Crouching Tiger, Hidden Moron

June 2, 2006

Rural Oregon

I couldn't take anymore. Lately a couple of guys online have been running a continuing series of stories about a bunch of defenseless chickens they've got in poultry prison up in the Oregon boondocks. After seeing the photos of these poor birds and gazing at the anguished expressions on their little faces, I knew I had to free them before they were permanently traumatized by their cruel owners. I called Scooter and we hatched a plan (no pun intended) to rescue them.

We arrived Wednesday night at the secluded farm and prepared for the liberation. Since we were going in under cover of darkness, Scooter decided black ninja outfits would be perfect. It's no secret that he'll use any excuse to wear these stupid get-ups, and the one time he made me wear one, I absolutely hated it. Not only was it dreadfully hot, but it gave me a horrible rash that took weeks to heal. Anyway, we got into our outfits and I noticed Scooter had some of those pointy martial arts "throwing stars" and nunchucks tucked into his waistband. Oh brother. The chicken pens were not far from the mobile home these guys lived in, so we had to be especially stealthy. The plan was for me to act as lookout on the mobile home while "Crouching Tiger," as Scooter asked to be called, rescued the birds.

I took my place behind a tree about 30 feet from the home, while Crouching Tiger disappeared into the darkness. I could hear the TV inside the home and occasionally saw shadows pass by the curtains, but outside all was quiet. A short distance away I heard a rustling and then some clucking as Scooter apparently started liberating the captives. Suddenly, the clucking turned to loud squawking, accompanied by Crouching Pinhead's high-pitched squeals for help. Before I could move, the mobile home's front door flew open, and a couple of bearded guys right out of "Deliverance" ran toward the pens. I yelled a warning, but I don't think Scooter could hear me over his hysterical screams. I decided to stay hidden in case these rednecks murdered Scoots so I could testify against them.

I heard one of the guys say, "What the hell...NINJAS!!" A second later he yelled, "DUCK!!" and something whizzed out of the dark and embedded itself in my thigh - one of Crouching Retard's throwing stars! I made a mental note to kill Scooter, if he survived. Then another voice, "LOOKOUT CHAS, HE'S GOT NUNCHUCKS!" As I listened to the "whooshing" sound of the flying sticks, I momentarily had hope that Scooter actually knew how to use them. A second later I heard a smack, then a heavy thud, followed by Scooter's whimpers and pleas for an ambulance. I figured it was probably a good time to leave, and I did, quietly.

I guess Scooter was lucky. The large rooster that attacked him came this close to completely pecking out his eyes. As it is, he has serious cornea damage but should recover. What's questionable is the outlook for his badly crushed left testicle, the inadvertent target of his "flying sticks of fury." If he ever gets out of jail, I've decided to buy him lessons, for his own good.

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

Yuck. This late adventure will certainly will secure you (and Scooter) a seat on the board of directors of United Poultry Concerned ("The moment you turn your back you are involved", http://www.upc-online.org/).
I'm sure Karen Davis, PhD, will get all too excited reading this, you will become her heroine (not heroin).
I can only advise you to get in touch with the UPC people they have long experience in doing this sort of stuff. Caged poultry can be dangerous.
Take a look at the heartbreaking stories they publish at her website and how their people actually endanger their lives to rescue these birds.
Your story can not be more sympathetic to them.
Remember: The moment you turn your back you are involved.
Take care sweetheart.

P. Moonbeam: We found out how dangerous caged poultry is but we'd do it again in a minute to save those precious birds. Scooter says next time he'll wear goggles.

[Dear Peace Moonbeam]

I just wanted to say I love your blog, I bookmarked it and check it several times a day for new posts :)

People must think I'm crazy at work when I laugh out loud while reading your latest story.

Keep up the good work.

[Bonnie]

Please have Scooter and his Sticks Of Fury report to my yard at once! There's a Speckled Sussex rooster that needs to be dispatched, post haste!

[WTR]

Serves ya both right, Ms. Moonbeam!
Liberating jailbirds like that is a fool's errand, since it is well documented that poultry held in captivity suffer from Stockholm Syndrome of a magnitude that we humans cannot comprehend. Were you prepared to shell out the thousands it would take to 'de-program' those chickens and the months of follow-up psychotherapy they would need?
Yeah...I didn't think so!

(ps- love the 'new' sidebar pic!)

[beth]

Well, at least Scooter isn't worrying about Jumpy anymore (I hope he's reburied the little rodent!).

I'm glad you are in Oregan and not up the tree with Daryl Hannah at any rate! lol

[jarhead john]

Scooter's a complete tool. I don't know why you keep tagging along with him. Dump that baggage and you'll have a higher rate of success on your misguided adventures. Although, your after action reports won't be nearly as entertaining.

[Patty]

Oh my poor scooter. He really needs some one to feel sorry for him. He does have good intentions.