwigaII]

Oh, Ms. Moonbeam!
You gladden and quicken my aging hippy heart with every post of your brave actions against the facsist AMERI KKK A! This causes me to sweat a very special sweat, for my doctor (Weill, at Harvard, naturally) informs me that it contains a forty-year distillation of THC, LSD, PCP, and sundry other conciousness-raising, world saving chemicals. When young women, such as yourself, with fine orientation, lick this sweat from my naked body they are Transformed. They can psychicly stop seal-clubbers in mid-swing; cause oil wells to yield green tea, and fog the spectacles of the eeevil Rumsfeld. You have here a chance to do more goodly goodness than you have ever done before.

I notice that your Worldwide Work takes you around the World, on Faschistic common-carrier modes of transport. To help in your goals, I had a young female associate (under the power of the Licking Sweat) hack all of Larry Summers air miles to your acccount.

You can enjoy a licking when you're next in Cambridge. It's Empoweing!!!!!!!!

Viva Che!
Paolao

[Suzie]

Hi Miss Moombeam,
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment and the email. I left you a message back on the post. I look forward to reading your blog often in the future...so nice to meet ya!!

Next trip let me know...I am an old hippie myself...but with age...now laid back and too easy going for too much excitement....LOL
They keep me on too many drugs to get me up off the sofa...It has to be pretty darn explosive to get my butt out and running.

[SeanS]

Poor Scooter. I hope he heals well. :)

[Ma r t i n @ b l o g b a t]

Poor scooter, with that much birdshot a good magnet could probably make him bipolar.

But good to see you two sacrificing as always on behalf of the sensitivity-awareness crowd. That said, I'm not sure we should be so hard on Cheney - it turns out that weekend he just had a bad case of bird-flew.

[David Amulet]

Oh ... I must have heard this whole story wrong at first. So he was hunting QUAIL ... I thought he was trying to take out the former VP, Dan QUAYLE!

-- david

[web_loafer]

Moonbeam, Every chance I get, I direct my readers to your chronicles. I keep a sharp eye on my blogrolling section, and if I see a NEW next to the link to your blog, I drop everything and head over for a good laugh. Yes, I too try to remember to finish my coffee or soda, and get ready for a sore ribcage from the laughter. It's worth the little pain.

[Gayle]

Justthinkin recommended you on his blog so I came on over. I'm glad I did, even if I did get some of my coffee down the wrong pipe while reading this! It's absolutely brilliant, and I salute you! (No, I'm not in the military, but I salute you anyway!)

Thanks for a great morning laugh... I needed it! :)

[Suzie]

Came over from Patrick's...quite a tale there...funny!!

[Patrick Joubert Conlon]

You did it again, Miss Moonbeam. Why don't I remember to swallow whatever I'm drinking before I start reading your blog? I think I'll send you the bill for a new keyboard.

Jamie, you might not have to fight a duel with me over the divine Miss M. She's an old hippie chick and I'm sure, if we give her a few doobies to smoke, she'll let us both have her - maybe even at the same time. :-O

[Sarge]

Peace, This adventure was the funniest one since you got Barbara Streisands autograph in the ditch down in Crawford. {except maybe your Christmas Dinner} I love it!!

[Justthinkin]

Keep this up PMB...and I'm gonna have to sue you for my heart attack!!! I haven't laughed this hard since the last time I heard Clinton say sex wasn't sex.Ummm...maybe that's why Hillary is so PO'd???
Keep this up, and I'm gonna have to go challenge PatC to a duel for you!!! But I'd still rather take hunting lessons from Dick then swimming lessons from Ted.

[Kevin Johnson]

That, without a doubt, was one of the funniest reads I've come across in a long time. Thank you!

[tommy]

OK you've outdone yourself this time. Most excellent.

[arod]

Funny!