Jimmy Jong-il

October 13, 2006

Berkeley, California / DPRK

Surely everyone knows what went down this week with the North Koreans threatening to test a nuclear device, as well as the patience of the rest of the world. Kim Jong-il has been saber-rattling for years but this new development forced me to take whatever personal action I could to divert this nuclear threat.

I asked my new assistant Squid to come up with a plan and the result of his efforts was genius and daring: Drawing upon his Asian looks, college acting experience, and a distant relative in South Korea with North Korean connections, Squid would present himself as Kim Jong-il's estranged distant cousin, and after gaining his trust would use his powers of persuasion to get Kim to turn away from nukes in favor of dialog with the rest of the world. With our current pathetic administration unwilling to even talk directly to Kim, this inside track, while a long shot, seemed to be our best hope of effecting change in a non-violent manner.

After an afternoon of in-depth study of North Korea and its leader, Squid was off to South Korea where he would travel by land to the Democratic People's Republic Of Korea (DPRK). Through his connections, Squid had been able to get word to Kim's administration that he was a distant relative of the Dear Leader, had just been released from prison in South Korea, and was returning to his North Korean homeland, a place he had been taken from as a child. Evidently Kim went for it and reportedly had people expecting "Jimmy Jong-il" as Squid was calling himself, at the border crossing.

Long story short, Squid was able to get through the checkpoint and was met by the "Dear Leader" himself! After much hugging, crying (Squid can act with the best of them), and gift exchanging (Kim gave Squid a city, I think), Kim and Jimmy Jong-il were driven away in a limousine surrounded by troops. Wow, it worked! Within a day there were giant posters of Squid hanging in downtown Pyongyang with the inscription, "Dear Cousin," and he was seen accompanying Kim at several important functions. Squid's plan to appear to be mute as a result of torture received at the hands of the imperialist enemy made it easy for him to conceal his inability to speak Korean, and his resemblance to the little toad Kim seemed to leave little doubt that he was a family member.

Unfortunately things didn't work out as I had hoped. Within a few days, international news reports showed Squid using angry gestures and crude drawings to convey a threat of nuclear annihilation against the United States. Other news stories showed him and Kim Jong-il meeting with scientists working on the nuclear weapons program, reviewing troops, and playing tennis. I assumed this was an act until reports came out of North Korea that Squid was living in a mansion with about a dozen beautiful women, and torturing "enemies of the state" for amusement. Oh crap.

In spite of the world's best efforts, not to mention my own, the nuclear test was carried out, and what's worse I understand Kim gave Jimmy Jong-il the honor of pushing the button that set the damn thing off. That's just ducky. I'm telling you right now, Squid has got a lot of explaining to do when he gets home.

Comments

[sprint ringtones suck]

Hello good design. Very nice.

[reverend gisher]

you intial post was fantastic, and thanks for signing up. your check is in the mail.

P. Moonbeam: Thank you Reverend. Please remember, nothing larger than $100s.

[John the Marine]

I thought joining the NAVY was a long shot. Sheesh, who would of guessed this plot twist. Well now that tinkerbell has gone to skip through the rice paddies with Kim we can discuss your new assistant. Remember, No More: Fags, guys who should be fags and anything remotely resembling a dude. Now, in the interest of the women's movement it is this Marine's opinion that you go with a female. As a matter fact a naked female who doesn't talk. She should just pose nude for the website. That way you could charge $19.95 a month to all comers. By the way, since it is my idea we split 50/50. Think of all the money you could raise for the cause. Or, you could blow your half on weed, beer and munchies instead, that's up to you.

P. Moonbeam: John, I hardly think objectifying women would be in the best interests of the liberal movement.
I would be open to a female assistant if she is properly qualified and significantly less attractive then myself, but having her display her appendages for the sick amusement of you and the rest of your little soldier friends is simply not going to happen on my watch.
For the time being I'm hoping Squid comes to his senses and returns home. I miss his zither playing tremendously.

[1sttofight]

Well Peace , as you well know, goats are not that much different than donkeys.
Have you forgotten about the Saturday nights at the barn entertaining the boys?
I haven't but I do miss the income.
Come on back, the boys and the goat miss you.
This time I will split the take 50/50 but only on the cover charge.
You and the donkey can work your own deal on tips.

