Shuttles To Paradise

September 15, 2006

Berkeley, California

As you know, Kareem/Scooter has issued a fatwa against me and has already made one attempt on my life. This has made living under the same roof very stressful, but I need his rent money. In spite of sweeping the house for explosives and booby traps constantly, Kareem and his two fellow jihadists have managed to carry out several more attacks against me. The other day, while salting my meatloaf, the top of the shaker came off and dumped the entire contents, leaving my meal ruined and me badly shaken. Later, when I started my car to go shopping, everything went crazy - the radio playing Arab disco music at full volume, windshield wipers flying, turn signals flashing. I almost had a heart attack which was no doubt just what the little towel-heads were hoping for. Probably the most savage attack involved a bucket of water placed over the bathroom door. Thank God I spotted the pools of water they had spilled setting up the ambush or this could have been the big one.

I decided to go on the offensive. As I prepared to smear dog poop on the pages of Kareem/Scooter's Koran, I found several pieces of paper tucked inside. One featured crudely-drawn diagrams outlining a plan to hijack several aircraft and fly them into my house! Also, there was a letter from a local flying school notifying Scooter he didn't qualify for a federal grant or student loan. The last piece of paper was similar to the first, only showed the airplanes with no wings, and each bearing the initials "SS." If I could figure out what airline this was, I could hopefully save my life and countless others, not to mention sending Kareem and his swarthy little friends to Guantanamo for eternity.

The next morning, my worse fears were realized when Kareem and his two buddies were each picked up by separate airport shuttles. I wanted to notify the authorities, but had no idea what flights the three would be on. I desperately went through Scooter's bedroom looking for further clues. The only suspicious things I could find were some wrappers for Mexican fireworks, and receipts for paintball guns purchased at Sports Authority. I called the airport and gave them a description of the three terrorists and the weapons they would be carrying. Then I grabbed my crystals and prayed to the gods that Kareem and his hairy little friends would be caught in time.

My prayers were suddenly shattered by the sound of squealing tires and numerous explosions outside! I jumped up and ran to the window just in time to see a Super Shuttle van careening wildly down the street, being racked by numerous explosions inside! Suddenly, the van veered across my lawn, and headed straight for the house! Oh crap!  The last thing I saw before diving for the hallway was Kareem at the wheel, screaming at the top of his lungs as explosions erupted all around him! The crash was deafening as the van smashed through the living room wall and slid to a stop in the kitchen amid a shower of sparks and explosions.

I managed to make it to the door just in time to see another Super Shuttle van careening toward me, also racked by explosions, and coming from the other direction, yet another van, fully engulfed in flames, and heading straight for the Taco Bell! I dove for safety as van #2 swerved through the yard and crashed into my bedroom. Over the sound of exploding fireworks I could hear someone I identified as Kareem/Scooter's little terrorist buddy pleading for "doe-eyed virgins" in a freakish, high-pitched squeal. His voice was finally drowned out by the sound of exploding fireworks. I staggered to the yard and collapsed in shock.

In hindsight, I should have been able to figure out Kareem's plan. Originally the terrorists were going to take flight lessons, hijack airliners, and fly them into my house. Not very original. When they couldn't get financial aid for flight school, they had to go to plan B: hijack the vans that take you to the airport, set off a large cache of whatever explosives they could buy, and crash the vans into my house. They obviously hadn't anticipated the difficulty of driving a speeding van and simultaneously pointing a paintball gun on the passengers while lighting a sack of explosives. As a result, all three Islamo-imbeciles had prematurely set off their fireworks causing one to lose control and crash into the Taco Bell.

Listening to Scooter screaming for Jesus while the police savagely beat him and his little friend with flashlights, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. Maybe he deserves a second chance.

Comments

[Karen]

Ohmygod, this is the most hilarious thing I have ever read. I literally have tears streaming down my face. Thanks!

P. Moonbeam: Thank you Karen, you are obviously (1) too kind, and (2) very easily entertained - my favorite kind of reader! We are now officially best friends forever :)

[John the Marine]

Thats it, me and the rest of the platoon are on the march! No, more Mr. "Nice Marine". It is War, and I can't say I'm sorry. Hell, first it was the shrill worbling and then the IUD's. Now this last outrage! Recking a perfectly good taco bell for the sake the of some disgusting heathen religion is the end. Some of the cops are friends of mine (we facist pig oppressors have a tendency to run in the same circles). They said it would be alright if the fellas and I came down to the station and played smash the billy club on the Jihadist for a while (It's the next best thing to Bush's Guantamo). At any rate hold on Peace the Marines are coming!

