Wal-Mart Sucks

December 1, 2006

Berkeley, California

While there are plenty of conservative evils in our society that demand protest, lately there's one that eclipses all others. After ignoring this menace for too long, Scooter and I sprang into action this week, devoting all our energies and talents to confronting and destroying one of this country's biggest threats. Of course I'm referring to that evil juggernaut of right wing capitalism, Wal-Mart.

We chose the biggest shopping day of the year to pummel this "bargain bully" - the day after Thanksgiving, or "Black Friday" as it's come to be known. Scooter, as usual, prepared our protest signs ("Wallmart=DEATH, I dont 'heart' Wallmart") while I engineered our strategy. My plan was for us to get there early, so we could set up right in front of the doors. I had some local small retailers (the worst victims of Wal-Mart) supply me with coupons worth tens of dollars to give away to the arriving shoppers, which would effectively divert most of them to these stores and cripple Wal-Mart's sales on this most important shopping day of the year, sending ripples of fear throughout the giant chain.

Scooter and I pulled up at the neighborhood Wal-Mart before dawn and took our position directly in front of the main doors. We displayed our signs and sung some cool protest songs as the people started arriving in numbers. We noticed most Wal-Mart shoppers are the same people you see on "Cops," except most of the men had shirts on and weren't drunk enough yet to start beating their flabby chain-smoking wives. I started handing out the free coupons, but for some reason nobody seemed much interested in 10% off organic incense or 15% off macrame checkbook covers, and not one person left. A 500-year-old security guard made Scooter pick up all the coupons the people were throwing down as they hurried into the store.

In a final desperate attempt to keep these misguided dupes from entering the store, Scooter and I made a human chain in front of the doors. After regaining consciousness, we went inside to buy some Band-Aids, and not only were they on sale but Scooter found and bought a Toshiba VCR for like $20! I came across a George Foreman Grill for almost half price and a Sonicare electric toothbrush that was almost free! I can see why liberals hate this place, the whole setup is geared to make you shop out of control, and we did.

There's no doubt Wal-Mart sucks, and after these big sales are over, we're resuming our protest.

Comments

[Harry L]

Loved the part about most Wal Mart shoppers being refugees from "Cops". That gives me an idea, how about a reality show
of people combat shopping on Black Friday? Catfighting is always good for tv ratings.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Harry. Combat shopping.... I like it. To enhance the violence maybe they could mark some TVs down to $5. Lots of trampling and fighting guaranteed.

[r_mate_e]

Funniest post I've read in a while...

Be glad no one had on golf shoes. ALOT of black friday shoppers don them to win those grapples over the last tickle me elmo

P. Moonbeam: Hi r_mate_e! Pirates are always welcome at The Chronicles.
Nobody was wearing golf shoes, but Scooter still has a cowboy boot imprint on his forehead.

[epador]

I'm beginning to suspect a doppelgänger.

Holiday. Holy Day. Obvious religious righteous attempts to poison our egalitarian and utopian secular mindset.

Where's the real Peace?!? What have you done with her Karl Rove?

P. Moonbeam: epador, I meant nothing holy about holiday, but since it might not be 100% PC, I'm calling it a Celebration Tree.
Done.

[epador]

Hey Peace! It looks like come Right-Wingnut hacker made your site and put a despicable religious banner across your header - OMG its Christmas Tree and Decorations! Before the ACLU gets after you, you ought to clean things up. Maybe those Capitalist fiends from Wal-Mart are to blame.

P. Moonbeam: It's okay epador, I put it there. It's not a Christmas tree, it's a Holiday tree.

[Julie]

I have a simple complaint against WallyWorld -- it's too expensive. I almost never get out of there without dropping a C-note or higher. And I blogged about it, too.

[Exile From Hillary's Village]

I take exception to the use of the phrase "Black Friday".

It's an obvious racial slur by honky, white-bread, crackers who are keeping me down.

I think that they must be the same ones who disconnected BET from my TV. After all, I KNOW that I paid my cable bill a few months ago.

Signed, Me X.

P. Moonbeam: Oh my goodness, I would never participate in anything that would oppress Afro-Americans, as without your vote we'd still be overrun with Republicans.
Power to the people, Brutha/Sista!

[webloafer]

During the liberal witchhunt...of '06, I thought I could hide out in my local WalMart, but all of the union thugs, truckdrivers and kickboxers who are on record as hating WalMart crowded up the place. Yeah they may have been infiltrating the enemy.......but I just wanted a safe haven.

