American Gulag

February 4, 2006

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

Hello from Cuba, one of the few enlightened countries in this part of the world. This week I joined several women from Amnesty International on their investigative mission to the dastardly U.S. gulag at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

To show respect to these imprisoned and oppressed freedom fighters, we decided to wear burqas and brought a few Holy Qurans and ornate prayer rugs to hand out. I have never worn a burqa, and have to say it was awfully confining and hot, as the only ventilation was through the little screen area where you look out.

Before seeing the prisoners, we went to the kitchen to inspect their meals being prepared and were disgusted by what we found. First of all, the appetizer was simply unacceptable as the shrimp were small and the presentation uninspired. The main course was "lis-san el qua-thi" (eggplant wrapped meat) and was clearly an attempt to torture these poor men as the portions were meager and served on flimsy paper plates. The final humiliation was the dessert "katayef " - there was hardly any syrup and the cook's attempt at garnishment with orange slices was clumsy and poorly executed. We sampled the meal and although it didn't taste that bad, we were shocked and disgusted by the fact it was served luke-warm.

This all went into our report. As we toured the facility, it became obvious these men were being mistreated. Cells were small and the furniture was mismatched. I personally saw a plaid bedspread paired with striped pillow shams in one cell and in another noticed the drapes were filthy. Speaking through our man described the cheap single-ply toilet paper and toothpaste without fluoride they are forced to use. Another man claimed the only cologne provided is Old Spice and that he's forced to wear boxers even though he's a briefs man. Outrageous! Among other violations, we noticed some cockroaches, frayed carpeting, and poor reception on several televisions.

Midway through our inspection I suffered a distressing side effect of the ethnic food in the form of an unexpected and severe case of intestinal distress. My discomfort was elevated by the lack of ventilation in my burqa and I started getting light-headed due to the lack of "clean" air. After a prolonged restroom break, I felt a little better and was allowed into a cell to present Qurans to the senior holy man and his cell mates.

I was careful to wear gloves so as not to sully the holy book with my "infidel" hands. Unfortunately, my gesture of good will got a little sidetracked as I went to hand the book to the grizzled old holy man. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the biggest sewer roach I've ever laid eyes on, hanging off the side of his turban! I have an insane fear of bugs and before I could even think, I two-handed the Holy Quran upside his head. Needless to say, Abdul dropped faster than Saddam's net worth as his cell mates lunged at me! I screamed for the guard as one jihadist held me while another furiously tried to decapitate me! Thank God all he had was a toothbrush, although by the time the guards pulled him off me, I had severe bristle burns on the back of my neck, which almost required immediate attention. I survived, but was badly shaken.

I understand a fatwa has been issued against me and I've been forced into hiding. I guess it was to be expected in light of the fact that I am now as guilty as the U.S. military of torturing these innocent civilians, something I deeply regret.

     

Story idea by reader "Billy Bob" (watusijoe). Thank you!

Comments

[buy danish]

Is that T.P. " ALL KORAN" toilet paper? You know the T.P.thats made from all Korans, the T.P. that can't wipe you know what, but sure does wipe everybody the wrong way!That is if you don't belong to a death cult!

[Watcher]

Wow. I gotta say, you have reached new heights of stupidity with this one. Does it bother you a bit that right now the close comrades of your poor, mistreated (filthy terrorist) captives at Gitmo are holding a young girl captive? She was doing nothing but reporting on the situation in Iraq and is now living on a short clock. They’ll eventually murder the girl to prove a point (though all it will do is put one more shovel of dirt on their collective coffins). I suppose that standing up with the enemies of the free world makes you feel like an enlightened revolutionary. You should learn a little more about the animals you’re in bed with. Any one of those “poor, mistreated freedom fighters” you saw there would slit your throat just as soon as look at you if given a chance. The thing that gives me peace about people like you is that you’re not very bright, and Darwin was right. Eventually you’ll cuddle up to someone who will use you, then end you. I feel sorry for you. I hope it doesn’t come to that and that you see the truth before your ignorance destroys you.

