Free Gas

April 28, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week's three dollar-a-gallon gasoline forced us to get rid of Scooter's old gas-hog Ford Taurus for something more efficient. All our friends and many Hollywood celebrities are driving Toyota Priuses now, so that's what Scooter wanted. He's very ecologically sensitive and had been wanting some "earth-friendly" wheels for a long time. After selling some items for Pepe recently, he finally had enough cash for a down payment on a good used car.

While sampling Pepe's latest, we went online and carefully researched prices on used Priuses and the trade-in value of the Taurus. It looked as if Scooter should be able to buy a couple-year-old Prius for around $20,000 and get approximately $1,200 for his Ford. After college Scooter sold cars so he knew all the inside tricks. He instructed me to "keep quiet and watch the master." I was thinking the only thing Scooter's probably ever been master of is "bating," if you catch my drift. Anyway, after several more bong hits, we headed out to seek our automotive prey.

At our first stop, "Ben Dover's Here's Your Car" used cars, we didn't meet Ben, but were greeted by a fat guy named Tony who wore a shiny suit and lots of jewelry, including a massive diamond Rolex that appeared to be turning his wrist black. After Scooter told him what we were looking for, Tony said he had exactly what we needed, and walked us over to a hulking, green 1995 Chevy Suburban with big tires and no rear bumper. Before Scooter could say a word, Tony said, "Look, a Prius is worth about 20K and that's what you'd pay. Now follow me, Scoots. This cream puff is worth the same 20K but I'm giving it to you for 15. You see what just happened? You just got FIVE THOUSAND bucks for gasoline that you'd never have if you bought that little crapbox-deathtrap-Toyota. Now look Skeeter, here's the clincher: I'll give you THREE GRAND for your junky Taurus, which is easily two more than that scab-on-wheels is worth and BADA BING, there's TWO GRAND MORE for gas! Did you hear what I just said? Now you got over SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS gas money! WHOA! You better sit down now because I'm ready to ice this cake, Scrotum buddy. Because I LIKE you, I'm throwing in another THOUSAND DOLLAR discount OUT OF MY OWN POCKET! I can't believe I just offered you that! This could cost me my job because all of a sudden I'm not only giving away the most beautiful car on the lot, but also BUYING ALL YOUR FRIGGIN GAS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!" I looked at Scooter, he was mesmerized.

Riding home in the Suburban I tried to figure out exactly what had transpired. Somehow Scooter ended up buying the truck for $22,900 plus tax after they added the paint sealant, fabric protectant, undercoating, and rear bumper Tony sold him. They gave Scooter $800 for the Taurus, but only after he got into a big shouting match with Tony's boss who claimed it was only worth $400 since the windshield wipers had dry-rot and the left turn signal didn't work. Scooter seemed satisfied with the weekly payment but I wasn't so sure it was such a great deal.

We stopped for gas and it cost $96.23 to fill the tank. Scooter cried.

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

Scotter really bent over cutting that deal. Ben Dover went all the way through him I, am afraid. :)

P. Moonbeam: He's just not that good with salespeople.

[Sky]

My dear PeaceMoonbeam,

When are you going to come to your senses and admit that you and Scooter should be Man & Wife?

[Seaspook]

John the Marine (Gunny John) has a point. Military recuiters were once like used car salesmen...you could tell they were lying by their moving lips.

[Chris]

Tony Dover?

I don't get it.

[Jeff Wyke]

Ben Dover. That's almost as good as Harry Azcrack. What a riot!

[David Amulet]

No matter how many times I look at it, "Priuses" just looks wrong. I guess the only other pluralized possibiliity is "Priusi," but that sounds like an ancient Roman relgious festival ...

-- david

[Carol]

Really, Peace, that dealer GAVE Scooter eight grand for gasoline, and he endangered his own job in being so generous. Poor man! And fabric sealant will come in handy when Scooter is driving those protesters around. And just think how many protest signs that big ol' SUV will carry. He's a visionary for sure.

[SeanS]

But think of the fun Scooter will have running over those little Prius drivers. Woohoo! Comin' through!!!

[web_loafer]

But John the Marine,

It's not just Scooter, a lot of us civ's out here fall prey to the vultures of used cars.....

As for me;
lately, I am content to buy new ones, pay the ridiculous state taxes...8%, the higher personal property taxes, higher insurance rates and carwash expense, JUST TO AVOID USED CAR SALESMEN.

Used car salemen have a lower approval rating than Congress, or the Mean Spirited Media.

And when you think about it, Scooter has one of the few road machines that really are that, road machines. Oh its no Bradley, but it is welcome on the highways that, me and my brothers control.

(Yes there are women truckdrivers, good drivers, but they don't mind being called brother)

It is the Yugos and Youdontgos that should not be out there on my roads.

Webloafer the Trucker said that and he means it......I will not give up the road and kill myself avoiding a Yugo full of dope crazed hippies....Sorry Moonbeam and Scooter....those are the facts of life.

We all love you Moonbeam and Scooter, but please drive on the bicycle paths if you must use a YUGO.

But hey Scoot, you will find the highways road friendly in that Suburban.........

And if you run out of petro, please for the love of petroleum, coast to the side of the road, and get out of the way. Yes if there is a bicyclist on the emergency shoulder, run over them just to get out of the way.

[jarhead john]

Scooter needs to just save himself the ten tons of unavoidable grief in his future and end his own life. Hell, he'd be doing more for the environment that way. Oops! Was that insensitive?

[Junebugg]

Peace, you'll be in shape before long, Scooter will have you pushing that new Gas Hog when it's running on fumes and you're both broke!

Really, I love your tongue in cheek writing. Thanks for the giggle.

[Gayle]

Poor Scooter. You just have to feel sorry for the guy. He is trying so hard to do the right thing! ROTFALMAO! Peace, I needed that. Thank you. :)

[Violence Worker]

Tony has a clone! I've seen him on late nite TV for Dewey, Cheatham and Howe Motors! Maybe it's his twin!

VW

[John the Marine]

If my life was 1/10 as sad as Scooter's... I would turn my M1911A1 on myself. But then again, at least EXXON MOBILE loves him now. (Tony reminds me of my USMC recruiter in a way.)