DPRK: A Worker's Paradise

Dear Readers,

I thought I would share the following letter I received from Squid who is now living in North Korea and calling himself "Jimmy Jong-il:"

October 14, 2006

Democratic Peoples Republic Of Korea (DPRK)

Dear Imperialist Lackey Moonbeam,

I just wanted to send this letter to tell you I'm well. Actually not just well, but flourishing in this worker's paradise! The progressiveness our Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has brought to this utopia is simply awe-inspiring. It's everything we have worked toward in the U.S. but have failed to accomplish.

In this country there are no divisions between people as there are no social classes, just one and equality for all. We even all wear the same clothes (although Dear Leader and I have more than one set and ours are not woven from cadaver pubic hair). The standard of living here is far better than I had been told. My palace is absolutely beautiful with large, comfortably decorated rooms and a swimming pool to die for. Your place is a dung heap compared to this and Dear Leader's crib makes mine look like a rat-hole! Sure, there are some marginal shelters/cardboard boxes around here but even in your bourgeois nation there are people who don't care about fixing up their houses. Laziness is truly worldwide and I have to admit there is an incredible amount here, but one can't force people to take pride in their shelters/holes/etc. if they don't want to.

Contrary to the lies fed to you by your government about food shortages in the DPRK, if anything, there is too much food here! My own Sub-Zero refrigerators have so much stuff in them, I can barely close the doors! And I'm not talking about Hot Pockets and junk like that, I'm talking lobster (really big ones!), crab, fillets, fresh fruit, etc. I'm even toying with the idea of binge/purging so I can eat more food and not get full. I think a lot of people resort to this here as I never see fat people, or even slender people, just really, really thin and somewhat athletic-looking people. Dear Leader says this is also due to his patented compulsory exercise program in the weapons factories. I guess Dear Leader and myself should join them as frankly we're getting more than a little pudgy! Maybe the bulimia thing will help me.

By now you've heard of the glorious achievement in our struggle against our enemies. I myself pushed the button that set off the powerful "People's Bomb Jong-il Boom-O-Matic Round-Eye Eliminator(TM)" nuclear device. No doubt Bush and his allies are wetting themselves with this mighty display of destructive DPRK superiority! You know, Kim Jong-il designed this bomb on a cocktail napkin at lunch the other day. Are there any limits to his talents? The answer is no! Anyone who can invent the game of golf one minute and a nuclear device the next is blessed with intelligence not of this world. We love him.

Anyway, Dear Leader has promised me a pony and I think I'll stick around for awhile till it comes. As for my stuff, you can have my stereo but I'd appreciate it if you could send my bong collection, some seeds, and a fork.

Best Regards,

"Dear Cousin" Jimmy Jong-il

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

Does Jimmy Jong-il have his own bed or he shares it with Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, just the same he shares last names? :)

P. Moonbeam: That is anyone's guess but I'm betting they share a bed.

[Comrade Tak Sin]

Kimrongil is praised for 234 days.

P. Moonbeam: Comrade Tak Sin, I see you obviously have much in common with Squ... er... Jimmy Jong-il. Could you do me a favor and ask the "Dear Cousin" Jimmy Jong when he's coming home?
Thank you!

[Wm H]

WTF is going on, why have you not posted, I am concerned for the safety of Squid. His life may be in danger!!! Everyone in the free worlds knows Dear Leader Kim Jong-il is a booty bandit who hates our freedom and is only able to maintain an erection while dreaming of nuking the U.S. of A. or boogering his kinfolks. I demand an update or will sendin the marines!

[rightwingprof]

No poetry? I'm so sad!

[patty]

MM
Its so hard to let them go but this bit a sadness will be replaced with pride.
I do hope sqi er Jimmy Jong has found the peace and love he so deserves.
Now my dear friend, we must find you a new assistant. Have you considered perhaps a loyal Native American. They have great herbs or so I am told.
MPMMA

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty. I would be delighted to have a Native American if for no other reason so I could, in my own small way, give back some of what we stole from them (not really land or things like that but maybe pride and self-esteem. Oh, I could give him/her a little land, say maybe the corner of my backyard that floods or something like that).
I'm all about righting wrongs and whatever I could do for these poor savages would be my sincere pleasure:)

[Blubrdz]

Did Squid take his zyther with him? If he did, has he played it for Lil Kimmy?

