Rocket Revenge

August 10, 2006

Beirut, Lebanon

How could I vacation while bloodthirsty Zionists were again attacking helpless oppressed Arabs? I flew to Lebanon last week to do whatever I could to help the Hizballah freedom fighters defend themselves.

After an uneventful flight, I arrived in Beirut and immediately was driven to the front lines where I joined a crack squadron of Hizballah soldiers bunch of smelly guys in dirty t-shirts carrying guns. After being somewhat roughly forced to don a burqa and serve lunch to the troops, I had an opportunity to interview several of them. I wanted to hear of the pain they had lived with all these years under the brutal Israeli occupation, and how they had been driven to this point of conflict due to the intolerable treatment and oppression they had endured. Unfortunately these men were all from Iran and Syria, so they couldn't really tell me what I needed to know. They did say, however, that it's common knowledge throughout the Middle East that Jews are lousy tippers, and for that reason alone need to be eliminated.

After they made me do the laundry (how do they get those prayer rugs so dirty?), serve snacks, belly dance, and dig some foxholes, my captors comrades presented me with a special honor they called the "Infidel's Reward" - I was chosen to fire some rockets at Israel! I knew this was a very special honor since women over there aren't usually allowed to mess with mechanical things, so I was very grateful. They took me about a block away to the backyard of this little house, where under a big tarp was a launcher loaded with a bunch of rockets mounted on the back of an old truck. After making some adjustments and showing me where to stand, they told me to count down from 100 and then push this big red button. I noticed once I started counting, my fellow fighters took off running back to camp like they were being chased by Bigfoot. Strange.

At zero I pushed the button and the rockets blasted into the sky. All the fire and smoke scared the crap out of me, but after rolling on the ground and extinguishing my flaming burqa, I realized I was okay. I stood and gave the thumbs up sign to my friends down the street but they were nowhere to be seen. Right about then I heard something whistling overhead and the next thing I knew, there was a deafening explosion and I, the rocket launcher, the yard, the little house, and most of the surrounding neighborhood went flying through the air. After coming to and rolling around to extinguish what remained of my burqa, I decided I'd had enough of this war, even if it was for a good cause. I ran for my life.

I sure wish my Hizballah soldier friends would have told me that the Israelis have satellites and stuff which see those rocket launches, but I guess it slipped their minds. Later I heard the whole group took an express train to Paradise courtesy of an Israeli Apache helicopter gunship, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't that upset.

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

"..after being somewhat roughly forced to don a burqa and serve lunch to the troops..."
Reading that I though you were lucky muslims prefer man-to-man action rather than have women (I think that's the reason they are so angry at us, cause they can not understand our preference for heterosexuality) otherwise you should have had to add "...and have some sex with some of them" to the above description. As you see women has nothing to fear being among Muhammad followers if they are all men. Did you take Scooter with you??? I am glad you didn't or he would have been raped instead.
As of being chosen to launch rockets against Israel you were not the first one to do something like that. Do you remember our beloved Janet "Hanoi" Fonda's picture where she is manning an anti-aircraft gun to shoot at American planes? The picture put her on the Hanoi's Hall of Fame. She's still there.

P. Moonbeam: Yes Adolph, Jane was, and is, a great woman.

[Rankingfowle]

I'm really sorry you can't get yourself laid. But why take it out on the Left?

P. Moonbeam: Whatdayamean, I love the Left! Without these Godless Commie morons, what would there be to make fun of? Huh?

[Wayne]

High, Peace,
My wife and I think you are really groovy, it's too bad Daily MOSS I mean KOS can't see it that way.

It's my understanding that when the Moon is in the 7th House, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, the Peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Maybe when you are guiding the planets KOS can lighten up! Until that glorious day, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits!

In the meantime I added you to my links page with other Moon related links.

Wayne
AmericanProtest.net

P. Moonbeam: Thank you Wayne. I still don't know what KOS found so offensive...

[Bonnie]

It's about time you came home!

[Cinnamon]

Oh Peace, I was so worried that you had just wasted away to nothing, much like our beloved Peace Mother Sheehan. So happy to see you back again and in such good health too, even without an assistant to hold your Jamba Juice and run secret night missions to Mickey D's.

