Mammal/Fish

December 8, 2006

San Diego, California

There was recently an incident that illuminated the inhumane treatment of innocent creatures at one of the country's leading theme parks, Sea World. It seems that a captive killer whale at the San Diego park named "Kasatka" had pulled one of its trainers underwater during a performance in an apparent cry for help. It must also be noted that Kasatka had bitten other trainers before, further pointing to the obvious effects of abusive treatment suffered by the fish/mammal/whatever-it-is. Scooter and I knew we had to help this poor thing before it went crazy and killed everyone in San Diego.

Our first order of business was to settle an argument concerning the correct name of this fish. Scooter insisted this type of whale is called an Orc, but I know for a fact an Orc is one of the creatures in the video game "Warcraft." I was calling it an Oreck, but Scooter correctly pointed out that an Oreck is a brand of vacuum cleaner. Ultimately, we settled on "whale" or "mammal/fish."

After considering the logistics, we decided against rescuing Kasatka, as we probably couldn't get it into Scooter's Suburban, and even if we could, knew there weren't enough of those little hanging pine tree air fresheners in the world to mask the fishy smell that would be left behind. Our only option was to somehow comfort the beast and give it the means to cope with its situation. After reflecting on his own struggles with depression, Scooter came up with a plan that was realistic and certain to work: we would utilize the wonders of modern medicine, and give Kasatka and friends a low-level dose of Ritalin so they could successfully cope with the rigors of theme park life. I can personally vouch for what this wonderful drug has done for Scoots, why does a whalefish deserve less?

Our friend Pepe was able to use some of his connections south of the border to get us 900 pounds of generic Ritalin and some dynamite fresh herb. We smoked the herb as we loaded the bags of pills into the Suburban, then headed for Sea World. Once there we donned fake "fish trainer" outfits we had made and dumped the pills into carts Scooter had labeled, "Big fish food." A security guard waved us through the rear service entrance and we made our way unhindered to the main complex of giant pools.

Under the watchful eye of the clueless security guard we shoveled the "food" into the water, then returned to the truck for another load. In only 30 minutes we distributed all 900 pounds of pills into the several large pools. Allowing for dilution, I scientifically calculated this whale dose was approximately equivalent to a human taking two pills every day. The neat thing was that since the mammal/fish can't leave the water, they would get this constant supply of happiness for days or even months. You could almost feel the calm fall over this cruel facility as the pills dissolved into the depths.

Just as we were leaving, something big broke the surface of the water, a loving Kasatka had come up to thank us! Scooter crouched down by the edge of the pool and reached out his arm to pet the gentle leviathan. Suddenly the overgrown carp lurched out of the water and clamped onto Scooter's hand like a bear trap! Scooter's high-pitched screams of, "GET THIS M/F OFF ME!!" echoed through the night as I grabbed my shovel and started tomahawking the bloodthirsty bundle of blubber like a Comanche on crack. Finally Kasatka released Scooter's bloody hand, then slowly rolled upside down like a capsized tuna boat. HOLY OVERDOSE! As I noticed several other whales bobbing to the surface tits-up, I reflected on how I was never very good at mathematics and measuring. I snapped out of it and noticed Scooter had grabbed his shovel and was beating the comatose whale in the general area where he figured its nuts were. I pulled Scoots away toward the exit and we fled the scene.

Thankfully, all the fish didn't die, just some of them. The good news is that Kasatka survived and now seems very relaxed in its environment, hardly moving at all. Thank God we were able to help this poor creature.

Swim in peace you big M/F, swim in peace.