A Dramatic Claus

December 15, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week Scooter called to tell me he had gotten a temporary job through his cousin Ronnie, who is GM over at Westpark Mall. Because the regular mall Santa had come down with the flu, they desperately needed a stand-in. Scooter begged Ronnie for the job, even to the point of making a big scene in his office, crying and threatening to kill himself, until Ronnie finally relented. Scooter told me he was determined to bring a new degree of dramatic realism to the Santa Claus character. He was also excited by the prospects of scoring with some hot single moms. The fact he absolutely hates kids didn't seem to dampen his enthusiasm for the gig.

I have to admit Scooter really worked hard preparing for this job. Whereas most people would be satisfied with just being able to Ho Ho and merely look like Santa, Scooter decided to "go deep" into this character, and in his words, "Peel away the veneer of this jolly, yet tortured soul who drives midget slaves to manufacture luxury goods in a remote hidden sweatshop." Cool. He reasoned that in order to supply all the world's children with toys in just twelve months, Santa would have to be on stimulants, sleep deprived, and mercilessly driving his elves. It stood to reason the real St. Nick would have to be skinny, high-strung, and mean. Scooter felt his "edgy" Claus would be the perfect vehicle to showcase his dramatic acting skills, and hopefully get him some chicks.

I was at Westpark Mall last Tuesday when Scooter/Santa made his entrance. While the kids didn't seem too concerned, several parents were noticeably taken aback by Santa's gaunt appearance and hyperactive mannerisms. I felt Scooter's insistence that his "elves" wear leg irons to highlight their forced servitude was a little over the top, but that's just me. On a positive note, his politically correct costume featured a turban and Orthodox Jewish hair and beard. Finally a Santa for all people!

It was fascinating watching Scooter dramatically plumb the depths of this character as he maniacally coddled the children then berated them, all the time screaming at the elves to build more toys, while continuously popping diet pills and chocolate-covered espresso beans. The fun all came to an end when a terrified two-year-old peed all over Santa's lap, causing jolly old St. Nick to cut loose with a stream of profanities and jumped up so fast he flung the little rug rat over the velvet ropes and into the Hickory Farm's sausage display! In the ensuing fracas, Scooter took out the kid's charging 250-pound mom, two mall security guards, and cousin Ronnie with a six-foot fiberglass candy cane, before finally being dropped by an elf's two-fisted uppercut to the nuts. Wow!

Fortunately for Scooter, he was charged only with simple battery, but his cousin Ronnie was fired, and no doubt the mall will be sued for millions. In retrospect, I guess Scooter probably took the character too far. Just the same, I'm proud of his attempt to strip away the fantasy surrounding this workaholic midget slave-master. Scooter said it was the best job he's ever had, and easily the happiest 14 minutes of his life.

Comments

[Adolph from Cuba]

I look forward to read your report of her visit to Cuba. :)

[Adolph from Cuba]

Hey I've heard a visit of Peace Mom Sheenan to Cuba is on the works. Are you going to come along? Gee that will be a great opportunity to meet you face to face :):):)

P. Moonbeam: Wherever Cindy goes, I will follow.

[patty]

MM Ms.Peace,
Oh my Scooter has really had his artistic abilities squelched this time. Give him my reguards. He might consider a mint julip on the back patio.
MPMMA

[Seaspook]

Does Scooter have any Russian blood? He reminds here of a guy named Grigori Rasputin.

[Wm H]

Peace Moonbeam said...
Now that's just wrong.

1:23 PM

AB5SY said...
WTF! How come you never critized when the Lone Ranger gave someone a bullet? We're talking Santa here, what are you, one of those protesting mushroom eating, anti war hippies?

P. Moonbeam: Why yes, I am.

[John the Marine]

Well. What do we have here?! A filthy little hippie bully who picks on small kids at Christmas! Don't you have any decency? Not only is it the Baby Jesus' Birthday Celebration but a God damn National Holiday to boot! I hope you (pinko-sinko scooter) piss off Peace and she pimp slaps you again.