Whats with the enemy visiting the enemy, shopping and leaving.

To those that say they hate all of the bargains of WalMart..........PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SHOPPING THERE.

WANT TO HEAR SOME FUNNY STORIES ABOUT THE BIG BAD ANTI-WALMART TEAMSTERS...?

I have been a dues paying Teamster for 1/4 of a century so maybe I know truckdriving Teamsters......

They shop at WalMart and love the bargains, but when the Hoffas say........Hate Walmart they shout........Zeig Hale.......or Zieg Wally World....

I do get confused at times, should I hate WalMart and not shop there, or Hate WalMart and grab the bargains.

If only Jimmy Hoffa was here to guide this dumb truckdriver.

P. Moonbeam: Well that is a dilemma, isn't it?
I think you need to break the whole thing down to its base roots: Do conservatives like Wal-Mart? Yes they do. So what do enlightened free-thinkers do when exposed to something conservatives like? Hate it.
See, that wasn't so hard after all.
Obviously, if you are not a liberal, then you are screwed-up and can do whatever you like, as long as it doesn't offend me. Or Scooter.

[I was Trailer Trash when Trailer Trash wasn't Cool]

i luv Wal-Mart but i gots one big beef with them an' if they don't do somethin about it I'm gonna drive my truck over to K-mart an' then there gonna be two vehicles parked in K-mart's parkin' lot.

What I talkin' 'bout is them confounded shoppin buggies. As rich as them Wal-Marts peoples is, you think they could replace they stupid buggies when they gits decriptit an' cant roll no more without the wheelses wobblin' an' squawkin so loud you can hear it from the milk section all the way over yonder to the garden tools, a whole mile away!

Other than that, Wal-Mart allrite. 'Speshully the clearance aisle when stuffs is on its third or fourth markdown.

P. Moonbeam: Trailer Trash, I know what you're saying about those messed-up wheels. If rich consrvatives didn't load so many luxury items in those carts, the wheels wouldn't fail.
Even if you actually like Wal-Mart, certainly you would agree that rich conservatives suck.

[epador]

I'd have to drive 50 miles of winding 2-lane to get to the nearest WalMart to Protest.

Could you do it for me?

P. Moonbeam: epaodr, I'll be glad to as soon as I receive my next welfare check (I hope they still have those half price fondue sets!).

[Seaspook]

This holiday season the Chinese Peoples Army wishes to thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

P. Moonbeam: And they really do, too.
Hey, you've got to manufacture a lot of cheap crap to afford all those new weapons systems it will take to try and defeat the USA in the upcoming war.
Truthfully, I am not a Wal-Mart fan, but I AM big on capitalism.

[WTR]

On behalf of all flabby, chain smoking wives-I resent that characterization!

[Brett]

Without much effort you've hit upon the big conundrum.

If they pay less for it how can they be losing...?

It's a rude ideological intersection best served by denial.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Brett. I can't deny that.

[1sttofight]

Tell Scooter he is welcome anytime, especially since Walmart had charcoal lighter and matches on sale.
I also got a good buy on a double-bited , razor sharp ax.
Dancing tires me out real quick these days, but for some reason I can swing an ax all day long, Go figure.
Tell him not to even call, just come on over anytime.

P. Moonbeam: I passed that on to him, and he seemed excited and said when he has time he'll be over.

[1sttofight]

Walmart Prices;

Bottle of charcol lighter------$1.29
Box of kitchen matches---------$0.39
Setting Scooters crotch on fire- FREE
Attempting to put it out by Flamingo Dancing on his Crotch----------PRICELESS.

P. Moonbeam: There can be little doubt that your feverish desire to do things to Scooter's crotch bespeaks of out-of-control homoerotic passions of a degree most normal people can't comprehend.
Scooter asks if he can call you sometime.

[John the Marine]

Hey, Walmart is a great place to buy guns & ammo! They have a wonderful selection and low prices too.

P. Moonbeam: Remember, guns kill, flowers smell.

[Patty]

MM
I was so frightened to hear about you and Scooter being trampled by those evil shoppers.
A word of advice dear one do not try to protest the day after Christmas.
Those evil people will be mean as hell returning gifts that were carefully chosen for each of them.
As always
Merry Part Merry Meet Again.

P. Moonbeam: Hi Patty! We weren't badly hurt although Scooter does have some nasty shoe imprints on his stomach and chest.