October 13, 2006
Berkeley, California / DPRK
Surely everyone knows what went down this week with the North Koreans threatening to test a nuclear device, as well as the patience of the rest of the world. Kim Jong-il has been saber-rattling for years but this new development forced me to take whatever personal action I could to divert this nuclear threat.
I asked my new assistant Squid to come up with a plan and the result of his efforts was genius and daring: Drawing upon his Asian looks, college acting experience, and a distant relative in South Korea with North Korean connections, Squid would present himself as Kim Jong-il's estranged distant cousin, and after gaining his trust would use his powers of persuasion to get Kim to turn away from nukes in favor of dialog with the rest of the world. With our current pathetic administration unwilling to even talk directly to Kim, this inside track, while a long shot, seemed to be our best hope of effecting change in a non-violent manner.
After an afternoon of in-depth study of North Korea and its leader, Squid was off to South Korea where he would travel by land to the Democratic People's Republic Of Korea (DPRK). Through his connections, Squid had been able to get word to Kim's administration that he was a distant relative of the Dear Leader, had just been released from prison in South Korea, and was returning to his North Korean homeland, a place he had been taken from as a child. Evidently Kim went for it and reportedly had people expecting "Jimmy Jong-il" as Squid was calling himself, at the border crossing.
Long story short, Squid was able to get through the checkpoint and was met by the "Dear Leader" himself! After much hugging, crying (Squid can act with the best of them), and gift exchanging (Kim gave Squid a city, I think), Kim and Jimmy Jong-il were driven away in a limousine surrounded by troops. Wow, it worked! Within a day there were giant posters of Squid hanging in downtown Pyongyang with the inscription, "Dear Cousin," and he was seen accompanying Kim at several important functions. Squid's plan to appear to be mute as a result of torture received at the hands of the imperialist enemy made it easy for him to conceal his inability to speak Korean, and his resemblance to the little toad Kim seemed to leave little doubt that he was a family member.
Unfortunately things didn't work out as I had hoped. Within a few days, international news reports showed Squid using angry gestures and crude drawings to convey a threat of nuclear annihilation against the United States. Other news stories showed him and Kim Jong-il meeting with scientists working on the nuclear weapons program, reviewing troops, and playing tennis. I assumed this was an act until reports came out of North Korea that Squid was living in a mansion with about a dozen beautiful women, and torturing "enemies of the state" for amusement. Oh crap.
In spite of the world's best efforts, not to mention my own, the nuclear test was carried out, and what's worse I understand Kim gave Jimmy Jong-il the honor of pushing the button that set the damn thing off. That's just ducky. I'm telling you right now, Squid has got a lot of explaining to do when he gets home.