Happy Rightwing Christian-Judeo exclusionary Holy Holiday called Christmas, You know, as in CHRIST.

John the Marine Out.

P.S. Scoots, Give the gift that keeps on giving; throw yourself off a high cliff. No, really do it for the children.

Scooter: Its so ovious you know nothing about the craft of acting.
And by the way I enjoy Christmas just not all that religious stuff people like you try to cram down my throat.

Merry Christmas to you anyway.

[Wm H]

Tell Scooter I'll have to pass on driving him around, just had my car washed and vac'd and hell...you yourself said the nasty tick-turd had a problem with his personel hygene, nope......besides, I'm not gonna risk being seen by any of _MY_ friends seeing me in his neighborhood.

With his back ground and rap sheet, I'm sure it's a felony stop whenever the police see him.

P. Moonbeam: Scooter asks if you could at least send him a photo of yourself without a shirt on.

[Wm H]

Peace,

Just to show I'm feeling good this Christmas Season, I'm willing to bury the hatchet with Scooter and pass along a tip. Hey there 'Good buddy', it's to late this year but next check out the Salvation Army around Thanksgiv'n, they will be hiring thousands of folks 'Very much like yourself, to man the Kettles and ring bells, or have you already been Black Listed there to? Just trying to be helpful.

P. Moonbeam: That's very nice of you. Scooter said he appreciates the tip and wonders if you want to maybe drive around and check out the Christmas lights?

[epador]

Major Brainfart Scoots!

What about the Reindeer?????? Surely you could have worked up a little of the ol' interspecies fun and gratification that is the Hallmark of the situation for any one married to someone like Mrs. Claus. Plus with Blitzen covering your front, the Dam Elf wouldn't have had a good shot at the family Jewels. And you would have gotten more than 14 minutes of fun for sure (unless the Reindeer have been talking to Shamu, that is).

P. Moonbeam: Hi epador. I'm glad there were no animals involved, Scooter just isn't that good with them.

[Wm H]

Hi everybody. Last night PMS (Peace Moon Slut) called me just a boohoo'n and slinging snot like a Jersey Cow. It seems Scooter had been experimenting with an unusual
method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live gold fish into his anus.

What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting,in
effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.

In his pain and panic, he screamed for PMS to dialed 9-1-1.

My cousin the EMT was sick so I filled in for him and took the call. When I arrived, I found MPS sitting on the floor behind a bent over Scooter pointing at his #@%. I quickly surveyed the situation, took some pictures (for later sales to the tabloids) and told Scooter he has gotta learn to chew his food better as I headed for the door.

P. Moonbeam: This is a total fabrication plus it's not even true. Please be aware Scooter is actively seeking legal counsel and will probably be filing a huge lawsuit against you for trying to ruin his reputation.

[jainphx]

I remember him. I sat on his lap over 60 years ago, have had nightmares ever since.I usually hide when I hear the noise on the roof,you never can tell it might be him.

P. Moonbeam: Never sit on any guy's lap who's dressed in red velvet.

[Syncrodox]

While I appreciate Scooters "artistic sensibilities" I must take issue with his obviosly bungled approach towards "yummy mummys".

If this gets large on the net and screws up my work at the mall I will hitch hike down there and turn scooter into scootette.

The best thing Scoots can do at this point is to send me $500.00 u.s. so I can hire an "intamacy consultant".

Disregard this at yer own risk you nakid bikin,mink fightin, bay surfin, turban wearin, recostituted POS.

Syncro

P. Moonbeam: Synchro, just so we understand you clearly, is the $500 for a single extended intimacy consultant session, or for 25 short term sessions?
Scooter said he'd send you $4.00 and his poster of Britney Spears.
Final offer.

[1sttofight]

What kind of deranged , unfit parent would force their child to even get close to Scumbag Scooter?
They should be arrested and put in leg irons if not boiled in oil.

P. Moonbeam: Oh, that's nice. Scooter speaks very highly of you.