Astronauts and Space Cadets

February 10, 2007

Berkeley, California

Signs that the Bush administration has made this a not-so-kinder and gentler nation is evidenced by the recent arrest of NASA astronaut Navy Captain Lisa Nowak for attempted kidnap and murder. No administration has ever produced killer astronauts with the possible exception of Herbert Hoover's, but I'm not totally sure about that.

Anyway, so the story is this Capt. Nowak drove halfway across the country to Florida, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop(!), with the intention of kidnapping and possibly killing this other skinny chick who had been eyeballing this hunky astronaut fly-boy that Nowak apparently had the hots for. Talk about "Days of Our Lives!" Anyway, she wasn't successful and got arrested, charged with multiple felonies, and then released wearing some kind of GPS tracking thing. You think that's weird? What comes next makes that seem tame.

Just two days later back in Florida, famous celebrity Anna Nicole Smith, America's premier space cadet, is suddenly found dead in her hotel room. Capt. Nowak is nowhere to be seen, and the connection is simply too obvious to overlook. Speculation is that the gravity of Ms. Smith's enormous breasts possibly pulling in astronauts from the nearby space center simply made her too much of a threat in Capt. Nowak's mind, and you can figure out the rest.

What turns a decorated female astronaut into a killer? What makes a traveling killer astronaut wear diapers? What makes a diaper-wearing female killer astronaut kill other women who attract astronauts? The questions are nearly endless, but the fact remains: a space cadet is dead, the world waits for answers, and astronaut Nowak, wherever she is, isn't talking.

Comments

[Kendra]

This is all so great :) haha I love it.

[LeOgAhEr]

I Love you girls

Buy

P. Moonbeam: Love right back at ya. Buy!

[Recovering Liberal]

Dear Peace:

Since Scooter has failed to Put in a Good Word with you for me, I am going to try contacting you this way. It looks like you still read your Comments section.

Without your hilarious accounts of your adventures (with Scooter playing Sancho to your Don Q.) the blog is dull dull dull. Scooter just doesn't have your flair. All he can come up with are moneymaking scams and schemes to contact girls (even though he doesn't seem to know what to do with one if he DID catch her). I even tried offering him a job, but to no avail. He was incapable of recognizing a good deal when it was before him.

But enough about that foolish young twerp. I want to tell you that like yourself, I also am a Child of The 60s, and may have met you at Woodstock. I remember a fair slip of a girl named something like Fern or Fran or Faun. She looked just like that picture you show of yourself.

Anyway, you recall how everybody there was fornicating madly for peace? Well one day (maybe after that brown acid got handed around) Fran (or Fern or Faun) suddenly jumped STRAIGHT UP from our love-pile and BELLOWED "I am Faun (or Fran or Fern) no longer. From this day forth I will only answer to PEACE MOONBEAM!!!"

Everybody applauded wildly, then excited by the experience went back to fornicating in the dirt with renewed vigor.

Could that be when you took your name, Peace?

Your Friend
R.L.

[jarhead john]

Are you ever coming back? Are you permanently leaving splooter in charge of things? I sure as hell hope not...

P. Moonbeam: I keep intending to write a story, but just don't seem to have the time.
I agree, Scooter's blog is just awful.

[Kristie]

Where are you???????? :-)

[jarhead john]

I don't know about the accusations, but that picture is priceless!

[1sttofight]

IMPORTANT NEWS ALERT.

Not only am I the TRUE father of the big titted dead womans baby but Peace and I have cnosevtgd, mdea, , Oh hell , Peace is knocked up again by me.
Yes , it was a glorious 2 minutes of heavenly bliss. I just wish she hadn't lied to me about being on the pill.
Well she didn't really lie, she was laying on a Quaalude at the time.
She was screaming "PULL OUT, PULL OUT" but I just thought she was reliving an anti-war protest.
Oh, weel we have been down this road before.

P. Moonbeam: You remain the poster child for alcohol abuse/mental illness/major retardation.
Dream on.

[Wm H]

What do you mean "there's just not been anything interesting to write about lately"? Here is a breaking news story you missed completely.