P.S. Could you pick up a couple of cases of beer? After taking the 15 seconds or so to beat on Scoots and his two raghead sidekicks already broken bodies we'll probably be kind of thirsty. Come to think of it, we're always thirsty.

P. Moonbeam: OMG, you people are savages! Didn't the Summer Of Love in the 60s and 70s teach you anything? Just because Scooter embraced an antichrist religion, then tried to kill innocent civilians you desire to hurt him? John, I think you and your little soldier friends should be extending love and compassion toward Scooter, not fists.

PS: Feel free to beat the snot out of the other two, especially that irritating little hairy guy.

[Syncrodox]

Peace

I get the sense that Kareem/Scooter may become a born again christian. Afterall nothing is more inspirational than one of those steel flashlights lovingly weilded by the long arm of the law. Hence all the screaming for Jesus!!

To twist a phrase... Ya live by the sword ya die by the flashlight.

Jesus loves you Scooter.....now go to sleep.

Syncro

P. Moonbeam: Synchrodux, Scooter briefly became a Morman after his hamster Jumpy died. Even though he was in a cult, he was MUCH more pleasant to be around than while he was a Muslim. At least he didn't try to blow things up and kill people.

[1sttofight]

Where the hell is Ross Drive? It is hard as hell to find a parking place for the Dodge Power Wagon with a 65 foot trailer hooked on behind.

I put the girls out this morning to look for you but they have not returned, maybe the gunfire and sirens distracted them, not to mention the flaming van that went by a while ago.
If you value your wayward daughters, you need to get in touch soon.
Of coure we have made over $500 and it is not even noon yet so when ever you get around to it will be fine.
I have met a few other enterprising fathers who have agreed for their daughters to shack up, stay, live with me for a day or so.

Best hurry, the crop is going up in smoke as we speak.

P. Moonbeam: Unfortunately, Pepe saw your last email and really got upset. He knocked me around pretty good, but I got him a couple times with the remote control and an ashtray.
Anyway, he called some of his cousins over and now about 15 of them are hanging around watching for you. They make these kissing sounds when I walk by and it's really irritating.
Also, they all have big tattoos and carry knives so be careful.
Maybe you could just mail me a pound or two.
Say hi to the kids.

[jarhead john]

It's a damned shame that "husband" of yours wasn't around with a good rifle at the time of the "attack," ha! Attack. Sounds more like a bungled fast food run. We can all only hope that Scooter inhaled enough noxious fumes from the heap of fireworks to render him the rest of the way harmless.

P. Moonbeam: As much as I (sometimes) like Scooter, I'll be the first to admit he's not the smartest guy in the world. Maybe that's a good thing.

[TrustOnlyMulder]

Peace, it sounds like you got some free air conditioning for your aunt's place.

My recommendation for Scooter? Just tell him he will never again be able to enjoy a savoury club sandwich if he remains Muslim. How someone could turn down that great mix of chicken, bacon, mayo, lettuce, tomatoes on a toasted bun, cut into four pieces and held together by little toothpicks, I have no idea.

P. Moonbeam: Trust, your idea of torturing Scooter reminds me a little too much of what Bush is trying to get approved. Next thing you'll be suggesting I have Scooter stand in a cold room or not get enough sleep.
What kind of a monster are you?

[1sttofight]

BTW, I failed to mention that I am bringing the best of the crop with me. The best buds I am saving or you.

But if you are not interested I am sure there are plenty of young girls in Berkley who will be after I drop the girls of your and peepee's house.

P. Moonbeam: My new address is 1552 Ross Drive. Pepe is gone from 8 - 4.

[Steel]

Wow.

What a cool site.

You are a genius.

Will you be my friend?

P. Moonbeam: Hello Steel. Gosh I dunno, I have so many friends I already pretty much ignore most of them. However, since you correctly identified me as a genius (I can spell "Mississippi" backwords by memory), I guess you can be my new friend.
Can I borrow some money?

