Fatwa Of Doom

September 8, 2006

Berkeley, California

Thank God I was able to thwart Kareem/Scooter's suicide doll-bomb attack on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland. Choosing not to expose myself, I simply replaced the explosives with Play-Do in the doll's bomb vests. As it turned out, Kareem and his little friends still had a good time at Disneyland even without blowing anything up, although one of them fell out of the boat while placing the dolls and ended up with a nasty infection from the water. Good.

A few days later, I had a very bad feeling in my gut when I saw the jihadists in my back yard trying to get the Play-Do to explode. That evening Kareem was extremely cold and condescending to me and it was obvious he had figured out what I had done. When I walked by his bedroom I also noticed he had mutilated my photo and written, "DIE DIE DIE" in red crayon across its tattered remains - not good. I was now afraid and knew I had to be vigilant, or die.

When I woke up the next morning I found a VHS tape beside my bed with a grape jelly-smeared Post-It note that said, "watch me," so I did. The five-minute video consisted of a masked figure draped in a robe (obviously Scooter wearing one of my nightgowns), standing in front of a poster of Louis Farrakhan, reading a "fatwa" threatening me with a horrible death as an enemy of Islam. Masked guys on either side of him jumped up and down while waving curved swords in the air. While frightening, the impact would have probably been greater if the swords weren't clearly the plastic "Aladdin" ones sold in about every gift shop at Disneyland. Near the end of the tape as Kareem was passionately giving thanks to Allah, you could hear somebody fart, the morons standing beside Kareem dropped their weapons and started giggling, then Kareem approached the camera and cursed just before the screen went black. Very professional.

I carefully inspected the house for signs of booby traps or explosives and was relieved to see that everything appeared normal except that my camcorder was left out on the coffee table next to some bread crusts and was absolutely covered with grape jelly fingerprints. I heard something outside, then saw a shadow go by the window and knew I had to get the heck out of there before these crazed fanatics carried out their threats to harm me! I ran for the garage and jumped into my car, turned the key, put it in gear, and hit the garage door button. My heart was pounding.

As I backed out of the garage, I suddenly saw something that made my heart stop: several fresh mounds of dirt beside the driveway, and three shadowy figures peering out from behind a bush! Oh crap, they had planted IEDs (improvised explosive devices) just like they do in the Middle East, and were waiting for me to drive by so they could blow me to pieces! Bastards! Thankfully I figured it out before reaching the first one, and jumped from my car and ran to the neighbor's house while frantically dialing 911 on my cell phone. The cops were there in minutes and immediately arrested Kareem and his gang, but not before stun-gunning the crap out of the little hairy one when he brandished his plastic sword (that part was pretty funny).

I wish I could tell you the police and federal agents savagely beat the little Islamofascists with flashlights then shipped them off for life to Guantanamo, but that's not the way it worked out. Unfortunately, thanks to the heavy accent and severe hair-lip of the terrorist leader advising them, Kareem had purchased, wired, and buried IUDs next to the driveway. According to the authorities, burying birth control devices is not illegal in California so they just wrote Scooter a warning for being stupid and left. Now I'm more afraid than ever.

Comments

[Krista]

I havent laughed this hard in a very very very long time.

good stuff

good stuff

P. Moonbeam: Oh oh, now I have an ego! You are too kind and obviously easily amused!

[Lord Caine]

I would have shipped that little bastard off to Kill Arab children his own age.

Disneyland? Screw that, take him to REALITYLAND, where little boys his age sew my clothes in quality factory workshops like Kathy Lee Giffords.

You pansy-ass, farty-pants, hippy, commie, pinko liberals need to stop coddling your ADD dribbling morons and learn about sacrifice for your country.

So saith the Lord!!!

[1sttofight]

Peace, I hate to tell you this but we will be a little longer getting to you than I originally expected. The really sad part is that Nonukes will not able to continue with us. Seems that everytime we stopped for gas(The Dodge Ram Power wagon only gets about 4 miles to the gal) there was a fire. After the third one the cops chased us down, fortunately they only took Nonukes, Whew.
We seem to be in Arkansas now best I can tell. Seabreeze and Sunshine picked up a couple of good ole boys. They bought me plenty of beer and when I woke up we was parked in front of a single wide with the wheels still on it and a lot of loud music and girls squealing was comin from the trailer. I started to see what was going on but Bubba met me half way with another 12 pack so I went back to the truck.
I am gettting worried, there is an old snaggled toothed woman looking in the truck window and licking her lips.
I will get back to you later.

