I thought I would share the following letter I received from Squid who is now living in North Korea and calling himself "Jimmy Jong-il:"
October 14, 2006
Democratic Peoples Republic Of Korea (DPRK)
Dear Imperialist Lackey Moonbeam,
I just wanted to send this letter to tell you I'm well. Actually not just well, but flourishing in this worker's paradise! The progressiveness our Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has brought to this utopia is simply awe-inspiring. It's everything we have worked toward in the U.S. but have failed to accomplish.
In this country there are no divisions between people as there are no social classes, just one and equality for all. We even all wear the same clothes (although Dear Leader and I have more than one set and ours are not woven from cadaver pubic hair). The standard of living here is far better than I had been told. My palace is absolutely beautiful with large, comfortably decorated rooms and a swimming pool to die for. Your place is a dung heap compared to this and Dear Leader's crib makes mine look like a rat-hole! Sure, there are some marginal shelters/cardboard boxes around here but even in your bourgeois nation there are people who don't care about fixing up their houses. Laziness is truly worldwide and I have to admit there is an incredible amount here, but one can't force people to take pride in their shelters/holes/etc. if they don't want to.
Contrary to the lies fed to you by your government about food shortages in the DPRK, if anything, there is too much food here! My own Sub-Zero refrigerators have so much stuff in them, I can barely close the doors! And I'm not talking about Hot Pockets and junk like that, I'm talking lobster (really big ones!), crab, fillets, fresh fruit, etc. I'm even toying with the idea of binge/purging so I can eat more food and not get full. I think a lot of people resort to this here as I never see fat people, or even slender people, just really, really thin and somewhat athletic-looking people. Dear Leader says this is also due to his patented compulsory exercise program in the weapons factories. I guess Dear Leader and myself should join them as frankly we're getting more than a little pudgy! Maybe the bulimia thing will help me.
By now you've heard of the glorious achievement in our struggle against our enemies. I myself pushed the button that set off the powerful "People's Bomb Jong-il Boom-O-Matic Round-Eye Eliminator(TM)" nuclear device. No doubt Bush and his allies are wetting themselves with this mighty display of destructive DPRK superiority! You know, Kim Jong-il designed this bomb on a cocktail napkin at lunch the other day. Are there any limits to his talents? The answer is no! Anyone who can invent the game of golf one minute and a nuclear device the next is blessed with intelligence not of this world. We love him.
Anyway, Dear Leader has promised me a pony and I think I'll stick around for awhile till it comes. As for my stuff, you can have my stereo but I'd appreciate it if you could send my bong collection, some seeds, and a fork.
"Dear Cousin" Jimmy Jong-il