Mammal/Fish

December 8, 2006

San Diego, California

There was recently an incident that illuminated the inhumane treatment of innocent creatures at one of the country's leading theme parks, Sea World. It seems that a captive killer whale at the San Diego park named "Kasatka" had pulled one of its trainers underwater during a performance in an apparent cry for help. It must also be noted that Kasatka had bitten other trainers before, further pointing to the obvious effects of abusive treatment suffered by the fish/mammal/whatever-it-is. Scooter and I knew we had to help this poor thing before it went crazy and killed everyone in San Diego.

Our first order of business was to settle an argument concerning the correct name of this fish. Scooter insisted this type of whale is called an Orc, but I know for a fact an Orc is one of the creatures in the video game "Warcraft." I was calling it an Oreck, but Scooter correctly pointed out that an Oreck is a brand of vacuum cleaner. Ultimately, we settled on "whale" or "mammal/fish."

After considering the logistics, we decided against rescuing Kasatka, as we probably couldn't get it into Scooter's Suburban, and even if we could, knew there weren't enough of those little hanging pine tree air fresheners in the world to mask the fishy smell that would be left behind. Our only option was to somehow comfort the beast and give it the means to cope with its situation. After reflecting on his own struggles with depression, Scooter came up with a plan that was realistic and certain to work: we would utilize the wonders of modern medicine, and give Kasatka and friends a low-level dose of Ritalin so they could successfully cope with the rigors of theme park life. I can personally vouch for what this wonderful drug has done for Scoots, why does a whalefish deserve less?

Our friend Pepe was able to use some of his connections south of the border to get us 900 pounds of generic Ritalin and some dynamite fresh herb. We smoked the herb as we loaded the bags of pills into the Suburban, then headed for Sea World. Once there we donned fake "fish trainer" outfits we had made and dumped the pills into carts Scooter had labeled, "Big fish food." A security guard waved us through the rear service entrance and we made our way unhindered to the main complex of giant pools.

Under the watchful eye of the clueless security guard we shoveled the "food" into the water, then returned to the truck for another load. In only 30 minutes we distributed all 900 pounds of pills into the several large pools. Allowing for dilution, I scientifically calculated this whale dose was approximately equivalent to a human taking two pills every day. The neat thing was that since the mammal/fish can't leave the water, they would get this constant supply of happiness for days or even months. You could almost feel the calm fall over this cruel facility as the pills dissolved into the depths.

Just as we were leaving, something big broke the surface of the water, a loving Kasatka had come up to thank us! Scooter crouched down by the edge of the pool and reached out his arm to pet the gentle leviathan. Suddenly the overgrown carp lurched out of the water and clamped onto Scooter's hand like a bear trap! Scooter's high-pitched screams of, "GET THIS M/F OFF ME!!" echoed through the night as I grabbed my shovel and started tomahawking the bloodthirsty bundle of blubber like a Comanche on crack. Finally Kasatka released Scooter's bloody hand, then slowly rolled upside down like a capsized tuna boat. HOLY OVERDOSE! As I noticed several other whales bobbing to the surface tits-up, I reflected on how I was never very good at mathematics and measuring. I snapped out of it and noticed Scooter had grabbed his shovel and was beating the comatose whale in the general area where he figured its nuts were. I pulled Scoots away toward the exit and we fled the scene.

Thankfully, all the fish didn't die, just some of them. The good news is that Kasatka survived and now seems very relaxed in its environment, hardly moving at all. Thank God we were able to help this poor creature.

Swim in peace you big M/F, swim in peace.

Comments

[Replica Sunlfa]

What a good site! I think it wasnt easy to post here so much information. Thank you, I will add it to my bookmarks

P. Moonbeam: Thank you for the nice compliment. Hopefully soon I'll write some more stories.

[John the Marine]

I don't know what all this scuttle-but is about that miserable little long hair side kick Scooter. Sounds like some one has got the wrong idea. And yes Peace, he does irritate me. However, On the bright side, he's not nearly as scary nor half the man that Sunshine (Ernie) was. Which reminds me... We really should review my suggestion for a; morally loose, hot, mute, hippie chick to be your (naked)assistant. Scoots belongs behind the seens, you know like where he can't be seen or heard from. Perhaps a dark cellar? Or maybe a trip back down South to visit Gunny. After his/her trying ordeal scootsie probably could use another Cuban vacation.

WmH, Fine, but I get the shot gun, you can have the 45.

Sky, you make me want to vomit! A sick pinko like you doesn't deserve to live in these United States.