[1sttofight]

It dont get better than this. Mexicans and terrorist in the same field of fire. The thing in Arkansas worked itself out. I hooked the dodge Power Wagon up to the trailer hitch and 20 or so miles later the good old boys were in no shape to put up any resistance.
Me and the girls are on our way with a brand new, slightly used, piece of crap trailer for us to live in.

500 yds is a piece of cake with my varmit rifle. Best tell your boyfriends to stand clear so's I can get a clear shot. Dont want my sweetypie to get red stuff on her.

We should be there in a couple of days.

I have been saving up for you darling.

I havent even messed with the girls.

P. Moonbeam: You are a disgusting pig. Momma was right about you - you'll never change. All your talk about planning to become a car salesman and look at you, you're still a nobody. At least Scooter tried to become something, even if it was a Muslim terrorist. At least he tried, which is more than I can say for you, you fat, worthless, toothless, drunken, illiterate PINHEAD.
I've moved recently and will have you know that my new housemate, Pepe, while short and wiry, owns several large knives and served in his country's Coast Guard, so you best stay clear if you value your health.
Loser.

PS: Say hi to the girls for me.

[SkyWatch]

My Dear Peace Moonbeam,

Are you positive this whole thing isn't a creative ploy created by Pepe to get you into his home?

P. Moonbeam: Hi Skywatch. I don't think they're that smart.

[Patty]

Merry Meet Again Miss Peace. I must tell you I have pondered this and I think with this 'ramadamn" thing coming up you should be able to lace dates with some valuim and slow scooter down a bit. At least until you can find a way to redirect his creative energy.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty, not a bad idea. I'm also thinking about having him deprogrammed if he doesn't get shipped to Guantanamo.

[a4g]

So when are we going to find out whether you'll be able to pay your rent???

The suspense is killing me.

P. Moonbeam: When my aunt went into a care home she said I could live in her house until I could afford one of my own so I'm in good shape. It's just too bad she couldn't afford insurance, but hey, she's in a care home so no big deal :)
Unfortunately, without Scooter's rent money I may have to start smoking home-grown, but I guess you take what life gives you.
Meanwhile, I'm staying at Pepe's place.

[Terry]

Ms. Peace Moonbeam, I run a 13 step program to rehabilitate Muslum converts. Actually, I haven't decided on steps 2 through 13, but I'm working on them. Thus far, step one has proven very effective. I am not able to go into specifics here, but waivers must be signed and antibiotics taken. If you wish to enroll Kareem/Scooter, I currently have 2 openings. One of these 2 spots must remain open as I have been informed that a collection is being taken up at this very minute to send Michael Jackson my way.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Terry. I would be open to sending Scooter to your program when he is released from custody if the cost is reasonable.
My only requests would be that you not beat him seriously or allow him to spend the night in Mr. Jackson's room.

[WTR]

I'm so glad you are alright!
And I do hope your house was a rental.
Guess you can thank little goofball for losing the security and first & last for you! I don't think there's any hope for him. This will just make him more angry against "the man".

P. Moonbeam: I'm fine but the house is trashed. Hopefully this little incident has pulled Scooter back into reality. He didn't want his Koran in jail so that's a good sign.

[Wm H]

PM, get some rest and leave everything to me. I contacted my cousin, Cool Hand Bubba who is doing one to life in prison for doing nasty things with animals. I told him all about Kareem and his hairy girl friends who will be heading for prison soon, at which point Bubba gave one of his Cool Hand Bubba toothless smiles as only he is capable of and said for you not to worry your lil'head cause when he gets done with Kareem you will get the ol'Scooter back........he may walk funny for a while, but he'll dang sure be happy to forget that isleem crap.

P. Moonbeam: Thanks Wm H. Anything you can do to help get Scooter back to normal is appreciated.
He already walks funnny anyway.

[1sttofight]

Back off patrick, Peace is a married woman with children. I am on my way to rescue her. If you get in the way of the Dodge Power Wagon you will just be road kill.

She is mine and will remain mine till death do us part. Now back off while you can.

P. Moonbeam: Please remember I have an Order Of Protection that says you must stay AT LEAST 500 feet away from me. I don't think you want to go back to jail.
Say hi to the kids for me.

[Patrick Joubert]

Haven't you learned you lesson yet? Scooter's a fag just like his sheethead friends. Marry me and become a Republican.

P. Moonbeam: Scooter may not be perfect, but he's very spiritual, and doesn't play with (real) guns.