GOP (Gay Old Party?)

October 5, 2006

Washington D.C.

Oh man, the Republicans have caught fire and are spiraling to earth in a cloud of smoke and desperation. Good. Congressman Mark Foley, honorable pervert representing the great state of horniness, was caught sending nasty instant messages to a minor male page. It seems that this member of the Moral Majority was actually a flaming homo, hell-bent on perverted hot monkey sex with as many males as possible, especially young ones. Disgusting. It's hard to believe this party keeps trying to quash gay marriage when they're all gay themselves. What sense does this make?

I'm starting to think all Republicans are masochists. Every time one of these bozos gets drunk or exposed as gay, they're shamed into the next century, but when a liberal does the same thing, it's good for certain re-election and major street cred with their voting bloc. Why would any politician want to be labeled as a conservative? Do you really want to go through your life without having illicit sex with young girls and boys, not getting drunk and/or stoned, lying about your war record, or drowning people in your car? Of course not. At least pick a party that will reward you for your behavior.

Anyway, this cataclysmic news event apparently triggered an outpouring of repressed memories from my new assistant, Squid. Amid uncontrollable sobbing about feeling "used and dirty," he produced some transcripts he had just typed of an instant message chat he had several years ago. When I saw the initials of whom he was communicating with, I almost blew chunks! An excerpt:

GWB: wuz happenen :}>

Squidboy: Nuttin.

GWB: how old are you?

Squidboy: 16.

GWB: can I molest you

Squidboy: I'm not that kind of boy, loser.

GWB: I want you so bad

Squidboy: Bite me, perv.

GWB: thats my strategery

My goodness! I couldn't help but feel Squid's pain as I read the damning evidence of homo passions possibly running amok at the highest levels of this administration. No wonder Squid has always seemed a little traumatized, he'd apparently been almost sexually abused by the leader of the most powerful country in the world, or at least someone with the same initials. Of course, Squid couldn't remember if those were the exact initials, but he is sure there was a "W" in there somewhere, and this was all the proof I needed that the neocons have pretty much all gone "light in the loafers." Shocking!

Alas, as publicly happy as we libs are about the Republicans offending their constituents, behind the scenes we're disgusted by their creep into the homo/pedophile/deviant fabric of society. We've worked too hard to establish ourselves in these areas and won't concede them (and the accompanying votes) to the GOP. If they want to do these things, let them become Democrats.

Note to my faithful readers: Immediately after writing the above, I checked myself into an undisclosed rehab center for treatment of various dependencies and personal problems. It goes without saying I'm clearly not responsible for this story.

EXTRA: By popular demand, here's an example of Squid's beautiful poetry:

"Fall"

by Squid

Morning light filtering through

bark-covered tree branches covered with dew.

Squirrels running to and fro,

like they have no idea where to go.

They scamper in and out of their homey huts

tightly clinging to their little nuts.

Now the last flowers of summer fade,

like they have been sprayed with a can of Raid.

Oh fall, your winds are frosty and cold,

sometimes making my nipples bold.

We gayfully celebrate this time of year

as we anticipate chugging Octoberfest beer.

Comments

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[Winston O'Boogie]

Most Magnificent Ms. Moonbeam,

Please allow me to utilize a paragraph you have written - not for profit, but for illustation. I am asking for your specific permission to show the Republicans the error of their ways and not run afoul of the minions of Chimpy McBushhitler-Cheney-Halliburton in their zealots' quest for copyright infringement.

This is the paragraph: "I'm starting to think all Republicans are masochists. Every time one of these bozos gets drunk or exposed as gay, they're shamed into the next century, but when a liberal does the same thing, it's good for certain re-election and major street cred with their voting bloc. Why would any politician want to be labeled as a conservative? Do you really want to go through your life without having illicit sex with young girls and boys, not getting drunk and/or stoned, lying about your war record, keeping large sums of cash in your freezer, or drowning people in your car? Of course not. At least pick a party that will reward you for your behavior."

Your assistance and acquiesence will be bongfully accepted. No bogarting here, hear?

With Deepest Admiration,

Winston O'Boogie

P. Moonbeam: My dearest Boogie, you may have all the words you need, or as my friends south of the border say, "mi wordos su wordos."

