The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

The Homecoming

November 24, 2006

Berkeley, California

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I had so many things to be thankful for I could hardly count them all: the Democrats stormed both Houses, Iraq war going from bad to worse, Republican Senators and Evangelists exposed as pedophiles, homos, and druggies, and many others. I was so looking forward to celebrating the holiday with my family, but unfortunately they were all busy and couldn't make it. Also, my new assistant Sunshine quit Monday and stole $300 and my new clock radio. I was depressed and resigned to spending Thanksgiving alone.

I woke up Thursday morning to somebody repeatedly playing "Shave and a Haircut" on my doorbell and by the time I got to the door I was ready to drop-kick whoever it was into the next century. I flung open the door and there in front of me wasn't the pair of Jehovah's Witnesses I was expecting, but Scooter! My initial reaction was to turn and run, but I noticed he didn't stink and wasn't wearing a beard, so I just stood there and asked, "Are you Scooter or Kareem?" He replied, " Mohammad sucks, call me Scooter," and then I broke down in tears and hugged him tightly. As we both sobbed in tender embrace I suddenly became aware of the fact he was kind of humping me, so I kneed him in the nuts and went to the kitchen to start preparing a celebratory feast.

Once Scooter was able to get off the floor, he joined me in the kitchen. As I prepared the turkey, he told me all about his stay at Guantanamo and how the other inmates turned on him after someone noticed in the shower that he had been circumcised. Oh oh! From that point on they accused him of being an Israeli spy and tried numerous times to kill him. In a stroke of genius, he pasted pages of the Quran all over his body, so they couldn't harm him lest they damage them. Brilliant! He was released after renouncing his faith and ratting out some of his former friends. He said he was sorry he tried to kill me, and I knew he meant it.

We drank lots of tequila and cooked up a storm. Finally, late that afternoon everything was done and we sat down to eat. When Scooter asked to say a prayer of thanksgiving, I marveled at the life-changing transformation he had obviously undergone. Unfortunately what followed was a rambling, drunken intonement giving thanks for his release from prison, turkeys, tequila, me, puppies, his mother, gentle rains, and some other stuff I don't remember. After downing another shot of tequila he continued, beseeching God to send hellfire and damnation on all the jihadists in prison that tried to harm him, and also on that girl he met at the convenience store who turned him down for a date yesterday. He was in the process of asking God for the bloody dismemberment of his old gym teacher when I cut him short, as the food was getting cold and I was losing my appetite. Everything was delicious except for the green bean casserole Scooter made, as it had a distinct smell of ammonia and contained his wristwatch.

I couldn't be happier Scooter is back and no longer a Muslim. Even with the Dems yanking us out of Iraq there's still plenty to protest, and with Scooter's artistic ability and my brains, we can, and will, change the world.

Bold Party, Bold Plan

November 17, 2006

Washington DC

After six years of Republican lethargy, we Dems are moving forward with bold plans to fix this country. The American public asked for change and we're going to bend them over and give it to them, fast and hard!

By far the most urgent need is to achieve victory in Iraq. As we discussed earlier, the only way to achieve this victory is to leave as soon as possible. Some prominent Democratic leaders have called for pullouts within four to six months. Are you kidding me? What are they waiting for? For Halliburton to make MORE money? For MORE innocent Iraqis to be photographed playing "Twister" naked in prisons? I say everyone out by Saturday, last one leaving kill the lights.

One thing Bush hasn't understood is the fact that just the act of having soldiers over there in these Arab countries has turned zillions of formerly peaceful Arabs into terrorists. I know for a fact that if I saw Arab soldiers down the street from my house, I'd strap on bombs and go blow them up, or at least try to cut their heads off or something. I've done some figuring and with the Dems' proposed "Forces Leaving Early Expeditiously" plan (FLEE), I calculate over 378.3 terrorists will not be created every week we are gone. These men and women will instead most likely become professors, doctors, and nurses. Also, without Halliburton around, the Iraqis can create their own companies to do whatever Halliburton was doing, and the billions these companies earn can build malls and water parks and stuff. Result: happy Iraqis working at high-paying jobs, shopping and having fun, not blowing things up.

As expected, the Republicans are crying a river over our plans to exit Iraq gracefully with dignity, but no big surprise there - you'd cry too if someone took away your oil wells. The biggest whiner is the Iraqi government itself, "Oh boohoo, our government will collapse, hundreds of thousands of people will die in sectarian violence, Muslim extremist groups will take over, blah blah blah." Oh please, over here we're battling for stem cell research and tax hikes, fending off Evangelical homo-drug addicts, etc., and you're complaining about a few heavily-armed over-stimulated camel jockeys? Give me a break.