P. Moonbeam: Thank you Cinnamon. Speaking of PMS, I saw her the other day and I think she's putting on a few pounds...

[Todd]

Peace:

In order to assuage you of your Muslim servileness, and in your honor, The Hippo at Hippo Campy shall entertain you and all other 3/5ths of a man women to a Burqa fall fashion show on September 1st.

Come see the latest in burqas in all their shades of black along with various stunning, revealing burqa headsack eyeslits!

The Hippo invites all lessers (women) to create their own burqa fashions for inclusion in our show. Submit your ideas to The Hippo's e-mail below and submit for eternity as well!

P. Moonbeam: Being socially sensitive, I'm afraid this might offend our Muslim sisters, but maybe I can come up with something tasteful. Maybe.

[John the Marine]

Well, Well, Well... If it ain't little Miss Unauthorized Absence (UA) back from her adventures. Peace, if you weren't my favorite Hippie I would put my size 10 1/2 so far up your... You get the idea. But since you're back, Good to see ya. Don't let it happen again.

You should be more careful of that counter-battery fire. I here the IDF is almost as good as the Marines.

At any rate I'm glad your back. By the way, Scooter sucks. Everytime I read one of his posts I want to commit an unauthorized killing. I know you are trying to help the lad, but for the love of Pete, think of your reader's well being. Couldn't just fix him up with a nice hippie girl instead? Or, maybe a pet dog if the girl thing is beyond his talents?

P. Moonbeam: Hello John (the Marine)! Sorry about Scooter, it seems like all I've done since I've got back is apologize for him. I hope he didn't try to borrow money from you.
He hasn't had much luck with girls, probably because of that fungus thing.
I bought him a hamster but it died.

[web_loafer]

Peace, Man am I glad to see you are safely back in the USofA. We missed you so much, and Scoot was a big letdown, one shoutout and then silence. Yes, I agree that Scoot needs something, maybe it is a girlfriend, but then again maybe he needs a pet. I have an aggressive porkupine he could snuggle up too.
Great news, gets around....I even noticed you werea welcomed back on that right wing propagana blog....Drudge Report. I featured that page at Sanitys Bluff. AGAIN WELCOME BACK

P. Moonbeam: Hi Webloafer! Thank you for the welcome back and for bringing to my attention the Drudge Report headline. I think this means I'm famous now, and surely the money is going to start flowing! Party time!
I trusted Scooter to keep everyone entertained during my absence, but as usual he failed miserably. On top of that, my fridge was cleaned out and most of my records were all over the living room, covered with greasy fingerprints, and he'd blown one of my stereo speakers.
Also, he forgot to feed my cat and it nearly died. Damn Scooter.

[Gayle]

ROTFALMAO! This comment thread is almost as funny as your brilliant post. :)

How in the world you think of these things is beyond me, but after dealing with the news day after day after day, it sure is refreshing to come over here and laugh my butt off! Thanks Peace, and remember this hon: Never, never ever trust anyone who would soil their own prayer rugs, and if you see any more red buttons, be wary.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Gayle!
Do YOU have any idea what they do on those little rugs? All I know is they are just filthy, and I'm not talking grass stains.
Have a great weekend!

[Syncrodox]

Peace

Pepe is cool. Scooter has to wear his pants.

We don't want a nasty repeat of that nude biking
protest.....debacle.

Syncro

P. Moonbeam: That was NOT pretty....

[jarhead john]

Welcome back. It's about time! That idiot Scooter was a pain in the ass while you were away. Lucky he was safely away from you for the duration..

P. Moonbeam: Hi John! I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was good to spend a little time away from Scoots. Hope he didn't try to borrow any money from you.

[TrustOnlyMulder]

Did you get any video or pictures of your belly dancing to share with us?

P. Moonbeam: I'm hoping the photos went to Paradise with the freedom fighters.

[1sttofight]

You didnt have to leave just because I had to spend a little time with the county. I promise that there are no more outstanding warrants. Please come home for the chillern.

P. Moobeam: I don't know how many times I have to tell you, it's over.

PS: Please tell Seabreaze, Sunshine, and Nonukes that Mommy loves them.

[Blubrdz]

Glad your back Peace. We / I missed you. I'm glad you had the courage that most of us liburals do not in taking up arms and fighting the against the evil Zionist oppressors in their balatant land grab. I did my little part in fighting the Zionist too. I drove to New Haven, slashed some tires on the cars of Liberman supporters, and voted for Ned Lamont 25 times.