[jarhead john]

You'd better watch that "Squid" character Peace. He's not right in the head. Whatever the hell musical instrument he can play shouldn't be a selling point. Hell, I can sing a nice tune with a good rifle; that doesn't make me the greatest catch in the world (I have other traits that make the sale on that count). Sounds like he'd be better suited stitching Nikes in a sweatshopt in China (or designing their website; both equally admirable). Either way, he's NOT a real man. Neither is that trailer trash punk that keeps "working on" your alleged daughters. That fella has been huffing way too much gas. Get a grip soon! If you don't, you'll be doomed to a life of slavery to some hippie, no-good, dope smokin', cheatin' fool. Well, perhaps that's part of your whole utopian thing. Sheesh. Can't ever figure you hippie types out.

P. Moonbeam: Jarhead John, thank you for your concern for my welfare.
Please keep in mind that Squid is my assistant, nothing more (although I must admit if it wasn't for the age difference and his preference for other males, his poetry and zither skills would make him pretty unresistable).
I have little time in my life for romance as there is too much work left to be done on the social front.
Besides, all men are pigs.

[webloafer]

Peace,About Squid????
How did your compadre get such a name?
Did he steal Scooters Pez?
Is he enough man for a woman like you?
Do you rock his cradle at bedtime?
I mean, this is a young boy Peace, Foley style, but you seem to have sway over him, the pictures you have of him remind me of a little puppy.
Are you going to paper train him, or allow him to leave poop on the sidewalk?

P. Moonbeam: Hello Webloafer. I assure you, young Squid is my assistant, nothing more. Although exceptionally handsome and intelligent, he is far too young for me. Also he is gay.
Squid got the nickname from his aggressive zither playing style and it just kind of stuck. I think his real name is Myron Feldstein.
While Scooter is in Guantanamo, Squid should be a big help in our battle against the pediphile conservatives.
Webloafer, we can always use more help, should you be willing to leave the "dark side."

[rightwingprof]

Now, you've gone and done it! It was that poem. I've spit coke all over my monitor and keyboard!

P. Moonbeam: Hi RWP! Thank you, I'll tell Squid that you thought it was beautiful.

[Terri]

Dear Ms. Moonbeam, I once offered my 13 step program to Mr. Scooter, but he has failed to respond to my offer. Now, I read you are in rehab and I am hurt (pout pout) that you did not seek my professional services. Since Mr. Scooter is currently on "vacation" I cannot help him BUT I am here for Squid. Being the adoptive mother of 3 (2 from S. Korea and 1 from China) I am here to say I can adopt Squid. What's one more??? My homestudy is complete and I have more peanut butter than my family can possibly eat. AND I do love the zither, although the poetry is a bit gay.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Terri! Thank you for your concern for Scooter and myself, it means a great deal.
Concerning Squid, I've taken him under my wing and am grooming him to assist me in my actions against conservative injustices. Until he can afford his own apartment I am renting him the back bedroom and he seems very comfortable there. Since he mainly eats Jello the cost of feeding him isn't too bad.
I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive, but Squid is gay and his poetry is a reflection of who he is. On a side note, he is very close to being able to read his poetry while playing the zither, and once he masters it will command the adoration of the poetry world.

[Seaspook]

Peace,

How on earth do you keep your mind untangled getting in and out of this persona?

P. Moonbeam: Hi Seaspook! What persona?

[1sttofight]

Hey, with your reputation, 2 out of 3 aint bad.

I am just surprised one of them does not look like Barney, the mule.

P. Moonbeam: Barney is a dinosaur but I guess you'd know that if you weren't drunk every day by 9:00AM.
Squid only drinks white wine and never before noon.

[1sttofight]

Who makes you squeal in ectasy? nuf said.

Who has 3 children with you? nuf said.

Can your new boys even get it up? nuf said.

P. Moonbeam: You know good and well that only two of those kids are yours (hint: the black child is NOT yours)
I don't know about that other stuff, I've tried to block out all negative past memories.
All I know is Squid is educated and plays the zither. That's all I need to know.

[John the Marine]

Poetry? what the hell is poetry? I think you have the wrong idea son. A gentle little lady such as yourself would definitely be at home in the Navy. Here's the number 800-GO-NAVY. You'll meet all kinds of new girlfriends to giggle and exchange recipes with.

Peace, a suggestion for your next assistant (maybe the kid is really dumb enough to enlist in the Navy. It is worth a shot.). How about one of those morally loose Hippie Tramp Slut types who give it up real easy. After a few beers the hairy armpits wouldn't bother me. Heck, if it has been a while I might even listen to the political crap. Never under estimate the power of the pus... I mean a woman's persuasive powers...

