The Homecoming

November 24, 2006

Berkeley, California

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I had so many things to be thankful for I could hardly count them all: the Democrats stormed both Houses, Iraq war going from bad to worse, Republican Senators and Evangelists exposed as pedophiles, homos, and druggies, and many others. I was so looking forward to celebrating the holiday with my family, but unfortunately they were all busy and couldn't make it. Also, my new assistant Sunshine quit Monday and stole $300 and my new clock radio. I was depressed and resigned to spending Thanksgiving alone.

I woke up Thursday morning to somebody repeatedly playing "Shave and a Haircut" on my doorbell and by the time I got to the door I was ready to drop-kick whoever it was into the next century. I flung open the door and there in front of me wasn't the pair of Jehovah's Witnesses I was expecting, but Scooter! My initial reaction was to turn and run, but I noticed he didn't stink and wasn't wearing a beard, so I just stood there and asked, "Are you Scooter or Kareem?" He replied, " Mohammad sucks, call me Scooter," and then I broke down in tears and hugged him tightly. As we both sobbed in tender embrace I suddenly became aware of the fact he was kind of humping me, so I kneed him in the nuts and went to the kitchen to start preparing a celebratory feast.

Once Scooter was able to get off the floor, he joined me in the kitchen. As I prepared the turkey, he told me all about his stay at Guantanamo and how the other inmates turned on him after someone noticed in the shower that he had been circumcised. Oh oh! From that point on they accused him of being an Israeli spy and tried numerous times to kill him. In a stroke of genius, he pasted pages of the Quran all over his body, so they couldn't harm him lest they damage them. Brilliant! He was released after renouncing his faith and ratting out some of his former friends. He said he was sorry he tried to kill me, and I knew he meant it.

We drank lots of tequila and cooked up a storm. Finally, late that afternoon everything was done and we sat down to eat. When Scooter asked to say a prayer of thanksgiving, I marveled at the life-changing transformation he had obviously undergone. Unfortunately what followed was a rambling, drunken intonement giving thanks for his release from prison, turkeys, tequila, me, puppies, his mother, gentle rains, and some other stuff I don't remember. After downing another shot of tequila he continued, beseeching God to send hellfire and damnation on all the jihadists in prison that tried to harm him, and also on that girl he met at the convenience store who turned him down for a date yesterday. He was in the process of asking God for the bloody dismemberment of his old gym teacher when I cut him short, as the food was getting cold and I was losing my appetite. Everything was delicious except for the green bean casserole Scooter made, as it had a distinct smell of ammonia and contained his wristwatch.

I couldn't be happier Scooter is back and no longer a Muslim. Even with the Dems yanking us out of Iraq there's still plenty to protest, and with Scooter's artistic ability and my brains, we can, and will, change the world.

Comments

[Patty]

MM. Ms. Peace if you will gently break it to Scooter somehow. I am an old grandma. (I no longer participate in skyclad cermonies. I frighten myself.)
I would hate for him to be disapointed.
I am always up for adopting another grandchild tho.
I could use a hand with the herb gardens. The rewards could be great.
Merry Part Merry Meet Again

P. Moonbeam: That's okay Patty, just between you and me, Scooter is no prize. His almost total lack of personal hygene makes him a less-than-stellar date.

[Wm H]

"Scooter: I guess you dont realise I know karatee and several other marshmellow arts. I dont need a lawyer to do my talking just these furius chicken choking fists of fury.
Youve been warned."

Boy you better watch your mouth, you may not have realized it yet but.......I might be your Daddy!

Scooter: I know for a fact your not my daddy. He lives in a commune in Oregon and hates soldiers.

[John the Marine]

Scoots, Wm sounds serious. Do what she says, for your own good. My experience in the Corps has taught me not to fool with WM's. They're mean as hell and very unpredictable. Peace, get a few cases of beer, Wm, the platoon and I will be damn thirsty when we arrive.

Scooter: Im serious too. I dont like vilence but I will open a can of woopass on anybody who gets in my way. After spending months with angry jihadies, your little soldier friends dont scare me.

[webloafer]

Peace my dear,

Did they let Scoot keep his orange jumpsuit?

I have been looking for one. I am planning on subsidizing my retirement with incense and fruitcake sells down at the train station. I remember the glorious days of waiting for the cable cars to be turned around while orange robed people chanted Hari Krishna and tried to sell me sticks of lousy incence for a dollar.

What with inflation, I should be able to get $3 or $4 a stick.