P. Moonbeam: You're obviously confusing me with one of your other wives. However I could understand how one attracted to livestock could find the same sort of qualities in you. Each to his, her, or its own I guess!

[Patrick Joubert Conlon]

BTW, Squid speaks very highly of you.

Peace, tell Squid to keep his mouth shut about our past. I gave up "eating rice" years ago. Those damn Chinese queens are so much more demanding than the goats on my farm.

P. Moonbeam: OOooh, me thinks there is more to this story than Squid is telling!

[jarhead john]

Well, at least he's now a snappy dresser. The "Brady Bunch-militaristic" look fits him well.

P. Moonbeam: I prefer him in his normal "I'm not just happy, I'm gay!" tee shirt, shorts, and sandals.

[SeanS]

Oh, man! I have been out of it too long! Scooter goes to jail, you get a new assistant and he's hanging with The Il? Maybe I shouldn't have had that last shroom... Damn you, Willie Nelson!

P. Moonbeam: Hi SeanS, where ya been? Things have been going to hell in a handbasket (whatever a handbasket is) around here. Hopefully Scooter will get released from Gitmo soon or Squid will tire of that little toad Il and come home. If neither of those things happen, I guess I'll be looking for yet another assistant.

[Blubrdz]

Peace, I just learned how to play the Jews Harp, I lost two front teeth learning though :(. You should hear me play "Kumbuya". Do you think Squidzy Poo and I could start up a zither/jews harp band? We could get Pepe to be the manager and book all our concerts. We could Scoots old bus to travel to the gigs in, (since his stay at Club Gitmo could last quite a while, I doubt he will need it). You can be in charge of the groopies and design our stage outfits. We might even make enough dough for you to be able to move out of the trailer park, or at least ditch that rust bucket you live in now and get you into an Airstream.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Blubrdz! I would be remiss in my liberalism if I didn't point out the fact that Jews continue to oppress the Palestinians and occupy their homeland. Because of this injustice I can't approve of Zionist musical instruments or the playing thereof.
BTW, I am renting an adequate, if small, house in Pepe's colorful neighborhood.

[1sttofight]

When did you ever go to college? That donkey show I found you in down in TiJuana certainly wasnt a college.
If I had been sober I would have left you there with your 4 legged friend.
BTW, Nonukes is set to get out of jail Monday, I gave him your address and told him you owned a gas station.
Have a good weekend. Heh, Heh, Heh.

P. Moonbeam: My mother may have been a retarded alcoholic/dope fiend but she was sure right about you.

[Wm H]

After a quick search on Google, I discovered Squid and Kim were lovers in a previous life. Thanks to you, they are back together to spin their evil web of destruction throughout the free world (yes Squid hates our freedom). Also, Scooter's was to lead his sleeper cell, and his mission was to destroy Squid when he showed up at your door step........but noooooooo you had to drop a dime and get poor Scooter sent off to Cuba where he is locked away in a house of torture.

Ok I have a plan, see if Patrick will assist you on a mission to 'Gitmo' and bust Scooter out so he can travel to N. Korea and complete his mission. (other wise he'll never receive his 72 virgins)

P. Moonbeam: A clever plan to be sure but I'm not so certain Squid is gone forever.
I also did some online research and can find absolutely no references to zithers being available in North Korea. I know for a fact that Squid's first love is playing the zither and I doubt he can go too many weeks without it. I'm thinking if Kim can't produce one, Squids history. We'll see.

[Cinnamon]

Peace, Peace, Peace. You have GOT to STOP conducting your employee hunting at Berkeley demonstrations.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Cinnamon. Just saying your name gives me the munchies!
Actually, Squid is the son of an old friend and former college professor of mine. He comes from good liberal stock.

[jainphx]

What are you going to do for an assistant,it seems your luck just isnt that good when it comes to long term assistantship.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Jainphx. I'm starting to wonder the same thing. Hopefully Squid will be back as all his stuff is still at my house.

[Patrick Joubert]

Don't say I didn't warn you. You know you can't trust those inscrutable Chinks er Korks or whatever.

P. Moonbeam: Patrick, calling Squid names is beneath you. Something tells me you are simply jealous of his zither and poetry skills.
BTW, Squid speaks very highly of you.