November 3, 2006
OMG, here we liberals are, cruising to an easy victory in recapturing both Houses, when John Kerry attempts a joke about Bush's stupidity. Unfortunately his own complete and total lack of intelligence negated his ability to tell the joke properly, and next thing you know the whole country's pissed off. That's just great. What is it with this guy, can't anybody in our party make him shut up until after the elections?
Look, we know John is an all-American hero for the part he played in turning public opinion against the Vietnam war in the 70s. We appreciate the fact that he's constantly brought to light the evil deeds of our military, and campaigned for pulling out of this war after he mistakenly voted us into it. He is obviously a man of integrity and honor, but every time he opens his mouth in the last couple of years, the conservatives have had a field day and the Democrats lose votes. Please, somebody make him be quiet until we get some people into office.
Everything had been going so well: Many of our candidates have been talking about "faith" and "values," words that really juice the hicks in middle America and NASCAR country. Of course all our candidates have been hammering Chimpy McHitler on the Iraq war, and just like in the 70s are starting to build a general feeling of hopelessness and despair in the American public that we can't win. Another winning strategy has been to point out how bad our economy is. As strange as it sounds, this has actually been working pretty good! It's kind of like saying, "It stinks in here" - even if it doesn't, half the people think they smell something. Fortunately, many of our supporters aren't exceptionally bright, so when we tell them the economy stinks, they smell it :)
The Democratic National Committee correctly identified that the sound of Nancy Pelosi's voice made people want to slit their wrists, so they told her to be quiet for the last several weeks leading up to the election, and she has. The same with Ted Kennedy, Howard Dean, Charlie Rangel, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Al Gore, and for the most part, they've clammed up. I understand the DNC even insisted that Ted Kennedy not drive anyone any place until after the polls close. But what about John Kerry? Is it too much to ask that the official boat anchor of the DNC zip his pie-hole for ONE FREAKING WEEK? If something like this happened in the GOP, Karl Rove himself would neuter the offender with a pair of nail clippers.
Where's our Karl Rove?