P. Moonbeam: You are a true patriot!

[SeanS]

You didn't stay to show anguish for the destruction of the neighborhood? Now who's going to show Hajj what needs to be Photoshopped?

P. Moonbeam: Good point!

[Syncrodox]

Peace

I'm so glad to hear you survived the evil Zionist threat. It's just too bad you don't hold a Canadian passport. Our nasty conservative Prime Minister Stepher Harper ( your Al Gore refers to him as part of the Bush/Cheney/Harper administration) contracted some boats to evacuate our peace loving lebanese/canadian citizens (some 40,000 of them) free of charge. Or as we on the left lovingly call them, part time canadians (PTC).

As it turns out the boats were overcrowded, the seas were rough (scads or gratuitous puking) some had to sleep on the floor and the fallafel were stale!!!

But what can one expect from a right wing Bush wanna be bastard??

Anyways, I'm glad you're home safe and when you're feeling up to it I hope you can come up to Canada and march for peace with me, some Liberal Members of Parliment and about 40,000 other PTC's who recently landed in Montreal. The Hezbollah flags are free!!

P.S.

I hear the B.C. bud is coming in real nice so future marches promise to be absolutely orgasmic!!!

Syncro

P. Moonbeam: Hi Syncro! As mush as I love Canada and all my liberal Canadian comrades, I wasn't that interested in traveling all the way up there until I got to the P.S. - I trust this bud is in fairly large quantities?
Scooter and Pepe asks if they can come too?

[Candace]

Peace: Thank God you are back! Those nasty Hizballah for not giving you the "heads up" on the satellite/spyplane tricks those Zionists pull. Good thing that burqha wasn't polyester!

Double-Thank-God you didn't take Scooter or you probably wouldn't have made it back alive.

P. Moonbeam: Thanks Candace. Next time I'm just sending Scooter. Alone.

[beth]

Peace! Shame on you for worrying everyone so much!

I'm glad you are back safely and I hope you are ashamed of yourself for thinking you were shooting a rocket.

What did the jihadists do when your burka burned off? That must have been a sight!

We could always match Scooter up with her: Huffy http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

P. Moonbeam: Hi Beth! Scooter has had the hots for Arianna for years.

[Carol]

Glad you're back... "Express train to paradise. . ." absolutely poetic!

P. Moonbeam: Thanks Carol, you are too kind.

[Seaspook]

Bad Girl, Peace...Bad, Bad Girl. Glad you're back baby.

P. Moonbeam: Thanks Seaspook, it's nice to be back!

[WTR]

Welcome back Peace!
We missed you!

Lemuel, how nice of you! Thank you.

[Patrick Joubert Conlon]

Did you pop over to Jordan and visit Mother Sheepface afterwards?

P. Moonbeam: Unfortunately I didn't have the (urp) honor...

[Patty]

Welcome back I am so glad your safe.

Btw I heard there is a terrible rate of kitchen fires that maim and kill in the middle east perhaps you could give us some cooking tips on being safe.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty. Thanks for the hot tip, this sounds like a great job for Scooter.

[David Amulet]

We were all very disappointed in Scooter. We expected better. But the trauma of your disappearance -- and courageous travel to the war zone -- must have had him quite upset.

Welcome back.

-- david

P. Moonbeam: Thank you David. Scooter is just going to have to learn he can't follow me everywhere. He needs a girlfriend.

[McFarland]

Peace, glad to have you back!

P. Moonbeam: Thank you, it's nice to be back!

[Wm H]

Hey folks look what the goat drug in, Peace I hate to say it but damn gurl you need to shower, I mean like you smell as though you've been locked in a hot tent fornacating camels for peace or something.......no other worlds for it excepting you stink gal, hit the showers.

Oh yeah.......welcome back.

P.S. A bunch of folks were sure talking bad about while you were gone, the was leaving nasty comments......like you was bare foot and pregnut and things, but I was defending your honor or lack there of.

P.P.S Oh yeah, you need to have a talk with Scooter, that boy is sick.......he refused to go look for you, all he wanted to do was sit neeked in the front yard and play with his'n self for peace, most like he you will need to shave his palms cause I know he can't do it since he most likely has gone stone blind by now.

Scooter: I think I take a fence to that.