I have arranged to rent a wino each day from a rescue mission here in town, and will have him/her shake a tamborine for 8 hours, while I rake in the dollars. Hey, it worked in San Fransicko.

So glad the Dem's are in control of the pursestrings of the nation. I'm sure they will think about the little ones, ones that make in a year, less than Nancy Smellosi makes in a day.

But until the Dems take complete control, my social security just isn't going to be enough. So if scooter still has a few Orange jumpsuits, you know my address here in Kansas. You can probably deduct them from your income taxes, I am a non profit organization.....Spike Lee's lawyer is helping me with the paperwork.

P. Moonbeam: Hello webloafer. Scooter wasn't allowed to keep the jumpsuit but did manage to smuggle out some really nice little scented soaps and small bottles of Suave shampoo.
He's selling the soaps for $2.00 each and the shampoos for $1.75 each.

[Wm H]

Go ahead and call your lawyer and I'll have O.J. and Robert Blake pay you a visit. You may have the wool pulled over PM's eyes, but John The Marine and I have you pegged for what you are, and will rescue her from your clutches. You, you nasty leg humper!

Scooter: I guess you dont realise I know karatee and several other marshal arts. I dont need a lawyer to do my talking just these furius fists of fury.
Youve been warned.

[Wm H]

Scooter, you have 24 hours to send the money and booze by Overnight Express or the video hits the WWW. Oh'yeah from what I seen in the video you may need a double dose of X-LAX....those insurgants down at Gitmo packed you pretty hard and often, I was supprised you were able sit down during the Thanksgiving meal.

Scooter: You send me $20.00 and a 12 pack of Pepsi or I call my lawyer.

[Ali]

Glad to see you had such a pleasant Thanksgiving!
You paint the picture so well, I'm jealous I wasn't invited!

P. Moonbeam: Hello Ali! Next year you're invited, especially if you know how to cook.

[1sttofight]

Talk about a chrome robber.
Back in her prime, Peace could clean the chrome off a '59 Caddy in less than 5 minutes.
I know because I had one.
But on the good side, well really there is no good side so never mind.

P. Moonbeam: Disgusting.

[Wm H]

I just received a video from GySgt Bone-crusher at Gitmo, it seems as though Scooters cell mates seen him as more of a goat then a man. I just may upload the video to 'My-Tube so everyone can see it, but on second thought I would do better to turn it over to the World Court so they can file charges against Scooter for forcing his cell mates to back-slide from their commitment to stay pure for their promised 72 virgins. Man Scooter is one sick puppy, he was so demanding of them. I swear he could suc the chrome off the bumper of a 57 chevy.

Tell you what I'll do, if Scooter sends me $100.00 and a quart of Wild Turkey I'll seal the video in a Kraft mayonnaise jar and just hide in the back of my closet.

P. Moonbeam: Wm H, Scooter insists he was the abusee, not the abuser.
He is threatening to sue you for extortion, and will, if you don't give him a $100 Home Depot gift card and a susbscription to "Boys Gone Wild."

[Patty]

Merry Meet Ms. Peace,
I am so delighted that your beloved friend has returned. What a blessed holiday indeed.
I certianly hope that all his lovely friends encourage him to back off the self medication and seek out a herbalist that can assist him in getting back on track. I know Scooter is your friend and never meant to harm your home or you.
Blessed be Peace and have a joyful Christmas Holiday.
MPMMA

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty, thank you for joining me in welcoming Scooter back. His return really made Thanksgiving special, at least up to the point where he violently vomited into the turkey cavity.
Best holiday wishes to you and yours!

PS: Scooter wants to know if you're single and in any way resemble Pamela Anderson.

[John the Marine]

Peace/Scooter,
Don't use pencil. Write your letter in Black ink, it looks more official that way (and don't dot your "I's" with circles or hearts like some kind of 13 yr old girl). I would send the money but I already spent my allowance on .45 cal ammo and a new K-bar fighting knife (The C.O./Wife is pretty tight with the money).

The Gitmo Marines aren't too worried about kofi and Company. After all the current Pres, "W", doesn't care much for the U.N. and besides he already told the I.C.C. (International Criminal Court) to go suck an egg (In your face N.Pelosi!). Gotta love the expert diplomacy of the current Adminastration. Oh my! I see I'm late for my meeting of the "Americans Who Hate France Association" Busy, Busy...

John the Marine Out.

P.S. I'm not sending the candy because it will rot your teeth. Besides, after all that wonderful chow at Gitmo Scoots is probably in need of a diet.

