December 1, 2006
While there are plenty of conservative evils in our society that demand protest, lately there's one that eclipses all others. After ignoring this menace for too long, Scooter and I sprang into action this week, devoting all our energies and talents to confronting and destroying one of this country's biggest threats. Of course I'm referring to that evil juggernaut of right wing capitalism, Wal-Mart.
We chose the biggest shopping day of the year to pummel this "bargain bully" - the day after Thanksgiving, or "Black Friday" as it's come to be known. Scooter, as usual, prepared our protest signs ("Wallmart=DEATH, I dont 'heart' Wallmart") while I engineered our strategy. My plan was for us to get there early, so we could set up right in front of the doors. I had some local small retailers (the worst victims of Wal-Mart) supply me with coupons worth tens of dollars to give away to the arriving shoppers, which would effectively divert most of them to these stores and cripple Wal-Mart's sales on this most important shopping day of the year, sending ripples of fear throughout the giant chain.
Scooter and I pulled up at the neighborhood Wal-Mart before dawn and took our position directly in front of the main doors. We displayed our signs and sung some cool protest songs as the people started arriving in numbers. We noticed most Wal-Mart shoppers are the same people you see on "Cops," except most of the men had shirts on and weren't drunk enough yet to start beating their flabby chain-smoking wives. I started handing out the free coupons, but for some reason nobody seemed much interested in 10% off organic incense or 15% off macrame checkbook covers, and not one person left. A 500-year-old security guard made Scooter pick up all the coupons the people were throwing down as they hurried into the store.
In a final desperate attempt to keep these misguided dupes from entering the store, Scooter and I made a human chain in front of the doors. After regaining consciousness, we went inside to buy some Band-Aids, and not only were they on sale but Scooter found and bought a Toshiba VCR for like $20! I came across a George Foreman Grill for almost half price and a Sonicare electric toothbrush that was almost free! I can see why liberals hate this place, the whole setup is geared to make you shop out of control, and we did.
There's no doubt Wal-Mart sucks, and after these big sales are over, we're resuming our protest.