P. Moonbeam: Hi Bluebrdz. Squid left his zither at at my place but I understand Dear Leader is having local craftsmen make him several new ones. It's no wonder Squid won't come home.

[webloafer]

My friend Moonbeam,

You have had another 'tough-love' experience. You should discard all of the men in your life that are not lumberjacks or truck drivers. If you would do that, you wouldn't have to bear all this abuse by metro sexual wimps, nerds and wusses.

Squidly is an imitation man/boy. When the potbellied Kim jock swill kicks him out of his rat hole of a nation, he will be on your doorstep begging forgiveness for all the nasty things he said about you
Wish I could be there to teach the Squidly a lesson he needs taught..........

Don't be nasty to such a fine lady as Moonbeam.

I think a check of his tires with my tire thumper would do the trick.

Later,
and here's hoping a real man finds a way into your life. Instead of more imitation men, you need to visit more truck stops and lumber mills.

P. Moonbeam: Webloafer, while I appreciate your concern for my welfare, I'm not so sure about your advice.

First of all, the only drivers I would tolerate are those who drive cute little hybrid cars like the Toyota Prius. Anybody driving anything larger than that should be fined and arrested for wasting fossil fuels and destroying the enviroment in general.

And lumberjacks? Are you kidding me? Lumberjacks? The only thing I would do with a lumberjack is cut him in half with his own chainsaw to demonstrate what a poor tree feels like getting cut down. After that I'd pee on him and try to get some truck driver run over him about a dozen times. Then I'd chainsaw the truck driver and his truck too. I would take all the goods out of the trailer and give them to the poor unless they were luxury goods, in which case I would cut them up with the chainsaw and then pee on them also.

[Terri]

Awwww, your little Squiddy is moving on, but like all young ones, he must spread his wings and fly. I'm just curious, did honorable cousin say he would give Squid a "pony" or "pony fun?"

P. Moonbeam: I think Kim's giving him a real pony. He gave him a Nissan 350Z convertible last week, and named a bridge after him, too.

[John the Marine]

Well, it seems the kid is gone forever, shucks. I won't bother you further respecting a replacement (We've already been there. Strangely you have shown yourself to be closed minded to my well thought out suggestion.)

"Dear Imperialist Lackey" don't let this quote upset you. Hell, in my circle of friends we would consider this a compliment.

P.S. The guys in Gitmo sent me word of your friend Scooter. Hey, my fellow Marines know that I'm concerned for the Lad. You'll be happy to know since he's an American (geographically speaking) they're only water boarding him once a week. If you have any requests let me know. I'm sure the fellas will be more than happy to throw in an extra beating or two if you ask nice.

John the Marine Out.

P. Moonbeam: Hello John The Marine. I'm glad to hear Scooter is receiving preferential treatment from your soldier friends.
Please remind your friends that Scooter won't eat toast unless someone cuts off the crust, and he likes extra fabric softener used on his underwear.
I would appreciate it if you could try to get him released early.

[SeanS]

Jimmy Jong-Il sure is eloquent in his writing. I think that's why I like him more than Scooter. Or it could be the way his legs look in short shorts. Either way, I miss him so.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Sean. If you think his writing is eloquent you should see his poetry.

[Wm H]

Imperialist Lackey Moonbeam? I hope your not going to take that laying down. I suggest dumping his s@&t in a yard sell, and bet Scooter would appreciate receiving the bong collection as a care package while at Gitmo. Bet it would even change his statues amoung those gaurding him.

P. Moonbeam: I understand where Squ.. er..Jimmy Jong is coming from. I realize that as long as I live in this country I share the guilt of oppressing the disadvantaged masses, so I don't blame him for pointing out the obvious.
As for Scooter, I sure do miss him.

[beth]

Peace,

I hope you aren't sending him the items he's asking for. No telling what he and his cuz will do with that stuff :(

P. Moonbeam: It's okay Beth, he's completely trustworthy.

[1sttofight]

Squid might want to ask the Dear Leader just exactly what a pony means in Korean.

He may be surprised or knowing him Highly Gratified.
If you know what I mean.

[Cinnamon]

Aw, Peace, it must make your heart burst with pride to see Squid moving up so quickly in the world. Getting to live in an actual worker's paradise! Why, its almost like getting to live in Cuba!

I do hope those palaces are equipped with radiation shelters. I hear that stuff can be kind of unpleasant.

P. Moonbeam: I'm somewhat proud of Squid, in spite of his newfound militaristic attitude.