P. Moonbeam: Scooter said he'd be willing to drop the charges for $25.00 and Hershey Bar. Final offer.

[John the Marine]

You know there is something wrong in the World when I say, "I'm glad Scooter is back". I suppose I prefer the devil I know, to the one I don't. However, he is still a: sissy mary, panty waste, traitor, hippie scum bag. Besides, Sunshine was creeping me out, the facial hair was just too much (Sorry about your $300.00).

Oh, by the way... GySgt Bone-Crusher wanted me to tell the newly returned Scooter that he says hello. The fellas at the brigg (Naval term for a Prison) in Gitmo miss him sobbing himself to sleep at night. Turns out that Scoots provided the troops with much needed entertainment. For instance: If it was a slow evening the guards would unplug his Mickey Mouse night light and then bet on how long Scooter would scream, "I'm scared of the dark! there is a monster under my bed!". And lets not forget Scoots' special needs. The guys miss cutting the edges off his underwear and putting fabric softener on his P&J sandwiches. As a matter of fact Gunny said (and I quote)," Having that skinny little turd in a cell reminded me of my pet hamster when I was a kid". (Although Bone-Crusher did say he liked the Hamster a little more. Something about the Hamster being more of a man and what not.) So, it seems good times were had by all. At any rate it is nice to see that there was a happy ending for you and the little wimp.

Happy (post) Thanksgiving,
John the Marine Out.

P. Moonbeam: John The Marine, Scooter told me to tell you he is reporting your little soldier friends to the Geneva Convention as soon as he finds an address.

He said he was horribly mistreated and abused by the soldiers at Gitmo and feels he is due compensation for his emotional damage. He says he might be dissuaded not to write the Geneva Convention if you'd send him $200 cash and a big bag of Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. Personally, I'd do if I were you because he seems to be serious and already has the paper and pencil ready.

Happy belated Thanksgiving to you too.

[Seaspook]

Oink, oink, hump....oink, oink.

Scooter: I wasnt humping I had an itch mister funny guy

[Rastaman]

Nice assortment of liquor. I do hope you don't cook over an open flame.

Your page takes several minutes to load, thanks to "waiting on rpc blogrolling". I may dump them due to the same problem.

Rastaman
www.islamanazi.com

P. Moonbeam: Hi Rastaman. Several MINUTES? Seriously? Caused by what?

[D. Ox]

I bet Scooter's gym teacher was a Republican!
Best wishes for a holiday season full of protest,
D. Ox

P. Moonbeam: Hello D. Ox! Scooter confirms that his gym teacher was indeed a Republican and a bully.
Best wishes right back at you and yours.

[Carol]

I've heard prayers similar to Scooter's. Awfully gracious of you to take him back. As far as the humping thing - wonder if it has anything to do with being Muslim for awhile?

P. Moonbeam: Hi Carol, nice to hear from you. I attributed Scooter's disgusting behavior to his extended prison stay, but his "Muslim time" couldn't have helped.

[Cinnamon]

Yay, Scooter's back!

P. Moonbeam: And Kareem is dead, praise be to Allah!

[TrustOnlyMulder]

You have to love American Thanksgiving. 4 days as compared to our three day Canadian version.

Being married to an American, we do up a turkey yearly on American Thanksgiving and enjoy the football games. If you ever need a great green bean casserole recipe, let me know. My wife makes a mean one....and no wristwatches!!

P. Moonbeam: TrustOnlyMulder, thank you for the offer, I may take you up on it next year.
Actually, the watch didn't bother me, it was the ammonia smell that I objected to.
Happy Thanksgiving!

[epador]

I wuz beginning to believe there was no justice in this world PMB, but Scoots showing up on your doorstep for Thanksgiving renews my belief in Karma Sinatra.

P. Moonbeam: epador, I think you mean Carmel Sutra.

[beth]

Oh my!! A homecoming on Thanksgiving. It doesn't get any better than that!!

P. Moonbeam: Hi Beth. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

[Wm H]

After being turned out while in Gitmo, I am suprised Limp wrist Scooter was trying to hump your leg.

P. Moonbeam: Wm H, there's no doubt Scooter is all man.

[1sttofight]

You left out LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH.
Bought your books, sent you to school and you didnt learn a damn thing. Geees.

P. Moonbeam: Sorry 1sttofight (what kind of a name is that anyway?), Scooter's a real man and doesn't go for that "girly" stuff.

[jainphx]

Isn't forgivness grand,just hope you won't regret that you took him back,any way happy Thanksgiving.

P. Moonbeam: Hi jainphx! I could never stay mad at Scooter, no matter how many times he tried to kill me......