October 5, 2006
Oh man, the Republicans have caught fire and are spiraling to earth in a cloud of smoke and desperation. Good. Congressman Mark Foley, honorable pervert representing the great state of horniness, was caught sending nasty instant messages to a minor male page. It seems that this member of the Moral Majority was actually a flaming homo, hell-bent on perverted hot monkey sex with as many males as possible, especially young ones. Disgusting. It's hard to believe this party keeps trying to quash gay marriage when they're all gay themselves. What sense does this make?
I'm starting to think all Republicans are masochists. Every time one of these bozos gets drunk or exposed as gay, they're shamed into the next century, but when a liberal does the same thing, it's good for certain re-election and major street cred with their voting bloc. Why would any politician want to be labeled as a conservative? Do you really want to go through your life without having illicit sex with young girls and boys, not getting drunk and/or stoned, lying about your war record, or drowning people in your car? Of course not. At least pick a party that will reward you for your behavior.
Anyway, this cataclysmic news event apparently triggered an outpouring of repressed memories from my new assistant, Squid. Amid uncontrollable sobbing about feeling "used and dirty," he produced some transcripts he had just typed of an instant message chat he had several years ago. When I saw the initials of whom he was communicating with, I almost blew chunks! An excerpt:
GWB: wuz happenen :}>
GWB: how old are you?
GWB: can I molest you
Squidboy: I'm not that kind of boy, loser.
GWB: I want you so bad
Squidboy: Bite me, perv.
GWB: thats my strategery
My goodness! I couldn't help but feel Squid's pain as I read the damning evidence of homo passions possibly running amok at the highest levels of this administration. No wonder Squid has always seemed a little traumatized, he'd apparently been almost sexually abused by the leader of the most powerful country in the world, or at least someone with the same initials. Of course, Squid couldn't remember if those were the exact initials, but he is sure there was a "W" in there somewhere, and this was all the proof I needed that the neocons have pretty much all gone "light in the loafers." Shocking!
Alas, as publicly happy as we libs are about the Republicans offending their constituents, behind the scenes we're disgusted by their creep into the homo/pedophile/deviant fabric of society. We've worked too hard to establish ourselves in these areas and won't concede them (and the accompanying votes) to the GOP. If they want to do these things, let them become Democrats.
Note to my faithful readers: Immediately after writing the above, I checked myself into an undisclosed rehab center for treatment of various dependencies and personal problems. It goes without saying I'm clearly not responsible for this story.
EXTRA: By popular demand, here's an example of Squid's beautiful poetry:
Morning light filtering through
bark-covered tree branches covered with dew.
Squirrels running to and fro,
like they have no idea where to go.
They scamper in and out of their homey huts
tightly clinging to their little nuts.
Now the last flowers of summer fade,
like they have been sprayed with a can of Raid.
Oh fall, your winds are frosty and cold,
sometimes making my nipples bold.
We gayfully celebrate this time of year
as we anticipate chugging Octoberfest beer.