After all only a traitorous sack of puss could think of trash like this:

"or are you related to The Ditch Witch, Cindy Sheehan? Oh wait. Hillary is your hero, she who stands for adultery."

I mean for the love of the baby Jesus... Hillary? now that's just plain wrong.

Carry on Pinkos, John the Marine out.

P. Moonbeam: Gee John, a little sensative?
As far as your perverted request, Scooter is all I need in the way of an assistant, thank you.
Speaking of Scooter, he asks if you want to maybe go Christmas shopping next weekend?

[Wm H]

I had to come back and take a second look at the photo. Yup, just as I thought...Scooter will have to go back to wipe'n himself with his left hand again. Maybe I need some time using that shovel on him.

P. Moonbeam: Fortunately Scooter is ambidexe ambidextrio ambidextrose ambidexatro able to use either hand.

[Sky]

To John the Marine:

If you keep scoot and Pepe busy I'll take care of Peace.

That sounds fair you being a marine should be able to take care of 2 men.I'll try to snake my way in to what is left.

We should probable keep it secret so don't pass this on to the NewYork people.

PS:as a disclaimer...It wasn't me

P. Moonbeam: Oh my...

[beth]

Thanks for your response. I guess we'll just have to see what's going on with John the Marine and Scooter - :)

It'd be great if you would look into the thing with PMS - I think she's in jail even as I write this. It's posible she's been bailed out by Hugo Chevez by now, but he may be preoccupied with Castro, so I'm not sure.

If you and Scooter could do something for her in the same way you helped the Orecks (those suckers!), it would be a great service to the country. I'm sure of it.

I think your calculations are probably acurate for her and her friends. 900 lbs of Ritalin should just about take care of the problem .....

Peace to your and to Scooter.

*I hope this makes sense after a couple of white russians - it may be alittle out of whack. At least I am :)

P. Moonbeam: I see Cindy was arrested at the UN. Even our country's enemies won't talk to her. Disgusting!
Maybe we can find a way to help our dear sister in peace.

Your reply made perfect sense, but please remember to use protection even with white Russians, as you don't know where they've been.
Peace!

[beth]

Dear Ms. Beam

There are so many things to respond to here that I keep forgetting what I was going to write as I read more. It got worse when I started reading the comments.

I was thinking that it would be really really great if you and Scooter would go see what y'all can do to help out Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS - as you say). She's in trouble and in the news again.

No one could help her like you and Scooter could. Please. For the good of the country, help her.

P.S. I love what you've done with the place. Your Christmas decorations rock and are really contributing to the Christmas spirit.

P.P.S. Just between us - Does John the Marine really have a thing for Scooter?? Don't ask, don't tell, huh? lol. I won't tell anybody, I swear.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Beth! Oh no, Cindy is in trouble? I'll have to look into that.
As far as John the Marine is concerned, I'm not sure what's going on there. He sure seems to be preoccupied with Scooter at times.

[Sky]

I am SO glad to hear that you are not advocating the Christmas tree.If there is anything I know it is...well..not sure...but I know a person who advocates a Christmas tree is bad.

I read the blogs so I know the truth!!!(notice the extra !!)

I am also tolerant but am not sure I agree with the whole Holiday tree thing. It is still the Christmas holiday. Yea sure maybe we could hook the Jew holiday in with it but jeeze that won't help. So what holiday kinda tree can we call it?

P. Moonbeam: I was thinking of something along the lines of "Festivus."
Has a nice ring to it.

[Sky]

My dear Peace Moonbeam,

Is that a Christmas tree on the header of your main page? Are you turning into a bible thumper on us?

P. Moonbeam: Hi sky, why so blue? hehehehe, sorry, couldn't resist! :)
No, that is certainly not a Christmas tree, it's a Holiday tree.

[Justthinkin]

A mammal/fish??? Ummmm...is that sort of like "A Fish Called Wanda"? On a side note, can't figure out why I haven't come to your site more often. You rock. And John the Marine..chill man. Direct your infatile anger at the muzzie facists, or are you related to The Ditch Witch, Cindy Sheehan? Oh wait. Hillary is your hero, she who stands for adultery.

P. Moonbeam: Justthinkin, thank you for stopping by. Don't be so hard on John the Marine, for some reason Scooter just seems to irritate him.
I think maybe John "likes" Scooter, if you know what I mean ;)

[a4g]

Don't feel bad, Peace. Based on their reaction to the drugs, I suspect Kasatka & friends were Republicans.

All the clues are there: they live on tony oceanfront property in Mission Bay, kill baby fur seals for sport, and cloak themselves in black and white with no shades of gray.

I think you may have inadvertently struck a blow for the cause.