Kermit Gears Up To Fight For Paternity Rights.
We are all aware of the recent death of Ann Nacole Hog Face Smith. Now, for the first time since her death, Kermit the Frog speaks of his whirlwind love affair with the former playmate.

To everyone else, Anna Nicole was a hard partying floosie. To Kermit the frog she was something else. "She was the real love of my life. Yeah sure, I've always "been" with Miss Piggy, but we just don't share that connection. It's mostly business. All I ever saw in her was big boobs and big blond hair! She was always flirting with everyone. Let's face it, she's a pig! With Anna I had that and more."

Kermit went on to tell me of the secret rendezvous they had on a weekly basis. "She just couldn't get enough the green if you know what I mean. She was almost ferocious. I loved the fire in her. When Anna called my lily pad and told me she was pregnant. I just knew I was the father. "We didn't use condoms. She told me that I was. I couldn't wait to see them again, but I will see my beautiful bunny no more."

Kermit became quite distraught as the interview went on and had to leave. So a spokesperson for Kermit issued this statement. "At this difficult time for Mr. Frog, I'd like to announce that he too will filing for a paternity test. According to what Anna Nicole confided in him days before her death, she never had intercourse with the other men, she only swallowed. So there is no reason to doubt Kermit's paternity."

The paternity hearing is February 20th 2007. At which time, Kermit will submit his request for him to have a DNA test to determine if he is indeed Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern's father.

P. Moonbeam: Is this true or did you make it up?

[1sttofight]

I am coming to rescue you Honey, just in time for Valentines Day.

And while I am there I will eliminate the Pooter problem.

Have you seen the girls lately?

P. Moonbeam: Scooter's only a phone call away and is a martial arts expert (better than Walker Texas Ranger he says).
I recommend you stay away if you want to continue living.

[Teresa]

Once again you have done an excellent job of keeping us abreast of the news. I have resorted to relying on Scooter for the top news stories, but I'm afraid he is too wrapped up in his booty quest to be of much help. I'm counting on you to see us through the elections!

P. Moonbeam: Scooter has too many personal problems to be taken seriously. Rely on me for the news worth reporting.

[John the Marine]

"what are you going to do for a job when we peace-loving Dems cut the military for needed funds for our social programs?"

Silly question there Hippie Chick. For a village burning maniac like me there are always options. Such as:

1. Working as a consultant in the Industrial/Military Complex. After all we're one big happy family.

2. Then again being a bounty hunter sounds nice. My background of violence and weapons training makes me uniquely suited for this kind of work.

3. Oh, and lets not forget Law enforcement. Shooting first and asking questions later. Making the streets safer through fire power. Hey, I'm a civic minded kind of guy.

4. Lastly (and also my favorite) Mercenary work has a romantic appeall. Hell working for Uncle Sam my sword arm comes cheap. I'm sure if I sell my talents to the highest bidder I could make some good money. Ah, capitalism and killing. Two worthy activities that go great together.

Thanks for your concern PM.

John the Marine, over and out.

P. Moonbeam: How about Cindy Sheehan's bodyguard? You could protect her from people like yourself.

[John the Marine]

Usually I have some sympathy for dumb blondes with big boobs... However, respecting Anna Nicole Smith, I'll make an exception. Good riddance.

Killer Astronauts? Dead Bimbos? Is the world falling apart or what? You see what happens? The Demofags haven't even been in charge of Congress for six months and we are going down the the tubes! Real Good! Real stinking good!

Carry on recking the country Hippies. We, the Marines, will fix it when your done.

John the Marine, over and out.

P. Moonbeam: The question is, what are you going to do for a job when we peace-loving Dems cut the military for needed funds for our social programs?

[jainphx]

Peace! welcome back.I personally think it was scooter in the Library with a lead pipe.

P. Moonbeam: Thank you jainphx. Actually I haven't been gone, there's just not been anything interesting to write about lately. I have a feeling that will change with the elections coming.