Carry on Hippie traitors,
John the Marine out.

P. Moonbeam: Do we really need more proof all men are pigs? Do we?
The soldier types seem the worse (I don't see what Squid sees in them)

[patty]

MMMPMMA
Oh my gosh Peace how are you dear? I have some fresh mint should you need some special tea while you are resting.
Or better yet how about a mint julep? Hon one of granny's juleps will get the heart racing and blood boiling.
Once you sip on Granny's julep you will feel much better and this nasty business can be swept back under the rug.
I am sure the new assistant will be a much needed addition to the cause!!!!

(In a reality moment, Thanks for the exeellent read. I love satire more than just about anything. Great work.)

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty! I would absolutely love a mint julip, especially if it has lots of tequila in it.
I believe Squid will be a very able assistant and he plays the zither like you've never heard! If Scooter ever gets out of Guantanamo, the two of them will be a dynamic duo in the righteous war against the evil neocons.
Thanks for your wonderful support :)

[1sttofight]

Ever since I dumped Peace a few years ago, she has gone over the cliff. She seems to be attracted to these Girlymen, who are the direct opposite my Manly self.
I think she has almost gone over to the dark side, but still wants something with a hang down, no matter how small and pathetic it is.
She always wanted to be in control, fat chance with me. Her constant whining finally got to me and I told her to hit the road but to not change her address so her SSI chack would still come to my house.

P. Moonbeam: I'll have you know Squid is VERY manly. He may be short but he is very smart.
Can you operate a computer by yourself? Can you write beautiful poetry? Can you play the zither without looking at the strings? Squid can do all of these things and much more.
So who's the man now?

[Patrick Joubert]

I hope that Chinese boy isn't your new assistant, Squid. He looks dumber than Scooter. You'd be better off with that purple squid on the desk - and you could probably smoke it afterwards too.

P. Moonbeam: Patrick, Squid is proving to be a very capable assistant. Not only is he very intelligent (Asian you know), but he also writes poetry and plays the zither beautifully. Can you play the zither? I think not.
PS: Squid is not Chinese, he's from San Francisco.

[John the Marine]

Hello, Dan. Is there anyone in there? It's called satire. Now, out of my way panty waste. I'm on my way to "The Village" for some good ole fashion violence against God's chosen whipping boys... or girls, well whatever. You know what my knuckle dragging homophobic mind is thinking.

Hey, Squidly. I don't do appologies. They require feelings (sympathy, compassion, humanity, blah, blah blah...). The Corps squashed all that sissy nonsense out of me in Boot. However, if you like guys in uniform try the Navy.

Oh, yeh. I'm 6ft 4in (one of your shorter Marines).

Squid: You sound very macho and butch to me. Do you enjoy poetry? Maybe we could get together and I could read you some poetry I've written and enjoy an expresso or something.
Also do you have any tattoos?

[Dan]

Dude... not even creative. Or funny.

Is this what right wingers are sinking to? Desperation really shows, and quite crafty how somehow the GOP and all their errors can be blamed on liberals.

As if any of the homophobic Republican base cares the boy was 18... Foley is gay and that's enough for their narrow minds.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Dan, thank you for supporting my blog!
I'll be the first to admit the Moonbeam Chronicles is not as creative or funny as your great site (I had been looking for a web page that could link me to retailers of key chains and Phentermine diet pills, thanks!).
Please know that I proudly stand with you and all gays against the homophobic Republicans.

[John the Marine]

Now, hear this peter puffers! Marines hate fags, all fags. The only question I have is: Do we shoot the ones in the open first and root out the closet queens later? or Do we go after every last one of them via kicking in (closet)doors and dragging their sick little souless bodies into the light to shoot them? Hhhhmmm, I'll have to ponder this one for a while.

Oh, Peace by the way, Where did you find this latest pipsqueak? Squid boy? Marines don't like squids (squid - lower form of Marine life, or Sailor). This butt pirate is already making me wish Scoots was still in the picture to abuse. Oh, well life goes on.

Squid: I demand an apology from you soldier boy. How dare you disparage a life style different from your own (or is it?). Maybe the phrase, "You doth protest too much" is appropriate here.
How tall are you?

[Karen]

LOL, it's like Ann Coulter said re this situation: Republicans caught in a scandal tuck their tails between their legs and hide, but Democrats get snippy.

BTW, it turns out that this young man Foley was... um.. propositioning was not a minor-- he was 18. NOW what will the libs say, I wonder?