When it's all said and done, there's nothing wrong in Iraq that the ACLU couldn't fix, and the sooner we send some lawyers over there and start suing the crap out of the troublemakers, the quicker that rat's nest will become civilized.

Troops out, lawyers in, build water parks. All better.

Just Say Pelosi!

November 10, 2006

San Francisco, California

Woohoo! We kicked the war-mongering neocons to the curb! Rumsfeld is toast! Congratulations have been pouring in from all over the world. Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr, Hugo Chavez, Hamas, numerous officials from France and the European Union, North Korea, Iran, Syria, and others all herald the outcome of this election as a great thing. Domestically, the Communist Party of America, the Socialists Party of America, The Council on American-Islamic Relations, the NAACP, and many other progressive patriotic groups are also trumpeting these elections as a turning point for America. I've never seen such an outpouring of love and support from our friends!

Sunshine and I have been celebrating for two days straight here in San Francisco with friends and local politicos including future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi herself! At a party Thursday night I spent over three hours with this likable little liberal leftist, and had the opportunity to get a sneak preview of her vision of enlightened change for our country. To say I'm excited would be an understatement!

First and foremost, I asked her how quickly the Democrats were going to press their plan for victory in Iraq. Nancy said as soon as they think up a plan, they were going to ram it through. When questioned further, she said she was pretty sure their strategy would probably involve some sort of rapid retreat as soon as possible. "Our goal will most likely be an orderly and dignified exit like we did in Vietnam, only hopefully without the millions of people being slaughtered after we leave," she said, and after taking a long bong hit added, "I'd also like to see some sort of punishment for at least those troops who wantonly discharged firearms or disrespected Iraqis while in their country." Mrs. Pelosi also expressed a desire to slash defense spending while using the money saved to institute a welfare program for disenfranchised and/or pissed off Muslims abroad, a move sure to erase the deserved hate many Islamic extremists have for our country. After several more bong hits, I started getting a little creeped out when I realized in the smokey light she looked just like Michael Jackson, but I digress...

Probably the most exciting thing Representative Pelosi divulged was a plan to reinvigorate the pro-choice movement by introducing legislation to allow federal funding for abortion into the ninth trimester. Anybody who's ever raised a two-year-old can appreciate this effort to give women the right to choose. I personally would have gladly aborted my one-year-old if the government would have footed the bill. Also, I feel Mrs. Pelosi's desire to raise taxes on those wealthy individuals earning more than $30,000 a year, while giving those under that level total tax relief and certificates for free Church's Fried Chicken, truly exemplifies the spirit of the Democratic Party and makes me glad I'm poor. Unfortunately, her wish to burn churches and publicly torture George Bush, while admirable, probably won't happen. Hey, we can all dream.

Happy days are here again.

Hari-Kerry

November 3, 2006

Berkeley, California

OMG, here we liberals are, cruising to an easy victory in recapturing both Houses, when John Kerry attempts a joke about Bush's stupidity. Unfortunately his own complete and total lack of intelligence negated his ability to tell the joke properly, and next thing you know the whole country's pissed off. That's just great. What is it with this guy, can't anybody in our party make him shut up until after the elections?

Look, we know John is an all-American hero for the part he played in turning public opinion against the Vietnam war in the 70s. We appreciate the fact that he's constantly brought to light the evil deeds of our military, and campaigned for pulling out of this war after he mistakenly voted us into it. He is obviously a man of integrity and honor, but every time he opens his mouth in the last couple of years, the conservatives have had a field day and the Democrats lose votes. Please, somebody make him be quiet until we get some people into office.

Everything had been going so well: Many of our candidates have been talking about "faith" and "values," words that really juice the hicks in middle America and NASCAR country. Of course all our candidates have been hammering Chimpy McHitler on the Iraq war, and just like in the 70s are starting to build a general feeling of hopelessness and despair in the American public that we can't win. Another winning strategy has been to point out how bad our economy is. As strange as it sounds, this has actually been working pretty good! It's kind of like saying, "It stinks in here" - even if it doesn't, half the people think they smell something. Fortunately, many of our supporters aren't exceptionally bright, so when we tell them the economy stinks, they smell it :)

The Democratic National Committee correctly identified that the sound of Nancy Pelosi's voice made people want to slit their wrists, so they told her to be quiet for the last several weeks leading up to the election, and she has. The same with Ted Kennedy, Howard Dean, Charlie Rangel, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Al Gore, and for the most part, they've clammed up. I understand the DNC even insisted that Ted Kennedy not drive anyone any place until after the polls close. But what about John Kerry? Is it too much to ask that the official boat anchor of the DNC zip his pie-hole for ONE FREAKING WEEK? If something like this happened in the GOP, Karl Rove himself would neuter the offender with a pair of nail clippers.

Where's our Karl Rove?