[Debbie]

That was absolutely great! I am so glad I found you. I needed to read something like that today. Satire, sarcasm, being absurd about the absurd! You are great.

[John the Marine]

Oh. I almost forgot. Where is Burkha Babe? She's very popular with the troops. Perhaps a USO tour is in order. However, you'll have to keep that sexy foot covered up, we don't want the boys in the field to get too worked up.

[John the Marine]

You know it does sound like accommodations are bit shabby. Maybe if they, the prisoners (poor lads), were provided with crayons and Mohamand cartoon place mats to doodle on while they wait for their entree, things would be a little more cheery.

[machsplanck]

Beam:

While you're in Cuba, don't forget to tune into al-Jazeera's pre-Olympic special right here!
http://hippocampy.blogspot.com/2006/02/wide-world-of-wahhabic-sports.html

[DesertElephant]

The conditions seem absolutely deplorable! I'm outraged! How could out military do this?!?!?

They should be kept on hummus and dirty well water with burlap sacks for prayer mats. How dare we treat them that way. There is torture going on there alright... to the American Taxpayer!

On another note, when do we get to see the hot Moonbeam Burkha pictoral complete with the, I hear, scandalous revealing of skin from the upper foot?

[Chief RZ]

Go over to North Korea, China, or even Cuba as an ordinary person, not one that the communists think they can use to influence the uneducated in the USA.
You will find out how the masters treat their slaves.
Read The Bridge at Andau. Talk to real people who have survived the evils of communism. I would be glad to educate you. No drugs.

[jgf]

Oh, my, such a tragedy the way these poor souls are being treated. It was wonderfully thoughtful of you to wear burqas and gloves. I am so sorry that such a kind person such as yourself must be in hiding now. I bet there's a trailer in Oregon that would give you safety. Just check in with Patrick...

[Patricia]

God, I needed a laught today.

That's a classic, LOL!

[Sal]

Fatwa - Schmatwa!

Life on the run is sooo under-rated.

Salman Rushdie
Northwest Territories (for now)

[Ma r t i n @ b l o g b a t]

Right now I'm sure the cockroach is somewhere up in cockroach-heaven with 72 breadcrumbs.

[Biloxi]

At least you didn't throw the bug encrusted Koran in the toilet like those evil thugs posing as guards. Maybe you can apologize to Abdul and perform some ritual Koran cleansing to get back into their good graces.

[Boffo]

Ms. Moonbeam
"story idea"!!
I said that you should WRITE about the atrocities at Gulag Gitmo, not GO THERE!
Yer lucky to have gotten out with a neck scrape (put mink oil on it) and some digestive ailments.

I'm surprised that those jack booted marine guards didn't strip you and them Amnesty ladies bare nekkid, pile you in a pyramid, take pictures then walk you around on leashes for the Herr Rumsfeld visit!

you got out ok, thankfully

Peace, Peace
yer pal
BillyBob

[AliVeritas]

Durbin, is that you?

[web_loafer]

One ritual here at Sanity's Bluff, is this:
Towards the weekend, I start looking for PeaceMoonBeams latest.
This one did not disappoint.
It has been a rotten, no humor week, but I feel better now.

[Ferdinand T. Cat]

Hey, I was stalking her before any of you, and my species invented stalking!

[Patrick Joubert Conlon]

Just when I think you are really turning out to be a lady with taste concerned with lady-like things, ("plaid comforter paired with striped pillow shams") you have to go "off like a bottle rocket!" I still think you'd be right at home here in my trailer in the boonies. It could do with a lady's touch and the methane would come in handy when the propane runs out.

[CD]

Don't post where others can see

You're being stalked

http://forum.protestwarrior.com/viewtopic.php?t=131175

[Justthinkin]

Hi. Just popped over from Pat's place. (Did i spell that right? My IQ just went negative..lol)

Great spot you have here. Gonna have to link you up.
Cheers.