P. Moonbeam: I'll tell you right now I'm not crazy about our 10 and 12-year-old daughters drinking and doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who. Maybe I'm not the world's most perfect mother, but I would never allow such a thing until they're at least 14.
No wonder I left. Grow up and be a father.

[Rastaman]

Nuke Mecca. Okay? Hey, it works for me.

P. Moonbeam: I could see nuking Medina but Mecca? That's a little extreme...

[webloafer]

Scooter...Kareem...if you are reading this,
Drop by Sanity's Bluff someday...yes drop by.

Boys in long robes run like women.

Not to insult you dear moonbeam, but kareem brings the worst out of this old peacenik.

Moonshine,you should surround yourself with a better class of people. I know of a good half-way house near sanity's bluff, you could start there.

Kareem Bakr Gilad: We will drop by when we are ready and on that day you will wish you had followed Alla (Peace be up on him)! I cant tell you exactly what we will do to you but it will probably involve bombs and other things that will hurt you or even kill you. We are messengers of Mohomid (Peace be up on him) and you will feel our fury infidel!
Alla Akbar Alla Akbar Alla Akbar!

[Seaspook]

Wait till the dumbasses find what they were handling. They will have to cut their hands off!

[Deathknyte]

If Scooter keeps this up, tell him its traditional for a muslim to swim to mecca. That way he is out of your hair for awhile AND he gets a bath.

The sea life may suffer but better them than you.

P. Moonbeam: I'm hoping he does that weird Islamic thing where he cuts his head with a knife. A lot.

[1sttofight]

I am coming to get you Honey. I have the Dodge Ram all gassed up and ready to roll. If kareem or whoever gets in the way they are just going to be roadkill.
Dont worry about packing your clothes because you know how I like you, Hubba Hubba.

I should be there in a week or so, you know how reliable a 30 year old Dodge Ram is.

I am sober today and on my way , Honey , just try to hold on till I get there.

BTW, I am bringing the kids so if you still refuse to come with me, they are staying with you.

P. Moonbeam: Why, oh why can't you understand I have a new life? I've got a nice house, lots of real smart and famous friends including Cindy Sheehan and even some college professors. Instead of sitting around watching Jerry Springer I now travel and work to make this a better world through my social activism. I can't go back to my old life.
I'm finally the person I always wanted to be, and you need to accept that and be happy for me.
Please just get along with your life and let me be the free, beautiful butterfly I was meant to be.
PS: Definitely do not bring the kids - although I love them, I don't really have time to mess with them. I mean it.

[beth]

Oh me. I hope this phase Scooter/Kareem is going through will be short-lived. I'm afraid if it's not, you might be. :(

P. Moonbeam: Hi Beth! I assure you, it won't be me.

[Violence Worker]

Peace! I thought I'd read you were quitting or something. Lo and behold, I was either delusional or on something. Since I'm not on something, I guess I was delusional! I did just return from BC, but no one offered me any bud.

Glad I checked back.

VW

P. Moonbeam: Hi Violence Worker! I was gone for a while but due to popular demand returned.
Okay, I might have made that last part up. I just came back.
Thanks for the mention at your excellent site!

[Gayle]

Methinks you had better arm yourself, Peace. This is not a situation that calls for "peace" you know?? Who knows what crazy Kareem may do next? He might mess up and accidently get something right!

P. Moonbeam: Hi Gayle! In a battle of wits, Scooter is always unarmed.

[Mr. Tastic]

Those pictures seem really familiar. I think I've seen them walking the streets.

[John the Marine]

O.K. I love a happy ending as much as the next guy. The Play-Do was good thinking Peace... but I don't know. I'm kind of disappointed. A more violent end for Scoots and Co's plan would have been nice. Ooohhh Well, maybe next time. Sigghh...

At any rate, me and the rest of the guys at the VFW are glad your safe. However, don't let your guard down. Kareem/Scooter is stupid but persistent, he might have another go at it. Maybe this time he'll try to get you with the morning after pill now that the IUD's failed.

Oh, I almost forgot. Kareem had been talking some trash last week. He threatened to, "kill me even worse than before" (I might have provoked the little lady a bit. But hey, can you blame me?). What ever that means. Considering his obvious lack of experience in these matters I feel safer than ever.

One more thing; please pass on to Ms. Kareem that flanel nightgowns make him look fat. Thanks, John the Marine.

P. Moonbeam: Hi John. I'm sorry for the way Kareem/Scooter has been behaving. You're not the only one he's been threatening lately, and I for one am pretty fed up with it.
Rest assured, after this attempted IUD attack on me I'm going to do everything in my power to get him de-programmed or whatever. I just can't live in fear any longer.
Meanwhile, just try to ignore him and keep your doors locked.