Hare Trigger

March 3, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week we made real progress in the war against hunting. It all started with my offhand remark to some Bambi-killing Neanderthal that I'd consider hunting to be a sport when the prey is also armed. Scooter overheard this and paid a visit to a friend who designs human prosthetics and had him adapt a brain-triggered mechanism that could be linked with a firearm, and voila, the Hunter-B-Gon(TM) was born! Just like the prosthetic hand that grips when signaled by the brain, this trigger mechanism is activated by a small probe in the part of the animal's brain that senses fear. Cool.

I went to the neighborhood pet store and purchased the largest rabbit they had. I named him "Fluffy." Scooter immediately started Fluffy on an intense training program by dressing as a hunter and scaring the crap out of him repeatedly. Once Fluffy was conditioned, our vet friend inserted the little probe into his brain and wired it to the featherweight Kel-Tec P3AT automatic pistol we had taped to his body. It worked perfectly, as every time hunter Scooter jumped at Fluffy, we would hear the "clicking" of the trigger mechanism. Die, hunter! We were ready to release Fluffy into a popular hunting spot outside of town.

In a spirit of fairness, we posted signs in the area that said, "Caution hunters! Animals in this area are armed, and if threatened, will shoot!" We figured this would turn back all but the stupid ones, and they probably deserved to get shot by an animal. Scooter double-checked the apparatus, brushed and fed Fluffy, then loaded the magazine into the gun.

Fluffy took two hops, turned, and shot Scooter in the knee! Oh crap! Apparently scared by the sound of gunfire, Fluffy then shot me in the ankle, shot our car, shot the sign, then shot Scooter (the genius) again, in the crotch. At this point I started clubbing Fluffy with a tree branch as the homicidal bunny fired off another shot which thankfully missed me, but hit Scooter once again, this time in the elbow. Damn, that bunny really had it in for Scooter! Finally I killed Fluffy, but not before he looked up at me with a twisted little grin accompanied by one last "click" of the trigger - thank God the gun was empty.

While Scooter's idea of arming innocent animals was brilliant, his assumption that they possess any kind of reasoning skills was not. As for Fluffy, well, he almost killed us both, and frankly I enjoyed clubbing the snot out of him. One unfortunate result of this whole episode is that Scooter has applied for a hunting license and I fear for rabbits everywhere. On the positive side, Fluffy probably did the world a favor by shooting off Scooter's testicles - knowing he can't reproduce gives me a certain amount of peace.

   

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

I am sure people at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) won't find any fun reading this one. On the other hand, people at PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) will love it. I belong to neither of them and I loved it too. Does it make an animal's enemy out of me? :)

P. Moonbeam: PETA knows my heart.....

[tblubird]

I normally don't comment to your posts - there's usually nothing to add. You are amazing. Thanks for doing what you are doing - it's a nice layover from reading news. By the way - did you doctor your photo? Or is it the result of the incredible Dr. Fuentes?

[Justthinkin]

OKAY....who stole the cute pic??? Shave them eyebrows Peace...LOL

[Seaspook]

Hey Sweetie,

No pressure, but you got me hooked for more. Drink a six pack and get busy. Forget that, wait till you are inspired, it's worth the wait.

[Patty aka Redneck Granny]

That was awesome perhaps Scooter should try it next time with something a little easier on the body like a tazer.

[tommy]

how does he reload?

[Patrick Joubert Conlon]

Miss Moonbeam, you have given me new hope that you will eventually become my redneck floozy. Did you smash the rabbit up too much to eat it? I'm going to have to teach you how to shoot rabbits. They're easier to cook when they aren't pulverized.

[Bonnie]

Your bunny must have been related to the Holy Grail rabbit. Owah Awabama wabbits cawwy sawed off shotguns. It is the way of the South. Please extend my regards to Scooter in his time of healing.

[jarhead john]

Wow, that sure worked great to defend the animals; except for that little part with you killing it.

Ha! Once again, funnier than hell! You make my day every time you post.

[Justthinkin]

Well damn...that was great PMB. I didn't get to read it Friday as that was my b'day, so I was sorta pre-occupied. Thanks for the late b'day laugh. Monty Python would be proud!!!

[David Amulet]

This story will give me nightmares tonight. Rabbits are almost as scary as clowns.

-- david

[Dar]

Wow--thank God you didn't try this with a duck! NEVER give a gun to ducks!

[Seaspook]

Peace,

Where do you get this stuff? Are you a reformed Moonbat, suffer from multiple personality disorder, carrying a Stephen King gene, what?

Great, I love your stuff!

[Jib Trim]

I have never been so frightened in my entire life. Freakin' bunnies.

[Violence Worker]

Again, you've made me laugh out loud! You are the best! I can't wait for your next adventure!!

VW

[Kevin Johnson]

Absolutely brilliant, but this site should come with a warning about reading it at work. My coworkers tend to get nervous when there are unexpected bursts of laughter from my cubicle.

[DesertElephant]

Absolutely brilliant. All I can say, Moonbeam, is you and Scooter need to stay away from animals. Remember the hungry minks? Well, of course not, all those spliffs. And the Turkey costume thing... jut antything animal realated. For Scooter's Sake!

[Sub MOA]

Never bring a pistol to a rifle fight.

[Chris]

I normally don't just post praising comments without injecting something witty of my own, but that was an absolutely brilliant! Very funny!

[GI Joe]

Poooooor little Mr. Rabbit! I thought ALL animals had all kinds of rights! Just listen to any of the animal-rights nuts out there! A Kel-Tec is alright for backup, but you would've given him a Colt or Beretta if you REALLY wanted him to be accurate!

[Porta's Cat]

all well and good, but a KelTec?!?!?!