P. Moonbeam: You know, I hadn't really thought of that. In retrospect, maybe I should have allowed Scoots a few more seconds with that shovel.....

[patty]

Merry Meet
Oh my stars and broomsticks. Do I need to send scoots a care packages of homemade salve?
As I was meditating on this it occurs to me now that the whale/fish is calmer it would be the time to train him vegan? Perhaps pepe could get a part time job working there. I am sure after the trama that scoots felt it would be asking too much for him to try. Perhaps pepe could start by puttin herb inside the food.
As always
Merry part Merry Meet Again

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty. The whale is much calmer now.
I spoke with a friend who just saw the show and she said the only tricks the Oreck could perform was shake its head and make sounds.

[Syncrodox]

Peace

In Kanada we call that fishing. But then again, up here, PETA stands for People Eating Tasty Animals.

It's tough being "progressive" in the woods.

Anyways....I gotta go.... the squirrel is burning.

Syncro

P. Moonbeam: Just the thought of eating "tasty animals" makes me sick. I'll take a hamburger instead, any day.

[1sttofight]

Peace, Apparently it is obvious to everyone with two brain cells rubbing together that you are a deranged lunatic.
Come back home, take up knitting and everything will be OK.
The girls are taking care of my natural urges, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for you. After all, I did not know what a Rim Job was until I met you.
Come on home and we will take care of you and shelter you from the world.
This is the last time I am going to do this, plus we need help with that weird ass son of yours. Either you come home and take care of him or I am just going to shoot his ass. Your call.

P. Moonbeam: Sorry, I'd vote Republican before I'd get within 20 feet of you or that cesspool you call a home.
As for the boy, I never cared much for him anyway, as he looks too much like you (which is weird since his father was Hispanic, I think).

[Cinnamon]

Gee, Peace, it looked so easy when they did it in Free Willy. Wouldn't a tranqulizer gun have been more effective? I mean, you might have accidentally shot Scooter after all that herb, but we can't have everything.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Cinnamon, actually, Scooter wanted to do the tranq. dart thing, but since we don't have one of those special guns, he was left with modifying his archery equipment. Of course at that point I said no.

[epador]

Hoouahhh John!

You have the answer the Iraq Surrender Goons missed. We haven't been able to get their (the insoucients) attention (at least away from bombs and knives). All we need to do is send Peace and Scooter to the ME with a Sh*tload of Concerta (I am sure they could trade it for some killer hash) and help get the poor misguided "insurgents" back on track to building a better world of love and peace!

[jainphx]

Only someone as sensitive as you would have thought to dope a whale,it must be hard to be you.

P. Moonbeam: I do what I can.

[CL]

Thank you Peace Moonbeam for your spirit, for who you are. Your wanting to help these creatures should not go without notice, because like you I recognize that these creatures share the same intelligence as us humans, they just need a little help to focus. And maybe some opposable thumbs wouldn’t' hurt either.

P. Moonbeam: CL. thank you for your support. I agree with you and if there were any way possible to graft thumbs on these poor animals, Scooter and I would do it without hesitating.

[Wm H]

Great! Just f*#$'N Great! Not only do you write out a confession, but were dumb enough to post an 8X10 glossy photo complete with the murderer dressed like a hot water bottle, even had one of the murder weapons laying near by.

I can see you and that silly TIC-TURD both sitting on the group 'W bench' among mean ugly father rapers and litterbugs. I am going to call P.E.T.A rat now!

P. Moonbeam: We are members in good standing with PETA. They understand that not every rescue goes perfect, and appreciate the fact we at least try to help.
Please know that we'll keep trying until every creature on this planet is free, safe, and calm.

[SeanS]

Look at the bright side, whale blubber is considered an aphrodisiac in some cultures. You two might be responsible for the conception of the next incarnation of Ghandi.

BTW, Scooter looks good in a wetsuit. Not in a homosexual kind of way... just... good.

P. Moonbeam: Scooter and I are just friends. Anyway, due to "damage" Scooter received while helping me rescue some minks last year, he's unable to father children.
He wants me to ask you how tall you are, and if you work out.

[John the Marine]

You know, the next time you want to help some one (or something) just shoot them instead. I think it might be easier on all concerned. Hey, come to think of it... Why don't you and Scoots go over to Iraq to "help" the insurgents. After about a week or two if any of them survive they will with out a doubt surrender. Hell Gysgt. Bone-Crusher has more of gentle touch than you two nut jobs.

Carry on whale killing Hippies. John the Marine, out.

P. Moonbeam: At least we try to help the innocent animals/birds/fish which is more than you can say.
.